Lulu opened her eyes slowly; basking in the warmth of Johnny's encircled arms. She wasn't ready to give up the feeling just yet. She knew that once she did, everything would be different.
Johnny watched her as she seemed to take stock of what had happened between them. He knew that never in a million years would he regret what had happened between them. But the thought of she might have regrets made him nervous. He shifted, pulling her with him so that they were facing each other.
"Please don't tell me that you have regrets," he said quietly, meeting her eyes.
She took a breath, trying to form the perfect words. "No regrets," she whispered. He sighed visibly, but didn't break her gaze.
"What happens next?"
She shook her head, fearing that if she spoke she would do nothing but cry. She knew that nothing could happen next. She'd made that decision for the both of them before. What had just happened was nothing more than a lapse in judgment.
"Lulu?"
She turned, buried her head in the pillow. Her nose was assaulted with the smell of him. She knew then that she'd never get rid of that familiar smell.
"Hey," he said, pulling her hair away from her face, "hey. It's okay."
She lifted her head, feeling the hot tears on her face. She turned, faced him, and shook her head. "No. it's not."
"Why?"
She shot up, pulled the sheet with her. Sitting up, she faced him, her face steely. "Because this can't change anything." Without waiting for an answer, she rose from the bed and started to gather up her strewn clothes.
Johnny sat up credulously. He shook his head, not understanding. "What are you talking about, Lulu? This." He made a sweeping motion with his hand, "changes everything."
Lulu stopped dressing, stared at him. "No. It doesn't." Turning away, she slipped her sweater over her head. "This was sex. Nothing more."
"You can't tell me that this was just sex. It was more than that and you know it." Johnny jumped out of the bed, tugged his jeans up without bothering with underwear. He turned to her, stared at her. "You didn't react like a woman who was just having sex, Lulu."
"I'm sorry Johnny." She shook her head again, grabbing her shoes and slipping them on her feet. "I'm sorry if I lead you to believe that it was something different, something more. Because it's not. It can't be."
"Then you're a fool."
His words should have hurt her, she realized. They should have made her reconsider her decision. But they didn't and that scared her. She steeled herself, bracing for the onslaught. Nothing he could say could hurt her. And yet, everything that he didn't say tore her apart.
She said nothing and walked out of the room, going for her coat and bag. He followed her. The tears were falling freely now. No amount of willpower could make them stop. She turned as her hand brushed the doorknob. "Maybe I am. But you're as much a fool for believing that after all these years, I'd still want you. I'm sorry, Johnny. Tonight wasn't a mistake, but it doesn't change anything." She opened the door, stared back at him. "I'm sorry," she whispered and ran out of the apartment, down the stairs.
Johnny stepped out on the little deck, watched her as she fumbled with her car door. He waited until she'd gotten inside the car and shut the door. Turning back inside, he slammed the door shut and felt rage surge through him. He balled his fist, trying not to imagine plowing it into her face. Instead, he plowed it into the wall.
This, to his disappointment, did little damage.
GH*GH*GH*GH*GH
Lulu laid her head on the steering wheel. Her heart was officially broken now, she thought as the tears feel in droves. She'd made a mistake. Not in sleeping with Johnny, but by allowing him to think that they had something.
She'd made a horrible miscalculation and now she wasn't sure if she'd ever really heal.
Closing her eyes in an attempt to slow the tears, she took a breath. She thought back to what Johnny had said to her. She was a fool, she realized. She was a fool for thinking that she could run away from her feelings.
Sex with Johnny had made her realize that not only was she desperately in love with him, but that she'd never stopped loving him.
While her heart wanted one thing, her head knew that there was no way that they could be together. She might as well go back to Greece and resume her life with Amelia.
She wanted to forget about Johnny, about loving him, about wanting to be with him. That was the only way to move on. She'd made a clean break six years earlier by running away. She would just have to do so again. Even if it killed her.
Wiping furiously at the tears, she fumbled for her keys, shoving them into the ignition. She eased out of the parking lot and drove toward the hotel. Only tonight, she thought with disdain. That was a line she'd fallen for twice in her life.
There was no 'only' when it came to John Zacchara. Lulu gave him her heart years ago, but left because she knew that beyond the physical part of love, they would never make it work. She couldn't believe in 'only tonight' when she wanted the rest of her life with him.
She shook her head, intent on getting him out of her mind. By the time she pulled the car into the parking lot at the hotel, she had managed to pull herself together. Now all she wanted to do was to forget what had happened and go on with her life.
Right now, it was the best thing for everyone involved.
* * * * *
Lulu couldn't bring herself to be alone. She didn't want to go back to the hotel because she knew that she would just wallow in self-pity. Fumbling for her cell phone, she dialed a familiar number. Through her tear-ridden eyes, she saw that the clock on the dash glowed fifteen minutes after nine.
God, she hoped that Carly was still awake.
"Carly?" she asked, as the other line picked up. "Are you busy? Because I really need to talk to you." She barely waited for a response and threw her car into drive. Peeling out of the parking lot, she headed toward a familiar house where she'd spent so many hours crying on her cousin's shoulder.
By the time she pulled into Carly's driveway, the crying has dwindled down to a few sniffles. Though Lulu was all but certain that she looked like Hell. She didn't even bother to glance in the mirror because she knew that her red-rimmed eyes would be a dead-giveaway.
She walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. Carly answered it and said nothing, only opening her arms for Lulu to fall into.
