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Now, the whole thing didn't come crashing down overnight. I might have been in a better position if it had. I would have been able to blame something other than myself for what happened, even if it would have been a lie.

But Spock broke down like a Vulcan. In other words, he did it methodically. It started with small things. A missed chess game here, a forgotten lunch date there. At first, his mistakes seemed to relate directly to me, so I tried to give him a bit of space. If I was the cause of his problem, I figured getting out of his way would help solve it.

But then Bones started to notice differences in him too. These changes were harder to ignore. According to McCoy, Spock was acting very irritable. He was yelling at subordinates for things that he would have normally just pointed out a correction. It got to the point that Spock threatened an ensign with physical harm if she didn't vacate the rec room he wanted to use.

I could ignore our personal problems. I could handle animosity between us. Abuse of the crew was another matter. When he started taking his frustrations out on the others, I had to get involved. So I confronted him after dinner one night as we were on our way to the Ferengi homeworld to negotiate a loan of latinum for the Vulcan colony.

I called him to my quarters at around 1900. He came in stiffly, trying to avoid my gaze.

'Spock, we need to talk.' I said as non-threateningly as I could.

'About what, Captain?' he asked formally.

'Bones told me you seemed...bothered by something. He was concerned that you might be taking it out on the crew.' I tried to step as lightly as I could over his feelings by not accusing him directly. I might not have wanted to acknowledge that I had something to do with this, but I wasn't about to make it worse by stomping all over him.

'I apologize, Captain. I know which incident you are referring to. I assure you that it will not happen again.' His cold expression began to bother me. We had been making progress with our relationship. But that progress appeared to be gone now. I started to pace...out of guilt.

'Look, we both know things have been tough for you since...well, since things changed between us.'

I paused and waited for his nod, then continued. 'Maybe we need some time away from each other. You have some time you can take...we could drop you off in the colony, let you spend some time with your father.'

'That...that would be acceptable.' He said softly. In that moment, he seemed like his old self, except for one thing: I heard him stumble through that sentence. That simple problem should have been a red flag. He had never done that before while appearing calm.

But of course I was burying my head in the sand again. Humans are great at fooling themselves when they don't want to admit to something. I didn't want to admit I had caused the change in Spock.

So we dropped him off at the colony for his 'vacation'. Yeah, I know he never made it to Sarek's house. I found out when we came back later. By that time it was almost too late.

Looking back, I'm sure I would have figured it out earlier if I hadn't insisted on having the shield between us in the bond. If we would have used the bond, we probably would have fought like dogs marking their territory, but that's what a relationship is sometimes about. We needed to figure out what we could do together and what we were better off doing alone.

But I stopped that conversation before it even started. I forced him to take away the one thing that would have made me compromise. I stupidly thought that he'd be better off if he didn't have to deal with me.

I made excuses to myself about why he needed this break. And some of them were actually true. I could see the fatigue in him. Hell, we were all getting tired of the diplomatic bullshit. It was not a good time to be a Vulcan. You had to be willing to thank the people on the left for their gifts while pleading with the people on the right for things you still needed. Then you still had to find a currency to pay the group behind you so they stayed off your back. And while this was going on, each and every green-blooded being in the colony was trying to deal with a trauma none of the rest of us could really comprehend.

The colony had such underlying distress, but was in such denial about it, that even Ambassador Sarek was beginning to get short with people.

Oh, I know. Any of us would react in a similar way, but without the Vulcan restraint. By the time the Vulcans were showing signs of strain, we humans would have caused a war.

Part of me knew I was being an idiot when it came to Spock. I'm lucky I didn't drown in that sewer water I stuck my head in to hide from the truth. It was bad enough that the truth was about to bite me in the ass.

Somehow, that week of vacation I gave Spock turned into a month. Normally, that wouldn't have bothered me. He needed something to help him along. Hell, the guy just lost his planet. And then he found out that his bondmate...me...wasn't all he cracked up to be. So he needed a little more time. I would have been okay with that except for one thing: the looks Uhura started giving me.

I was beginning to get the feeling that she knew something I didn't about our missing crew member. So one day I pulled her aside, a bit roughly. I wanted to know whatever she did. Hell, if Spock didn't come back, I would have to admit to someone other than myself that I screwed up--again.

I got straight to the point. 'Where the hell is he?'

She tried denying any knowledge of his whereabouts at first, but when I wouldn't let it go, she sighed. 'He told me he was considering becoming one of the Kohlinar.'

