This is the penultimate chapter, and at this point I can only hope that all the build-up to this chapter has been worth it. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, for a newbie author like me reviews are ever so helpful and appreciated. But thanks also go to all you readers. The large number of hits for this story makes me feel shocked and pleased all at the same time. I enjoyed writing this little novella, and I hope all of you enjoyed reading it just as much.
Now on with the story...
CPOV
I looked again in the rearview mirror and saw the scene which had begun as soon as we started driving back to Forks, only interrupted once when we boarded the ferry. Edward and Bella were laying together in the backseat with Bella's head lying on Edward's chest. Her breaths and heart rate indicated that she was somnolent. If I didn't know better I would think Edward was asleep as well, his eyes were closed and he seemed to be perfectly relaxed, breathing at the same rate as Bella.
I considered never having to sleep to be a mixed blessing. It made me much more productive to be able to use all twenty-four hours in a day, and I appreciated the fact that I would never feel drowsy when performing a lengthy surgery. But I thought that sometimes it would be nice to rest and let my mind and body briefly shut down. To experience the sensation second-hand would be almost as good. I looked at them in the mirror again. This is why Edward laid with her at night.
Interestingly, Edward made no response to my epiphany, perhaps he really was asleep. I then saw Edward's lips pull up in a small smirk and I realized he was likely laughing at me.
I looked over at Esme, who was contentedly reading her new book on American Renaissance furniture she had picked up at the museum bookstore. Her window was partly rolled down and I didn't need to be Edward to know that Esme was relieved that Bella had readily agreed to her request that she open a window, apparently without any thought about her reason. While it gave Esme some fresh air I worried that the draft was making things even more uncomfortable for Edward.
"I'm fine," Edward said softly from behind me.
I gave a small nod in response. Edward had always been meticulous, purposeful about every action. If he had mentally decided that he would not hurt Bella, no matter how much pain she caused him, I would have to trust the strength of his will.
I heard Edward give an exasperated sigh. I know I worry about you a lot, but what you have done, I shook my head as my mind went to that ballet studio in Phoenix. It had been so difficult to watch Edward deliberately and proficiently sink his teeth into Bella's wrist, his body shuddering in ecstasy even as he struggled to let go. I'm proud of you.
Edward made no answer, but I saw his hand come up to play with the ends of Bella's hair.
When I slowed down upon entering the town of Forks Bella sat up and looked around.
"We'll have you home in a few minutes, Bella," I told her.
"Alright. Thank you for this weekend. I had a lot of fun," Bella said.
Esme turned and smiled at Bella. "You're welcome. We're glad you were there."
I nodded my agreement as I smelled the tinge of Bella's blush. I had learned a lot about Bella this weekend and it gave me a lot to think about.
"Are you going to come in?" Bella asked Edward.
"You should spend some time with Charlie and have dinner," Edward said.
"But you'll be back tonight, yes?" Bella asked.
"Of course," Edward reassured her. I heard Edward give her a gentle kiss. I looked in the mirror and saw Bella's small hands clinging onto Edward's shoulders, almost as if protesting their impending separation.
I pulled into the driveway slowly and Bella gave a sigh. "Billy's not in there, is he?"
"No. But I expect that he'll be calling later to check up on you," Edward said.
"Great," Bella said with a huff. "Well, bye for now, and thanks again."
Esme and I said farewell and I pushed the button to open the trunk as Edward helped Bella out of the car. Esme's hand came over to squeeze mine as we watched Edward escort Bella to her door and kiss her cheek before giving his farewell to Charlie.
"Charlie's going to give Billy some choice words tonight when he calls," Edward said happily as he got back in the car.
"Billy Black is right to be concerned, Edward," I reproached, pulling out of the driveway.
"We haven't done anything wrong," Edward insisted. "We honor the treaty and stay off their land, even though none of those malodorous canines are around to notice."
"Technically, we skirted close to breaking the treaty in Phoenix."
"I wasn't the one who bit her, Carlisle."
"No, but," you did taste her blood.
"Yes, and I kept her human. Was that not the spirit of the treaty, that we keep humans alive? I did that, though it was hardly easy. They on the other hand," Edward said dismissively, "can't keep a simple secret from any pretty girl who comes around."
