HISTORY

As I descended the stairs, I overheard Jacob and Charlie talking. Their subject: me. I halted, waiting for better timing.

"I don't know Jacob. How can she come back from this?" Charlie's voice was sad.

"She's stronger then you give her credit for Charlie. She'll come around. She just needs to realize there's more out there."

There was nothing more. There never would be. Edward was my everything, the other half of me and he was gone. So was that half; the remaining part was just a shell; destroyed.

"Jake, you've been a good friend to her through a lot. I really appreciate it."

"Hey, what are friends for. Besides, I think that's exactly what she needs. Even if it is just a presence in a room or a shoulder to cry on," Jacob finished. With that, I officially added Jacob to my list of people I had to go on for. He treated me far better than I deserved. But I knew that he would always be there. He would do everything in his power to keep me safe and make me happy again; impossible as that was. It would devastate him if something happened to me.

They seemed to be finished. Charlie was never one to ramble mindlessly, especially when he was concerned. I continued the rest of the way down the stairs being sure to make some noise to alert them of my entrance. I rounded the corner into the kitchen. Both of them looked up in surprise. I should say something I thought, but the effort was lost to me.

"Hey Bells," it was so like Charlie to avoid any additional words that would make things worse. Those two words alone were enough to express his concern and relief. I silently thanked him for being him.

"Well, at least you smell better," Jacob added, smiling. It was the Jacob smile that I had loved once. Would I ever again? Charlie shot him a look but I hadn't minded. That was just Jacob. I noticed my purse and keys on the counter. I'm not sure where I thought I was going to go, but a drive seemed like a good idea. I grabbed them and Charlie stared at me.

"Are you going out," he asked confused.

"For a drive."

"Are you sure you're up for that," he asked again. Charlie-ever the chief of police.

"I just want to get some fresh air." There, that was reason enough. I could not say it would do me good; at this point, nothing would. It seemed to appease him.

"I'll go with you. If that's okay?" Jacob inquired.

I did not answer. I wasn't sure if I wanted company or not, so I left the decision to him if he wanted to follow me or not. As I walked out, I heard the chair shift and the door re-open and close behind me so I knew he had decided to come. As I stepped outside, I realized the day was sunny. That figures. The rain would have suited me better. Besides, now the sun's warm rays now contained everything I hated. They had aided in taking Edward away from me. There would be no Florida for me. I was stuck in Forks; at least until college. There where? Maybe an obscure school in a sparsely populated state with little sunlight—Alaska perhaps. The cold rain wouldn't be much better. It would remind me of him but at least then he would be alive.

I opened my door and climbed in as Jacob climbed in the passenger side. He stayed silent, rarely bothering to even look my direction. I guess it satisfied him that he could keep an eye on me. I knew he was worried. I started driving with no particular directions in mind. There was only one place I wanted to but it was useless. They weren't there and even if they were, he wasn't. Somehow I still ended up taking the roads that would lead there. Granted, it was one of the few roads I even knew. I don't know if Jacob realized exactly where we were. The road was not frequented much by people without a specific destination. I kept driving past the turn; even if I did go, it would have to be alone. I couldn't drag Jacob there.

I continued driving until I reached the end of the road. We continued in silence. True to form, Jacob seemed to know exactly what I needed. At the end of the road, I stopped and pulled off. Jacob waited silently. I was crying again. I didn't think I had much left; my usual was to get everything out and face up. But this was different. I had never lost anybody close to me before. I wondered how long this could go on. He did not even want me? How could he do this? I was so confused; why had he done what he did if I didn't matter? How did it lead to this?

I knew it hurt Jacob to see me hurting. I knew it made him angry-what Edward had done. I leaned into him; not for my reassurance, there would be none, but for his. I was glad for the moment that I wasn't alone in the truck cab. His presence filled it more than enough to replace the empty space where I was. He put his powerful arm around my shoulders and said nothing. There was nothing to be said. I closed my eyes, heavy now. I feared what dreams I might encounter. They were always the same now-Edward with his fearsome, scarlet eyes bright with hunger and eagerness. Knowing what frightening dreams lay ahead, I succumbed and slipped into unconsciousness.

