Hello in there! Took me some time to get back Internet access, and I only got it since about half an hour, but this one was written, so... The previous chapter was mostly Envy-centric, this one's from our dear Edward's point of view. I've had some trouble dealing with this one, I didn't really know how to continue it without making the whole story off-time. I'm not that satisfied with it, anyway, but I felt too lazy to erase it and re-write it entirely...
Well, I hope you'll enjoy this one as much as the first. There's another chapter in-progress, and that will be the last one. Reviews make me happy. If the display of feelings is too pathetic, tell me. If my English sucks, tell me. If you think there is something clumsily written, understandable with difficulty, just weird or anything like that, tell me. If you just want to flame, well I can't stop you, can I? But you'll just be ignored in this case. Don't like, don't read! And finally, if you enjoyed it and are looking forward for the third chapter, tell me too, that's encouraging!
Warnings: Shonen-ai, EdxEnvy. OOC-ness, I'm afraid. Not AU, but not so canon either. Oh well. Just go on with the story!
Nevermore.
Desire Is The First Step To Love
Chapter 2 : Edward's Denial
It's been about two weeks now. Two weeks since Edward found Envy sitting at his bedside, talking quietly to himself (or so he thought) ; two weeks since he realized the Homunculus wasn't only a soulless monster who couldn't feel anything other than his own hatred ; two weeks since Alphonse, back from wherever he had been since he couldn't sleep, found him still staring at the window, gazing blankly at the night ; two weeks since… what happened, the Sin apparently too attracted by the… light, or whatever he said that he saw in the young man, to resist his impulse. A fucking butterfly attracted against his will by the fucking candle, he had said. The first real desire he'd had since he became a Homunculus. He'd wanted, envied, hated, but never desired. From what Edward had understood.
When Al had asked him if anything was wrong, that night, Edward had found the wits to smile a bit and answer calmly that he had been awoken by a dream, before laying back on the bed, still overwhelmed by the sensations kissing Envy – kissing Envy, for God's sake – had brought in him. He still remembered freezing in slight shock when the Sin had come closer, bits by bits, still talking softly, and his bewilderment when a soft and dry pair of lips had closed on his own. That, he still could understand. Even though would have someone told him that Envy, of all people, was attracted to him, he would have laughed his head off or simply kicked their ass to hell and back. No kidding. What Edward still failed to explain was that spark, then that kind of electric current not that different from alchemy which overtook his senses and led him into kissing back and letting the Homunculus explore his mouth.
Edward shrugged that train of thoughts quickly, shoving the reminiscence of these feelings back into one of the convenient closets of his mind and concentrating on the landscape by the train's window. He and Alphonse were on their way to Resembool. Something snapped into his automail while training, and he couldn't stretch his arm fully anymore. Winry was certainly going to yell at him and try to knock him out with one of her wrenches, but, heh, what was he supposed to do ? He sighed at the prospect of another yelling contest with his blond mechanic.
"Something wrong, brother ?" Al asked.
Had his face been able to move, surely enough a frown would be on his brow.
"No, I'm just already tired at the idea of Winry yelling at me for 'breaking her wonderful creation one more time and certainly not the last'."
He stretched cat-like, his flesh arm fully extended before him while the metal one rested still at his side. Al chuckled.
"Well, you know her," he said. "It wouldn't be the same Winry if she didn't try to kill you each time you burst your arm, would it ?"
"Still, that's something I won't miss," Edward grumbled. "Hey, we're almost there, by the way…"
They got out of the train, crossed the small station and began their way to the Rockbell's. Edward took a deep breath and turned slightly around.
"Nothing never change in there… It's still the same than when we were little, don't you think ?"
Alphonse looked around thoughtfully.
"Yeah, I do. That's somehow comforting," he said, voice softened and just a bit hollow.
As he finished his last word, something flew towards them, and more particularly towards Edward, who turned quickly on himself in a smooth motion at the whistling sound. The object missed him by a hair's breadth.
"AHA !" he said loudly, pointing at Winry who stood on the balcony, leaning on the banister. "This time, you didn't break my skull, you crazy automail junkie !"
"Stop it, you alchemy freak, or I'll throw more until your own brother can't recognize you ! And bring this one back !"
She disappeared into the house. Edward went and picked up the wrench, grumbling something apparently not very nice. Pinako was waiting for them at the door.
