I've been thinking of either writing a story from Brooke's point of view or including separate chapters from her side... I can't really write more from Julian's perspective until tomorrow night. SOOOO here's Brooke...
Chapter 4 - part 2
This was quite possibly the hardest thing that Brooke Davis has ever done. Well, not this particular moment, but just her general, brilliant, decision to work with Julian on Alex's movie. She hated to mope and complain, because this was her decision... she didn't have to agree and help. But lord help her, she wanted no she needed an excuse to stay in Julian's life. As pathetic as it may sound, she was invigorated by the fact that he possibly needed her and that he came to her for assistance. That had to mean something, right?
She hated to bother him at work, but if she was being honest, she looked for reasons to approach him. She always made sure it was professional and quick, she didn't want to come off being desperate (she was) or pathetic (she was). This morning was no different, she grabbed her notebook and practically marched into Julian's office. Her hurried pace, defied her self-consciousness and she eagerly gripped the notebook in front of her chest as if it were a life preserver. Her pace slowed considerably and she wished she could turn and flee when she saw the evidence of his stressful job etched across his entire body.
"Hey..." Really?! Is that the best she could do?! She couldn't help but be reminded of that sappy chick flick, An Affair to Remember, that she watched with Haley back when they were roommates. What kind of girl can only say "hello" when confronted by the man she loves? "How's everything going?" she quickly added, she was not going to be a cliche!
She listened intently as Julian described the problem with a scene from the film. She was grateful that he was sharing his problem with her... okay, so she knew it wasn't much. He's probably already told this to everyone on set, including the guy who only spoke Spanish, but it made her feel a little special that he was including her. He could've given the customary "fine" but he was choosing to be a little more open with her, and she hated herself just a little bit more, for it making her hopeful.
"What's the scene?" She had read the script back when he and ho-bag were busy working on it, but now she relied upon Julian's break downs and descriptions to plan the wardrobe. She was trying to think of which scene that could cause Julian so much worry.
Julian slowly stands and Brooke quickly swallows at his movement towards her. She is always impressed by his height and his lean build, and she isn't really sure where it originated but she is a sucker for his plaid button-down shirts. His outfits are more about comfort than style, and as a world famous fashion designer, she should be put-off. Because let's face it, Julian Baker is never going to make a "Best Dressed" list! Instead, she is shockingly drawn to his quirky and relaxed clothing choices, and she loves it because it suits him.
"It's the one where he leaves her."
If this was that old Batman cartoon or comic strip, there would be a huge star, flame, shape thingy that would proclaim "Bam!" or "Pow!" Damn it! It wasn't so much the scene she knew he was talking about, but it was the way he fucking said it... and the way he crinkled his eyebrows. Seriously, like NOW he is going to be concerned about her?! NOW he is going to try and be all Mr. Sensitive to how she might feel?! She wanted to throw the freaking notebook at him and walk out, but she didn't. She was a professional, and she was going to be strong, and he was going to see that he was a freaking idiot for dumping her.
"Oh... well, I think all girls understand the moment there's another girl. So maybe it's more about what they don't say." Ka-bam! to you Producer Boy! She was proud of herself for not backing down and sounding a hell of a lot stronger than she actually felt. They were obviously talking about more than just a scene from the movie, and she was surprised that his face looked so frustrated.
Uh oh... Julian was moving closer towards her. He didn't reach very far, but they hadn't been physically close to one another in weeks, and they hadn't been emotionally close in what felt like a life time. "Actually, I was thinking he doesn't say enough, you know? I mean she's got to know that he loved her. I mean if she doesn't, he has to find the words to convince her."
Loved... as in past tense? She had to gulp to keep from letting out an audible sound that encompassed all of her misery. How can he already be talking about their love in the past tense?! What difference does it make if it is in the past... why does he need to convince her? Why is it always words with him? A hundred other questions littered her mind, but wanted to keep up the pretense of talking about the "movie," so she shot him an easy question instead. "And what are those words?"
"I don't yet, but I'm going to find them. I mean the movie depends on it." At first she thought he was going to give her a trademark Julian Baker grin, but there was just the hint of one. She knew that he was attempting to reach out to her, but she was sick of words! Words, words, words... why is it that boys think that words can make everything better? There were no words left to say, she needed him to act instead of crafting more words. He continued to stand still, not moving forward towards her, and she was tired of being the one to reach out to him. Looking at Julian standing firmly in his spot, she knew there would be no actions now, tomorrow, or quite possibly ever.
