The sound of Karin's cell phone ringing every minute and every hour wasn't as bad now that I've gotten used to it. Word of me hitting Ino got around the world about twenty times by now. The calls were relentless. I could feel the guilt flood inside of me again. I shifted in my bed, pulling the blanket over my ears. I couldn't see anything in my room because it was in total darkness. I preferred it that way. I looked at my clock, wondering how long it's been. It was noon. I haven't been out of bed since yesterday when Karin brought me home.
I closed my eyes. Karin was babying me. She was worried about me and decided to make my computer room her personal office until I felt better and wanted to go outside again. She was working on clearing the story up as well as she could, trying to make neither Ino or I sound like the bad guy. She being considerate, I knew that, but each phone call I heard from her cell phone told me of what I've done wrong. And that I couldn't go back in time and reverse it.
Did it ever cross your thick skull that maybe she was hurting on the inside?!
No, it never crossed my mind. I always thought she was mad that she was stood up on, that she, Ino Yamanaka, was made a fool of and she wanted revenge. But, I never did once consider that she was hurting. No, the real Ino I knew would be too proud for such a pitiful thing…yet when she was teaching me how to dance, I was learning that the Ino I once knew was far away and that the now-Ino isn't who I thought she was.
I pulled the blankets closer to me and sunk into my bed. I didn't want to think how bad I went wrong. I messed many things up in my life like my family and Ino. I felt another pang of shame hit me. When was the last time I called my mom and told her how I was? I sent some money home to show that I still cared, but I never did call in…I couldn't even remember when I last talked to my mom. The thought of that didn't help my mood. It just proved how cruel I was.
I just needed to stop thinking and focus what was going on around me. I listened intently on Karin's hushed voice, her typing, and the phone ringing about every ten seconds. A few minutes later the phone miraculously stopped ringing. A stressed sigh followed it. Karin was tired- I could hear it in her strained voice. She was trying so hard to make everything work out, and to make sure that Ino didn't get the sour end either.
"God," her voice drifted into my room. I felt even guiltier. I squeezed my eyes shut and rolled over. Why was I so guilty? Sure. Ino was hurt but I shouldn't be feeling this guilty.
I opened my eyes slowly, realizing I was just trying to selfishly shove the shame away. To unjustly lose it and try to be high and mighty again, and to show Ino that was truly a conceited monster.
Karin's phone began to ring again. It interrupted my thoughts as she let out another sigh before answering it. She has been up ever since yesterday. Karin was working so hard to just keep me ok…I really didn't deserve to be cared for right now. A heartless creature like me didn't deserve any attention…from anybody.
I stirred awake at a gentle hand that shook me. I felt groggy but awake. I looked up and noticed in the corner of my eye that my alarm clock was at '7:17pm'.
Karin stopped shaking me and smiled weakly.
"Are you hungry?" She asked softly. It took a few seconds for me to comprehend what she said. Once I did, I asked myself the question in my head and I could feel the pit of my stomach ache in response. I nodded lightly. Karin smiled and walked out of my room, and turned right and went into the kitchen. It was had was illuminated from the hallway light now. I glanced around, wondering if I should get up. I remained in bed, slowly waking myself up until I heard the clang of pots and pans. I might as well get up and try and wading in my own pity. I forced myself out of bed and dragged my body to the bathroom. I needed to shower. I was probably a mess.
I slowly made my way into the bathroom and closed the door, deciding not to lock it for some odd reason. I trusted that Karin wouldn't come in unless it was an emergency.
I glanced in the mirror. I noticed that I looked perfectly fine. My eyes were a little glossier and tired looking than usual, but other than that I looked ok. The idea of me looking fine made me feel sick to my stomach. The way I truly felt didn't reflect on my physical appearance. The burden of guilt didn't even make me look weary. I scoffed at myself. I was a wolf in sheep's clothing, waiting to pounce on my next innocent victim. After me hitting Ino and all the time I laid in my self-pity… I didn't look any different in the mirror.
I turned on the shower and adjusted the water to my desired temperature- blazing hot. I could only hope the hotter the water was the more stress and guilt I'd wash away.
I did wash away some stress but not all of it. I was able to look in the mirror at myself without flinching and wanting to crawl back in bed. That was a plus in my mood. I quickly dried my hair as good as I could and wrapped the towel around me and dashed to my room across the hall. Thankfully, Karin wasn't around to see my half naked form. That would've been quite the awkward moment.
