Chapter 6- Innocence.
Author's Notes: It's been a while. I'm currently snowed in at home, so I thought I'd get to it.
You would not believe how hard this was getting to my beta. For reasons I still don't get, my laptop decided to go awol and screw me over not once, not twice, but thrice. Three freaking times, I had to redo these same chaps. It didn't annoy me so much that I had to redo it, but the fact I had it exactly how I wanted it the first time round. Gah.
This chapter is short as it had to be split into three. The other parts will be uploaded shortly after, but I'm trying to pace it.
Please, please -I beg you- review. Lol. Yeah, I beg. I have no self-respect. Feel sorry for me.
Scorching my seared heart with a pain, not hell shall make me fear again.
Edgar Allan Poe
Tamerlane, Part II
I watched as twilight descended and the conspicuous woods fell into an innocent silence once more.
It's true what they say: in a world turned upside down there's no sense of time—of gravity.
I felt numb.
Conscious to the fact that layers of grey with brilliant streaks of blinding black pressed against me, suffocating me, spearing me to the ground like a broken statue of terror. My scattered brain was wracking to place things in order, to make sense of it all.
This wasn't happening.
I was abundantly aware now, transfixed as I was, with Seth's memories, that my mind was simply swimming in a raw, violent place.
This couldn't be happening.
But it is. So snap out of it.
Barely breathing, my shaking fingers disentangled from the sandy mesh of pelt and fell lifelessly from either side of Seth's large head. Mere seconds had passed when I watched with baited breath at his recollection of recent events.
Clearly I discerned that Jake wasn't in any immediate danger. This Nayha seemed positively fascinated with him.
So she wouldn't hurt him.
Not unless he was the first to antagonise, that is. And I was telling myself he wouldn't do that to me.
I had to keep telling myself that.
I was distantly aware then, of Seth's massive, concerned eyes silently scrutinizing my face.
Waiting.
I chose to ignore this. My main priority right now was to find Jacob.
How, though? That was next to impossible for me. I wasn't strong or remotely good at tracking.
Hell, my family couldn't find this chick.
And for me to be out like this, it was like asking a domestic cat to fend for itself in the freaking Amazon.
Yes. This was precisely what this was.
Ironically, I spent most of my life never once feeling powerless. Amongst powerful Godlike creatures, it made me feel slightly inferior, yes, but never completely incapable.
Not until now, that is.
Emmett always told me something that –until now- I never quite appreciated. I think it was safe to say I was a little cub compared to the fierce lions. And that's exactly how he worded it. Aside from it being easily viewed as a dig at both my lack of humanity and immortality, he, of course, was saying it in a lovingly teasing, affectionate way. Well, for him, it was a show of love and affection. To the rest of the world, maybe abuse, I'm not sure.
I knew I wasn't exactly on par with the world's most powerful predators and so I couldn't help agreeing with the analogy. I am for all intents and purposes, a baby, compared to the ferocious lions that is.
It was something that –again until now- silently disgruntled me.
Indeed as realisation hit me, I noticed my trembling fingers –as if on their own accord- coasting small circles on some plaited leather chords.
A present Jacob had given me so long ago, during my first Christmas; I knew it was also the most beautiful gift I had ever received. I let my fingers hover over the surface and relished the feeling of the complex folds, usually so comforting to me.
Briefly, I smiled, recalling feeling absolutely delighted when I first received such a personally crafted gift. I remember my eyes were full of wonder that day. For the first time in my short life, I felt hope. Hope that my family would survive, despite me ruining everything. Hope in that I would get to stay with my mom.
Jake made me feel that.
I tried to fight back the swelling tears as I continued to let my fingers glide over the bracelet.
A gift I sported on my left wrist, this was a self-soothing reflex I had adopted whenever Jacob would leave to go back to the reservation.
The bracelet was pretty. It was nothing I had ever seen before. I remember it thrilled me.
