I yawn and stretch as I awake to the sound of Appa groaning, as if to warn me of something. I open my eyes and find the sight of the mainlands of the Fire Nation in the distance, particularly the very island we had tried to invade so long ago, and within it, the very palace where my friend resides. I automatically grin, because there is something about giving someone a surprise visit that makes me giddy inside. Almost like playing a joke on them, jumping out of nowhere and yelling, "Surprised to see me?" as you give them a welcoming hug.
Haha, that sure sounds like a fun idea. But I have a feeling that it will be practically impossible to sneak up on Zuko.
Still, I soar towards the setting sun – the Fire Nation resides in the west, after all – and wave to the villagers who recognize my bison and point or wave up at me. I don't hesitate to land my bison near the royal stables, a few of the stable boys jumping in shock and stuttering something along the lines of: "Th-the Avatar! I must alert the Fire Lord immediately!"
I laugh. "Don't worry," I tell one scrambling stable boy in specific, "I'll alert him myself. Just take care of my sky bison, okay? He's really hungry and thirsty after a long trip from the Earth Kingdom."
"O-of course, Avatar, sir!" the young boy nods. He must be no more than eight years old, perhaps nine. That age feels like ages ago for me, and ironically, it kind of is, since I was frozen for so long. It still amazes me, how old I technically am. But it doesn't feel like it.
I pad down a carpet towards the palace, knowing that I will be welcome, if only because of the clothes and tattoos that I wear. Guards stiffen into attention as I pass them, out of respect and similar to the stable boys, shock. I chuckle to myself, briefly thinking about how improper it is to come unannounced to anybody's home, but at the moment, I don't care. It is simply too amusing.
My arrival is announced before I enter the Fire Lord's main chamber, but Zuko isn't here. I find Li and Lo, a pair of ancient twins, and ask them where Zuko might be. One of them – I'm not sure which, Li or Lo – answers me first. "His Majesty might be in his study, or his personal bedchamber."
The opposite twin sighs. "He hasn't been himself lately, it seems."
I frown in concern. "How so?"
"He's been a bit depressed," one of the old women answers.
Her sister adds, "The poor boy recently ended his engagement with Lady Mai."
Together, they explain in unison: "And even though his mother was recently located, even she can't seem to comfort him enough. He won't tell her what's wrong." They both shakes their heads in the same direction (twin telepathy is kinda creepy). "Fire Lord or not, he is still young. We are not sure if he can handle the stress."
I, too, shake my head, but briskly. "No, I doubt that's it; Zuko has handled worse. It must be something else…" I murmur, thoughts starting to tug at my mind. "Thank you for the information," I bow graciously, "I think I will see if I can get him to speak his mind."
"We sure hope so," the twins sigh. I can tell that they want to say more, but they are already giving me a curt bow and beginning to walk away. I take it this as my chance to scour the palace for Zuko, occasionally asking a guard or a servant where I am or where the Fire Lord's chambers are.
One shy girl points me down a corridor, saying, "The last door is Fire Lord Zuko's chambers. But I would maybe wait until tomorrow to bother him; he isn't…" she glances away, "Well, he has had a bad day, it seems. He won't even let me or any other maid come in to change his bedding or refresh his bathroom supplies."
I frown further. Something is really bothering Zuko, and that alone worries me. I thank her for the information as I have been doing, and tell her that I will take my chances. I speed-walk down the corridor to his bedroom. With a shaky breath, I knock a few times.
"What now?" my friend's voice roars from the other side. "I told all of you to fuck off!"
I bite my lip. He really does sound peeved. But I don't want to wait until tomorrow, not when I know something is wrong. It seems to be a natural instinct of mine to mend the problems of people, my friends being at the top of the list.
I find my voice and say, "Is that any way to talk to the Avatar?" As a second thought, I add a bit quieter, "...Or your friend?"
Immediately I hear something thud in the room, and then the door flies open. "Aang?" Zuko frowns in surprise and confusion, looking at me as though I were a mirage in the desert. "How…" He pauses and changes his question. "Why are you here?"
I smile my goofy, nervous smile and rub the back of my neck slightly. He looks different; it has only been about two years, making Zuko… what, eighteen or nineteen? Still, he has changed a bit. For one, I'm taller, which makes him appear shorter to me. "Can't I randomly decide to visit an old sifu and friend of mine?"