I took some comfortable shorts and a black tank top from my dresser and slid them on. I wasn't dressing to impress anyone, especially Karin. She out of all people would know how I dressed in my house.
I crept out my room and into the hallway where a big whiff of delicious smelling food hit my nose. I felt my belly growl loudly. Oh my goodness. Karin never did tell me that she could cook well, that is if her cooking was great as it smelled.
I floated into the kitchen to notice we were having breakfast for dinner. It was peculiar but sounded good nonetheless. Karin turned around as if she felt my presence in the adequate sized kitchen. She cleaned the pans she used to cook the food. She pushed up her glasses with a small smile, accidently placing bubbles on her glasses from her bubble covered hand. It looked kind of funny.
"I hope you don't mind having breakfast for supper," she told me in hesitation. I smiled, probably my first this day.
"No, I don't mind, it actually sounds really nice." I assured her before I took a seat at the table. The food already was placed on it. I eyed all of it and felt my mouth water eagerly. There were pancakes, eggs, bacon, and fried potatoes. It looked and smelled oh so good. Without Karin's consent, I grabbed my plate. I quickly began to cover my plate with the wonderful food until it was brim full. I didn't hesitate when I dug my fork in the potatoes and shoved it in my mouth.
I almost moaned in my mouth from how delectable the supper tasted. I pretty much lived on fast-food: Subway and cups of ramen- it wasn't too bad. But, wow, this was just amazing. I never knew how much I missed a home-cooked meal.
I glanced at Karin. I wanted to say how much I appreciated it, but I was too hungry to spare a moment. I continued to shovel food into my mouth. I didn't really care how I looked like, because it was well worth it.
Nonetheless Karin smiled and went to retrieve her cup of coffee before taking a seat across the table. She quietly sipped her beverage. However, she seemed a little different. I could see it in her eyes that she wanted something. But what was it? I slowly began to stop eating until I snatched a napkin nearby and wiped my lips.
"Is something the matter?" I asked. Karin almost flinched at this and looked up at my eyes. She held my gaze until she couldn't any longer and broke it off. She seemed a little guilty.
"Yes, sort of," she mumbled shyly. I ignored my food for now- it could wait. I placed the napkin down and licked my lips.
"What is it?" I said carefully. I didn't want to push her too much because it looked like it was a touchy subject already. I lightly leaned back in my chair, tilting it onto its back legs.
"Well," she hesitantly began," it's about what Shikamaru said." She stopped and analyzed my reactions.
I was surprised. I didn't expect her to bring up the subject so fast. I looked down at my lap. I knew what she was trying to get at, but didn't exactly want to talk about it.
"It's just you never told me about…you know…the incident you and I—you two had when you were small." She rephrased, avoiding Ino's name. I bit my lip. I didn't want to bring it back up because it was so buried in my memories. I never wanted to bring that incident back up again. I tried to forget it- I tried so hard but now that it was out I didn't have a chance.
"Ino and I were friends in the Academy. You know that right?" I began. Karin's eyes went wide. She nodded. I guess she didn't expect me to silently agree to tell her.
"Well, she's probably the reason I'm here now." I stated. Now that the words hit me, I almost wanted to laugh because the younger Ino would've smiled and gave me a thumb up. She'd say how right I was and that I finally had some sense in me. However I just smiled.
"She taught me how to dress to impress. How to walk onto the stage and how to make the crowd scream…she even showed me how to make the lights dance with me. Ino really helped me out when I was smaller. She just taught me how to sing from my soul, and how to put emotion in the dullest of songs." I admitted. Karin was intently listening to everything I said.
I closed my eyes. I allowed the memories pass the emotional barrier I put up. It all flooded back to me, and I welcomed it with open arms.
"Sakura," Ino called out to me. It was after school hours and we were the only ones in the theatre I peeked from backstage. She was on stage and looking out to the empty crowd. The lights were all on her and she was smiling as if she was about to sing a composed piece. The lights shone so bright…I thought they were stars above our heads, but not so far away. They seemed close enough to pluck.
I felt Ino's hand grab my arm and calmly pull me out to the stage. I felt scared even without a crowd. Ino's smile didn't waver.