In fact, so overjoyed was I, I didn't quite understand why Edward stiffened at the very sight of it. I even remember shoving it in his face later, just to show him how pretty it really was in case he didn't get a good look at it before.
Often, this was what I did. When things got tough, and Jake wasn't around, this was what I did –a totally unconscious, strange reflexive thing.
Old habits die hard, I guess.
If I was ever tense or afraid… whether it was over exams, over terrifying nightmares involving the Volturi …or simply when I was struggling to shrug off a guy who just couldn't take 'no' for an answer…
This helped.
It was something I only ever did when I was sick with fear or paralysed with nerves. Strange as I know it to sound, it felt like I had a little piece of Jacob Black with me, giving me strength when I needed it the most.
I was acutely aware it was a strange coping mechanism I had inadvertently adopted. I didn't quite know why, but growing up, my father would often look at me with a strange mixture of hurt and what appeared to be reluctant acceptance in his eyes. He'd look unmistakably sad, and I could never understand why.
I just didn't get that.
I knew it was a little unconventional, but what part of my life ever truly was?
It just felt like I had Jacob's strength when I simply felt the most weak. To a child, it made me feel absolutely invincible. It felt like Jake was standing right behind me, as I attempted to venture into the unknown on my own.
Like when I went for my college interview without telling anyone. Or when I got my first job DJ-ing on campus…
So now, what do I do?
Wracking my brain, my thoughts were back on one thing. I couldn't help not being alert to the fact that she took an unhealthy liking to Jacob.
Distantly I was aware the kettle was calling the pot, but clearly, she was fascinated with him.
Why?
I couldn't shake it off. A part of me wondered why? Why Jacob? It was an immensely selfish, conceited thought, but it came from a part of me who asked why not one of the others? Why him?
But then I knew why. I knew exactly why.
Of course she wanted him. He was Jacob Black. Strong, boyish, annoying Jacob. Loveable and selfless-to-the-core Jacob Black.
In my ten years I picked up on a few things. He broke the rules. He forgave quickly. When he loves, he loves truly. And when he laughs, really laughs- he laughs uncontrollably. It was often a sound that- as a child, made me feel like I could fly.
Then there was his shocking smile. It was a smile that would often leave me reeling. A heart-stopping smile that I had no doubt, could light up the world.
I had to stop with this. I was wasting time.
Quickly trying to get a grip and wracking my mind, I thought briefly of where this voice wanted Jake to go.
My bracelet wasn't helping.
"Nessie?"
What exactly was he thinking?
That's the thing: he wasn't thinking.
And then in that tortured moment, I was lost. I could barely hear Nahuel's muffled voice in the distance. A strange, surreal feeling, considering my audible range was perfect and I knew him to be standing directly to my right.
"Renesmee?!" he prodded impatiently this time.
Where would she take him?
I felt someone shake me violently then.
"What did you see?" Nahuel asked.
I blinked. My motor skills were clearly failing me and so I simply made a robotic jerk of the head- a small motion in acknowledgement.
Was I in shock?
I took one rigid step back, silently rebuffing the whole thing. I had to get a grip.
How long ago had this all occurred? Excluding Leah, his whole pack was forced to stay behind.
Quickly, I replayed what I had just seen again. Seth's memory notified me of a rough time frame. The natural light during the day was swiftly falling into imminent darkness.
Good. Not long ago.
Then my scattered, myriad of thoughts were absorbed on a minute detail: what Jake had last instructed Seth and the others to do…
Just protect her. Do whatever you need to, to keep her safe -and don't follow me…
As realisation dawned on me, like a deluge of much-needed breath of air, my head immediately whipped back up to look back at Seth, "Phase back." I instructed, my voice hoarse with un-use.
If there was ever a loophole in Jacob's instruction- in his seemingly unbreakable alpha command, I knew this to be it. To help protect me, whatever the cost, could I not ask for Seth to follow me? To help me?
