EPOV
"You don't need to feel embarrassed, Bella," I said as Bella shut the bedroom door behind us. Her discomfiture at asking me to take her to bed was unbelievably adorable.
"Sorry," she said, blushing again.
"Why are you sorry?" I asked as I hung up my suit jacket in the closet and took off my shoes. "I'm the one who invaded your bed first. I should be the one apologizing for compromising you reputation."
"Compromising my reputation," Bella said with a snort, climbing into the massive bed.
I tucked the covers around her and lay down beside her. "You know back in my day if a young lady did not have her reputation, she didn't have much."
"Yeah, back in your day," Bella said, rolling her eyes.
I tensed. I hated bringing up the fact that I was old enough to be her great-grandfather, or even her great-great-grandfather. If the danger of being with a vampire didn't scare her away the fact that she was dating a centenarian just might.
"Honestly, Edward," Bella continued, "my reputation is fine."
"Then why were you so embarrassed?"
"I guess I was just thinking about what Charlie would say or do if he knew that you stayed with me at night. It's hard for me to think that your parents are perfectly okay with this."
"Well, they already knew that I'm over at your place every night. You know we can't keep secrets from each other very easily, even if Alice, Jasper and I are trying to give everyone the utmost privacy. Carlisle and Esme didn't know that I lie in bed with you though. They thought I just watched over you."
"Oh. So they're okay with this?"
I shifted uncomfortably. "Esme is more than okay with this. Just now she was thinking how wonderful it was that you keep me company even when you sleep. She has always worried about the fact that I'm alone at night." I edited Esme's thoughts quite a bit. Bella didn't need any encouragement to engage in "heavy necking." Somehow I needed to tell Esme that humans no longer used that term while also telling her not to think of me that way ever again. She was practically my mother after all.
"I see." Bella paused a long moment. "And Carlisle?"
I sighed. Somehow Bella had already realized how important Carlisle's approval was, especially to me, but I didn't know how exactly to answer her question. "He's concerned," I started slowly. "He's worried about my control, that I push myself too much with you. He was also concerned that I was lying with you against your will. You are okay with this, Bella?"
"Of course," she murmured, rolling over and tucking her head under my shoulder.
I gently put my arm around her and allowed myself a soft purr of contentment. Holding Bella was wonderful.
"Edward," Bella asked after a few minutes, "what happened tonight at the symphony?"
I closed my eyes. I didn't want to rehash this with Bella. "It just brought back a lot of memories, Bella," I said, repeating my words from earlier.
"What memories?" Bella insisted, raising her head to look at me.
I groaned as I looked in her eyes. How could I explain to this beautiful and innocent creature the depths of my despair and anger? My murderous thoughts and rage? My actions which hurt the ones I loved most?
"In 1928," I began cautiously, "Carlisle and Esme took me to another concert for my birthday, in Duluth, Minnesota."
"Did they bring along a pretty girl for you that year too?" Bella asked with a giggle.
"Stop it," I growled, tapping her nose gently with my finger.
"Why? I think I have a right to know these things," Bella teased.
"There was a pretty girl there. Her name was Clara, she worked at the library in Ashland. She had a crush on me, it was quite annoying. But her presence was entirely unexpected, and very unwelcome. She also smelled very good, but not nearly as good as you, of course."
Bella laughed. "Of course. You didn't eat her then?"
"No," I said tersely. Ashamedly, I had been tempted to do exactly that.
"What happened?" Bella asked curiously.
"We went there to hear Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. It is one of my favorite pieces," I began.
"Really?" Bella interrupted, pulling back with a frown.
"That surprises you?"
"It's so...bombastic, and popular. And it doesn't have a piano part at all."
"Back then the orchestra usually played the piece without the canon shots at the end. Violinists make poor French soldiers, and it was actually impossible to safely fire canons at the rate Tchaikovsky wanted until quite recently. And ironically, the piece did not become an American anthem until well into the Cold War period."
I nervously waited as Bella absorbed my history lesson and was relieved to see her smile. "But why do you like it so much?" she asked.
I fidgeted with her hair. "It was the first concert I went to. My father sat me on his lap so I could see the orchestra better."
Bella sat up suddenly. Confused, I sat up next to her. "What's wrong Bella?"