He smiles minutely, opening the door a bit wider to allow me inside. "Well, it isn't customary for anybody to show up at the Fire Lord's doors without at least a month's warning in advance, but being who you are, I guess I can shove the rules of formality aside."
He seems… warmer than I remember. Have the years softened his outer shell, or is he only acting like this because we're friends? I'd like to think it is the latter, because I like being missed; it means that I'm not the only person who cares, since part of the time, I feel like I am.
"Funny, you sound like Sozin," I say without thinking. I meant that he reminds me of one of the memories Roku showed me a few years back, about his friendship with Fire Lord Sozin. In that specific memory, Sozin had told Roku something akin to, 'Normally my subjects bow before their Fire Lord… But you're the exception.'
Zuko makes a face, and I realize that I shouldn't have brought up his great-grandfather, since the man had been the one to start the war.
I immediately amend my mistake. "Er, I only mean that what you said reminded me of something he said in a memory Roku showed me! Don't worry, it's a good thing," I add quickly. "Sozin had good in him at one time, you know. Not everybody only remembers him for the bad he's done."
"It sure seems like that's all people remember. And I can only hope that I don't end up the same way: remembered for my mistakes instead of what I did correctly." Zuko blows hair out his mouth as he runs his fingers through his hair, which is out of its usual royal bun, messy like how I remember it when he first joined our group. The memory itself is brief, but the emotions of how conflicted I had felt come rushing back with much more intensity than the imagery. I feel suddenly guilty for rejecting him outright like I had, since I hadn't even wanted to; but the look Sokka and Katara gave me, despite what my gut insisted, made me decide to tell him 'no'. But that's all behind us now.
I soften my expression. "No, Zuko; that won't happen to you. You're so much different than he was, or any recent Fire Lord for that matter. As far as I can tell, you're doing wonderfully!" I want to cheer him up. I don't like seeing Zuko so gloomy, because I know his potential, as far as moods can go.
"It sure doesn't feel like it," he grumbles, and sits down on the side of his bed. He shakes his head before looking up at me and forcing a friendly smile. "But it's good to see you again, Aang. I'm sorry if I just jump straight into my problems, but I've had a lot on my mind lately."
I secretly wonder what has been on his mind to make him act like this, like how Li and Lo said he's acting, but I hold my tongue. Shaking it off, I move to sit across from him on a little chair in the corner. "So I heard that you found your mother," I say happily. "Li and Lo told me when I asked them where you were hiding. That's great news, Zuko; you finally get to have your mother around again! That's more than I've ever had."
He looks at me strangely, his eyes like molten gold and his lips lax as his browns come together. "It's been nice, but it's also been difficult, because she often visits Azula in prison. I think she believes that she can change my sister, but I'm not sure that it's possible." He runs his fingers through his hair again, and a breezy thought about what it must feel like passes through my mind. "She visits my father often, too. I think she still loves him, but I don't see why. He banished her, for Angi's sake!"
I nod, not voicing an opinion. Personally, I can't quite identify, but for Zuko's sake, I'll appear to agree. He just needs someone to listen to him right now, since he's been bottling up everything from everyone else. Vaguely, I wonder what makes me so special. It could be my honest face; Katara always liked to say that I have a nice, open face, that allows you to trust me easily and spill your heart out to me. I didn't know what to say to that, but I constantly find that what she said is true.
Zuko glances up at me again. "How has everybody else been?"
"Pretty well-off," I say. "Sokka and Suki got eloped. It surprised us all, and Sokka sent Hawkie to give you the message, but I think he gave the poor bird bad directions, since I an tell by your face right now that you never received it," I chuckle. Zuko shrugs, and I tell him about the others. "Toph misses you; you're like an older brother to her, she says. She's with Teo now; you remember him, right? The boy in the glider-wheelchair? Anyway, I saw them last. They're happy."
"What about Katara?" he asks. I can tell that he's trying to distract himself from his own worries.
"Um," I mumble, my fingers twisting together and apart again, over and over, "I'm not entirely sure. She seems fine, but I think she took our break-up a little hard. It's my fault, really."
