Chapter 6:
Alucard sat staring at the white wall, pouting. He had been in the psych ward for over ten hours and no one had come to see him recently. The last time Seras had visited had been eight hours ago. A dim thought floated into his head and popped into brightly-colored bubbles in his mind.
"Bubbles!" he squealed, happy for something to entertain him. After a few minutes of amusement with the mental bubbles he decided to see if he could wander into the corridor. He stood up and pranced to the door. To his great surprise it was unlocked. With a fiendish cackle he began creeping down the hallway.
שּﭏשּ
Seras decided that she should probably check on her Master. The Nesquik had been given to him twelve and a half hours ago. Judging by the noises drifting from that area of the manor, Alucard was still going strong.
She sighed.
"If I wouldn't be insulting myself I would say that my blondeness has taken over his mind. I would also guess that my new intelligence comes from the stimulus of him having raven-colored locks. Maybe I should run a few test on the chemical properties of hair to see if it truly is hair color or just DNA that makes me a moron and him not so much," she wondered aloud, while walking to the Psych Ward.
When she got there her heart stopped, well it would have it was still beating, anyway. Alucard was attempting to "sneak" down the hallway. This much she figured from his repeated calls of, "I'm sneaking! I'm sneaking! They'll never find me!!!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
"Hold it right there!" she announced, turning sideways and pointing her finger in his direction. What can I say, that pose rocks.
Alucard's, well technically Seras', back stiffened. He whipped around and glared at Seras who had not relaxed her position.
"You'll never stop me!" he screamed, before turning around and racing up the steps to the main part of the manor.
Seras' face paled. "Oh sh..."
שּﭏשּ
Integra glanced up at the sound of someone knocking on her door.
"Enter," she said in a monotone voice.
Seras walked into the room. (A/N: By this I mean Alucard walked into the room, he just LOOKED like Seras.) Integra looks shocked.
"Er…hello, Alucard," she said nervously, "How are you feeling?"
Alucard gave her an 'Are you crazy?' look. "I am feeling quite fine, madam. May I inquire to your health? Are those obnoxiously pungent cigars affecting you yet?"
Integra looked stunned, "Uh…no, actually. It's surprising me too. I would have thought they'd do something by now."
Alucard nodded with a look of great interest and sat in a chair that was conveniently located in front of Integra's desk.
Integra's expression became even more surprised. "I was under the impression that you were mentally disabled, more than usual I mean."
Alucard scoffed. "Of course not, the whole thing was to scare Seras."
"Truly?" questioned Integra, not entirely believing.
"Well not all of it," Alucard admitted, "I exaggerated a bit to scare Seras, but I am at the moment incredibly hyper."
Integra's eye twitched. "Um….you seem quite sane to me."
"Do I?" asked Alucard, smiling widely, showing off his fangs and leaning forward on his elbows.
Sir Integra decided that right then would be a very good time to call for Walter.
שּﭏשּ
Walter was just enjoying a cup of tea while watching his favorite TV show, Dora the Explorer, when he heard the urgent call of his mistress.
He got up and started stomping over to the door. "What?!" he yelled out.
"HELP MMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" came Integra's frenzied reply.
This, not being her usual response, made him think that something was not quite right. (A/N: Kudos, Walter!)
He quickly ran up to her office and opened the door to find Seras (Alucard) critically inspecting the bottom of the ashtray as the leader of Hellsing cowered in the corner. Walter gasped.
"Oh my!" he cried gallantly. "Seras stop that at once! NEVER touch Sir Integra's ashtray!!!!!"
Alucard looked at him disdainfully. "I am NOT Seras," he said scathingly.
Immediately, Walter knew she…he was telling the truth because Seras had no idea what scathing meant, let alone being able to pull it off. He gasped once again.
"It can't be!" he exclaimed, "Madam did you use the atomic molecule exchanger to switch the body's of our two vampire henchmen?!" he asked.
Integra gasped as well, "Yes, I did! How on earth did you know?"
"Well I knew it had to be something completely irrational and unfeasible since the author of this story is written by a girl who is legally insane and I also saw the newspaper clipping for the A.M.E when I cleaned out your desk!"
"That makes perfect sense in a completely insane way!"
"I know! She really is screwed up!"
"SHUT UP!" yelled Alucard, sounding almost like his true self. Both butler and mistress stopped talking…er, yelling to look at him. "What are you talking about?! There is no author, this is real life!!!"
Integra shook her head sympathetically, "Poor undereducated Alucard. Did you really think that I would sob after screwing up my two best soldiers or that you would even have a period since your undead?"
"Er…no."
"See," said Walter, "As several reviews have pointed out you shouldn't have a period because you are undead and can't reproduce anyway."
"Hey, that's not true," protested Alucard, "In Vampire Hunter D they reproduce. So they must have periods."
"Excellent observation, Alucard," responded Integra proudly, "That is exactly correct. It really just is whatever the author wants. Our author says that vampires can have periods and so they do.
"Wait, doesn't that mean the reviewers are lacking common sense when they say that stuff?" Alucard asked, confused.
"Yes it does!" exclaimed Walter, delighted, "The author can do whatever she wants in this story, like direct the characters to address those reviews, because she is the one writing it."
"Hey, that's brilliant," exclaimed Alucard, "But Integra, why did you cry?"
"Because I had just taken my two best soldiers and switched them. I knew they could never last and I was also having an OOC moment, just like when I was being really sloppy!"