"This was when you were a child?" Bella asked. She looked incredulous.
"Yes, Bella. I was a child once, too."
Bella shook her head. "You never talk much about your childhood memories."
"I don't have many," I said cautiously. What little my developing brain had managed to hold onto as I entered adulthood was further erased by my transformation. If Bella wanted me to recount more childhood memories she would be very disappointed.
"I know," Bella said gently, taking my hand. "But the image of you sitting on your dad's lap at your first concert, I..." Bella trailed off and I could see that her eyes were wet.
I gave her hand a soft squeeze. I wondered what image Bella's mind had produced. A smaller version of myself in old-fashioned clothes, sitting on the lap of a faceless man?
"How old were you?" Bella whispered.
"Eight." I wasn't initially certain, but with the recent information explosion due to the internet I had been able to quickly track down the fact that the Chicago Symphony Orchestra had played that engagement in September 1908.
"Eight? Isn't that kind of young to go to the symphony?"
"Well..." I began.
"Wait," Bella interrupted, her eyes narrowing, "don't tell me. You were a child prodigy, weren't you?"
I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I was writing full symphonies at the age of four, just like Mozart. No, Bella, I wasn't interested in music until after that night. I was so fascinated by everything I had heard that I bothered my mother endlessly until she signed me up for piano lessons. And, for the record, I was a very well-behaved child."
"I'm sure you were," Bella huffed, pushing my chest so that she could lie down on my shoulder again.
"So I have your father to thank for your ability to play music? And the fact that you could compose my lullaby?" Bella asked as I arranged the covers around her again.
"Yes, I suppose you do." I wondered what my father would say about that.
"I see. And what does this have to do with the piece they played tonight?"
"The pianist gave an impromptu performance of Schubert's Impromptu that night as well. Pianists must have a strange sense of humor by nature," I said with a wry smile.
"So listening to it tonight made you think about that night, which made you think about your dad taking you to the symphony when you were little?" Bella asked.
I hesitated. If only it was that simple. "No, not exactly," I told her softly.
Bella raised her head. "Then, what?"
I frowned and traced the side of her jaw with my finger. "That night, in Duluth, that was the night I first thought about leaving Carlisle. That was the night I realized that I would begin to hunt humans."
Bella stared at me for a long moment. I had told Bella about my rebellion before, but would she be so accepting again?
"What happened?" Bella whispered.
"Nothing really," I said with a sigh. All the drama of that night seemed almost tame in comparison with everything that happened before and after it. "You have to understand Bella, I was plagued by thirst. I told you that animal blood doesn't fully satiate our thirst and I was becoming more and more frustrated by that fact. I wanted relief, and I was desperate to find it. That night at the symphony I heard a man in the audience plotting how to lure his next victim, a female he could torture and kill, and my plan was born. I would take care of my thirst and save this future girl from her terrible fate."
Bella's face was blank. I terribly wanted to know what she was thinking about, what she thought of me. "I see," she said finally.
Did she really? "Bella," I said softly, bracing myself as I revealed to her the darkness that was in me, "it was really just an excuse. I was already too far gone. If I did not come up with that plan I would have started killing the first convenient victim I could find, even Clara."
"But you didn't," Bella murmured.
Did that matter? "No, but I was about to. I got into a terrible argument with Carlisle that night about it. I resented him. He was the one who changed me and then made me live this cursed life in a way which caused my throat to be in constant pain. He saved lives at the hospital, why couldn't I save lives as well with my gift?"
"Is that when you left?"
"No, I went out to the forest by myself for three days. I hunted some deer, but they weren't what I wanted. I wrestled with myself and my plan. Somewhere inside me I knew Carlisle was right, and I was wrong, and I didn't want to leave Carlisle and Esme. Especially Esme, she was still so fragile then."
"What did you do?" Bella now had both of her forearms on my chest, looking down at me anxiously.
"I went home. I had to explain myself and for some reason I still desired Carlisle's blessing. But Carlisle was late coming home from work that night. Turns out, that monster in Duluth had attacked Clara and if it wasn't for Carlisle's skill she would have died."
I heard Bella gasp and I shook my head. "I didn't care for Clara at all, but I, my skill, could have prevented her from being hurt in the first place. I suppose a part of me felt responsible for what happened, but the monster in me was enraged. I was still thirsty while that man attacked Clara. If I had assuaged the monster..." I trailed off.