"Welcome back, boys ! Did you break your arm again, Ed ? Someone's not going to be happy…"
"She's not," Edward grinned somewhat sheepishly, showing the wrench while Al greeted the old woman. "But she needs to improve her throwing, she missed me this time…"
"Do you imply I have a bad aiming ?" said Winry, coming into view, fastening her sleeves around her hips.
"Did I say that ?"
The girl looked suspiciously at her friend's innocent eyes, then smiled, false anger completely gone.
"So, what did you do to your poor automail this time ?"
~o~
Later on the evening, Winry managed to fix the problem ("Just a screw stuck, really, Ed, couldn't you fix it yourself ?") and reconnected the automail to Edward's nerves, making him wince a bit at the sharp pain. They had dinner, in a rather joyful atmosphere, then went to bed after a while. However, three hours later, at precisely one o'clock and a half in the morning, Edward was still restless, lying wide awake, trying to shut his brain up and at last gain some sleep. He stared through the open window, but it only reminded him of Envy, and he really, really didn't want to replay the scene in his mind again. Again. Helplessly, he closed his eyes, remembering what the Sin had said, his confession of feeling something else than hatred and revenge, because of him, even if he still didn't entirely grasp that thing about his radiating light or something, the strength and determination that fascinated the Homunculus, this thing about desire and love, Envy's wondering about the latter…
Edward had been far from thinking his willpower would some day draw someone into its halo, let alone a Homunculus. Now, he thought he understood. There had been something about Envy back then, bitterness and hatred aside, as if his true self was ready to take over the violent nature of the Homunculus and let him feel anew. A sparkle, barely… Something not really visible, but rather sensible. Suddenly thinking that, according to the Sin, he was the cause of this… revelation, Edward felt the strange urge to know if he could dig in and reveal this small flicker of – light ? feeling ? humanity ? – for good, and pull Envy out of darkness. Telling himself firmly that he was being irrational, Edward set the urge aside, but his traitorous mind decided otherwise. A quick flash showed him the Homunculus bending over him, slowly coming closer. Another, with physical sensations as a bonus, a palm merely brushing his cheek. A hand on his shoulder, another on the nape of his neck, Envy's face so very close. Lips on his.
Lips on his, and this electricity, sort of, a bit like alchemy, from one to the other and back again. Not out of place, not utterly wrong, but so wrongly right. As if it was how it was supposed to be on all eternity, even though they both were conscious of the weirdness of the situation. Edward tried to get back to reality, but his mind wasn't finished with him. Sensations, touches, all was there. His arm catching the other by the waist, feeling him jump a bit, him parting his lips a bit more… There. Both jaws opening slightly more, tongues meeting, gently battling, Envy exploring his mouth, making the whole thing wet and hot and sensual…
Edward jerked up, sitting hurriedly, forcing himself back to the real world, breathing a bit too quickly, warmth pooling below his belly. This is not right, he thought desperately, I shouldn't react like that, I shouldn't think like that ! He just refused to go deeper, he felt like he could get lost and never come back safe and sound. Or sane. So he decided that it had been just a strange reaction, completely alien and random, that will absolutely not last, period. Unfortunately for him, auto-suggestion was hard to apply when his head denied what had resulted in his body aroused, craving for a touch. Getting up in order to clear his mind, he thanked Leto, Ishbala and anyone who might dwell above his head that his and Al's former room had a direct access to the balcony, and therefore to the outside. And also that said Al wasn't in the room right at the moment to witness his restlessness, let alone his train of thoughts.
Leaning against the banister, he took a deep breath, letting the air of the night cool his over-heated body and clear his clouded mind. He stayed like that for maybe half an hour, feeling the fresh air fill and leave his lungs, his body relax and his mind calm down. He heard the small tap of someone landing behind him, but didn't move. If the person took the precaution of letting him acknowledge their presence, then he wasn't in immediate danger.
"Edward Elric ?"
That was less a question than a recognition. Edward turned around, crossing his arms, but careful not to appear ready to attack.
"What do you want ?" he asked sharply.
Lust held her hands up to show that she was not here to fight. Her usually smirking lips were slightly pursed, and something in her eyes could only be described as worry.
"I need your help."
Edward arched an eyebrow and tilted his head to the side.
"Really ? I was far from thinking I would be the one you would ask for help, but well… What makes you think I'll agree to help, anyway ?"
The attractive Homunculus looked at him seriously for a while, then opened her mouth.