"Wow! That makes sense," announced Alucard.
"Ya, it does! But what about Tuisto?" asked Walter.
"What about him?" inquired Integra.
"Well, he said that the first chapter was odd and pathetically short. Do we have an explanation for that?"
"Actually, we do!" said Integra proudly, "You see if Mr. Tuisto had paid any attention he would have noticed that that was a prologue and not the first chapter. He also should have realized that the story of what Alucard did that annoyed me doesn't need to be told, just look at him! Another thing he might have realized is that this isn't about why I changed you guys, it's about what happens after! One last thing, though it was nice to have a compliment on spelling and grammar, he misspelled in his review!"
"Wow, no way!" exclaimed Walter and Alucard simultaneously.
"Ya, I know!"
"One more question," said Alucard, "What about Mesmerizing Necromancer, who agreed with Tuisto?"
Walter took this question, "Who really cares? We've had so many GOOD reviews like the ones from Alucard's Vampiress, MegFallow, franny-o, Ludifer, Youku's Befuddled Fox, and so many others!"
"Hm, ya I guess your right. Those reviwers are pretty amazing aren't they?"
"Ya!" agreed Integra and Walter.
"Shut up!!!" screamed Seras as she entered the room. "Stop talking to the reviwers and let's get back to the story!"
שּﭏשּ
Walter was just enjoying a cup of tea while watching his favorite TV show, Dora the Explorer, when he heard the urgent call of his mistress.
He got up and started stomping over to the door. "What?!" he yelled out.
"HELP MMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" came Integra's frenzied reply.
This, not being her usual response, made him think that something was not quite right. (A/N: Kudos, Walter!)
He quickly ran up to her office and opened the door to find Seras (Alucard) critically inspecting the bottom of the ashtray as the leader of Hellsing cowered in the corner. Walter gasped.
"Oh my!" he cried gallantly. "Seras stop that at once! NEVER touch Sir Integra's ashtray!!!!!"
Alucard looked at him disdainfully. "I am NOT Seras," he said scathingly.
Immediately, Walter knew she…he was telling the truth because Seras had no idea what scathing meant, let alone being able to pull it off. He gasped once again.
"It can't be!" he exclaimed, "What happened to you?"
Integra looked ashamed, "You know how I was cutting up the newspaper a few days ago?" she asked.
"Yes…," responded Walter his eyes narrowing.
"Well there was an ad for an atomic molecule exchanger and I thought I could get back at him for all those crazy things he does," she replied sheepishly, "Unfortunately, Seras got caught in the blast and now they're each other."
Walter rolled his eyes in frustration, "How many times have I told you not to buy things from newspaper articles. First you used that special scooter to steal the painting, The Fairy Thief, then you used the hypnosis ring to create Captain Underpants…"
"Ssh!" whispered Integra frantically putting her finger over her mouth, "Don't tell everyone! They're just starting to believe that Artemis Fowl and George 'n' Harold did those things!"
Alucard meanwhile started to search through Integra's desk and was coming up with the usual office supply ware. Paper clips, a stapler, paper, a pair of scissors, several whoopee cushions, an electronic fart machine, a bill from Limited Too, a Victoria's Secret catalog, and a small silver pistol.
שּﭏשּ
While all of this insanity was going on Seras was hunting in the armory for something that would be able to stop Alucard from causing too much destruction. She heard loud gunfire and knew she had only a few minutes to decide. Then she saw it, the perfect weapon. Alucard's maniacal grin spread over her face and she quickly grabbed the weapon before running up the stairs to get Alucard.
שּﭏשּ
Alucard decided that it would be fun to play with the pistol and fired off several rounds before realizing his hands hurt, a LOT.
"Owie!" he cried miserably dropping the pistol and sucking on his fingers. Tears came to his eyes and he began dancing around in one place while waving around his injured hands yelling "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!"
Just then the door to Integra's office burst open and Seras entered through the smoking wreckage holding a dart rifle menacingly. Walter and Miss. Hellsing almost fainted from relief in there hiding spot under the desk.
"Drop the gun," said Seras in her most western macho accent.
Alucard gave her a confused glance, "I'm not holding a gun, silly."
"Uh, right." Seras blinked. The without further ado, she shot Alucard in the neck. He promptly collapsed and began snoring on the floor while sucking his thumb. "Whew," breathed Seras, wiping sweat from her face."
"What did you shoot him with?" asked Integra who had crawled out from under the desk.
"I found this nifty tranquilizer gun and I thought it might be useful," said Seras proudly, glad to have done something right for once.
"Hm…alright then. Take Alucard to his room," Integra said to Walter.
Seras' face fell. No praise for her. There never was. Oh, well. Walter dragged Alucard to bed and Seras went to sleep herself. That was the end of their second day as each other.
A/N: Hope you liked that chapter! I really wanted to address these reviews that keep telling me that Integra doesn't cry when forced to kill something. Please, stop telling me this!!! I know! This is my story and if I want Integra to cry she damn well is gonna cry. Thanks to all those good reviews that I've been getting. Thanks to the reviewers I mentioned and those I didn't. I love you all. I love Tuisto too, just cuz that review made me laugh. Voila! I'll keep 'em coming. Oh, Father Anderson may be getting his debut in my story in either day three or day four. Most likely four. Anyway, love you all! Nya!