"That's when you left," Bella said softly.
"Yes. I yelled a lot and I threw some furniture at Carlisle before I ran out the door. I wasn't lying before when I told you that my rebellion was quite adolescent."
"What did you do then?"
I tensed. Surely Bella realized what I did then, did she really want me to recount it to her?
"Did you go after the man who attacked Clara?" she pressed.
I looked to the side in shame. "Yes, yes I did."
I took a breath and looked Bella in the eyes. She deserved my honesty, if nothing else. "I tracked the man down as he was trying to leave town and drank his blood. I left his body close to the road so the police would find it, so that Carlisle would know what I did."
I saw Bella's eye widen and heard her swallow. Her mouth opened, as if she wanted to say something, but no words came out.
"Bella," I murmured, raising my hand to caress the side of her face with my fingers, "I'm a monster."
"No," she breathed.
I put my finger on her lips. "No Bella, I am. Who I was that day, the man who did that, is still here, inside me. I reject his lies, his thirst, his wrath, but he's still there. Sometimes, like the time I saved you in Port Angeles, he screams at me, begging me to listen to him."
"But you didn't. You didn't kill those guys in Port Angeles, did you?"
"No, of course not. I couldn't very well kill them with you standing right there. But that's not the point."
"No, it is the point. Look, sometimes I feel like taking Renee by the shoulders and shaking her until she finds her common-sense, but I don't. You don't judge me just because I think that way sometimes."
I frowned. "Bella, I can't believe you just compared the urge to commit murder to simple familial irritation."
"Okay, so maybe it's not the best analogy, but do you see my point?"
"I suppose," I conceded with a sigh, "but that doesn't change what I've done."
"No, it doesn't. But it does change what you do in the future, yes?"
"Yes." That was a promise I was determined to keep. Hopefully my sheer determination would be enough to make Alice's first vision disappear.
"So if some bored frat boys try to corner me again you won't think about killing them?"
"They weren't just bored frat boys, Bella," I growled.
"They weren't?"
Maybe that was why Bella didn't go into shock that night, she had no idea just how much danger she had been in. "Some of them were bored and didn't know what was going on. But the leader," I shook my head, "he was exactly the kind of monster I would have hunted."
"Really?" Bella asked with wide eyes.
"Bella," I murmured as I ran my hand down her hair, "he had raped and killed women before."
"Oh," Bella said, then she shivered.
"What's wrong?"
"I didn't realize...I mean, you didn't kill him and now...he's still out there and..."
"Shhh, Bella. No, I didn't kill him, but I couldn't just let him go. After you were asleep I took Carlisle back to Port Angeles and had Carlisle take care of him."
Bella gasped. "Carlisle took care of him? How?"
I laughed. "In a way only Carlisle could. The monster was found sleeping outside the police station in Portland the next morning."
"Huh. You two are like Batman and Robin."
I rolled my eyes. "I told you before Bella, I'm not the superhero." The only hero in this story was Carlisle, and I most definitely did not want to picture him in black leather and a cape.
"Well, you are to me," Bella insisted.
"No, Bella."
Bella put a finger on my chin. "You didn't kill him, you brought him to justice. That makes you my superhero."
I sighed and ran my fingers down the side of her face. Maybe Carlisle was right, maybe she was good for me.
Bella relaxed and smiled. "Now, may I kiss my superhero?"
I nodded, wishing once again that I had never sullied my mouth by using it to drink the blood of monsters. I wished it could be as pure and sweet as Bella's; I hoped my lips would not defile hers.
Bella lowered her head and tentatively touched her lips to mine. Her taste was, once again, fantastic. My hand went around to the back of her head, holding her to me gently as I got lost in the blissful feeling of Bella showing her love for me. It was so much more than I deserved.
Bella's hands came up to hold my jaw as she tried to deepen the kiss, trying to get closer, so deliciously closer. I put my hand on her shoulder and pushed her back gently. "Bella," I gasped.
"I'm sorry," Bella groaned.
"Just lay down, please. You should sleep," I suggested.
Bella nodded and lay down again and I breathed a sigh of relief. I needed some space to regain control.
"Edward?" Bella asked. "What did your parents think when they walked in on us after intermission?"
