"Send a message to the unborn child, keep your eyes open for a while. In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else. There's a piece of a puzzle known as life wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight. Whatever happened to the young man's heart? Swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart. And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45. Swimming through the ashes of another life. No real reason to accept the way things have changed, staring down the barrel of a .45."
The news is some of the most depressing shit you'll ever see in your life. People suffering, dying for pointless reasons, becoming trapped in a world of lies and deceit. It's amazing that very few of the world's inhabitants try to find a silver lining in life - I was one of those people. I thought life was just a journey of pain and torture and that one day it was up to me to stop the pain with whatever tools I had at my execution. It's amazing how much you really want to live when death is inevitable. But then there are the select few that just don't feel that way. My father was one of those people, his world turned upside down and his life going on a downhill slide that he felt he could never change. I can't honestly say I never knew a sight as horrifying as that of watching someone I loved end their life. I guess to him, the gun was the easiest way, the quickest. A lot of people try the pills approach, normally within the confines of their own sanctuary so no one sees. Imagine staring into the face of who is supposed to be the most important man in your life and watching him cry. What do you say when you never saw it before? What do you say at the age I was? I was a kid, just barely understanding that the world was a cruel place to live - I still believed that everything was beautiful, boy was I wrong. I can still feel his hand burning an imprint on my cheek as he touched me before picking up the revolver, putting it to his temple, and pulling the trigger. The sound was deafening and I never even blinked. My mother said I was in shock, completely damaged and when I finally shed a tear, it was at the hospital where they pronounced him dead. I felt like the walls around me crashed into the very floor that was keeping me from falling into a pit of nothingness. Then my life went to shit - I understood what people meant when they said life wasn't fair and that you might as well suck it up and realize that nothing you imagined would ever be the way you pictured it.
I thought my world was turned upside down then, but now I live in a place where no matter what I want, I have to look at life one day at a time. I don't see it always with rose-colored glasses, but I have learned one very important thing - to value the time that I have. It's not to say that time won't be cut short unexpectedly, but I made the choice to live when death did more then knock on my door - it kicked that motherfucker down. And not only did it do it once, it did it another time when I was stupid enough to think that the answer to all my problems was the darkness my father chose to slip in to. Sometimes I wonder what the man who, well, saved me would say to him if he had the chance to stand before him. What would he tell the man and woman that left me to learn that life is about as big of a pain in the ass as I was when I was a kid?
Please don't cry one tear for me, I'm not afraid of what I have to say. This is my one and only voice so listen close, it's only for today. I just saw Hailey's Comet, she waved, said "Why you always running in place?" Even the Man in the Moon disappeared somewhere in the stratosphere. Tell my mother, tell my father I've done the best I can to make them realize this is my life. I hope they understand. I'm not angry, I'm just saying sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Here is my chance, this is my chance.
John held the book in his hand, reading through the journal entry before leaning against the doorway and watching the young woman after he heard her singing to what she assumed was herself while she worked diligently. She had her iPod headphones in and was clearly not the least bit aware of his presence. Smiling, he closed the book gently and watched her, shaking his head ever so slightly - if he could only teach more people and have them learn the way she did, the world would be a better place.
