WEDNESDAY (the day before)
I hate it.
I Hate It.
I HATE IT.
"I FUCKING HATE IT."
And then I feel a bit less like I want to kill someone, and a little bit more like I'm on a stage. "...tell me I didn't just... say that out loud?"
Stan looks up at me with those indifferent eyes that scream out a story of a teen who hadn't slept so he could bullshit up an essay and then had to spend his lunch period listening to his best friend scream out a story of how much he hates everything this month. You know- the 'please don't start with me, Kyle' look. Cartman isn't much of a help, he folds his legs and turns his head to me quietly, interested in what could make me so miserable and how he could incorporate that into his routine. Kenny at least looks shocked, like he does every time I do this, like 'how could Kyle possibly hate anything? He's Kyle!'
Well, I'm fully capable of hating things. I hate everything about them and their reactions. Its all so expected by now, which is sad in more than one way. Stan stopped caring for anyone but himself after he entered the double-digits. Cartman hasn't changed, but that doesn't mean in the least that I know what to expect every day when I open a locker or round a corner. Kenny, oblivious that people don't just shrug everything off and find something else to do, had always been surprised when anyone fought over anything unrelated to material possessions (in which he also grouped his women).
"Look, Kyle... You should talk to a counselor dude. I mean seriously, this happens like, every three months. If you're gonna keep me awake when you know I spent all night on that bitch Mrs. Hanson's essay, then you obviously are in need of some sort of help."
I glared over at my 'super best friend' Stan. I was prepared to let my slip up (referred to as such because I try hard to contain my emotions) just fade away, but that jibe hurt. Stan probably didn't even realize it was a jibe, which added an edge to the blade. I don't need some prick counselor digging through my life and telling me that all teenagers go through phases and I'm acting out because of some sort of problems from school or home. And that wasn't the only reason I was becoming all the more angry with Stan.
Everything with Stan is about Stan. He's overly self-centered. He will whine about all his problems and then I'll be counted on to know what to do and say. Before anything else I'm expected to solve his teacher problems or girlfriend issues; saying encouraging things and doing the work of contacting Red to ask Bebe to ask Wendy why she broke up with Stan this time. I'm the one everyone goes to when they bitch about everything, and I'm practically the mother of half the male student body. Maybe I wouldn't mind if I were ever treated the same way, but if anything happens that I feel like complaining about, people- Stan- leave good enough be.
If you went through my inbox you'd see a pattern. All the texts between Stan and I are about Stan, homework Stan needed to borrow, people that pissed Stan off, or things I was supposed to make sure to tell Wendy about to excuse Stan's absence, most of the time to hang out with and bitch to me.
I guess I changed too. When I
was younger, I snapped all the time. I was sensitive when anyone that
insulted me or my religion, and my mother got rid of that particular
personality blemish in therapy. I had a common South Park counselor,
as to say, I wasn't much cured on the inside, but now knew how to
act. Now, I'm not one to ever EVER care about these kind of things
when I'm in a normal mood, but I feel entitled to a few "Kyle is
human too" moments where I think about myself before trying to fix
everyone else's problems.
Ultimately, I know I'm doing too much and I want to care for myself too, but in my mind- I feel this need to put on a smile and help everyone else first. Others should come before me, right? I don't allow myself to realize that I'm not taking care of myself as good as I am other people or else I become distressed and ...depressed, so I try and continue caring about everyone else. When I care about others for too long and basically get stepped on every day, I get this feeling like "what's the point?" but then afterwards I feel selfish for not truthfully caring about others. Though by now I'm thoroughly depressed, I still act like I'm the same Kyle and continue to get stepped on, thinking everything will blow over. When it doesn't I get into a bad mood which lowers my self-worth and is how the snapping at people thing starts. However- I never usually end up sorry for my actions when I snap even after my anger leaves, because its usually the one time I feel ...human. And then I still feel selfish for wanting to act out which is what gets me to realize I'm doing too much for others and should tone it down but I don't because by then, the cycle has continued while I try and convince myself I'm just being stupid and of course everything is fine. I used to be better at genuinely feeling for others but at the moment I'm stuck between anger and "what's the point?", mainly I think because everyone else's problems seem to have doubled all at once.
I freaked.
Because I hate all of it.
I hate the need to make everyone else happy before my own needs.
I hate the way I'm not
appreciated.
I hate the way I pretend I am.
I hate ...predictability.
I hate...
Stan?
I do.
I hate Stan.
I hate him.
"Stan," I say. Before continuing I push my tray away from me and inhale deeply. "I hate you."
And that came as a shock to everyone.
The super best friends are fighting? Kyle isn't his happy-go-lucky self? Or what Stan thought- 'Kyle usually hates 'it', now he hates a person? Me?'
And so we fought.
So I fought.
I called him every name in the book and between curses threw in some words of what I was upset about, which is really all I can do when angered. And Stan sat there. He took all of it in, and at the end- said simply, "I think it's time you made some new friends Kyle; You aren't the same person you used to be."
So what do you do?
I just kind of...
Accepted it.
FRIDAY (the day after Kenny left)
Oh god I'm such an idiot.
I totally screwed everything over.
But yet, I don't care. I took action and I'm proud of myself.
So here I find myself- sitting in honors history, not really listening to Dr. Misha because I'm a bit preoccupied wondering if theres anyone left in school who'd be fine letting me hang out with them.
Craig, Token, Clyde and Tweek are assholes. Well, Craig and Token are. Clyde would go with them and theres no way in hell Tweek would let me in without consent.
I can't hang out with any of the girls, that'd be almost as gay as hanging around Butters, Thomas or Bradley.
No way in hell I'm being a goth.
I have nothing against cripples, but Timmy isn't much company and Jimmy's mom has a real strict after-hours policy, so we wouldn't have much hanging out time...
That leaves the loners.
Pip is the school punching bag. I don't want to slide into that path.
But... who else is there?
Oh, Damien. Damien is just no.
Christophe? Hasn't he like, killed people?
So... I didn't learn much in history today. I guess my plan of action will to just let news spread and wait. Maybe someone will 'adopt' me. I really should start over. I shouldn't be known as the pushover- I should just...
Lets just wait it out.