My heart leapt into my mouth at the mere possibility of overriding the impossibly restricting alpha directive, but I knew it was the only way.
Vain hope was all I had right now.
Seth eyed me doubtfully. I realised it was perhaps a strange request.
"Nessie, you want to let me in on what's going on please?" Nahuel requested, his voice unusually even.
I didn't want to look away from the pack to see what Nahuel looked like, to reassure my friend. He sounded worried for me, which I can't really blame him for as I must've looked like a decrepit zombie.
He held my comparatively small hand and squeezed it, enveloping it in a kind, wringing warmth. Though I knew this to be a gesture of comfort, it was next to impossible to feel anything, let alone at ease- certainly not after what I had just seen.
I tried to force a smile on for him. "I promise I'll let you in on everything." I replied, trying to sound as soft and reassuring as ever. It was strange though, to hear my answer coming out a struggling, rasping whisper.
With my new found man-voice, which would most likely have the adverse effect of much needed assurance, I supposed I'd make up for with a brief, reassuring squeeze back of his consoling hand.
He wouldn't let it go.
My only wolf uncle rather abruptly stiffened. His previously trembling, struggling form no longer buckling.
I stopped breathing in anticipation. This was working. This was actually working?
"Phase back, and help me. That's what he wanted, right? To keep me safe?" I probed encouragingly.
He cocked his large head to the side again, a look of inner conflict now. With a pang of guilt, I was aware this must be a difficult thing for them to attempt. Going against their alpha's words, I had heard, was near enough impossible. But then this was a mere technicality. Jacob's words supplied a loop hole. If protecting me at any cost was anything to go by, I was sure if I asked them to phase back and help me, it would be feasible...
"Phase back, and help me, Uncle Seth." I repeated, beseechingly.
"Ness…" Nahuel spoke softly- as if pitying me. I can't imagine why. I felt strong. I sounded strong. "Ness, I don't think they can, Carnala."
I didn't take me determined gaze off of Seth and Embry. Their previously struggling forms momentarily stopped buckling under the force of the alpha.
I blinked back the tears, only now aware that my face was wet. Was this what Nahuel was pitying? I quickly wiped them away and focused my attention on Jake's pack. Could this be working? I briefly tore my watch from them both, only to let my eyes wash over the formerly struggling forms of Collin, Brady and the others.
Seth's massive form began to violently tremor.
Shit. This was working. In wanting to give them privacy as they phased back into their human forms, I turned to look away and met Nahuel's frustrated eyes.
"Long story cut short, she's forced him to leave his pack and go after her alone." I explained a deadpan voice unrecognisable to me.
I watched, as Nahuel silently took this all in, his striking mocha features serious and critical. He also looked confused. "I don't understand. Why would he abandon them? He's the leader, no?"
I sighed and nodded arduously.
"I thought the functional premise of a wolf pack is to move in synchronization? One mind, one body?" Nahuel questioned again, a little more stiffly this time.
I cleared my throat to answer when a familiar voice interrupted my efforts. Inside, I was grateful as can be right now, I just couldn't let myself dwell on the reasons why and more specifically on the actual situation itself- of him…alone…with her.
"He didn't abandon us. He wanted to protect us." Embry replied indignantly, his voice restrained from pending hostility. "As for the reasons why, well…have a look. This bloodsucker's a little on the en fuego. He didn't have a choice. He felt he needed to do what he had to do for the good of his pack."
Tension hovered as thick as fog between the two men. And I really didn't have time for this.
"I intended no offence by my-"
"Judgements? Your scrutiny?" Embry interrupted.
I held my breath. Was this seriously happening?
Nahuel smiled wryly, raising an equally cynical brow. "And I suppose you and your precious pack have never done the very same thing? Judging and condemning before understanding?"
Now I was confused. I frowned. "Hold up. When have they ever done that?" In my ten years of knowing the Quiluete shifters, they've never committed any wrongdoing; they've never harmed, or wrongfully judged anyone either.