"It doesn't matter. Vampires belong in the stories of myths and legends. That we entered the Quileute tales is an anomaly which will likewise be disregarded."
"Right. So when will you let Emmett hunt the humongous bear which has been sighted over on Quileute land?"
"We'll stay off their land," I ordered. "Wolves or no wolves I want to honor the treaty the best we can. I don't want to give the Quileutes reason to become angry with us prematurely."
"Prematurely?" Edward asked.
I shook my head and concentrated on the road. The future was a malleable thing, and yet...
"Carlisle," Edward spat out angrily, "what do you mean, 'prematurely'? I am not going to bite Bella."
I gritted my teeth. "Alice still sees only two ways for Bella. Either way breaks the treaty."
"Alice will be wrong," Edward growled. "I'm not going to bite Bella, whether to kill her or change her."
"Edward, Alice's vision of Bella as a vampire is one of the clearest visions she's had. It hasn't changed, even after Phoenix. If you aren't planning on changing her one day then there has to be some other plan in motion."
Edward's colorful swear word made Esme gasp. I knew then that he keeping something from me.
"Edward, would you mind going for a run with me?" I asked as I pulled the car onto the shoulder without waiting for his answer.
Edward hissed in response, but he got out of the car.
"I'm sorry, dear," I said to Esme, giving her a quick kiss, "I'll try to have us back before nightfall."
"Figure it out with Edward, Carlisle. Take as long as you need," Esme whispered.
I nodded and got out of the car, walking into the trees where Edward was waiting. I heard Esme drive the Mercedes away towards home and I took a deep breath. "Run with me."
Edward nodded so I began running, Edward quickly falling in step beside me. I didn't get a chance to run very much, other than to hunt, and I took a moment to enjoy the sensation as I led us due south.
Skirting a few campsites we came to the Quinault area of the National Park. A temperate rain forest, this area was excessively abundant with vegetation and animal life. Slowing down I led Edward to a small waterfall I had found which overlooked Quinault Lake.
"This place is wonderfully moist," Edward commented.
I laughed as I climbed down the rocks to the bottom of the waterfall. Between the humidity of the rainforest and the mist rising off the waterfall, the air here was almost completely saturated with water. Reaching the bottom I took off my shoes and rolled up my pants, then sat on a rock to place my feet in the rapidly flowing glacier-cold water.
"Come join me," I invited.
Edward rolled his eyes. "Do you think that sometimes you act almost too human?"
"If I was human my toes would be numb from the cold already. It is a nice sensation, so come sit."
Edward sighed but mimicked my earlier actions with his shoes and pants and sat down beside me, wiggling his toes in the water. "I'm afraid I don't really see the appeal of this," he said doubtfully.
I shrugged and took a deep breath. The air here was so rich. The cacophony of scents swirling around this enclosed space was almost heady.
"Edward, what are your plans for your relationship with Bella?" I asked, jumping right to the heart of the reason why we were here.
"I don't know."
"Of course you know, Edward." Please don't hide this from me.
"I want to be with her. But I won't kill her. I can't."
I nodded. "So you plan on being with her, until what? We can't stay in Forks forever."
"I'll go to college with her. And then go with her when she gets a job."
"And then when she has to move every few years because you never age, what then?"
Edward shook his head. "As long as she will have me with her, I'll be there. Somehow."
I frowned. This plan hardly seemed very rational, but if that was what they wanted they would find a way to make it work. "And given Bella's penchant for accidents and injuries, if she is suddenly dying somehow would she want to be changed?"
Edward's face grew hard and he looked away.
"Edward, I'm willing to change her in that situation, but I would like to know Bella's thoughts on the matter."
"Does it matter?" Edward asked angrily.
I pulled back sharply. "Of course it matters. The one thing I regret about the four of you is that you never had a choice. I made it for you. But Bella here can make a choice, so it would be very helpful for me to know what it is."
Edward's head shook fiercely and I grew concerned. Bella had always acted so accepting of what we were, but perhaps she was actually very repulsed by it for herself. I could think of numerous reasons why she would shy away from it. The burning of the transformation, the thirst, drinking blood, leaving her parents behind...
"Only the last one matters a bit to her," Edward hissed.