"Right... well, then... I should get back to work." She gave him a forced half smile that she knew didn't reach her eyes and turned on her heel to leave the office. With this recent exchange lingering in her ears, it was actually a lot easier leaving his office than it was entering it a few minutes ago. Unfortunately, that did little to convince Brooke this was the right thing and didn't make it any easier to keep her tears from falling.
Amusement and exasperation were in Julian's eyes. Alex had just stepped out of the makeshift dressing area, and Brooke knew that it wasn't the sexiest or best outfit she could've chosen for Alex. Maybe she did that intentionally... okay, okay , so... she did choose it intentionally, but this was just the first fitting! Brooke knew that nothing ever fit perfectly at first, and it was customary to adjust to the body and sizes of each particular actor or model. You'd think Julian would know that by now after working on a gazillion films.
He actually turned to her and asked her to make Alex sexier! It took a lot of self control to keep Brooke from saying something sarcastic and mean when he added, "not slutty." Why shouldn't she make Alex look exactly like the manipulative, ho-bag, bitch that she was?! But, she was a freaking professional and she had to remind herself that she was trying to be friends with Julian, so if that meant being professional towards Alex... then so be it.
Striding over to the unusually quiet Alex, Brooke started talking about the adjustments she would make to Alex's wardrobe. She didn't have to look or speak directly to Alex in order to do her job, so she wasn't going to go out of her way. She immediately grabbed the sleeves and began to roll them up, when she had to stop. There were the unavoidable, unmistakable scars from Alex's unstable past staring up at Brooke. The scars seemed to glare at her, accusing her of being inconsiderate and intolerant towards Alex's dependency on Julian. She looked into Alex's eyes for the first time, and she saw what Julian probably saw. She saw a scared girl, filled with self-doubt, and Brooke thought again about the similarities between them. She started unrolling the sleeves, and dismissed Julian's suggestion while she focused on the lower hem of Alex's skirt.
Julian left to go attend to some other pressing matter, and Brooke knew it was inevitable that she would eventually have to be alone with Alex. She definitely didn't want the chick to mistake her earlier actions as some type of friendship invitation. I mean they weren't about to have a slumber party and do facials... She didn't trust Alex, and she wasn't sure if she ever would. There was a part of her that could never forgive Alex for her cruelty about her infertility, but that didn't mean that she had to be cruel in return. Brooke prided herself on her maturity and growth since her high school days.
"You didn't have to do that... with the sleeves." Good the ho-bag looks guilty. Well, she should feel guilty! Brooke isn't about to offer her shoulder for Alex to come and cry on, so she needs to convince Alex that it wasn't about the scars, but all about appearances. "I know... It looks better like this." Back to business, Brooke turned to retrieve a couple of choices for Alex. Great now Alex is trying to be nice by not being able to decide?! Arrrgghhh! Brooke automatically pushes one of the outfits out towards Alex, she doesn't have time for Alex's fake indecisive bullshit.
"Brooke, I'm sorry that you and Julian broke up." Does Alex actually have the audacity to try and apologize or offer her sympathy?! Brooke is familiar with the whole apologizing process with rehab, and she knows that Alex isn't sorry at all. Looking at Alex's fidgeting and nervousness, Brooke can tell by Alex's eyes that she still loves, lusts, likes, whatever Julian.
"Okay..." How the hell is she supposed to respond to Alex's "apology"? Alex's sincerity is about as genuine as the day she marched into COB with fertility pamphlets. If it weren't for Julian, this bitch would be on the ground... or was it because of Julian that she wanted to slap Alex? Either way, Brooke wasn't interested in any other little girlie bonding chats with Alex, and she wanted to make that clear with as few words as possible.
"Okay, I'll try this on." Alex turned to put on the clothes that Brooke just handed to her, and Brooke was able to fortunately leave this little portion of the uncomfortableness behind.
Watching Alex going through her scene, Brooke knew there were problems. She wasn't Roger Ebert, but she knew that Alex wasn't nailing the scene. She also knew Julian, and his tense posture and sour expression was enough to tell her that Alex needed to do better. She was thankful that Paul was here, reaching out to Julian, but she also understood how much more pressure and stress it caused him.