Without wanting to tear a silently lethal case of the evils away from Embry, Nahuel cocked his head slightly towards me. "I'm sure your pet will explain that story when he feels you're old enough, Renesmee." He answered softly. "Another decade should do it, right Embry?"
I heard Embry wire his jaw shut, clenching it tightly, as if trying to stop himself from saying something he knew he'd regret later. "That was a long time ago and we didn't know any better. You of all people should know cutting the chains of old beliefs is a little difficult."
"You really consider that an excuse? Old prejudices die hard?"
Embry sighed. "Something like that. I mean, we had an impulse. It was the wrong impulse, but we acted on it anyway." He explained, careful not to sound too defensive. "And you forget, friend, back then, we were only new at this."
Nahuel laughed this time. It was a dry, deploring sound- very unlike him. "Well, whatever makes you pups sleep at night." He said quietly, attempting to shrug it off.
"So you've never made any mistakes in the past?" Nahuel was quiet. "We didn't know any better." Embry repeated stiffly. "We didn't know we were fighting against fate. He of all people knows that and regrets it every damn day…"
Nahuel raised a cynical brow again. "Does he now?"
Embry pursed his lips this time. "Look, I don't care if you believe me or not, but I know how much he hated what he was like before she came into his life, alright? I was there. I was living it along side him. We all were. It's just like you said, one pack, one mind."
Nahuel turned away then and tried in vain, to muffle his understated laugh. It sounded more like he was choking.
What on earth were they talking about? I didn't realise they all had shared history…
But then somehow at the back of my mind, I discerned that perhaps his new found bessie, Rose, is behind whatever Nahuel has on the pack.
I think I'd have to ask her later…
"We didn't know how things were meant to fall in to place." Embry continued, ignoring Nahuel's evident deriding.
"Convenient." He responded, sobering up almost immediately.
I didn't like this. "What are you guys talking about?" I finally interrupted. Was this even relevant?
They both remained silent, wordlessly scathing each other now.
Okay…
"Care to let us all in on this seemingly ambiguous bitch fest?" My eyes shot between the two imposing men, both had their large arms crossed over their chests. "Only, we're wasting time here."
It seemed this did it. As if effective immediately, everything came to a standstill, a dramatic halt. Every pair of hopeful eyes in the arrowhead-shaped clearing was on me, looking expectantly.
"She's right." Seth's voice finally interrupted the silence of mounting hostility. He turned to me and eyed me questioningly again. "What did you have in mind, Ness?"
This felt so strange. Instructing a pack of experienced fighters was just…so very strange.
"First, where is he?" I asked to no one in particular. Locating Jake's trail myself was next to impossible it seemed and I knew that until I had ordered them to phase back, they were still mentally linked to their alpha and so it only made sense for them to know his most recent location.
"She only lets Seth see what she's up to…" Embry responded, shrugging. "We still don't get why that is. Edward thinks she doesn't have a choice and says it's because his thoughts are 'pure and innocent.'" He let out a dry snort.
If the situation wasn't so serious, I would seriously be mulling over the overflow of jokes hurled at poor Seth because of my dad's posited theorising.
"And all I could really see were blurring trees… lots and lots of freaking trees." Seth added sheepishly.
That helps immensely…
"The location was indistinct. I think he was deliberately trying to keep me out of the loop, knowing we'd try and get to him any way we could…" Seth explained despondently, his far-away eyes slightly glazed over. "Nessie, there's no way for us to get to him if he's ordered us to stay here."
The situation was therefore very clear to me.
We were screwed.
"I'd never seen him like that. All these years, and he's never used the alpha card on us…" Collin piped up.
Momentarily ignoring Collin, I thought back to what Jacob was doing. He had effectively placed her exact location and was attempting to use her attempts to lure him in, against her.
I hoped.