Zuko blinks a couple times. "You two… broke up? Why? I thought you two seemed so happy together."
I sigh. "Yeah, well. Relationships change, feelings being realized and all that jazz. And what I realized is that I didn't love her like I thought I did. I wanted something else, but I still don't know what. I guess I'm still looking." I laugh a bit weakly. "Which reminds me: I kind of heard the gossip from Li and Lo about you and Mai. What happened?"
Zuko looks away, and for a moment, I think I see a tinge of pink on his cheeks, but I can't be positive. "Same story, I guess. I fell out of love. She wasn't right for me, and I figured it out a little late, and it hurt her feelings, so now she won't talk to me. But I think it's better to be miserable this way than the other way."
I understand completely what he means. "Yeah, that's what I thought too. It's not fair to the other person, either, if you think about it: them loving you but you not loving them back? That's not fair at all."
There is a small moment of silence between us, but not an uncomfortable one. I take this opportunity to come sit beside him. Zuko tenses, and he seems to lean away slightly. I wonder why? But before I can say anything, the Fire Lord offers me dinner and the guest bedroom at the end of the hall.
I grin broadly. "Such generous hospitality, Zuko," I tease. "Thank you, I think I'll take you up on that. I'm starved, and haven't slept on a real bed in days."
"Then let's go," he says a bit flatly, and stands up to leave. But he seems to be in a much better mood than when I first knocked on his door, so I gladly tag along behind him.
He pauses in the doorway for some reason, however, and I find myself bumping into his back. Somehow, this sparks a teeny memory of when we went to meet Ran and Chah, the dragons. I had been right here, behind him, when I had tried to steal a bit of his fire. I almost forgot how warm Zuko is, and I'm amused at how many more inches I've gained against him. But he still towers a good three inches above me.
"Sorry," I murmur, but it happens to be at the same time he says the same exact thing. We exchange looks, a bit embarrassed, until I gesture for him to lead the way. I clearly don't know my way around the Palace, even if my most recent past life did.
We don't say anything as we head to dinner, and I only make small-talk around the table, mainly with Zuko's mother, Lady Ursa, who is just as kind and lovely as Zuko told me she is. But after dinner, she pulls me aside before dessert to ask me something.
"It's nice that you came all this way to see him; I think he needed a friend. He wouldn't talk much to anybody else unless it was business, and it worried me. But I think having you here might be good for him." She sighs, her breath as calm and melodic as her voice. "Still, I can't help but wonder if he's said anything to you since you've arrived. Has he?"
I give her a little smile. "Yes, he's said a thing or two. Nothing very specific, though."
"Could you do me a favor, Avatar Aang?"
I chuckle shortly. "You can just call me Aang, Lady Ursa. I don't find it disrespectful, especially not coming from the mother of one of my best friends."
It's an odd thing to say, that Zuko is a best friend of mine, seeing as how we were far from it to begin with. But I never held anything against him; I offered a hand to him countless times, like after he rescued me from Zhao as the Blue Spirit, or even after he kidnapped me at the North Pole. And, deep down, when we were at Ba Sing Se, I knew that he was just confused. Plus, with how manipulative Azula used to be before she snapped, I knew it couldn't have been is fault that he chose his sister's side. Still, he's done so much wrong and yet so much right that I can't help but be his friend.
Ursa smiles at me, soothing in its warm, like candlelight. "I know he is, which is why I want to ask a favor of you. Could you please tell me about anything he opens up to you with? I'm his mother, but he refuses to tell me certain things, and it perplexes me, and hurts me, but I know that sometimes there are things one can only tell one's friends, and not one's parent. But I still need to know, because he is my son and I do care deeply for him and want to find a way to help him. So would you mind, Aang?"
I shake my head. "Of course I wouldn't mind. I know how much of a clam Zuko can be, so I'll gladly tell you anything he tells me. I'm sure you can keep secrets well." I wink.
She laughs like a wind chime made of copper and silver. "Yes, I can keep secrets. I won't tell him that you told me, or give hints that I know. Like I said, I just want to be able to help, that's all. But I can't help –"
"Unless you know the problem," I finish for her. "I know how that feels."
