I can see on your face that you know out what happened. Yes, I fell for the Vulcan propaganda line. The only reason I'm not beating myself up about it is that it really wasn't my fault. I know the whole 'Vulcans can't lie' is a blatant lie itself, but damn, this one hurt one of their own. They should be ashamed. After this episode, I don't think I'll ever trust the Vulcan Science Academy again.
Yes, they actually put the words in that damned database. 'Vulcans mate every seven years.' I'm beginning to think a bunch of Vulcan mothers stuck that in there so their children wouldn't marry off-worlders. It almost worked on us.
How? Well, I was dumb enough to believe it. Hell, it was their database. It didn't occur to me they were hiding their true natures. Of course, I didn't have Spock looking over my shoulder at the time to explain exactly what those words meant. I had done the research alone to help me understand him. I was trying to avoid asking him embarrassing questions.
No, the things you implied during our discussion of pon farr must not have sunk in far enough. Or I really am as dense as everyone thinks I am.
I nearly blew it. What? Everything! I nearly blew everything because I believed one sentence in a distorted database!
I did it because I thought I needed to be considerate of Spock's physiology. Because of me, he had been through hell. I owed it to him to try things his way. I figured if he didn't need or want that part of a relationship, I could...find a way to do without.
That first day, it was easy. Because I needed to help Spock. I needed to get him back on his feet.
I spent a good part of the day helping him interact with the crew, who wanted to check on him, and running interference with Bones, who wanted to keep him in sickbay. And of course, I had to misreport the incident to Starfleet. That distracted me from my libido for awhile.
Things became more difficult when we finally ended up in his room later in the day.
Truthfully, through, when he first requested a change in sleeping arrangements, sex wasn't the first thing that popped into my head. Yeah, I know. I was shocked, too. But Spock was still so...fragile that I worried about other things.
We were sitting in his quarters playing chess when he brought it up.
As I let him, yes *let him* beat me for the first time in our time together (yes, he was that shaken), I found him attempting to catch my eye. I leaned forward as he struggled to find the right words. 'Would you consent to...sharing a bed with me tonight? I do not wish to impose on you, t'hy'la, but the bond still needs time to grow.'
I could see caution in his eyes, and worry. This wasn't the Spock I knew from before. Where the Spock I first met was confident and serene, this being was unsure of himself and anxious.
And it was my fault. Fuck.
Part of me knew that people don't recover from a suicide attempt in a heartbeat. Hell, for some, I was sure it took years. The sorrow that drives a person to that kind of desperation doesn't disappear easily. But the bond...the strength of the bond had pushed those thoughts aside when we had beamed back to the ship.
But even so, I made sure I was close to Spock when he wa s showered with the 'welcome backs' from just about every crew member we passed. Even though we had made it clear that Spock had been injured--to protect his privacy I said he had been attacked by an animal--there seemed to be a disappointed air among the bridge crew when I returned there to check in with them without him. They wanted him back where he belonged. Hell, so did I.
But as I watched Spock struggle with unfamiliar emotions, I now knew why Bones gave him those days off. It wasn't as much the injury to his flesh as it was the injury to his being that he needed time to recover from. I was just glad Bones found a credible excuse to keep me officially off duty as well--signs of Denebian flu--so I could help Spock start the healing process.
So when I sat in front of him and listened to him stumble over those words to me, to ask for something that as far as I'm concerned was his right, I found myself clenching my fists to keep me from punching a wall. 'You didn't want to impose?! God, I should have been the one you stabbed..'
'No!' Spock nearly yelled as he grabbed my arms. His reaction was fierce, like a lioness protecting her cub. It shocked me so much that I nearly fell off his desk chair. I wasn't used to being defended.
Ok, time to change the subject, Jimmy, I said to myself as I righted the chair. He already told you that he doesn't think of you as the problem here...
So I held up my hands and looked Spock straight in the eye. 'Ok, ok, I'll stop maligning your bondmate. It's just...did you really think I *wouldn't* want to be with you?'
Spock shook his head as he settled back into his chair. 'The ease of the new bond's creation proves that you wish to have contact with me. However, I was concerned for your privacy. I do not wish to intrude upon it.' He clasped his hands together as he examined my face. I think he needed to know that his request didn't offend me.
Taking a deep breath, I ran my hands through my hair and watched Spock watch me. He wouldn't understand my desire to attack myself. So I needed to calm down. But I wasn't doing a good job. My body shook as I tried to convince myself that I didn't need to stand in front of a firing squad for my crimes.
'Jim?' Spock reached toward me. As his hand touched my shoulder, the bond sent a questioning murmur to me.
'Sorry.' I sighed. 'I'm still angry at myself for what I did to you.'
Spock stood as he contemplated my reaction, then he turned my chair so he could kneel in front of me and take my hands in his. His warm skin did what I could not: it helped me push the guilt away and relax. He nodded approvingly as I squeezed his hands lightly. 'This self-punishment must cease, t'hy'la. Your feelings of guilt will not aid the bond's growth.'
'I know. I know. I'm trying to deal with my guilt. It would be easier if you didn't tiptoe around me I want privacy, I'll ask for it, ok?' I sat foward in the chair and coaxed Spock closer to me.
There's no need for that damned eyebrow. You don't do it as well as a Vulcan, anyway. I didn't plan to do that. I didn't! I just wanted to be able to touch his face and his hair. It had become a way to comfort both of us, one I didn't realize we picked up until that moment.
I barely registered that Spock was on his knees until his breath was blowing on my stomach.