That's certainly what I would do…
"She could control our movements…could stun us. What he did, was a little on the stupid side, I'll admit, but he did it to get us out of it." Embry snapped at Collin, sticking up for his best friend.
"No, I know, Em-"
Embry ignored him, "He didn't want all of us hanging around. He did this for us." I didn't miss the quiet strain in his voice. "I hope Leah's having more luck with the Cullens…"
I swallowed hard. My family.
Crap.
Far from the memories of home, my mind had-for the first time since sneaking out -only briefly, wondered back to them all. Wondering where they were right about now, if they were fraught with worry and angry with me, as I knew they would be…
I bit my lip.
"Ness…" Someone's soft gravely voice quickly brought me back to the here and now- away from me questioning exactly how much shit I was going to be in with my parents. "Ness…"
I looked up to find Seth standing directly in front of me now. His warm, smiling eyes reminded me so much of Jake right now, I literally ached all over.
In the back of my mind, I knew this need for him was getting ridiculous now. I was more aware that this seriously irrational withdrawal was beginning to get pathetic. I knew this, but why didn't that stop me from heading back home?
"There's one way to find Jake now. It's a long shot, but considering-"
"Considering she's fucking up our senses, you're the only one able to do this." Embry interrupted, his expression sombre.
"That's not exactly how I'd word it, but yeah." Seth said reprovingly, as he returned his gaze back to me. He shrugged all the same.
"Okay…" I said slowly and quietly wondering why me?
Even so, I'd wasted enough time simply thinking. "What are we waiting for?"
Seth flashed a small smile. "It involves you though, Ness."
Well I had gathered…
Reproaching myself, I pushed the silent, yet impatient retort aside. It wasn't Seth's fault I was like this, after all.
"What do you want me to do?" I asked, trying to register it all.
My mind was simply swimming.
He hesitated for a moment. "This is going to sound a little crazy, but just trust us, okay?" he asked a little dubious now.
Again, I bit back my impatience. This need for Jake was taking on a whole new level of ridiculousness. "Alright." I conceded softly.
"Okay, well…remember what Jake said to you, when you were a kid?"
There were many things Jacob had said to me as a kid, I thought, trying to stifle an impatient groan.
Shaking that out of the way, I smiled, however. "More specifically. Uncle Seth?"
"Right. About how…sometimes, if you two were ever apart… all you had to do was close your eyes and er…will him into your line of vision?"
I was still as stone for a moment. My eyes the shapes of undeniable saucers, I didn't even breathe as I took his words in.
Indeed, his suggestion briefly stopped me cold.
Promptly, my mind narrowed down the specific conversation he was referring to. It was a painful memory that I never liked to refer back to if I could help it. A memory involving my best friend- my only best friend, saying good-bye for the first time.
The first out of many good-byes…
And then I laughed, realising what Seth wanted me to do. I just laughed. It was a shaky cry, bordering onto a hysterical noise that sounded so foreign and unfamiliar to me, I thought I was riding an out of body experience.
I did remember this. And frankly, I didn't take Jacob seriously even back then.
The reason being, I was a small kid far too distraught about him leaving us after we had only just settled in to our New Hampshire home.
I wired my eyes firmly shut, reliving the brief flash of recall...
A/N- Innocence- Avril
Not gonna lie- I had 'Love so alike' from the Tristan and Isolde soundtrack. I urge any of you who are overly sentimental and/or slash emotional (and cry for absolutely no reason sometimes,) to listen to this. Makes my heart cry. Cry.
My bumchum from across the pond (a pond) supplied the title for this chap. Pinkpower- Thank you, thank you, thank youuu. :D
To all-
Sorry I left it on a cliff-hanger last chap. :S Blame my idiot laptop. Thank you so much to those who took the time to review. It really does mean a lot to get any kind of feedback. Thank you also, for taking this ride with me. :)
Again- I know I'm a bit of a biz-nitch for this chapter. Had to be done.