"Why do you want to know, Bella?" I was sorry for embarrassing her, but the need to shower her with kisses had become simply unbearable.
"They looked, well, shocked. Like they thought you had decided to carry out Billy's plan after all."
"That's not it exactly. They were more surprised that I was able to kiss you like that. They thought that we hadn't done much beyond holding hands and short kisses."
"Wow, we sure proved them wrong tonight, didn't we?" Bella said, grinning.
"Yes. We once again made Esme very happy."
Bella rolled her eyes. "I bet she was."
"I'm sorry if Esme is being rather overeager. She's so happy that you're here and she wants to make you feel welcome."
"No, it's fine. Esme is very sweet." Bella paused. "And Carlisle? Was he happy too?"
I stared up at the ceiling. I couldn't exactly tell Bella that Carlisle was concerned that she was going to irreparably break my heart and turn me into a lonely, depressed and bitter vampire for all eternity.
"He's concerned," I said instead. "About my control, and about our future."
"Oh. Well, I can agree with him about the last part."
"Bella," I warned. I was not going to have this conversation with her again.
"I'm just saying," Bella muttered.
"I know." Believe me, I know. "But I think you should go to sleep. We're planning on going to the art museum tomorrow morning before we head back to Forks. Is that okay?"
"I'd love to go to the art museum."
"Good. Get some rest."
"Wait, one more thing," Bella said.
"Yes?"
Bella hesitated. "Does Carlisle like me?" she finally asked in a low voice.
I blinked. I didn't expect that question from her. "Bella, why would you ask such a thing?"
"Well, you said Carlisle was worried. And, I mean, you were his first family, and now I come along and mix everything up and now everything is so complicated because I'm human and..."
"Bella," I cut off her ramblings, "yes, Carlisle likes you. He thinks you're a great person. He just doesn't want to see either of us get hurt."
"And he thinks us being together will hurt us?" Bella asked doubtfully.
Actually, he's worried that you will hurt me. "Bella, I could still so easily kill you," I said instead. At least I had my priorities in order.
"And that would hurt you?" Bella asked.
I squeezed my eyes shut. Why was it that every time I confessed to being her potential murderer she was always concerned about what that would do to me?
"Yes, it would hurt me," I explained flatly.
"Oh."
I sighed. "Go to sleep, Bella."
"Okay," Bella agreed, shifting her warm soft body around until she was comfortable.
"Do you want your lullaby tonight?" I asked.
"Hmm, maybe something from Petroushka again. I miss that poor little puppet already."
I laughed softly and started humming a bit of the main theme of the concerto. Bella's breathing slowed and she soon fell asleep.
Carlisle and Esme had already changed clothes and gone out for their walk, so with Bella asleep my mind was quiet except for the gentle hum of the thoughts of the other humans in this hotel.
It had been a lovely evening, I mused, all things considering. I had so enjoyed sharing the symphony with Bella, watching her eyes light up as I explained the music to her, the way she rested her head on my shoulder as she simply listened to the music. Yet Schubert had to once again intrude and remind me of my darkness.
I understood Carlisle's concerns, but I didn't know how to resolve them. Bella would be better off without me, but I couldn't imagine leaving her, moving on and someday loving someone else. Carlisle was right, I was already mated to her. I knew that from the moment my mind had started making contingency plans if I was not able to save Bella in Phoenix, not that I could ever tell Carlisle that.
Bella's desire for the alternative was so tempting. I would do anything to have Bella at my side forever, anything but kill her. Bella's offer was monumental, but I was sure she had little idea what she was asking for. She had only really seen my family and me, the epitome of self-control and human interaction. If I relented, and made her a vampire, she would know first-hand the pain and suffering living our way entailed. When her thirst burned endlessly and she had to wrestle with murderous demons every time she did something simple like walk down the street, would she grow to hate me like I grew to hate Carlisle? Would she scream at me, throw a mirror at my head, and run away to devolve into a damnable monster?
I tightened my arms around the living angel sleeping in them and swore to myself that I would never lead Bella down a path of ruin.
A/N: The details of Edward's rebellion, and his first human victim, are lifted from A Coming of Age chapters 14-21 by EliseShaw. If you haven't read it yet you really should. You can find a link to it on my profile page.