"It makes you feel great, doesn't it?" She asked me. I glanced at her as we stopped in the middle of the stage. I didn't understand. There wasn't anything to feel here, except the anticipation of the upcoming auditions. It made me terribly nervous. However, Ino's touch soothed me.
"I don't feel anything," I hesitantly replied. I didn't want Ino to get mad at me for not feeling what she was feeling. She sometimes got mad at me for not understanding what she did.
"You know…just being on stage." She whispered as if there was a crowd out there that could hear us. She was staring out at the empty, velvet chairs as if looking into the invisible eyes of the viewers. She was charming them before she sang.
I shook my head. All I felt was fear.
She let go of me. The instant her touch left my arm I felt the dread overcome me. It was like I saw the imaginary audience and they were all looking at me. I was alone without support. I didn't like it.
Ino spun away. She twirled with a smile. She had a graceful smile on her face. It wasn't a playful one, but showed harmony within it. She stopped spinning and stood at the other side of the stage, away from me.
"The audience…think of them clapping for you. Them calling your name, screaming you to continue. How they wished you would sing more for them. Wouldn't it be great?" However, I didn't understand. All I kept thinking was how the audience was waiting for you to find your flaws, and degrade your performance with them.
But Ino continued to smile. She skipped further back on the stage and stopped. Her eyes never once wavering from the rows upon rows of seats.
"Ino they'd call out. They'd want more, and more, and more. They would want to remain here forever with me singing." Ino spoke. I turned around and glanced at her. Something was off.
"You ok I—"
"And then, I'd sing more for them. Their yells would become whispers as my voice overpowered their's and the world's ears would descend onto me." She said. I furrowed my brows.
"But what's so great about people wanting to listen to you sing?" I asked. Sure that was the whole point, but wasn't there better things in life to do? Like go for long walks with the person you loved.
"It's great because you know you're loved." She sang and slowly walked forward. I followed her with my eyes. Her body fluidly and elegantly moved to the front of the stage again, facing the silent audience.
"But I don't want them to love me." Ino said. I was confused.
"But you said that's the whole point of singing." I reminded her. What was Ino going on about?
"I want them to love us." She gave a toothy smile before she finally released her stare off the crowd. My eyes widened.
"Us?" I repeated.
"Yeah, because we're going to do duets and work together just like now." Ino piped before grabbing both of my hands and spinning us around. We did this for what seemed like hours. We laughed the whole time until we were too dizzy and fell on the ground near each other.
But our hands still held the others.
The world we lived in that only contained of music was spinning out of control. The lights danced and made us wince. The red curtains circled us like vultures. Everything seemed so scary when it was spinning around like this. Like it would never stop and suck us in forever. My hand gripped Ino's harder.
But Ino was with me so I was ok.
"I want us to be loved, too."
The time came where we shined together. We won that upcoming contest, and both were beyond happy and proud of ourselves. However, the judges took it the other way.
"And the 2nd place prize goes to Haruno Sakura!" The announced bellowed in a happy voice. Ino's eyes widened in surprise and glanced at me. I did the same, unable to speak. I thought we were a team, but I couldn't help and smile. I got 2nd place.
I ran out from behind the curtains with a big smile. Kurenai had to whisper to me to slow down and take even steps. I did so with much restrain, but the smile remained there. I looked out at the anonymous crowd. All of there faces were hidden by the blinding light of the spotlight. The announcer handed me my 2nd place ribbon.
"Now," the man boomed in the microphone. "First place goes to Yamanaka Ino!"
My smile faltered as Ino slowly, elegantly walked out. Her face was with a kind, sincere smile unlike my boisterous one. She slowly retrieved her 1st place trophy. She stood in front of me and waved to the crowd.
I thought we were a team. Weren't we supposed to share the trophy? I looked at my small, red ribbon. It looked so stupid compared to the trophy. I glanced back up at Ino who had taken the microphone from the announcer.
"I'd like to sing a song for the crowd. To thank you for supporting me," she said. How practiced that sounded. I felt some anger bubble up inside of me. The teachers quickly began to shoo me and the other kid off the stage. I looked back to see Ino nod and slowly begin to sing. Her voice flooded into my ears and sickened my stomach.
We were supposed to get the 1st place trophy…not just one of us. We were a team.