After some terse words with Paul, Julian made his way to Alex. It felt like a thousand little daggers into her heart as she watched Julian gently lift Alex's face and caress her with his encouraging words. She felt cold and alone as the director and actress connected over the words they created together. Brooke didn't feel any victorious vindication as she watched the two hug after Alex finally completed the scene. She felt hollow, and she knew she had never wanted to be wrong more than right now as she saw the looks exchanged between Alex and Julian.
Why the hell did she agree to do this?? Julian didn't need her... he could have gotten anyone to do the wardrobe for this film, because let's face it... this wasn't exactly stretching it wardrobe wise! It wasn't like this was a period piece or anything, this was basically the way everyone dressed, and he didn't need an actual fashion designer to help him. She was tempted to quit and to simply walk away, but then that would be officially admitting that things were actually over with Julian. She just didn't know if she ready to do that yet, even if the proof was rubbing all over each other right in front of her face.
Instead of quitting, Brooke headed over to Tric for a much needed afternoon cocktail. Remembering back to her first "business meeting" with Julian, she knew that she could work and enjoy a glass of wine or two. Relieved to see the empty bar she felt comfortable heading over to the relatively new bartender, Grubbs, for a little friendly conversation.
Grubbs wasn't obviously sexy like Owen, but he was much more competent than Chase. There was something gentle in his eyes and his tone. She hated to be the typical bar patron who spilled their guts to the bartender, but there was something about Grubbs that told her it was okay... he had been there too.
So when Grubbs asked, she opened up and she talked to him. She felt she didn't have anyone she could really talk to about everything anymore. Peyton was off in family land with Lucas, and their phone conversations were becoming increasingly sporadic. She knew that she could call and talk to her, but how could she tell her about her current problems with Julian without Peyton thinking it really had to do with her? Haley had been great, but she didn't really get it. She just saw this as a bump in the road or a temporary detour, and wasn't able to really understand her issues because let's face it... Nathan had been whipped after their first tutoring session! Besides, Haley's hands were full with her own family drama, and she felt like a broken record, constantly bitching about Julian. Victoria had been really impressive in her support, but she was still a little hesitant to just start sharing with her mother. Sometimes a stranger was the perfect person to share your heartache with, especially a stranger who has been there, done that. Alexander had been wonderful and listened to her bitch and whine about Julian and Alex, but he was a guy and it just wasn't the same.
Crap... this was the last time she talks to a stranger about her problems with Julian. Seriously, what kind of name is Grubbs anyway?! His ex is with someone else now?! Of course... this was destiny's weird kind of way to tell her to get over it already, because this was going to be her future. Damn Julian for his mixed signals, damn Alex for her sexy vulnerability, damn Grubbs for his honesty, and damn herself for not begging Julian to stay, and damn Julian for walking away and not staying like he promised he would.
"How did you know it was over?" she was such the stereotypical heart broken little girl. She had promised herself a long time ago, that she wouldn't do that, that she wouldn't find herself here again. But... here she was, drinking sparkling water of all things and whining to a hippie, grungy bartender.
He knew she was gone because she stopped saying she missed him?? Well, fuck! When was the last time Julian told her that? When was the last time Julian talked about something other than the movie? Well, okay the earlier conversation they had might have been about them, but he said "loved" as in past tense. Grubbs was depressing as hell, because he confirmed what she essentially already knew... Julian was gone.
After polishing off her bottle of water, she made her way back to the studio to finish the day's filming. She was expecting Alexander to bring over one of their suits for the men's collection, and Jamie was supposed to come by to visit too. She decided to set up in the "kitchen" of the set so that she didn't have to watch Julian and Alex get all lovey dovey over her acting.
Scribbling into her notebook, Brooke thought she should have brought her laptop because who really uses a notebook anymore?! Sitting at the table, she wasn't really able to hear Alex and Julian discussing the scene from the front of the set. She was completely engrossed in her notes, when she head Alexander's Australian voice calling her "beauty." She squealed in excitement to see the suit that he brought with him. She was actually a little disappointed he didn't call her "boss," she was getting to be pretty fond of his little nicknames for her and their working relationship.
Examining the suit, she made a suggestion for some adjustments and felt a mixture of excitement and disappointment when he announced they would be ready to unveil in a month. Despite the large corporation of COB, Brooke had never worked so closely and well with another person on the creative designing aspects of the business. She knew that Alexander was only a consultant, and he had numerous other projects, but she hoped that he would be willing to stick around for a little while after the men's line launched.