I froze in shock. But that meant she had already...
"Yes," Edward affirmed.
I gasped. "When?"
"At the hospital in Phoenix."
So after James' bloodthirsty attack. After she had already experienced the burn of venom. Perhaps it was Bella's decision which made Alice's vision so stable. "When does she want it done?"
Edward gave a sharp laugh. "At the hospital in Phoenix."
I looked up at the trees and asked the far more important question. "Why? Why does she want it?"
Edward gritted his teeth and kicked the water. "She said she dreams of being with me forever."
I closed my eyes. It was the only answer I could accept as valid. This certainly changed things.
"It changes nothing," Edward growled. He pushed my shoulder back so I was facing him. "Do you hear me, Carlisle? It's not going to happen."
I looked in his half-crazed eyes and took a deep breath. "If it is what she wants, Edward," I said slowly, "then it is her decision."
"What she wants? She asked me to bite her at prom. She has no idea what she is asking for. Asking me to end her life before it has even really started to begun," Edward spat out, "it's not going to happen. I won't allow it."
"She asked you to do it at prom?"
Edward snorted. "Yes, she thought it might be a good occasion."
Clearly Bella had learned some things about vampires, but not everything. "And you told her then that you wouldn't do it?"
"Yes."
"And is Bella still insistent on this matter since prom?"
"Yes," Edward admitted. "We are at an impasse about it, so to speak."
I nodded slowly. "How often does she bring it up?"
Edward sighed dejectedly. "Just about every day."
"Really? How about today?"
"Yes, even today," he said glumly.
"Will you change your mind in the future if she still feels the same? After she finishes college, perhaps?"
I could see Edward deliberate carefully. "No."
"And if she gets in a car accident tomorrow and is about to die, do you want me to change her then?"
The pain which came across Edward's face was raw and heart-wrenching and full of grief. He swallowed and then kicked the water angrily. "No, but...," he whispered.
"No? Do you want to be with her or not?"
Edward's head snapped up. "Of course I do," he growled, "why do you think I'm still here? Maybe you haven't noticed, Carlisle, but I am an essentially selfish person. I'm still here intruding on Bella's life because I can't make myself go away. But please allow my selfishness to have some limits. I will be with Bella, but I will not take away her soul."
I rubbed my face with my hands. So that is what it came down to. "You know that I don't agree about that, Edward."
"Yes, I know," Edward said bitterly. "But why run the risk?"
I looked away. "I ran the risk with you," I reminded him softly.
Edward was silent for a long moment. "You know I don't begrudge that of you, not anymore," he said finally.
"Thank you, Edward."
Edward sighed. "But it still doesn't change the fact that according to the best religious sources we have given up our immortal soul in exchange for an immortal life here on earth. In comparison with Paradise how can I drag Bella into an unending life here which is filled with nothing but death?"
"The best religious sources don't say anything specific about us," I countered. "The folk tales say that we have made a pact with a devil to acquire a dark version of everlasting life, which is something neither of us has done. I would never dream of doing such a thing," I recalled my opaque memory of the fiend who was my sire and shuddered, "and while I made a pact with your mother concerning you, I don't think she was a devil. Bella has apparently decided to become a vampire out of love, and if there is one thing the Devil has no part in it is love."
"But the best religious sources all teach that human life is sacred, and we are designed to defile it. How can that not make us demons?"
"Maybe by casting off the forces of Fortune and making the right decisions we can use what Fortune has given us to achieve Paradise nonetheless," I suggested.
Edward shook his head doubtfully.
I closed my eyes and began to recite softly:
Naar vi i tre hundred Aar have stræbt at gjøre det Gode, vi kunne, da faae vi en udødelig Sjæl og tage Deel i Menneskenes evige Lykke. Du stakkels lille Havfrue har med hele dit Hjerte stræbt efter det samme, som vi, du har lidt og taalt, hævet dig til Luftaandernes Verden, nu kan du selv gjennem gode Gierninger skabe dig en udødelig Sjæl om tre hundred Aar.
Opening my eyes I saw Edward had fallen completely still, his head lowered onto his chest.
"The Little Mermaid," he whispered.
I nodded. "Her suffering and loyalty kept her from death, and by her good deeds she could gain after three hundred years both an immortal soul and eternal bliss."