"I figured you might," she says, smiling again. "Anyhow, thank you, Av– I mean, Aang. This means a lot to me." She leans forward a bit to hug me, and I find that we're about the same height, although she is still taller by an inch.
"You're welcome, m'lady," I say softly as I return the short embrace. She's soft and cozy, like how a mother should be. No wonder Zuko missed her so much when she was away; if I had a parent like this, I wouldn't want to have them up and leave one night, either.
Ursa retreats to her place at the table just as desert starts to be served. I eye Zuko, knowing without having to read too far into his facial expression that he saw the exchange between his mother and I. He might pry for an explanation, but with Zuko, I can never tell what he'll do.
Being here a the palace for a few days now has really helped me relax a bit and lose some of the restless tension I had before coming here. I don't know why; it could be how the servants wait on me, it could be how often I'm allowed peace all to myself for meditation and the like, or it could be Zuko. I'm not sure. I don't even know why it would be Zuko, but I guess I just missed him a lot or something.
"Aang," an all-too-familiar voice says. I smile and turn away from my view of the capital city around the palace to look my visitor in the eye. "The sun is almost down, but I thought we might spar in the Agni Kai courtyard for a while. I could use the exercise."
I know perfectly well what he means; sparring has always been one of the best ways to release pent-up chi and open up one's mind. Stress relief, plain and simple. And being the Fire Lord after a hundred-year-long war, even if it has been a few years, I can only imagine the amount of stress Zuko has clouding his mind.
"Sure, sounds like fun!" I reply, chipper as ever. He seems content with my answer, and I let him lead the way to the grounds we will be mock battling in.
When we arrive, the sun is just above the horizon, full and yellow-orange. Since this isn't a real Agni Kai, we don't bother with the formalities. We simply shed our shirts and shoes and get down into fighting stances. "Let's see how much you've improved since our last lesson all those years ago," Zuko smirks, and I smirk back.
"Oh, you should be afraid, Sifu Hotman. I have much improved, you'll see," I say, and I might be exaggerating a tad, but perhaps not. I don't know if Zuko's fighting style remained the same or not, so we both might be in for a surprise from the other.
Zuko laughs. "Don't even start with that nickname, Avatar," he jokes mildly, but his voice still sounds stern like it usually does. But something feels – or maybe looks – different about him. But I just can't place in what way, or how so.
"And don't you start calling me something so impersonal," I joke right back. He hasn't called me just 'Avatar' in a long, long while. I laugh, and then he calls out to see if I'm ready. I nod. "Ready!"
And then it begins.
He shoots first, something I'm more than used to. I dodge the stream of fire and leap into the air, trying not to use any airbending, since I know that would only give me a sparring advantage, which is unfair to a friendly opponent. I punch down towards Zuko with a strong fire blast, one he breaks with his own bending. "Very good," he approves, as if he were my teacher once again. "But try this on for size," he remarks curtly as I land in front of him. He does one of his signature moves, a spinning cycle of kicks on the ground, almost like a dance of his legs as his forearms keep him rooted to the ground.
It feels like I'm skipping rope as a child as I jump into the air multiple times to evade the flames. I do a cartwheel and land on my feet in time to shoot a fireball in his general direction. Like a waterbender might, he circles his body to bring the fireball around him and directs it back towards me. I break it up into teeny sparks, and attempt another attack, this time one as a charge from the side. Zuko barely dodges me in time, fire daggers forming in his fists to cut my attack in two.
I'm starting to pant, if only because the heat seems to be rising around me. I realize this is because Zuko is creating a torrent of red-orange-yellow flames, like a tornado of fire. I don't want to use airbending, because it would be cheating, and the same goes for earthbending, but I might have to in order to protect myself.
I inch closer to Zuko to avoid the flames, my guard still up for short-range attacks. But Zuko isn't attacking. The tornado of flames swirls up into the sky, beginning to ebb away from around me. I slow my movements to watch it, enchanted by the beauty of such firebending. I can feel a drop of sweat slip down my jaw as I bring my head back down, looking at Zuko instead of the fire, which is gone now.
"Like that one?" he asks me. "I learned it recently from my Uncle. It's meant to corner the enemy, bringing them close enough to you to attack them." He obviously wasn't going to use it to its full potential, since I am no enemy now, nor have I been for years. "Want me to teach it to you?"
