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I didn't understanding what a Vulcan bond really was, not completely, until we left that rec room. Spock demonstrated his ability to read me through it a couple times while we were in there. He even told me he was glad to have me on a leash. But honestly, I didn't understand the change in myself and him, the 'we' instead of 'I', until we walked out the door and into Bones' sickbay. You could have told me about it until you turned blue. I wouldn't have, and didn't, understood a word until I felt those first Surak mantras, those complex equations appear in my head from a thought process other than mine.

I felt Spock in my head the whole time we were together in the rec room, but it was vague, unfocussed. Mostly what he did with the bond at that point was check on me. Every time we had come up for air, he made a show of telling me how many scratches he had put on my back. The bond didn't mean much to me then. It just seemed to complement the feeling of him plastered to my physical body.

But walking toward sickbay, I started to feel the bond in its entirety. It was a fragile thing, like an old-fashioned shoestring. But I could feel it growing, even as we entered the turbolift. It was branching, reaching into my memories, my thoughts, my soul. Although I could only feel Spock's side vaguely, I imagined the connection was also pulling his essence into itself. Soon, I was sure, there would be no privacy between us.

So I started poking at the bond as Bones came to the door to greet us. I couldn't help it. It was like scratching at an insect bite. But when I saw Spock flinch as he sat up on an exam table, I stopped. I didn't want to hurt him.

But I didn't want him in my head either.

I didn't say anything to Bones. I was too busy trying to figure out how to get my privacy back without hurting my new bondmate. Plus, I figured you had talked to him about it. You filled him in well enough about the other aspects of pon farr, if his blush was anything to go by.

So I saw no reason to embarrass Spock by bringing our mental condition up to McCoy. It wouldn't have helped the situation. There was nothing Bones could do.

I let McCoy push me around for the few minutes it took to heal the scratches Spock left on me. Then I hurried out of sickbay. Because even though I didn't like the feeling in my head, I found myself mentally reaching towards my first officer. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to drag him back to my quarters and just hold him.

For the guy who slept with half the cadets in Starfleet Academy, that is a terrifying thought. I don't cuddle. I don't do gentle. I take what I want and leave. But I couldn't leave Spock. It was physically impossible, given our positions on the ship. And it was becoming less likely by the minute that I'd be able to pull away from him mentally.

So I tried even harder to block him out of my head. That's easier said than done when he took up residence there. So, of course, like the fuck-up that I am, I ended up hurting him.

No, I didn't like doing that. I went through the whole mating ritual with him so he could remain with us, healthy...and whatever the Vulcan equivalent of 'happy' is. But when I realized what I had done, when I understood that he was becoming a part of me, I panicked.

He couldn't stay there in my mind, not if I wanted him to remain with me. I'd just drag him down with me when I came to my spectacular, or humiliating, end. And I knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time.

So I started pulling at the bond. No, I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish. I knew I couldn't pull him out of my head just by yanking on the rope that anchored us. I was just...reacting to his presence and to my fears.

But I couldn't stop my abuse, not even when he asked me to. I kept tugging and pulling, trying to hide from my mate, trying to dislodge the bond. But all I did was get on Spock's nerves. It didn't take long until I felt him flinch in pain again.

I had to stop then, at least for a moment. Because I felt his pain as if it were my own. But I was back at it a minute later. The bond was just too distracting. And it kept reminding me of what we had been doing the last four days. The bridge wasn't exactly the best place to indulge those memories.

Spock almost had to yell at me to get me to stop messing with the damned thing. When I realized how distrated I was, I pulled him aside and demanded he do something to give me some privacy.

So, yeah, he shielded it. It was a relief when I no longer felt Spock inside me. I finally felt like I had some breathing room. And Spock...well he said that the shield wouldn't hurt him, so I figured it was safer for him if he wasn't bombarded by all my illogical thoughts.

Of course, Spock was lying to me. And I was lying to myself. The shield had the potential to destroy everything. I didn't need Spock's genius to figure that out. All I needed to do was take a good look at his face when he slid the shield into place. And I still let him do it. Now do you see how fucked-up I was?

Yeah, I knew he ran to you when I told him to close the bond. He ran out of the turbolift and to your side as if Klingons were after him. Hell, I would have done the same thing in his shoes.

He did take your advice and tried to talk to me. But I couldn't, not in the mess hall. It was too public. And of course I was too scared.

Don't yell at me for giving him the cold shoulder! I thought a refusal would be easier for him to take when the bond was weak. Parts of it appeared, I don't know, transparent to me. I thought it might just break on its own and Spock could go about his business as usual without having to deal with me.

I did try to coax it along, I admit. My first attempt was when Spock checked on the bond when he was on the observation deck with you. I felt the bond open. I knew Spock was listening to me.

So that's when I chose to tell Bones that I felt bad for leading Spock on. Which I did, really. My judgment was bad, and I did some really asinine things during those couple days. You know, the ruse where you attempt to give them what they want when they're in front of you, but when their back is turned, you head for the hills. I know you've done it, too. I can see it on your face.

But I never wanted my first officer to get hurt by any of this. The reason I found myself in that situation was that I just couldn't handle the thought of Spock dying when I could save him. I'm glad I have that much of Dad's nobility. It's a shame that I somehow lost the rest.

All I did when I ignored Spock's questions, though, was make matters worse. Boy, did I screw up there. I refused to talk to him about the bond when he sought me out. I made a date with a female ensign. And yes, I deliberately put myself in a suggestive position with Prefect Kitan of Delta IV.

Kitan thought I was being naive. I think you know how Deltans are. They think we have the sexual intelligence of a flea. He didn't like that I was trying to break the bond by provoking Spock, but he loved the idea of getting a rise out of a Vulcan. What? People have been trying to do it since Archer met T'Pol. Hell, Bones has made a career of it!

Oh, afterwards I got a long lecture from the Prefect about relationships and how to correctly foster one, at least between Deltans. Too bad that didn't do me any good.

Nobody's advice seemed to be of much use, not Kitan's, not yours, not even McCoy's. And I was starting to come to the conclusion that if this 'infidelity' didn't result in the bond breaking, it could really hurt Spock.

Alright, alright, I admit it! I did have some idea that the bond's demise might cause serious problems for us, although I tried to ignore that voice in my head that sounded way too much like Bones.

But when beamed down to New Vulcan after Spock made sure you found Savid...Well, he looked like he lost his pet sehlat. Oh...he must have seen you two say your hellos. Well, he could see your bond was in great shape if he caught you two kissing. That must have hurt, especially when I had barely looked at him after we left the rec room.

I only saw him for a second before his father pulled me aside to discuss something. But what I saw should have been a warning sign. He looked...devastated.

I already knew Spock was stubborn enough to not ask for help when he needed it. But I should have studied Vulcan culture better before I bonded to him. Because I never considered suicide to be on the Vulcan list of 'logical' solutions to a problem.

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end part 3