"You do realize that Andersen's story of the Little Mermaid is not accepted Scripture by any world religion?" Edward retorted. "Even the pagan Celts thought Melusine to be little more than a water sprite and never set her free from this world."
"Even so, it offers a hope which, to me, feels true."
Edward shook his head. "I'm glad that gives you hope, but for me it's hopeless. Even when I try to be good I end up doing evil. I took the forbidden fruit and tried to become like God."
I closed my eyes. "We all make mistakes, Edward."
"No, we don't. I did. Nothing I do can negate the fact that I am a murderer."
I looked down at the water and grimaced. I hated being reminded of the time Edward left, but I hated even more thinking about what he did during that time. "Do you think it is hopeless for Esme then as well?"
"There's a big difference between unintentional homicide and serial murder in the first degree, Carlisle," Edward answered sharply.
I took a deep breath. "God can even have mercy upon serial killers."
Edward ground his teeth together. "But that bloodthirsty avenger is still in me, Carlisle, and he will always be in me."
"And I have a bloodthirsty monster in me as well. We can make the decision, act the way the Fortunes demand of us or choose to do good. You are doing good, Edward. Every day with Bella makes you stronger, better."
"And how will I be doing good if I take away her life and kill her soul?" Edward asked me, pain etched across his face.
I looked into his grief-stricken eyes. "I will do it, Edward," I said rashly. "I will do it for you and take full responsibility. I will go talk to Bella myself and make the arrangements. You don't need to have any part of it."
Edward lowered his face into his hands as his body trembled. I looked into the rushing water at my feet as the weight of my offer came over me. After Emmett I had sworn to myself that I would not change another. I had sworn that to Ephraim Black and the Quileute tribe as well. I had certainly never thought about changing anyone who was not already at the brink of death. But I would break my word for Edward.
Bella had made her choice and thought herself to be ready, and it was already proven that it was dangerous for her to be human. I could take her to Alaska within a month, the Denali homestead was quite remote, perfect for a newborn. Alice could come as well and help Bella adjust, that situation would certainly explain the particulars of Alice's vision. Bella would have plenty of time to graduate from high school in the future, and as many times as she wanted even. I would ask her to come over and speak to me about this tomorrow evening.
"No," Edward whispered, interrupting my planning.
"No?"
"Don't change her, Carlisle."
"I thought that was what you wanted."
"Yes, but I won't allow it." Edward raised his head to look at me. "Don't do it, Carlisle," he said forcefully, "promise me."
"It is a solution, Edward. A compromise, if you will, but it is still a solution."
"No."
"But Bella has already chosen--"
"It doesn't matter," Edward interjected.
"I think it does," I retorted.
"No, no it doesn't," Edward said with remorse, shaking his head.
"I don't understand, Edward."
"I don't begrudge what you did, but it doesn't change the fact that I shouldn't exist. I don't belong here. I shouldn't be in Bella's life."
"Like Machiavelli said, sometimes Fortune and Valor can come together to create victory. Maybe Fortune means for you two to be together, and my decision to turn you was a means to this end."
"And the Valor of being vegetarian was to keep me from draining her the first second I smelled her? It seems like a quite odd twisting of fate," Edward said dismissively.
I let out a frustrated breath. "So I ask again, Edward, what is your intention about your relationship with Bella?"
"I told you."
"I mean long term," I pressed.
"Exactly what I told her at prom," Edward murmured. "I will stay with her. I will stay with her for her whole life."
"So you intend to let her age and die of natural causes?" I asked.
"Yes."
My head suddenly began spinning and I braced my hands on the rock we were sitting on. "You do realize that you are looking at about seventy years, at the very most?"
"Yes."
"And then?" I was as surprised as Edward that my question was nearly a growl.
"What do you mean, Carlisle?" Edward asked, avoiding my eyes.
"Don't play me for a fool, Edward," I said angrily. "We do not simply go on without our mates. Do you honestly think I'm going to let you let Bella die?"
"Let me?" Edward hissed. "I don't need you to let me do anything, Carlisle."
I flinched at his words. "I don't want to lose you, Edward, that's all."
Edward nodded and kicked his feet in the water again.