I nod eagerly. "Yeah. It's silly to say, but it's very beautiful, even if it's meant to deceive."
"I thought you might say something like that," Zuko replies, and he's smiling in that small way for the hundredth time since I've gotten here. And everybody said he was in a depression; humph. He just needed a friend nearby, that's all. There's nothing for me to tell Ursa except for that, it seems. "Here, follow my movements. It's pretty easy, once you get the hang of it."
"How many steps are there?" I ask out of curiosity. I fall into the first one that he s showing at the moment, a stance nearly as broad as an earthbending stance.
"About twenty. It sounds like a lot, but they move quickly. Each step is very broken-down, in order to make the tornado just right: controlled and wide enough to enclose the enemy before reeling them in."
"I get it," I say. "So let's begin!"
He shows me each step, some of them merely being a swoop of the wrist or the turning of a foot, or a slow or fast push or pull of an arm. Pretty soon, I have a somewhat well-generated tornado going, the burning feeling of firebending coursing through my veins as I try to control the diameter of the tornado. In some ways, it's more like a hurricane, because it doesn't get much slimmer at the bottom than it is at the top.
"That's it, Aang," Zuko says to encourage me, "Just hold it in place, and then bring it steadily closer to you. Kind of like making a clay pot on a potting wheel; have you ever done that?" He steps closer, guiding my shaky hands, holding them in place. I can feel him behind me, his breath sharp near my ear and his legs most likely a couple inches form mine.
I nod as my tongue snakes out from between my lip while I force myself to concentrate. My hands start to shake worse as I struggle to make the fire bend to my will, keeping it rounded and still shrinking the diameter. "I… used to make pots… with Monk Gyatso," I say, panting a little and speaking slowly so not to distract myself further than how acutely aware I am of Zuko's presence. "Pots… and fruit pies."
Zuko laughs. Not much, but enough to distract me, because it's not a sound that I'm used to hearing. "I used to make them with my mom when I was young. She liked hanging around the artisans too much, and wanted to teach some of their secrets to me. But I always ended up with plates instead of bowls and pots and vases, since mine kept getting messed up. It was more fun for me to light the kiln or fry the plate myself."
That sounds more like the Zuko I knew. Something really is different about him, because he seems so much… happier. Maybe it's his mother's and uncle's influence on him. But a tiny voice in the back of my mind says, 'Or maybe it's your company that makes him happy.' I shake the thought away, but the second it had been there, it made added heat rise to my face, and the next thing I know, my fire tornado is breaking apart and swirling off into the sky like Zuko's had, only much wilder.
I sigh. "Well, that was an utter failure." I say this mostly to give myself time to wipe the slight blush from my face before turning around to look at Zuko. The sun is below the horizon now, the sky a soft blue turning purple-black on the other side of the skyscape.
"We can practice more tomorrow; you'll get the hang of it soon enough. You're a fast learner, Avatar or not," my friend reassures. And as he turns to get his discarded Fire Lord robes from the stony outdoor flooring, something clicks into place in my mind. Something reminding me of that puzzling dream I had once, something relating to what seemed different about Zuko, aside form his more smiley nature.
As Zuko slips on one layer of clothing, I glance away to retrieve my own shirt, because I realize that the 'something' ringing in my head is that Zuko has a really, really nice body. And it's a dirty thought, involving drops of glistening sweat over smooth muscles and toned, barely tan skin. I shiver as I slip my shirt back on, because I shouldn't be having those sots of thoughts, nor should I have dreamt of something similar whatever number of months ago it was when I understood my true feelings for Katara.
Why is this going through my mind, anyway? It's not right, not right at all. Not clean, not monk-worthy pure, and certainly not normal. My pace behind Zuko is slow, and unfortunately for me, he notices.
In the torchlight – there are at least a dozen lighting up the path back to the palace – Zuko stops walking and turns, one arm full of the remainder of his clothes, to stare quizzically at me. "Tired, Aang?" he questions, thinking that my languid steps are because of exhaustion from sparring and training.
I shake my head. "No, just… uh… thinking, that's all." I mentally snort at myself. Yeah, sure. Thinking bizarre thoughts that I wish would go away. But they won't go away, not with how my mind is suddenly telling every fiber of my being that the training should have been longer, because I liked having Zuko within close proximity to me, because with him standing behind me and holding me a little like that, I had felt secure.
