TEN REVIEWS OVERNIGHT!! I love you guys! And thus have decided to update today instead of tomorrow.
Disclaimer: Do not own Pogue Parry, though I do own his sister...kinda. Neither do I own the song My Last Breath by Evanescence although it is a wonderful song.
Another note for you at the end of the chapter.
Hold on to me love
You know I can't stay long
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid
Can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms?
Pogue could feel tears stinging his eyes even as the heavy stink of disinfectants and the musty smell of his sister's wasted body stung his nose. She reached out a trembling hand on the end of an arm like a stick.
"Don't cry for me Bear." Her voice was dry and reedy as she brushed her thumb under his eye before the tear had time to fall. He felt his body tremble. Her skin felt like paper and her touch was so gentle, so weak, that he felt more tears threaten.
"I don't know what we'll do without you." He confided. And it was true. His parents hadn't taken the news that their fifteen-year-old ward was dying at all well. His mother had broken down right here in the room and had to be gently pulled away by the nurse for a calming cup of tea. Perhaps worse was his father who had stormed out denying it and raging about stupid incompetent hospital staff. Pogue sighed, this was why he had moved out. The only reason he ever came home was to see her and now that she would be gone soon…
He didn't realise she had put her arms around him and he wrapped his own around her carefully, trying not to crush her fragile body. She was so small and delicate. It was almost like she was already gone. He held on tight and his sobs shook her whole body as she patted his back with her tiny hands.
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you?
Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
She was sleeping now. They didn't know how much longer, they didn't even know if she would wake up this time. The wonders of modern science. He never left for more than a few minutes though, determined not to leave her alone. There was no one else to sit by her bedside, his parents were so absorbed in their own little worlds; pretending everything was alright.
He poked his head around the door and found her clear blue eyes fixed on him. Clearer than they usually were. More lucid.
"Hey." She smiled softly up at him and he sat down beside her. A beam of light slipped through the curtains and fell across the top of her head, lighting up her brittle blonde hair in a blazing mass of gold. In that moment it struck him just what an angel he had for a little sister.
I'll miss the winter
A world of fragile things
Look for me in the white forest
Hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
I know you hear me
I can taste it in your tears
"I wonder if they have snow where I'm going." Pogue jerked and opened his eyes. The chair was not the most comfortable place to sleep but he had refused the nurses earlier offers of a more comfortable place…and a date. He looked over at his sister's bed. Someone had drawn the curtains and turned the small bedside lamp on. It lit the room with a warm, cosy glow and lent some colour to his sister's pale cheeks.
She was staring off into the shadowy corners of the room, her eyes unfocussed. Not one of her better days then.
"I'd like to play in the snow again." Her soft voice trailed off.
He mind was clearing wandering. Disoriented. The doctors had said this might happen. He leant over and carefully wrapped both of his large hands around hers. She jumped slightly and turned her head, her eyes suddenly seeing him. Lighting up and clearing. He fancied that there was reproach in them. She wasn't losing it. She simply operated on a different plane to the one his thoughts ran along. She saw an intricate painting where he saw only a straight line.
"I was just wondering." She whispered. Then she smiled gently and leant back into her pillows, exhausted by the small amount of contact with a world that had hurt her so. Dwarfed by the pile, she closed her eyes slowly. Still smiling, even in her sleep.
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you?
Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
He gently pulled the blankets up to her chin.
"You should sleep some more." He whispered.
Outside the door he could hear his father having another of his shouting matches with the hapless hospital staff. Pogue didn't know what they were arguing about and this time he really didn't care. It wasn't worth being shouted over. He'd moved out to get away from his father's stupid bouts of temper and the only reason he was enduring the man at the moment was because of the tiny girl in front of him and the fact that this might be the last time he would be able to speak with her, hold her in his arms. The voices outside increased their volume as the speakers moved closer to the room and he saw a frown mar his sister's calm forehead. He ran a large hand over her hair, smoothing back the wrinkles as he tugged gently at the knots that being bed bound for so long had left.
"Sleep now. I promise I'll be here when you wake up." Reassured she closed her eyes again and her laboured breathing evened out a little. A little less than it had last time. He wondered, just like he did every time she closed her eyes, if he would be able to keep his promise? Would she wake up again?
Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams will leave you here
But still you wake and know the truth
No one's there
He had only left her for a minute but when he got back he found her weakly bleating his name, her eyes searching wildly. He had quickly dropped the extra blankets he had brought and grabbed one of her hands, gently pushing her back onto her pillows. She sighed, her voice even thinner than it had been before.
"I thought you'd left me."
"I was only gone for a minute." He reassured.
"Please..." Her voice had dropped even lower into a harsh whisper and she pulled him down, her breath hardly reaching his ear "I don't want to die alone. Please don't let me go. Pogue didn't know how to respond to that. He couldn't deny it, should he lie? But he settled for pulling her into a hug, which she gratefully accepted, and switching the talk to happier times. Telling her stories when he could see the effort of communication grow too much. Lifting the cup to her lips when her mouth grew too dry for her to make a sound as the blankets lay forgotten by the door.
Say goodnight
Don't be afraid
Calling me
Calling me as you fade to black
She smiled up at him sweetly as her grip loosened and Pogue wondered if she even saw him or the dim room around them. His father had finally stopped shouting. Apparently someone had found a medical professional to out shout him and the man seemed to be suffering from shock. His mother was sobbing somewhere in the background. He felt her go, saw her eyes close and felt her hand slip from his, but somehow he didn't believe she was gone. He stood up, not sure what he was looking for but certain it would help her. He wandered out and away and within seconds was speeding along the road on his bike.
When reality finally broke in he had to stop. He found himself far away and he was alone. He finally accepted that it was over. For her and for them. After nine long, hard years of illness and pain, midnight rushes to the hospitable as they desperately tried to stop it consuming her body, she was gone. She was free. And so was he. No more excuses about his homework or to Kate and his friends. But if he was free why did he feel like his heart had been torn still beating from his chest. He broke down, tears pouring over his unshaven cheeks as he sobbed on the soaking grass under a tree in the middle of nowhere.
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you?
Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
Sorry if this chapter seems a bit disconnected: it's meant to be snippets of the time he spends with his sister over her last couple of days.
Now there's my shocking revelation of Reid's abuse. Which, if you all review, could be up in the next two days. There might not be an update for a while after that as I sleep off the effects of the newest Harry Potter Book -dances- Excited!
Sammy