"Edward?" I asked anxiously. "Do you think that enjoying seventy years with Bella will be enough to last you through all eternity?"
Edward took a deep breath and looked at me. "Il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé."
That really wasn't the answer I was looking for. "And if you don't get seventy years? What then? Are you willing to let her die tomorrow?"
"Yes," he whispered, his face crumpling in pain. "Not if I can help it, but yes."
"Why Edward? You two are so happy together. Why not let it last forever? I told you, I will take responsibility--"
"Let it be my final penance."
"What?"
"I told you Carlisle. I am an essentially selfish creature. I wanted human blood and I found excuses to take it. I wanted Bella and I found excuses to be with her. You think the little mermaid could gain an immortal soul with her good deeds, let this be mine. I will deny myself and not destroy her soul. I just pray that it will be enough."
"So, what? You're going to live three hundred years after you let Bella die so that you can hope to find her in Paradise?"
"You're the one who said that you believe in this fairytale," Edward said bitterly. "The logic should make sense to you."
"You have to find another way," I begged.
"I've considered my options. And this is the one I choose."
I bent over and held my head between my hands as the horror of Edward's plan became clear to me. "No, Edward, please."
"If I was to do the right thing I would get out of her life right now," Edward explained thoughfully. "Staying with her during her human life is already my compromise."
I sighed. "Perhaps someday you will change your mind."
"No, I'm not changing my mind. Bella might change her mind, she is human after all, but I will deal with that when it happens."
"But at the moment she has expectations you aren't willing to fulfill, is that correct?"
"Yes."
"Edward, that's not a way to have a healthy relationship. It will eventually drive a wedge between the two of you."
"Let me figure it out, Carlisle," Edward asked, his face pleading.
"Okay, Edward," I agreed reluctantly.
"And don't change her."
I looked away. If Bella were to show up in an ambulance dying, how could I not? Especially if she were to beg me to do it?
"Promise me, Carlisle," Edward growled at me, grabbing my shoulder roughly. "Promise me that you won't change her."
I struggled to push down my self-preservation instincts which were rising in response to Edward's threats. "I will let the two of you work this out, without any interference from me. I promise."
Edward nodded slowly and lowered his hand from my shoulder. "Thank you, Carlisle."
I took a deep breath and looked down at my feet, cold and immobile like the rocks around them. Why did the world suddenly seem to be so much more complicated?
"I don't know," Edward quietly answered.
I glared at him. "I wasn't asking you."
Edward smirked. "Even so."
I sighed and looked away towards the lake, then shot my arm out as fast as I could towards Edward's shoulder. Finding nothing but air I looked up to see Edward crouched on the rock across from me.
"You are still much too slow," Edward laughed.
I grimaced and kicked the water with my feet, sending a fountain of water at him. Edward jumped to the side before the first drop could reach him and then jumped back to the rock I was sitting on, crouching again like a feline. "When have you ever been able to catch me, Carlisle?" he asked, his huge grin indicating that he thought the question to be entirely rhetorical.
His question made my laughter die suddenly and I raised my hand to rest on Edward's cheek. I knew he hated to be touched so I was surprised when he closed his eyes and leaned slightly into my hand.
"Don't take yourself away from me, Edward," I begged, my voice full of emotion.
Edward's eyes snapped open. "You're the one who believes in an afterlife for us, why would something like that even matter to you?"
"I am selfish as well, Edward. I want to live with you forever also. Please, don't do anything foolish."
Edward's eyes searched mine for a long moment before he dropped his eyes down to the rock between us. "I have to do the right thing by Bella. She is the most important person in my life now," he whispered.
I closed my eyes and leaned forward to press my forehead against Edward's, inhaling to take in Edward's familiar scent. "If this is your plan then someday you will have to learn how to live without her. Promise me that when that time comes you will come to me. I will help you."
I heard Edward take a deep breath, but he remained silent. I squeezed my eyes shut as the feelings of terror threatened to overtake me. "Promise me, Edward," I insisted, promise me.
Edward was silent for another long moment before I heard a whispered, "I promise," fall from his lips reluctantly.
I pulled back and raised Edward's head up, brushing his cheekbone with my thumb as I looked into his eyes. I had the unsettling sensation that Edward had lied to me, but he had never deceived me before, surely he would not do it now for such a serious matter?