Of course... here comes Alex! Brooke started making some adjustments to Alex's shirt and couldn't help but be perturbed when Alexander unabashedly proclaimed, "You look hot!" Alex giggled and smiled in appreciation of Alexander's compliment, and Brooke wanted to smack both of them. She just didn't understand why every male seemed to fall under Alex's spell, and she gave him a withering look while shooting down his attempts to help her adjust Alex's shirt.
She didn't know if she wanted to barf or trip Alex as she pushed her back towards Julian. "Really?!" she couldn't help but question Alexander as he watched Alex saunter back to Julian. She thought that Alexander had better taste in women, but then she remembered some of his conquests in New York and rolled her eyes as he defended his lust. "She is pretty hot."
"Another guy hypnotized by Alex! She's like a freaking siren." She didn't know why Alexander's appreciation of Alex pissed her off so much. Oh, because Alex already had Julian and now she was getting her slutty hands on one of her last remaining friends. She was going to have to spray Mouth down with Alex-repellant.
"Hey, no woman is as alluring as you Brooke Davis." Wow, he lays it on pretty thick when he's trying to dig his way out of trouble. She had her bullshit meter face on, and Alexander knew that Brooke wasn't as gullible as the women he usually approached. He quickly excused himself to head back to work, and Brooke suddenly felt guilty (like she always does) about lashing out at him. She knew she didn't have any right to Alexander, and it didn't matter who he thought was attractive. She honestly had no romantic notions about him because she was still completely in love with Julian, the butt-head, Baker. She just really appreciated him for standing beside her through some pretty shitty recent moments.
"Hey... I appreciate you being around. I know you didn't sign up for a lot of this." She didn't want to push Alexander away too. She really did value his friendship and their working relationship. If she was being completely honest, she also appreciated his flirtatious words and looks since Julian sure wasn't going there and was giving all of his affection to Alex. Julian's rejection of her made her doubt herself, and she doubted if she would ever be worthy of someone else's love.
"No worries... I'm here for whatever you need." Brooke was pleasantly surprised with the small kiss that Alexander placed on her cheek. She wasn't interested in Alexander romantically, and he knew that. She definitely wasn't leading Alexander on in any capacity, but it was nice. He could kiss her on the cheek and she felt a little bit of love, not romantically, but the love a person has for a friend. Alexander had quickly become an important person in her life, and she really didn't know how she would've handled Julian's break up and now this movie without him.
Sitting in one of the director's chairs, Brooke tapped her fingernails impatiently. She had been waiting for Julian for over thirty minutes and she was beginning to get pissed that he was so inconsiderate of her time... still. Finally! Julian made his way over to the empty seat next to her, and she picked up the outfits for his approval. "So Alexander's kind of a tool, huh?" She looked over at Julian surprised by his tone, and his defensive position. His arms were crossed and his face held the same expression as when he was mocking Nick Lachey at Lucas and Peyton's wedding. Was he jealous??
She wasn't going to play whatever kind of weird game Julian was trying to draw her into. She held up the pieces and defended Alexander, "By tool, you mean really good designer." How dare he say shit about Alexander after the way he drooled and dropped everything to be with Alex!
"Yeah, tool." He responded smugly with the hint of a grin on his lips. If it had been any other moment, Brooke would've been happy to see that he was jealous or she would have been weak at the prospect of seeing his lethal grin. But it wasn't any other time, it was now, and she wasn't going to sit here and listen to his ridiculous shit. Folding the clothes in her lap, Brooke reminded him of who he chose, "Wow! And I was just going to tell you that you did a really good job with Alex on that scene today."
His facial expression immediately changed, and softened, even if his arms remained crossed tightly across his chest. Brooke continued to try and make him feel guilty for implying anything negative about Alexander, "And then I was maybe going to tell you that you were a natural." Okay, so that last one wasn't trying to make him feel guilty. She was complimenting him and trying to show him that she believed in him, and saw his natural ability at this. Damn her, she hated herself for being catty and she hated herself for softening towards him. She loved him, and she didn't know what to do.
"Don't be so hard on yourself." Brooke knew that Julian was stressed, and insecure about his ability to direct a movie. She knew how much this was eating at him and she wanted to take him in her arms, kiss him, and assure him that she believed in him. She knew that he could and would be a successful director... he was born to do this. She just wished it wasn't on this particular film, with this particular home-wrecking actress.
"Is this too hard on you?"