And I was off the stage, and away from the spotlight and crowd. The envy within me didn't blow over. Her promise haunted my mind.
"We were supposed to be loved." I repeated before taking off out the back door.
My fingers glided on the piano keys. They slowly pressed on the keys, hovering above the others and lingered on keys. I held down the una-corda pedal as I held down the keys. I was to relax and get my thoughts together which is why I was playing the piano. It required all my concentration and feelings.
I continued to play, but my thoughts kept going back to Ino's smile when she got the 1st place trophy. Not once did she look back at me and say that they were in it together.
My finger slipped and hit the wrong note. It sounded like a fox yelping in the middle of an opera- absolutely revolting.
I couldn't help myself. I was angry and felt betrayed. Ino said that we were going to be loved.
As I tried to replay the piano my foot removed it's self from the soft pedal and my hands stopped. My eyes felt watery with suppressed anger.
Weren't we supposed to be a team? Brother was right…
My fists slammed down on the piano keys before I got up and ran from the academy.
I found my brother at his usual spot. He was behind the local convenience store smoking his last cigarette. I stopped and tried to catch my breath. I gripped my stomach. It felt like my lungs were going to explode.
"Sakura, why are you here?" He asked in his even voice. I looked up at him and walked over to where he was sitting. He looked up at me.
"Want a drag?" He offered his cigarette. I shook my head.
"No."
He shrugged and popped it back in his mouth.
"So tell me, why are you here?" He asked again. I tried to even out my breath.
"I got 2nd place in the contest." I said. My voice was shaky.
"So I've heard. Good fucking job." He said with some venom. I frowned and suddenly caught the air I needed.
"Ino got 1st."
"And?" He used his hand to signal for me to go on.
"We were supposed to share the 1st place but she didn't even look at me…she took the glory." I admitted. I was mad at her for being selfish, but sad that I wasn't good enough to be even mentioned in her little speech.
"I see. You mad?" He stated more than asked. I nodded. His green eyes filled with amusement.
"I told you so. What you going to do now?" He asked. I flinched. What was I going to do? I was surprised. I came here to ask for guidance, but fully knew that he wouldn't have anything good to offer. He was a reckless older brother. But I knew that from the start so why did I come here?
"You want revenge, eh?" He replied before puffing out the smoke at my face. I coughed and waved it away.
Did I really want revenge? If so, was that the reason why I came to him, because I knew he was good at this type of stuff? I felt distant to myself.
And my voice became very dry and shallow. I couldn't continue with my story. The memories flooded back into my head. I was so cruel to Ino…I couldn't resist the guilt anymore. I knew it was my fault. I did this and caused this mess. I knew what happened yet I refused to acknowledge my insincere nature.
I shook my head.
"What else? What did you do?" Karin blurted while holding her coffee close. I shook my head again.
"I can't…I don't want to go any further." I confessed. Karin sighed and leaned back in her chair.
"I take it that you did something you regret." She stated. I nodded weakly. Now that I got this far, I couldn't deny what I did wrong. It swelled up inside of me and felt like I was going to explode from the shame.
And it didn't help that Ino and I never spoken after that. We never brought up the subject until yesterday. I hugged myself. I never even said sorry, and took her training sessions for granted. She was helping me, again, even though I hurt her. How did I survive this long without giving in? Why haven't I said sorry yet?
Karin groaned. "Wow that's bad I seriously want to under—"
"Bring me to Ino's." I ordered.
Karin looked at me with wide eyes before nodding. We quickly left the building and got into her car. A small group of paparazzi was lurking in the alley, but didn't get a chance to see me. Once we were driving away she finally spoke up.
"What are you going to do, Sakura?" She asked. Though, I believed she knew what I was going to do.
"I'm going to say sorry."
A/N:
Short chapter compared to the previous, but I think this is as far as it can get without be ranting over small things. Finals...joy! Haven't you guys noticed my chapters are named after songs? Even some of the ending chapters on Me & You have song names for chapters. Cool, right? Haha not really but it'd be nice if you listened to the songs since they are featured, or inspired me to write.
This chapter is dedicated to the piece 'Sad Romance by Jasica Yeh'. Listen to it...It's really nice. Fits best when Ino is talking to Sakura about how great it feels to be on the stage.
Reviews are totally loved.
Faves are enjoyed.
Just reading is fine...*coughs*