Edward made no response to my thoughts and eventually I nodded. I would have to trust him. "Very well," I said, finalizing our agreement.
Edward gave a sharp nod and backed away from my hand. "I don't want anyone else in the family to think about turning Bella either," he instructed.
I frowned. "No one else would think about attempting it, I'm sure. They don't have the control to not run the risk of killing her." The only one who may even think about it would be, ah yes, Alice. "I will inform them of your wishes, of course."
Edward stood and looked up at the waterfall. "I want it to be an absolute command, Carlisle."
I blinked. An absolute command? Coven leaders used absolute commands to strictly define the actions of coven members. Breaking a command meant banishment and possibly even destroyal by the coven. I had deliberately shied away from such things. The only one I had was that anyone wanting to feed on humans would have to move away from the family, and even then it was clear that the banishment didn't need to be permanent. "You realize this is Alice we're talking about?"
"I am fully aware of the details of Alice's vision," Edward said flatly. "She is the one who told Bella the details of how one is changed into a vampire. She is the one who insisted that I let the venom spread in Bella in Phoenix. She sees only Bella and herself in her vision because they are the ones who want Bella to be a vampire. I don't think Alice is above making her own vision come true. But if you disallow her from this course of action her vision may change."
I shook my head. "Why don't you just talk to her yourself, Edward? You two are close. Surely she would respect your wishes."
"Alice is being...difficult about this," Edward said bitterly.
"Really?" I asked, startled. Over the past fifty years I had been pleased to watch the friendship bloom between Edward and the unique enigma of a girl who took her own lonely journey into our lives. If this issue was driving them apart though...
"Give the command, Carlisle," Edward asked fervently, obviously seeing his opening.
I shook my head slowly. "You know how much I loathe such things." I never wanted to put myself in the situation where I would have to send Alice away. She was much too precious and we were the only family she ever knew.
Edward growled and ran his hand through his hair, clearly frustrated by my response.
"I will talk to the rest of the family tonight and tell them about your wishes and instruct, not command, but instruct," I insisted as Edward shook his head at me, "everyone to respect your wishes on this matter."
"I don't think that will be enough, Carlisle."
"Even so, Alice has probably already seen this conversation, and she is the one you are worried about."
Edward laughed dryly. "Yes, I suppose she has."
"I will speak to her and everyone else tonight and tell them that your wishes are my wishes. That is all I will do."
Edward's shoulders lowered in defeat. "Fine. Thank you."
I nodded and stood up to put my shoes on. "Let's run home so you can go to Bella tonight."
Edward put on his shoes. "Want to race back to Forks?"
"Why do you even ask that?" I asked, exasperated.
Edward gave me an innocent smile. "Because I always feel better when I win."
"I would much prefer a leisurely jog. We hardly have a chance to have those anymore, you and I."
Edward smirked. "Okay, a leisurely jog it is, Old Man."
"Don't call me Old Man, Eddie," I said with a playful snarl.
"Is that a command, Carlisle?" Edward teased.
"If it has to be I just might make it one." I refused to go through eternity taking that kind of abuse from my family. "We have a bit of time, let's run to the mountain range before we go back." I suddenly felt the urgent need to stretch out my time with Edward.
"Sure...Carlisle. Let's go," Edward said before he suddenly took off running east.
I chased after him, knowing that eventually he would slow down to let me catch up with him. As I ran, however, I couldn't shake the feeling that this was a moment I should treasure, because soon Edward would run to places I could not follow.
A/N:
The waterfall I have Carlisle and Edward go to is real. You can find the link to a picture of it on my profile page.
Carlisle quotes from the Danish original of Hans Christian Andersen's The Little Mermaid. The translation by Jean Hersholt is, "When for three hundred years we have tried to do all the good that we can, we are given an immortal soul and a share in mankind's eternal bliss. You, poor little mermaid, have tried with your whole heart to do this too. Your suffering and your loyalty have raised you up into the realm of airy spirits, and now in the course of three hundred years you may earn by your good deeds a soul that will never die."
Edward's line in French, "Il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé," is by George Sand in her Letter to Lina Calamatta. The translation is, "There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."
