Chapter Two: The Mirror Regrets

Alanna slammed the bedroom door behind her and collapsed back against it, fighting the tears of frustration. Dinner had been such an embarrassment. She had sat through the entire meal trying to make excuses for the absence of the King, when she herself had no idea where he was.

In fact, Jon had been absent more than usual lately. He always seemed to have credible excuses for his disappearances upon his return, they seemed to be growing increasingly spurious and Alanna couldn't help but grow more suspicious in equal measure. Not for the first time, Alanna felt a pang of pain for the loss of her adoptive father two years before. He had once been head of the spy network, and would have done anything to see his daughter happy. Myles had, in fact, been one of the few who continued to suggest that she might be making the wrong choice right up until the day before the wedding. Alanna had been worried he might not want to give her away, but he had been there and didn't say a word against her choice from that moment on.

Alanna pushed away from the door, pulling at the buttons and laces on her dress. She should have called for a maid to come and help her out of it, but she couldn't bear the idea of having to see another human being right now. As she hauled at the fabric, trying to get it off as quickly as possible, she heard at least two button threads snap, the buttons themselves skidding across the floor. With a last yank, the dress slid off her lithe form, and Alanna stepped out of it, leaving the silk and lace pooled on the floor where it had fallen.

In the flickering light of the fire, Alanna caught sight of her semi-naked form in the large mirror on the far wall. Staring at the strange image, Alanna walked closer, stopping when she was a few feet away. Far from the petite but muscular body she had had at eighteen, she just looked strangely skinny. The only place on her entire form that wasn't, was the sight pot belly left from her pregnancies. Alanna ran her hands over her stomach and sighed. She loved her children. She couldn't not love her children. But she had so many regrets about the choices she had made long before their birth.

Turning away from the mirror, Alanna walked over to a small table, where a decanter of liquor was set between two glasses. She poured a larger glass than she should have, and took a large gulp. Jon hated her drinking. He irritated her so much sometimes with his continual nagging about it, that Alanna often filled her glass twice as often just to annoy him. Either that, or upped and left, going to find Raoul. He was a much better drinking partner than Jon. Of course, when the word got out that the Queen was drinking with the Captain of the Kings Own, it was assumed they were sleeping together. Well, until Raoul had been caught in a rather intimate situation with a rather handsome new recruit. Raoul was drinking more than ever after that.

The second glass seemed to rally Alanna's spirits, and she got up off the bed where she'd been sitting. Before pouring her third, she pulled off the remains of the lady's clothes she had been wearing, and then opened Jon's wardrobe. She grabbed a shirt, and a pair of breeches. The shirt sleeves needed rolling up, as did the legs of the breeches, but the fit wasn't too bad. Going back to the mirror, Alanna half-smiled. This was better. It had been far too long since she'd worn something so comfortable.

In the early days, she'd trained along with the boys and worn shirts and breeches around the palace when she wasn't required at something formal. Then she'd found herself pregnant and everything changed. Jon banned her from the training yards. If he could have consigned her to bed for nine months he could have. It wasn't that Alanna had objected, either. She knew better than most of the dangers inherent in childbirth, and as her belly grew larger, so did her fear. She had no interest in risking her life, or her child's, in the training yards. Thom had been born without trouble, and Alanna would have returned to training, but she had found herself pregnant again almost immediately. Every time, there was a reason why she never went back. She was ill, a child was ill, they had been on some kind of diplomatic mission... the list went on. Now she didn't think she could go back. After such a long time, surely she'd have lost all her skills.

Stepping back from the mirror she stretched her head to one side and then the other. Rocking back on her heels, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, hardly noticing as her body shifted into a fighting stance. For a moment, she considered opening her eyes to see where the furniture was, but really, she knew, didn't she? Without even realising, Alanna found her muscles had started moving. Her limbs found their way into a familiar pattern dance and Alanna smiled. She hadn't lost it yet.

Her body twisted and turned faster and faster in what had, thanks to the wine she had consumed at dinner, become almost a blur. It felt so good. Idly Alanna thought that it wouldn't be unreasonable to say that it was better than sex.

Crunch.

Her joy at the freedom of movement came to abrupt stop as her right leg connected with the post of the bed. Alanna's left leg slipped from under her with the shock and she found herself sprawled on her back, eyes open to the ceiling. She swore coarsely and closed them again before rolling onto her side and easing her body up.

She considered standing, but it was less effort just to shuffle a few paces to where she could reach for the carafe of liquor and pour herself a large glass. It only took a few sips to dull the pain of the embarrassment, but she saw no reason to stop there.

It was three hours later when Jon returned to find his wife half naked and passed out at the foot of the bed. With a heavy sigh, he returned the empty carafe to the table and then reached down to pick up Alanna's dead weight. He carried her to the bed and laid her down, pulling the covers over her and then collapsing himself, wishing he was anywhere but there.


I hope you enjoyed this. I'm starting to get an idea of where this angst-fest is going to go, but keep me encouraged by reviewing please!