No, I wasn't that stupid! I did the first thing I could think of that wouldn't offend Spock. I imagined a small shield and stuck it over the part of the bond that seemed to send physical signals between us.
Of course Spock noticed. 'Is something wrong?' he asked softly, hesitation in his eyes again. I didn't even need to look into the bond to know he was searching his mind for what he did wrong.
I rushed to reassure him. I didn't want him to think I was backing off again...So, of course, I lied. 'It was that damned cake Janice made for you. It tasted good, but I think all that sugar gave me a stomach ache. I didn't want to cause you any pain, so I...made the shield to protect you. Is it bothering you?'
'I would prefer you seek out Dr. McCoy and remedy the problem.' Spock said a little more firmly this time. I think my excuse worked. He knew how I struggled to not look weak to the crew. But it was his job to keep me on my feet, so he felt the need to argue with me.
I used his perception of my ego to my advantage...for his own good, or so I thought. 'I'd rather let it settle on its own. Bones' griping at me might make it worse.' I winked at my bondmate with a small smile.
Spock raised an eyebrow, but he didn't push the issue. I don't think he wanted me to leave the room anymore than I wanted to. But I did need him to move from that very tempting position, so I coaxed him over to the bed so we could sit side by side.
'Why don't we share your bed tonight?' I suggested, looking around at his artifacts from home...a home that no longer existed. This room was a haven for him, filled with memories of things he could no longer have. I wanted him to be here, to relax in this room he had made into his home. I wanted to give him all the comforts I could.
Spock agreed with a nod.
Although it wasn't very late, I could see the shadows under Spock's eyes, so I suggested we turn in.
Knowing I'd need a barrier between me and Spock, I went back to my cabin and found the set of pajamas that a girl named Carol gave me when I ended up taking a trip with her to her parents' place. What? You know who I'm talking about? Oh, I only went out with her a few times. She's stiffer and colder than Spock had ever been.
But I figured the outfit was a must, even if it did remind me of the ice princess. I needed something to keep my arousal under control. My only comfort was that I knew Spock wouldn't laugh at how I looked in the drab brown cotton. I just hoped that it was enough to keep me from doing something that Spock didn't want.
After a cursory glance in the mirror--I looked like I was trying to wear my grandfather's clothes--I headed back to Spock's room. Luckily he turned down the heat for me, or I would have roasted in that get-up.
Spock was also covered from head-to-toe when I got there. But his nightwear was Earth-sky-blue silk, a gift from his mother. Like his uniform tunic, it somehow highlighted his skin and gave it a healthy glow. Already, I felt my resolve being undone, just by the sight of him. That small, pleased smile he sent my way didn't help either.
My desire for my bondmate came back with a vengeance. I knew then that I was doomed to failure. I couldn't resist my attraction to him. It was like trying to resist the pull of gravity.
But I couldn't back out now, so I did the next best thing: I slipped into Spock's bed and under the covers, as fast as I could. He must have been more tired than I realized, because he didn't comment on my attempt at hiding my physical state. He just slipped into bed next to me.
Now I don't have much experience in bed that doesn't involve sex or sleeping alone. So I laid on my back and looked toward Spock, searching his face for a clue. What did he want me to do? I had some experience with cuddling, but only under duress. And I wasn't sure I wanted to think about the ones before Spock anyway. Yeah, it hadn't even been a full day since the bond reformed and I was talking in terms of 'before my bondmate'.
That revelation aside, I still didn't know what to do as I watched Spock settle into bed next to me. Thank God he took the decision out of my hands, or I might have stayed there all night frozen in my indecision.
He turned towards me and closed his eyes. Then he gently reached for me through the bond, and invited me into his mind. He wanted me to see the day's events through his eyes. I think he was hoping that he could help me get over my guilt that way.
We actually ended up helping each other. Yeah, I know. That's the way a relationship is supposed to work. I consider that night my first lesson.
As soon as i entered Spock's mind, I was bombarded by his emotions. He had been through hell and back that day, so the amount and intensity of them were considerable. I could see just by looking around that he didn't know how to handle them. They were too numerous and too intense for even a well-trained Vulcan to tame into logical order. But humans...we're so used to dealing with internal conflicts that I was starting to help him classify them even before I knew what I was doing. I could feel his relief the minute I picked up the slack.
Unfortunately for him, his problems made me feel even more guilty. But I pushed my feelings aside for a time so I could concentrate on his.
To help him identify them and put them in that mental box of his, I let all of his feelings flow into me. It was like feeling the waves at the edge of the shore. They rock you a bit, but you know by the time they get to you, most of the power behind them is gone.
The only thing impeding his feelings was that small shield I had placed in the bond to hide my arousal. And the shield was so small that the feelings just flowed around it.
So I let it there and focussed on helping Spock sort through his turmoil. Now I'm no psychiatrist, but I think I did a lot for him just by being there, just by holding his hand both mentally and physically (though I don't remember when I physically grabbed for his hand). I watched him as he examined each emotion, accepted it and put it in the box. The only one I didn't let him do that with was his joy. I wanted him to feel happy for a time, even if he could only express it when we were alone together.
After a couple hours of dealing with his reactions, we fell asleep curled around each other. I don't know how we ended up that way. In fact, I don't even remember coming out of the bond before drifting off. Is it possible to fall asleep during a meld?
I only knew we had reached for each other when I woke up the next morning and had to move away quickly before Spock woke up and misinterpreted my morning hard-on.
Ok, It wouldn't have been a misinterpretation. I did want him. But I figured he didn't want me, not physically at least.
And *my* misinterpretation was the one that nearly stopped the healing between us, the reconciliation we had barely started.
-
end part 9
