Gasp! I am not dead! I was not abducted by Aliens, nor was I kidnapped by Edward on crack! Prepare yourselves for a chapter of utter chaos! We've got bad Elvis impersonations, Harry Potter arguments, A Giant Cheese Monster named Sally or Demon, FanfictionmadeOOCidious, and, gasp, is there a plot in there somewhere too?

Disclaimer- The disclaimer is stuffed full of leftovers and will get back to you later.

Chapter 3- Forming the Plan

Billy Black looked on at the scene unfolding in front of him. The werewolf pack was gradually all mutating due to the effects of Jane's cooking.

So far, Leah had become a cat (now complete with fur), Jacob's hair was changing colors (it was now a lovely shade of lavender), Sam thought he had grown wings and was now living his boyhood dream of being able to fly, and Quil had become fluent in Latin...

"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!" said Sam before he crashed head-first into a tree.

"Sam...," sighed Billy (who was only pretending to eat his food), "You can't fly!"

Billy's commented was wasted. Sam was now insisting he was really Elvis Presley.

He had to think of something fast.

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Meanwhile, the Cullens minus Edward all sat around Alice, who was wearing a blank stare like some dumb person in advanced calculus.

She blinked and burst out laughing.

"So," prompted Jasper, "What did you see?"

Suddenly, Edward burst out laughing in the other room. "NO WAY! SAM- ELVIS! HA!"

"Would someone please tell me what's going on!" snapped Rosalie.

"Jane- cooking- werewolves- mutating-" gasped Alice between laughs.

"Stupid mind reader and physic," muttered Emmett.

"Edward-" Bella sighed.

"Alice," said Jasper.

Emmet picked his nose.

"CARLISE! MAKE THEM STOP!" screamed Rosalie.

"ROSE!" yelled Esme, as she had just crushed the good china in her anger.

"EMMETT!" said Emmett not wanting to be left out.

Alice and Edward stopped laughing to stare at him with everyone else.

"So what did you see?" asked Esme, wondering what could have possible caused the demise of her precious china.

"You aren't gonna believe this!" chirped Alice excitedly, "Jane is- hehe- cooking."

The Cullens exchanged glances.

"That is funny," said Rosalie, "But that can't be all."

"Her cooking causes the werewolves to mutate!" finished Edward.

"How so?" asked Emmett slyly, "This could be something for my YouTube channel!"

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?! PUTTING FOOTAGE OF MYTHICAL CREATURES ON THE INTERNET IS JUST ASKING FOR THE VOULTRI TO COME AND PAY YOU A VIST!" screamed Esme, "AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT INCIDENT WITH THE FAIRES!"

Emmett sighed. "Good times, good times."

Alice rolled her eyes before explaining.

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Billy Black groaned as he learned of the latest mishappenings to the pack.

"I am in love with Rosalie Cullen!" proclaimed Embry, "I must give her my declaration of love! I must learn to write poetry! Rosalie, oh Rosalie, you smell like burning salt! I would love to buy you a malt!-"

"The Cullens!" Billy said to himself, "The one male leech reads minds, he can read Jane's mind to figure out how to make an antidote to her foods, and perhaps might help him figure out how to get rid of her!"

Before Jane could see, Billy Black was off.

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When the Cullen's were all done laughing their heads off, there was a knock on the door.

"Get the door Emmett!" said Jasper.

"You get!" retorted Emmett.

"No you get!" retorted Jasper.

Bella rolled her eyes and yelled "COME IN!"

Billy Black raced inside, glancing over his shoulder like he was making sure he wasn't being followed.

"You've got to help me!" he cried, "Jane is-"

"Cooking horrible food that causes wolves to mutate and to go crazier than they already where." Finished Edward.

"How did you know that?" asked Billy.

"I read minds," said Edward dryly.

"And I see the future," added Alice, who was filing her nails, looking un-amused.

"I knew that!" snapped Billy, "I was just testing you!"

"Uhhuh,"

"Sure…,"

"Just keep telling yourself that…,"

There was an awkward silence.

"Umm…" said Billy, "How about that new Potter movie?"

"Good, but didn't stay as close to the book as I had wanted it to," replied Bella.

"NO WAY!" screamed Billy, "I LOVE IT!!"

"It sucked!" argued Bella.

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

"CHEESE!" said Emmett.

"Come on Emmett," sighed Rosalie, "Everyone knows that saying the names of food randomly went out with the Disco. Now it's all about the good one-liners."

"No seriously Rose," said Emmett, pointing in the direction of the window, "look there."

"IT'S A BIRD!" proclaimed Jasper.

"IT'S A PLANE!" added Edward.

"It's defiantly not Super Man," muttered Rosalie.

"Actually that's Jane's Giant Cheese Monster of Doom and Food Poisoning," said Billy Black thoughtfully.

"That's a mouth full," said Alice, "Can I just call it Sally?"

"Why Sally?" asked Esme, "I think something like Demon would be much more apparate."

"Why demon?" asked Edward, "I think it's kind of cute in the creepy monster eating Esme's flowers sort of way. WAIT! It's eating Esme's flowers! IT'S GOING TO START ON MY COLLECTION OF OREOS NEXT! WE MUST PREPARE FOR WAR!"

Everyone stared blankly at Edward as he retreated up the stairs.

"Has Edward been on crack or something?" asked Billy.

"No," answered Bella, flipping through a magazine with a picture of someone names Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart on the cover, "We believe he has contact FanfictionmadeOOCidious. This is caused by too many crazed young Authors, Chimpanzees on crack, plus crazed fangirls addling with his brain."

"Oh," said Billy, "My mistake. That really is terrible, and horrifically entertaining."

Just then Edward raced down stairs with a pirate hat on his head and a toilet plunger in his hand.

"WARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" he yelled as he raced out side to "strike fear into the hearts of the thing that threatens his beloved Oreos".

"On second thought," said Carlisle, "Maybe he is on crack."

"Are we going to get to the point of this meeting any time soon?" asked Rosalie, as she calmly watched Edward be plundered by Sally or Demon.

"Probably not," said Alice.

"Yeah, but my pack is DOOMED without your assistance!" cried Billy Black, who then gave a heartfelt speech about his love for his pack, which no one cared to listen to.

"Dude," said Emmett, "You have been watching way too much Oprah."

"Oprah?" asked Billy, "You know her? Can you introduce me? Please! Please! Please! Please!"

"Yeah…," said Bella.

"So why should we help you?" asked Emmett, "What's in it for us?"

Billy thought for a moment and then said, "The satisfaction of helping a friend in need?"

"That would be nice," said Rosalie, "If we actually liked you. Did you even get your rabies shot this year, Mongrel?"

Billy puffed out his chest, "Why yes I did," he declared proudly.

"I think he inhaled to many of the fumes from Jane's food," whispered Alice.

"You're telling me," replied Jasper.

Billy Black suddenly got an evil smile on his face. He let out an evil cackle and jumped on top of the coffee table.

"If you don't help me," he said evilly, "I will tell all your fans that you are really all Lindsey Lohan stalkers and not vampires at all!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" said Edward.

"You idiot!" said Rosalie, "You honestly think the fans would really believe that bullcrap?"

"They will if I tell them to," said a voice, "It's my story."

The author has arrived.

Hope you guys liked it! I promise I won't take this long to update next time! My charming friends from dance will probably hunt me down and kill me in my sleep if I don't, that and they have some good ideas. :D

Peace, Love, EDWARD!

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