"It's about Envy," she said quietly, studying his face carefully.
She wasn't disappointed. Edward's eyes widened a bit, then he frowned, muscles tightening as he clenched his fists.
"What about him ?" he asked, and only someone paying close attention as Lust was could notice the slight trembling in his voice.
So, something really happened, she thought. Envy had told her bits and pieces of his obsession as time passed, and he quickly brushed her a picture when he came back to the manor that night, nervous and a bit frantic.
~o~
Lust was sitting on an armchair, gazing thoughtfully into the fire when she heard the main door open, then close. Turning her head, she caught a glimpse of Envy before he disappeared through the hallway leading to the wide stairs. She listened his hurried footsteps until the faint sound of a door closing reached her ears. She frowned. Something must have happened, for Envy coming back so soon, hurriedly, locking himself up into his room, and most of all, without ranting about one thing or another. She stood up, walking quietly up the stairs, before knocking softly at Envy's door.
"Envy ?" she called.
No answer. She opened the door, stepped inside, closed it. The whole room was dark, but the moonlight was enough for her to spot on the bed the curled up ball that was actually her oldest 'brother'. She sat at his side, resting a hand on his arm.
"Are you alright ?" she asked softly. "Did something happen ?"
Envy stayed still a few minutes more, then uncurled to sit up, bringing his knees up his chest, resting his chin upon them and hugging his legs with his arms. Lust thought that he never looked so vulnerable. He actually resembled a little boy, despite his height, his long hair and his definitely strong but thin frame, and Lust fought the sudden strange urge to take him into her arms. He looked at her unsurely.
"You were right," he said very, very softly.
She watched him expectantly. He sighed deeply.
"I was watching him. Like always, shit, you'd swear he'd become the centre of my world, how pathetic it is… This time, the… the craving was too strong," he continued, and she nodded. He told her about that strange longing already. "I went into the room, I sat up on the floor, and began talking, like the silly prat I am. I spilled out a lot of things, from what I see in him to my don't understanding and wanting to understand, from him radiating light and warmth and me helplessly attracted by it to the fact I've never desired something more than being close to this light, from you telling me that desire was so close to love to my wondering if I loved him…"
At that point, Lust's eyes widened.
"Yeah, I know, that's moronic," Envy said flatly. "I just couldn't stop myself. But the best part is yet to come : the whole time, I didn't realized he was actually awake !"
He buried his head into his knees, black-greenish hair covering almost everything.
"What did you do then ?" she asked after a while.
"I nearly fled. What would you have done ? But he told me there was no need to. I felt so… so… Well, the light was still clutching at me, so I stayed. We talked. A bit. I suddenly realized he had heard the whole part with me rambling on and on about love, I told him I couldn't do anything about this attraction, then…"
Envy's eyes widened, closed, re-opened.
"Then I did another really stupid thing, and I left."
And she couldn't bring him to tell her what it was.
~o~
But right now, as Edward watched her as he waited for her to tell him what was wrong with Envy, his left fingers ghosting unconsciously over his lips, Lust suddenly realized what it had been. She stopped a smile from reaching her lips, then focussed again on Envy's state, and her frown reappeared.
"He is… sick, for lack of a better word."
"Sick ? How could a Homunculus get sick ?" Edward stated incredulously.
"That's why I added for lack of a better word, you know. He's not sick like a human would. His body started to reject his stones," she explained calmly, inwardly sighing when the Alchemist's eyes widened. "Listen, I don't have time to explain everything to you. Let's say that his body rejects the stones, and with them his Homunculus nature, because you brought him to feel human emotions again," she said bluntly.
Edward was gaping. His brain was locked on the too much information pattern, and he struggled to gather his wits.
"How do I know it's not another twisted plan to get me and Al do what you want ?" he demanded somewhat suspiciously.
Lust only stared.
"Because we have no orders. Our… Master is gone and left us behind. But I couldn't take that risk. Should they come back and realize Envy's going weak, they would seal him away to study him, or worse, simply destroy him. Even the others don't know. I didn't tell them. They probably think he's brooding over something or off somewhere as usual. And before you ask, I care because Envy's the one who helped me through the first times of my transformation. I trust him, and I know he trusts me to some extent. I can't let him be killed just because he's not useful anymore to our Master's eye."
Edward swallowed his question back.
"By the way," the female Sin said, a small smile on her lips, "how did you know Envy wasn't here to kill or trick you in some way ?"
