Why You Should Not Trust Emmett as a Babysitter!
Chapter VI
Written by: AllApologies451994
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or any of its characters. Yadda, yadda, yadda... y'all know the drill. Let's just skip to the story, shall we?
It had been three days since the Cullens left. THREE. DAYS. Man, I was so close to making a Three Days Grace reference right then. Thank your lucky stars I didn't, because it was going to be lame.
Emmett got on the internet and began looking on Google for random stuff. He discovered that papaphobia is the fear of the pope and the one billionth number in pi is 9. How someone figured that out, we may never know, because, honestly, who has the time to figure out the whole value of pi?
Renesmee was sitting on the couch watching the Teletubbies. She didn't even know why, she just turned on the TV and there it was. After being convinced it was the stupidest show known to man (besides Barney, that is), she turned it on the news, where they had some big special on about global warming.
"Emmett, what's global warming?"
"It's where the ozone layer is being thickened by the amounts of pollution we put into the sky, thus making it harder for heat to leave/come into Earth, and it raises the temperature, melting the ice in Antarctica and killing all the polar bears."
Renesmee looked at him funny, because she wasn't paying attention to half of the crap he said, and then turned back around to watch the TV. She flipped through the channels until she saw iCarly on TV, and watched it in peace for a while.
Finally, they got a knock at the door. Emmett sighed, put down a random GameInformer again (we really need to make him stop materializing them out of thin air, it's bad for the environment!), and went to the door to answer it. He opened it, only to find the biggest loser of all time standing at his door; Mike Newton.
"Mike Newton? What the heck are you doing here?"
"Well, my mom said I needed to come out of the basement for a while, because all I did down there was play video games, and I couldn't go see Eric or Tyler because their parents don't like me, so I came here. I hope you don't mind."
Emmett sighed, but let the nerd come in anyways. He didn't believe Newton in the slightest, but a guy's gotta have manners sometimes. You know?
Newton walked into the house like he owned the place. He even sniffed the air suspiciously, for some odd reason. He eyed the furniture with distaste and then stuck his finger in his nose. I don't even know why that last part happened; it just sort of did.
"So, Emmett... where's the rest of your family?"
"They went out to go buy some groceries, and left me to babysit the little squirt over there."
Newton was confused by this, but walked in the living room, only to find a little girl, who appeared to be the age of 2, sitting on the couch watching iCarly.
"Why, look at this pretty girl! I'm Mike Newton. What's your name?"
She was so cute, he couldn't resist but ask. But what happened afterwards was totally unexpected, and to a degree, uncalled for.
"OMG! You're that weird kid who always used to hit on my mom! My dad said he would eat people like you for breakfast!!"
He was taken aback. A two year old baby who could speak perfect English? How old was this thing, anyways?
"How old are you, anyways?" he asked. It's not every day you're told off by a two year old.
"Well, uninformed idiot, I am 2 years, 7 months, 5 days, 18 hours, 15 minutes, and 58 seconds old." She didn't even know what a year, month, day, hour, minute, or second was, she just discovered those words and felt the need to use them in this situation. It's a good thing, too; if she had told him she was only 4 days old, it would've probably caused him to take a big dump in his breeches. And yes, I'm a hillbilly and talk like that, thank you. :D
Well, apparently, she could've told him she was a purple cow on the moon that came from Africa, because he didn't just pay attention to a word she said. Instead, he sat on the couch, grabbed Emmett's GameInformer (which only God knows where it had been) and began reading.
"Yo, nerd! That's my GameInformer, my couch, and my niece!! Things aren't looking well for you right now."
Emmett was right. He barged into the house, (apparently) harrassed his niece, sat on the couch, and stole his GameInformer. Emmett already had a bad day; this wasn't helping.
But this was nothing compared to what Newton did next. O, you guys are going to love all this, because what happens because of it is awesome. Isn't the cause/effect sequence great?
"Yo, Emmett! Where's Bella at? Man, that chick is so hot.... I'd try to go for her if that hideous loser Edward didn't have his paws all over her. I mean, seriously; it's like he has to cling on to her for dear life! We all know the guy is gay, he doesn't have to hide anything...."
He had just insulted Emmett's favorite brother, and Renesmee's parents. Now THIS is the part we've all been waiting for.
Emmett latched on to Newton and slapped him so hard half of his teeth flew out the side of his mouth. And yes, that's pretty hard. Then, he punched him in the gut. After all this, Renesmee popped up out of nowhere with a snapping turtle and threw it down his pants. O, wait... not just one turtle, I think maybe 3.... 4, maybe? I'm not sure. But after all this, Emmett kicked him where it should hurt.
"Ow, man!! What the heck!? That hurt!!!!"
"It shouldn't have; there's nothing there!"
Then Renesmee shoved him out the window. Emmett and Renesmee looked at each other really funny, and then gave each other high-fives. Then they sat down, and did what all normal families do; watch TV, read GameInformers, and talk about getting Mountain Dew bubbles stuck up your nose. O yea, here's a tip from the author: DON'T EVER GET A MOUNTAIN DEW BUBBLE STUCK UP YOUR NOSE. EVER. IT HURTS WHEN IT POPS. ...Sorry, I had to get that out. But, I guess that concludes this chapter, so.... how about an author's note and we're done? Yea, sounds like a plan....
A/N: Heh heh heh.... I was being serious about the Mountain Dew thing, I hope you guys know. Don't try it. And if you do, please tell me about your experience in a review :) And if you don't, well, leave me a review anyways to show how much you love me. Because you guys all know you love me :D Well, that's about everything... O yea, Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it! I celebrate it myself... so I hope you understand that you're not getting an update until 2010. Because of Christmas, New Years... and the fact that I'm lazy and need reviews for inspiration, and I never get reviews. So, please, if you read this, review it. I need to know I'm loved! My friends sure don't love me, they think I look like a nanner... but that's beside the point. REVIEWWWW!!!!!!!