Lulu allowed Carly to take care of her. It was so rare to just give the reins to someone else, she thought as Carly led her into the living room, eased her onto the couch and then pressed a cup of tea into her hands. She had been the one doing to care for so long that it was wonderful to just allow someone else to take over.
Carly said nothing as Lulu sipped the tea, her eyes close. She knew that something had happened and had a sneaking suspicion that it was related to Johnny Zacchara. Lulu had simply never been able to stay away from him. Even though she knew that they were too hot-headed and rash to make things work long-term, she was forever attracted to the brooding pianist.
It wasn't the first time, Carly thought as she smoothed Lulu's hair back from her forehead, that she wished she could take the pain away. Carly had wished that Lulu would let someone else shoulder the pain. It had stemmed back to the day that Lulu had told her she was pregnant with Johnny's baby.
But lulu was anything if not proud and refused to let others clean up her messes.
Deciding that Lulu had had enough time to sort things out, Carly took Lulu's chin in her hands and lifted her face up to her own. "Okay, so I think you owe me an explanation."
Lulu closed her eyes and took a breath. When she opened her eyes, Carly was still staring at her. "I slept with Johnny."
Carly's face was blank so Lulu was having difficulty figuring out what was going through her mind. When Carly's hand dropped from Lulu's chin, she spoke. "How do you feel now?"
"Stupid. Angry." Lulu shrugged and sighed. "I feel angry and stupid that I led Johnny on to thinking that we could have something."
"But you do have something," Carly reminded her gently. "You have a beautiful blue-eyed little girl between you."
Lulu felt the tears threaten again and turned away from her cousin to furiously wipe at them. "I know," she managed, pulling away from Carly and rising to pace the room. "That's what scares me. I can't have him know that we have her. But I don't know what to do."
"You love him."
Lulu stopped pacing, stared hard at her cousin. "Yes I do. But as I've said a thousand times over, that doesn't matter. What matters is that he never knows about Amelia."
Carly said nothing, watched as Lulu paced back and forth. "Then you've made your decision. Or rather, you're sticking by the decision you made six years ago. I get that, Lulu, but what about your heart?"
Lulu shook her head, still pacing. "It's not my heart that I'm worried about. I'm great at channeling pain and heartache into productive areas. I just hate that I slept with him because now he thinks that we could have something."
"If he knew about Amelia, the entire playing field would change," Carly said quietly.
Nodding, Lulu dropped into an armchair opposite her cousin. "Yes it would. Which is exactly why he isn't going to know."
"So nothing really changed between the two of you, did it?"
"No," Lulu replied simply.
"Then why are you worrying about sex?" Carly asked with raised eyebrows. At Lulu's bland look, she continued, "could it be because maybe you want something to be different? Maybe because you never stopped loving him and wondering what if?"
When Lulu looked away, Carly knew she'd hit the nail on the head. "That's all true. I'm just grown up enough to know that I can have everything I want."
Carly angled her head, sympathy flooding her face. "Oh Lulu, sometimes we have to hope, to dream. Otherwise, we'd all be cynical and hard."
"I can't afford to think about what if. I love him. There's no question about that. But I can't be with him. End of story." She rose, leaned over to kiss Carly's cheek. "Thanks for listening to me. I needed that. And right now, I think I just need to sleep it off."
She picked up her coat as Carly rose and ushered her to the door. "Are you sure?" she asked, helping Lulu with the buttons.
Lulu grinned and batted away Carly's hands. "Yes, mother. I'm sure," she said sarcastically. When Carly straightened, there was a gleam in her eye. "Fine, be that way. I worry about you, Lulu."
Lulu sighed, hugged her cousin. "Thanks for worrying. But, really, I'm fine. I'll be okay. I always am."
Carly nodded, lifting Lulu's face to look into her eyes. "Yes, you will. But I still worry."
"Well for tonight, you can stop. Go be with your gorgeous husband. I'll call you tomorrow," Lulu replied, opening the front door.
Smiling for Lulu's benefit, Carly nodded again. "Oh hey, I was going to ask you. But Josslyn wants to badly to go ice skating tomorrow. She wants Amelia to come with. How would the two of you like a day of fun at the rink?"
Lulu grinned. "I haven't skated in years. And Mel's never been before. I think that that would be perfect. She's with Maxie now so I'll call you tomorrow morning."
"Okay, sounds good. Sweet dreams, Lulu. And don't worry so much," Carly added, placing another kiss on Lulu's cheek.
"I'll be fine. Good night!" Lulu called as she hurried to her car. Slipping inside, she started the engine and headed toward the hotel.
She wasn't going to think about what had happened anymore. There was no use dwelling on something over which she had no control. She and Johnny were over. Period.
And nothing what going to change that.
But, Lulu thought with a smile, the idea of ice-skating made her seriously excited for tomorrow.
Some things couldn't be helped, she told herself. But playing with her daughter always gave her the change to prioritize.
This seemed like the only way to move on. She would just have to forget what had happened that night and make sure that she was the best mom she could be.
In the end, all that mattered to Lulu was Amelia's happiness.
GH*GH*GH*GH*GH
Okay, so please review! I will tell you that we are coming to the part where Johnny will discover Lulu's secret. I have already written the next chapter and will hopefully have it up by the end of this weekend. Please review, though, because it makes my day and makes me want to write more. Hope you enjoyed this latest installment.