Wait, secure? Since when have I wanted a feeling of being safe? – Oh, now I remember. When I was visiting Toph and Teo, I had thought to myself how much I craved the security of another person. But I had meant it in a romantic sense! But I couldn't mean that now...
Could I?
My thoughts are cut off by Zuko's voice, which I notice is closer to me. I had been so lost in thought that I hadn't seen him step closer! "What are you thinking about?" he wants to know, genuinely puzzled.
This feels a little cliché. People always ask other people – intimately, I might add – what they're thinking before… er, something happens. And I don't want something like that right now. Thus, I'm quickly shaking my hands in front of my face to wave it aside, and am forcing a funny, toothy smile onto my mouth. "Haha, nothing much, just about how… hungry I am! Yeah. See, I haven't eaten yet, not since breakfast, so my hunger is slowing me down. That's all."
Boy, do I suck at lying. I can't tell if Zuko believes me, but even if he doesn't, at least he's polite enough not to pester be about it. "Then let's go in and eat. Supper should be served soon." He turns and starts walking fast. What's the rush? Was it something I said?
Somehow, I don't like his tone, either. My friend sounds back to his old self, as if I had disappointed him. I feel guilty all of a sudden. "Um, on second thought…" I mumble as I begin walking faster to catch up to him. I touch his arm, and he freezes. "I'm not that hungry anymore. I really am tired. I think I'll go to bed."
"Fine," he says curtly, and for some reason, I think I hurt Zuko without meaning to.
I pace the guest room for a little while, Momo watching me from his place on the bed. "Do you think he was hurt because he knows I lied to him about what I was thinking? But… why would he be, Momo? Unless… it's something else?"
The lemur can't really answer me, I'm well aware. I've been through this before: pretending that he's listening comforts me, and helps me sort things out for myself.
I sigh and plop down on a pile of lounge cushions in the corner of the rich crimson-themed room. "I don't know, Momo, I really don't. I'm fifteen years old and I still don't know what goes on in my own brain, or what, precisely, my heart is feeling half of the time."
"Mmrrf~?" Momo questions, or at least it sounds like a question.
I try my best to elaborate, but it is highly frustrating. I scratch my scalp, for a minute missing having more than peach-fuzz after a week of not shaving my head. "It's weird, Momo: ever since I got here, I keep thinking about Zuko. Worrying about him, wanting to spend time with him around his duties, and… and thinking things about him I probably shouldn't be." I frown to myself. This is different than how I used to think about Katara; with my innocent mind back then, I didn't think about the low-cut neckline of her waterbender clothes, or about doing more than kiss her lips and flushed cheeks.
But lately (and if I count that rather puzzling dream I had that I didn't even remember the details of until recently), what's going through my mind now about Zuko is a lot different, and a lot less innocent. And it is scaring me, because for some reason, I keep allowing the thoughts to invade my mind and linger there, stirring all sorts of mixed emotions.
I close my eyes. I hear Momo jump down from the bed and scurry over to my side, curling up beside my ribcage, his small body warm and fuzzy. I mindlessly pet his big ears back. "I have to figure this out, Momo, before I do something incredibly foolish."
He seems to purr in agreement, easily falling into a lull, nearly asleep.
I jerk up slightly when I hear something outside of my door, a barely-there gust of wind leaking from the crack. Frowning to myself, I sit up completely, leaving Momo on the large pillows as I pad over to the door and push it open to peer down the hallway. I catch movement at the end of it, a figure turning into a bedroom.
The bedroom at he end of the hall, where the Fire Lord resides.
I feel my insides scrunch up tightly and shudder, like a fist squeezing a bag full of caterpillars. Had Zuko been listening to my musings? But why? And… how come I hadn't sensed that he was there?
More importantly, what could he have deduced by what he heard?
I bite my lip, my limbs feelings cold as I unconsciously draw the water from the washing basin on the other side of the room. The water splashes me in the face, a sort of wake-me-up. I shake the water loose from my skin and wipe some of it on my sleeve. I have to get a grip on myself; it feels like I'm losing it.