I looked at her critically. I had heard of the Kohlinar. I had even seen a few leave town as they headed for the mountains. So I had some idea of what she meant. But I didn't let myself contemplate the result that she was suggesting: that Spock was leaving us. 'Those astetics? Well, that makes sense. He needs some time away from it all. It's been a rough couple of months.'

Your bondmate didn't tell me about the Kohlinar and their unemotional ways. If I would have known what happened to you two when Savid joined them...well, truthfully, I probably would have been completely insensitive and sent Spock to them a week earlier. I wanted the bond gone that badly.

Uhura glared at me. I think this whole situation pissed her off. I can't say I blamed her. I took her precious man and treated him like shit. 'He went there to try to deal with you and that bond of yours, you...' She growled softly in her throat. 'You *child*.'

I glared back at her. That was a little too insultive. 'I need my space. He knows that.'

'Didn't you see him when we left the colony? He was in pain!' With a huff of impatience, Uhura dragged me into a corner. 'I swear, if you don't quit hurting him, I'll find a way to make your life a living hell.'

'I'm not doing anything!' I growled. 'He told me shutting down the bond wouldn't hurt him.'

'He lied!' She looked ready to punch me.

'Vulcans don't lie!' I said without thinking, then flinched as I saw her pull back her hand.

But she restrained herself. Why, I don't know. 'You know better than that *Captain*.' She spat. But she didn't touch me. Sometimes I wish she had. I deserved to be beaten for what I had done.

We both stood there for a few minutes, just staring at each other. I sighed. We were both worried about him. It was time to come clean. So I held up my hands in surrender. 'We're headed back. I'll go look for him as soon as we're in orbit.'

It wasn't good enough for my communications officer. 'Try your head first. You are bonded to him.' Nyota turned on her heel and left. Damn, she knew where to dig all too well.

But I knew she was right. The best place to start looking for Spock was in my own head. So I headed to my cabin and laid down on my bunk.

I tried to find that spot in my mind that I had avoided for the last three months. It wasn't easy, the shield hid it well. But after a bit of searching, I found it.

I 'stood' in front of the bond then, looking at it. To my mind, it seemed...weak, fragile. A cloth string compared to the titanium cable I had seen in Savid's head. I touched it carefully, trying to figure out how to use it to get to Spock.

I could see the shield in the middle of the bond. It was a shimmering, transparent barrier that reminded me of a brig forcefield. I touched it gently. It didn't give, but I felt it warm to my hand.

'Spock?' I called uncertainly. 'Spock, are you there?'

At first, nothing happened. Then slowly, images began to filter through the bond.

I could see the mountains in his first projection, majestic and tall. But none of them were *his* mountain. None of them were Sileya. That mountain was gone with his planet and his mother. The thought made me sigh with remorse.

But I refocused my attention as other images started to come through the shield. I needed to pay attention to what my bondmate was trying to tell me. I owed him that much.

The next image I saw was a Vulcan in robes walking slowly up the mountain, his head bowed as if in prayer or meditation. One of the Kohlinar, I guessed.

Then, Spock's image reflected in a pool of water. He was wearing the same robes that the other Vulcan was. His expression looked strained to me. The vacation didn't seem to be doing him much good.

That image then changed, darkened. Suddenly it appeared as if he..I was kneeling in a cave. I could no longer see his face, but I could see a hand stretched out towards me...him? In the hand was some kind of beaded necklace. As I watched, the hand opened and the necklace fell to the dirt floor in front of me.

Then we were back at the pool. Spock's image shimmered up at me. He looked even worse than before, haggard and pale.

Then the last image came: pale green arms stretched out before me. In the hands attached to the arms was an ornate dagger, crusted with jewels. It was aimed toward my..*his* chest.

There was no more.

The last image must have broke the trance the bond had put me in, because once it entered my mind, I bolted up on my bunk with a gasp.

Oh God, no. I knew what that image meant: I really fucked up this time.

For a minute I couldn't think, I couldn't move. Then my instincts took over. I jumped off my bunk and ran out of my cabin.

I headed to the bridge at a dead run. All I could think of was that jewelled dagger as I ran out of the turbolift and to Chekov's station to see how close we were to New Vulcan.

My heart raced as I realized we were still an hour away. Damn.

So I did the only thing I could. I hoped, for all our sakes, that the image he had sent me wasn't of the present.

Because if it was, we were all fucked.

-
end part 4