Edward stared at her, slightly gaping. Because if Envy had wanted to kill him, he would have done so while he was still asleep ? Because regular Homunculi couldn't talk about emotions like they were actually feeling them ? Because the Sin had been too troubled to be acting ? Because…
"Because I felt it…" came the murmured answer.
"Then, what do you feel know ?"
Edward looked right into her gaze, eyes radiating, and, a fraction of second, Lust understood Envy.
"I feel like I should believe you," he said firmly.
Well, he didn't really have a choice, and something was inciting him to accept. Something he did not wish to acknowledge. Yet. Or ever.
"Good," Lust said, and the first true smile he had ever seen her give spread on her lips. "I left him near the trees over there," she motioned towards the forest, before jumping down the balcony, followed by the blond Alchemist. They landed gracefully and soundlessly, and soon they were walking briskly towards the trees.
While approaching the edge of the forest, he spotted Envy's motionless form sprawled against a trunk. His steps hurried up a bit, and before he could really acknowledge what he was doing, he was kneeling at his side, his left hand resting on a pale and cold forearm. The Sin was unconscious, sweating, hair damped and sticking everywhere, on his face, his forehead, his neck, his shoulders and arms… Edward looked up at Lust who gazed back at him.
"He stopped throwing up stones a while ago, but he's unconscious since. But I think that's alright. His body needs to regain strength, losing stones is like transforming back into an almost human frame. Only the one on his chest remains now," she explained to the still silent young man.
"Have you tried to feed him some more stones ? That's how it works, doesn't it ?"
"Pointless. He would reject them as well. What he needs is rest, but he's not immortal anymore. Since he has no stone left expect the one that keeps him whole, if he dies now he will be dead for good. That's why I came to you," she said, tugging slightly at her hair as if frustrated. "I couldn't let him where our Master would have discovered his power loss."
"I understand," said Edward, and he meant it.
His eyes fell back on Envy, and something twisted inside him, somewhere between his heart and his stomach. He couldn't stop his hand from tucking a wild bang behing the Homunculus' ear, and at that precise moment, decided to give in the urge to make him well and bring him into whatever light he seemingly possessed. He looked up at Lust, meeting her knowing eyes, and he wriggled a bit under this gaze he didn't know what to think of.
"Tell me, Fullmetal," she began, a small smirk tugging the right corner of her mouth upward, "you also seem changed…"
He didn't answer at first.
"I felt it. Something changed, in him," he explained awkwardly under Lust's questioning eyes. "It was… different from what it had been. He seemed… lost, maybe. Disconcerted. Almost… human. And I felt the need, somewhat, to help him, to give him what he needed, if I could, because while listening to him I was… intrigued, and…" he hesitated, searching for his words. " … drawn to whatever I apparently had woken up in him, and I wanted to try and light him whole… It seemed the right thing to do."
"Do you think kissing him also was the right thing to do ?"
Edward nearly choked. He stumbled back to his feet, eyes wide, staring at her.
"How do you… What… Did he… ?"
"No, he didn't tell me that. I guessed, and apparently I was right…"
Her smirk was still in place, but she didn't add anything. The boy would soon enough realize that his denied urge to bring Envy into his own halo (that he still didn't really know he had) was leading to something else. She didn't know what to think about it, but what must happen will happen, and she wasn't one to try and stop it. She suddenly saw the young man like Envy must, golden eyes lively, hair of a warm blond hanging below his shoulders, skin slightly tanned, radiating strength and warmth and light that spread through the atmosphere. The sight quickly faded, and she blinked.
"So, can I trust you with him ?" she asked.
Edward, who had been still staring at her open-mouthed, looked at the Sin's pale features, then bent down and gathered him into his arms before lifting him up, bride style.
"You can," he told the female Homunculus, looking seriously at her.
Seeing his arms tightening a bit, protectively and unconsciously, she gave him a tired smile.
"Good," she said, before stepping in the shadows and disappearing from sight.
Edward began walking back to the Rockbell's house, Envy still unconscious and cradled into his arms, his head resting on the blond Alchemist's shoulder. He sighed, then thought that he was going to have a lot of things to explain to his worried brother, his impassive Granny and his cranky – from being woken up at two and a half in the morning – mechanic, and, not noticing that he held the Sin even more closer, wondered what he has just gotten himself into.
TBC