Was he actually asking about her and her feelings? She didn't know how to respond to him asking about her, and how filming could be difficult for her. She wanted to tell him, that it was excruciating and she was miserable, but she was filled with love and pride as she watched him doing something he so obviously loved. So she did what she always did... she swallowed her feelings, and she took the pain. "I'm okay." She hoped to hell that her voice or her face didn't give her away. She wanted to be strong, she had to be strong.
Thank G-d for Paul! He couldn't have come to interrupt Julian's little soul searching stare at a better time. She was a little guilty for leaving Julian to deal with an obviously upset Paul, but she was relieved and she had to get some distance from Julian.
It was almost the end of the day, and Brooke Davis was freaking tired. How in the world did Julian pull these long days when he was working?! She was accustomed to frantic paces to reach deadlines, but they weren't spent constantly on her feet and on the move. The brief working relationship she had with Julian on Lucas's movie, didn't last long... I mean they never got into the real production with actual shooting of film. This was... wow! It just gave her a whole new appreciation for Julian's work, and a little part of her knew how much he missed it here in Tree Hill, even if it was only for a couple of weeks.
She was gloriously, mindlessly arranging clothes when ho-bag appeared for some more awkward and forced bonding. "All the clothes are really great." Alex tried to be all chummy with her, but it just wasn't going to happen. It was hard enough for her to be here, but befriending Alex was just too much.
"Rough day, huh?" Geeezzz.... Alex just won't take silence as a hint! The bitch took my money, she gave my friend a crack-whore makeover, and she took my man... what the hell does she want from me that I haven't already rolled over and given her?!
"I've had plenty of those." No, thanks to you - bitch!
"Guess, they're going around..." Ok, maybe I'm a bitch... the girl just tried to kill herself. Arrrgggghhh! Quit your moping, Davis! It could always be worse... and remember, you're better than this. You're better than treating a girl who is definitely trying to heal as nothing.
"Alex... you're doing good." It pained her to say it, even though she saw how much Alex's face lit up with the compliment. Can you really call it a compliment?! I mean it was pretty pathetic, but she just couldn't muster up anything more inspirational for her. She wished she could, she wished she could be that girl, that person... but she still hated the girl in front of her, and she couldn't truly forgive her for what she took from her. She knew that Alex didn't take Julian, but because of her she had lost her faith and her trust in Julian... and she didn't know how she was ever going to get it back, especially now with this movie.
She was finishing up in the wardrobe section when she heard and saw the lights slowly going out in the studio. She could still make out a path to the exit in the darkness, and she grabbed her purse eager to leave for the night. Out of the shadows, Julian stepped forward and stood underneath one of the spotlights. He didn't see her, and she didn't make her presence immediately known. For a few seconds, hell maybe minutes, she watched him. She watched him looking out over the set of his movie, and she could see all of his doubts and all of his fears. He seemed lost, and almost cloaked in uncertainty and failure. She wanted to go to him, to reassure him that he was amazing and awe inspiring and to hold him in her arms... but she didn't.
Eventually, she couldn't bear to see him so vulnerable and alone, and she made her way out of the wardrobes. As much as she wanted to go to him, she stopped short underneath her own light, she wasn't ready to share his even if she wanted to.
"Well, for what it's worth... I think you're doing great." If her words could have half the effect on Julian, that they did on Alex, Brooke would've been willing to talk all night. She would've stood in that spot and proclaimed his talent for him to remember and cherish when he was feeling insecure and uncertain.
"Coming from you, that means everything."
She wished he said more... she wished he did more. Couldn't he see it in her eyes? She missed him! She needed him and she was trying, she was reaching out to him... why couldn't he have chosen her?
"Hey Brooke... I miss you." His voice was barely above a whisper, but she could hear it. She didn't think she could ever not hear those three words ringing in her ears. He missed her... just like she missed him. She wasn't the only one that was alone and miserable, not that that made it any better! It wasn't a declaration of love or determination to fight for what they had and could still have, but those words gave her hope.
"Coming from you... that means everything too." Don't cry, Brooke Davis! Don't cry! She could hear the tears in her voice, and she had to stay strong, she wasn't going to break down in front of him... not again. She looked at him through the lights, willing him to action. She needed to hear those words, but she needed his actions more. Looking at him across the stage, he seemed planted in his spot in the center of this stage, in the center of this movie. Of course he couldn't move towards her... he had made his choice. He was sticking with the movie, with his devotion to Alex... and the only choice Brooke Davis had was to walk away.
