CLEANSING
I could sense the morning light and feel the heat. My sun was here, only it was more like a haze. Indirect sunlight but present nonetheless.
"Bella," Jacob chimed. "I think it's time for you to get out of bed."
"Ughhhh," I groaned at him. Much as I like Jacob, his bright and shiny…ouch! Shiny was not a word I was ever going to be able to use again.
"Jacob, I can't…. He's gone," there, I'd said it. I choked down another sob. Somehow saying it made it more real.
"Bella, I hate to be insensitive and all while you're so upset, but didn't he already leave?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"I might if you gave me a chance."
"No, he's gone. Forever! He's never coming back-ever!" I cried, spilling whatever remaining emotions forth from my soul.
"He's dead Jacob. He killed himself because of me," I shuddered, feeling the full weight of that statement.
"He's an idiot. He left you like a complete jerk. Then what, felt guilty? How exactly did the bloodsucker do it? They're fairly indestructible, except of course to werewolves."
"Jacob, please. I don't want to talk about it" Ever, I added silently.
"Sure, sure, but you seriously need to get up. You've barely crawled out of bed for two weeks. At some point you've gotta go back to school."
"Wait, two weeks?" I questioned. Had it been that long? It felt no longer than two days. And yet, it felt as though an eternity had passed. I shifted in the bed to sit up. It was then I realized that time had passed. I was stiff all over, and weak. It took more effort than it should have to make a simple adjustment in position. My thoughts again returned to Charlie. How had my recent behavior affected him?
"Yeah, seriously Bells—you need a bath. You look like hell."
"Well that's where I'm at," I shot back. That silenced him. His look reflected hurt, confusion, and a hint of anger. Not at me I supposed, at Edward. This was his fault according to Jacob.
"I'm sorry. It's just I hate seeing you like this. You seemed to finally be doing better and he goes and does something to ruin it."
I sighed but kept quiet. I didn't want to talk about it. I shifted my feet over the side of the bed. I would take a shower. My muscles were tight and the warm water might do some good, at least for my outsides. I carefully placed my feet on the floor and stood. Jacob was watching me carefully; his face calm but relieved that I was making an effort. A small smile played at the corners of his lips. What was I wearing? I glanced down and was satisfied to find my usual tank top and sweats. As I lifted my head, the room began spinning. I collapsed back onto the bed. Jacob was beside me instantly.
"Are you okay," he asked, concern now replacing his previous satisfaction.
"Yeah, just a little dizzy," I shut my eyes trying to force my sense of gravity to center me. I had been completely non-functioning the past few weeks. I'm not sure what brought about my current level of consciousness-pure and absolute physical exhaustion perhaps. At some point, my physical would drag my emotional-kicking and screaming-back into reality.
Jacob lightly touched my arm offering his help. I gazed up at him. He seemed even bigger.
"Thanks Jacob," I shrugged him off. I did not like the contact. Not because it was Jacob but because I just did not want to feel anything. "I think I can manage from here." And with that, I stood and shuffled across the floor. I pulled whatever was closest from the front of my closet. Jacob waited, sitting on my bed. His eyes were anxiously searching mine, looking intently for something. I glanced at the mirror, wondering what he did not see. My jaw nearly fell. I saw what he saw, or did not see rather. I realized bitterly that Jacob had been looking for me. There was no trace of me in my features. My normally pale skin was even paler now, sallow even. My cheeks were thin from the minimal amount of food I had eaten. My lips were chapped and dry; my hair a shaggy mess. My eyes were completely void—like a black hole; filmy windows to nowhere. There was no spark, no evidence that my eyes were even taking in the necessary light required to see. They were just empty; like me. I forced myself to look away—looked down—my own reflection scared me. The physical I knew only mildly resembled what I was on the inside. With one last look, Jacob rose and escorted himself out the door, apparently satisfied that I was officially moving and somewhat functional.
The shower was inviting. I hadn't realized how stale I felt until the water began washing it away. The heat and pulsing sensation seemed to get my blood pumping back through my body which had so recently lain dormant. Being in the shower gave me time to think. All the flowing blood must be reaching my head. It seemed to me that I had two options. Three if I counted my continued state of limbo but that seemed impossible now that I had strayed from it. That left option one: return to the land of the living. This seemed incomprehensible considering I still felt dead. This, however, was the option the Bella I knew myself to be would choose. I would not choose it for myself but for Charlie, for my mother in Florida, possibly even for Jacob. I would get up and carry on the charade. Walking, talking, feeling, but only surface deep. Option two was the one my present state welcomed. Return to the cliff and finish what I had unintentionally started. How ironic that it would come full circle. I remembered the salt water consuming me-the struggle to maintain my head above water. The pressure as my lungs lost their remaining air supply. And sweetest of all, the slow loss of consciousness-that was what I longed for most.
Then a realization came crashing back to me. Something else had been in the water with me. Something I had forgotten until now. I shuddered despite the heat from the shower. Victoria. What would be her plan now? There was no longer a way to avenge her mate; at least not fully. She could, probably would, still kill me, but it would be without the added benefit of leaving a grieving survivor. Part of me longed for Victoria to end my life; it would allow me the escape I wanted without hurting my remaining friends and family any more then necessary. They would be heartbroken even more if I played a part in my own death. Maybe I should just have Victoria take care of that part for me. My problem with that situation was Jacob. He would do anything in his power to keep me safe; to keep her away from me.
I knew I was being morbid. My only real option was to make an effort. Who knew, maybe I would move back in with my mother and rid myself of the haunting memories that lingered here. At least there had been no mythological creatures there. I turned off the shower and stepped out-unsure of how I was to carry on-but knowing for now, I was going to. I put on the jeans and t-shirt I had grabbed and brushed and dried my hair. At least I look better, I thought; that's good for everyone. With a deep breath, I opened the door and prepared to re-enter my world.