When I awoke, still trembling from my dream I realized that I wasn't yet home. I was now in the passenger seat but Jacob was not in the truck. I shook my head trying to dislodge the remainder of my dream and orient myself to my location. Where had we stopped? I looked out my window noticing the rocks and glanced to the front window where Jacob was half sitting, half leaning on the hood of the truck. He appeared to be deep in thought. Looking past him, I realized that we were at the ocean. In fact, this was the very spot I had attempted my fateful jump. Why did he bring me here, of all the places? Much as I hated it, this place was my destiny. It held the juxtaposition of my past, present and future. I refocused on Jacob's back again. What was he thinking? Did he think it would help for me to be here? His guess was as good as mine for what might help. I considered getting out of the truck and going to him-could imagine the warm smile he would give me-the option of a hug or light-hearted comment. My sunshine would shine its rays; all I would have to do was open up and accept them. But like the actual sun, I didn't want to embrace it. I wanted to fight it off, to throw the covers over my head and be rid of its horrendous existence.

If I allowed myself to think, I tried to imagine my life if I had never met Edward. Perhaps I'd become best friends with Angela; joined a committee or two or worked on the newspaper. I could see myself with Jacob in that very different life. I could see what we could have been. He would never leave. He would never have to sacrifice part of his own nature for me; nor would I him. He would bring everything he had to offer and more. He would offer himself, wholly and completely. I would be a very different me. Perhaps alittle more carefree, less concerned with the problems of the world. Giving in to my less controlled side on occasion. He offered a perspective on the world without consequences; without the weight of it bearing down. If things got too much, he'd help me find my way through but always with a smile and a reminder that things would always look up again. Yes, I could have loved him in that world. It would have been a different kind of love-the kind that slips up on you without notice. Where you catch yourself explaining your relationship to a friend and find yourself blushing and smiling without due cause. They constantly invade your thoughts but only in brief passing moments. A picture or song may remind you of them but it's fleeting, non-intrusive. Just a quiet, permanent residence. It is the kind of love that endures because it will never burn out, but instead quietly simmers for all eternity.

I would live, I concluded. That much was decided. But I would never love another; not even Jacob. Not now. I had given Edward my heart and he left it behind, shattered and then took it to his grave. It would now be his forever.

I'm not sure how long we sat there-the two of us-not even hardly aware of each others presence. But eventually, the setting sun drew both of us back to our awareness of just how much time had passed. Jacob hopped down off the truck and strode back to the driver's side door.

"Oh, hey, sorry. I didn't realize you woke up yet. You were having a pretty crazy dream and I wanted to give you you're space," Jacob smiled warmly.

"That's okay. It's nice to be out of the house," I forced a smile at Jacob. It still seemed natural to be with him. Easy somehow, like he had no pretenses; didn't care to.

"I'm sure Charlie's going to be worried. I guess I should get you home. Besides, you have school tomorrow. You're going right?"

Ugh, I dreaded the idea. I did not think that my life would ever return to that level of normalcy again. But there really was no choice. If I wanted the option to leave Forks, I was going to have to graduate high school. I expected I was due for another zombie phase; it was the only way I could imagine myself surviving the rest of the semester.

"I guess I really don't have much choice," I sighed.

"Bella, you know I'm here if you ever need anything, and I mean anything."

"I know Jake. I know," my voice a whisper. I did not deserve a friend like him. He cared too much, was too invested. I had nothing to offer him in return except an empty shell. He seemed content with that; like he'd wait it out, patient and understanding.
Charlie did not say much when I walked through the door. I really didn't expect him to, there had already been enough said between us. He would not push the topic unless I was ready. I wished him good night and mentioned that I would be going to school tomorrow. That's good, was all he'd said.

As I trudged up the stairs I considered how the remainder of the semester would go; really, it was the end of my high school career. Of course, I'd first have to survive make-up work. I'd never really been one to get worked up about these things. It was, bottom line, the end of school and I never understood how people could be upset about that. Sure, you would have to leave behind some people, but I always figured if they were worth keeping around in the first place, you would find a way to do so. To be honest, this was a year I'd be glad to forget; to leave behind like it never existed. I wish it were that easy. But all that meant I would have to leave Charlie behind, and Jacob, and that made me sad. I wasn't entirely sure I could stay gone forever. Unless Charlie would come to visit me, at some point, I knew I would be back.

Forks. It was such an inconsequential little town and yet, it had altered me so completely. I was not the same person I was when I came to Forks. I hadn't really thought much about what my life was like before coming here. Once here, once I met Edward, everything I was, everything I had been was transformed. Who I was was gone. I lived only here and now. I dreamed only of tomorrow, of eternity. My life in Phoenix seems like somebody else's life. I had been so different.

When Renee had moved us to Phoenix, I was still a very young. I made friends with a few kids in the same neighborhood. Many of us ended up in different schools or moved away but three of us remained, at least relatively, close. I was the most shy. I wasn't involved in any clubs or sports; definitely not sports. When I was little, I danced. Ironic how hard Edward had tried to get me to dance and yet as a kid that was all I wanted to do. I stopped when I turned 12. I didn't date anybody. I guess I was just that invisible. I didn't necessarily try to be, I just didn't go out of my way not to be. Of my friends, I was the odd man out. I had no hobbies or extracurricular activities. Most of my after school time was spent with homework and keeping Renee organized. What we really had in common I do not know but we managed to stay friends. We'd eat lunch together if it was convenient. Occasionally, we'd take the typical girl day and go shopping at the local mall. We had a comfortable friendship. We had known each other so long that we didn't have to try; we just were. They were sad when I left. We had promised each other that we would keep in touch. I didn't know what to expect. I was not entirely thrilled with coming here, so I supposed at the time that holding onto my attachments in Phoenix was not a bad idea. After all, these girls accepted me; kept me from being the total outcast. With them as friends, I was the girl no one really understood, who always seemed slightly out of place and horribly clumsy, but was cool enough to have popular friends. Nobody really made an effort either way, and I didn't care. I was content to be obscure; lost in the shuffle. Not making any waves.

At that point in my life, Renee was making more than enough waves for the both of us. She'd always considered me-as I considered myself-more of the adult in our relationship. She was always off plotting some new hair-brained scheme. It didn't matter that she didn't have a plan, or transportation, or even any money sometimes. When she thought of something she went after it; many times failing miserably and then feeling guilty. I guess that is where I get that from. When things get messed up, I blame myself. The one difference between me and Renee, I try not to make a mess; however, that often leaves me feeling even more guilty, like I've made two mistakes. I was cautious because Renee wasn't. I learned to cook because Renee couldn't. I cleaned because Renee wouldn't. It's not that she was a bad mother, not at all. She would do everything she could to keep me safe, there was never a day I would go hungry and she'd always keep things clean enough, albeit completely unorganized. No, Renee wasn't a bad mom. She just had poor planning skills. Left to her, we'd eat out everyday. I knew Renee loved me and wanted the best, but sometimes the best wasn't skipping school to goof off or ordering mass amounts of beauty products only to throw them out because they dried out. Renee was great but somebody had to make sure that bills got paid on time and unnecessary or unused items got returned whenever possible.

I am not exactly sure where she met Phil. I think it was a friend of friend who introduced them. I knew instantly I liked him. He was down to earth, if a bit immature. At his age, he was still struggling to maintain his position in the minor leagues. A boyish dream, but he was more grounded then Renee. He was also the protector type which was exactly what Renee needed. They got married spur of the moment, like everything Renee did. They had only briefly considered ahead of time how I factored in. I surmised based on their explanation, that they viewed me mature for my age and almost a legal adult. I don't think I factored much into their future plans. I suspect they figured I'd be off to college soon and it wouldn't matter anyway. At that time, Phil was contracted in Phoenix but shortly thereafter, he was required to travel more. Neither my mother, nor Phil would have the heart to ask it but they needed their space. So when it came up, I suggested moving in with Charlie. I was almost done with school and really wanted to finish in a stable environment. It was hard enough to start at a new school once I moved to Forks, I shuddered to think what it would have been like to start over several times.

So it was concluded that I would move. I was not thrilled about it at all, but hoped to try and make the best of a mostly unpleasant situation. How foolish I had been. I guess I never suspected that moving to Forks would have such a dramatic impact on my life. When I made the decision to move, I calculated that I would have to endure two years before escaping the cold, damp climate. I originally planned on returning to Arizona to attend college; to return to the sun, the heat. Things I would now hate forever.

As I started to prepare things to go back to school, I noticed that there were reports and assignments completed for things I had not done. I looked more carefully and realized that even the information was new material. I flipped through and estimated a couple of weeks worth of work. Somebody had done my make-up work for me. But who I wondered? It could not be Jacob, I was older and a grade above him. Charlie would never do such a thing. That left somebody else from school but I couldn't imagine any of them doing that. A thought then occurred to me; could it have been Alice? I remembered she had been here for a while. Why would she do my work for me? More importantly, why was it all up to date, hadn't they left town? I knew at some point I would have to find out for myself, but for now, I had to finish getting things together; grateful to the unknown completer of dreaded make-up work.