Up-Chucks 2
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull threw a China shop, the only thing that broke was the bull.
It is more of a challenge for Chuck Norris to kill something with a gun than with his bare hands.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost
Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident, but he still managed to walk it off.
Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris went to the White House to cast the final vote today against the 700 Billion Dollar bailout. When asked about his final decision Chuck stood up crumbled his ballot tossed it in the air and round house kicked it back to the Corporate CEO's. The next day when the news media approached the Corporate CEO's and asked about the White House decision the response was, Fucking Norris round house kicked are asses!
Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse and that is how the giraffe was created.
There are no bombs, Chuck Norris just jumps out of a helicopter and punches the ground.
Chuck Norris, Mr T and Arnold Swieznigger died in a plane crash they got to heavens door way and god asked them what there business is. Arnold replied "I want to be your right hand man". Mr T said "I wanna be your left hand man". Chuck Norris said "get the fuck out of my chair".
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris does not have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he wants.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Money doesn't grow on trees. Unless, that is, Chuck Norris buries a quarter.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit
Chuck Norris plans to assassinate four other civil rights leaders just to get an entire week off in February
When you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you, when you can't see Chuck Norris, your only a few seconds away from death.
When Chuck Norris was 5 his left testicle was cut off. You may know it as its technical term Jupiter
Chuck Norris doesn't write books the words assemble out of fear.
Chuck Norris ordered a big mac at Burger King and got it.
Chuck Norris wrote half of these facts, he likes his fans to be informed
Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, if by 'knit' you mean kick and by 'sweaters' you mean babies
Chuck Norris only once took a dump...that dump is known as Mt. Everest
According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face...YESTERDAY!!
Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of those he has conquered.
Not all the people Chuck Norris meet get killed, some get away. These people are called astronauts.
If at first you don't succeed, then you're not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never kicked anyone's a** because the mere sight of him makes you kick your own a**
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris was originally cast to play the lead role on the show 24. But they couldn't get enough footage because he kept killed all of the terrorists in 10 seconds.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise
If by some miracle of nature two parallel universes were to join, and Chuck Norris fought Chuck Norris, they would both win.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you die.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal, rather Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get out while he could still walk.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Chuck Norris starts his day like every regular guy: by unshackling his ankle bracelets and descending 40 feet to the floor below. Fully naked, Chuck then flosses his teeth with steel wool. Then he eats a bowl of dynamite, takes a massive four-flush dump, and wipes his butt with intercepted letters to Santa Claus. He jumps into his clothes and kicks his way through walls until he reaches the kitchen.
After breakfast, Chuck wills his mail from his mailbox to his hand and uses the Spear of Destiny as a letter opener. Chuck Norris not only stays up to date on current events but future ones as well so that he can ruin the ending to new Harry Potter books before they're even written.
After reading five thousand fan letters while standing on hot coals he then showers in fire. Before work he does 1,000 pushups with his chin fist and eats a canister of nerve gas. Much of his afternoon is then taken up by filming Walker Texas Ranger and various roundhouse heavy films. He then hunts a random human for sport and has been known to kill jackals who try to steal some of his kill.
Chuck's life after sunset remains a mystery, though there have been several leaks of information involving bears, helicopters, the Bermuda Triangle, cowboy hats, mythical demons, and every woman in the world. Though none have been confirmed, all these assumptions are believed to be true.
The only thing actually known about his nights is that before he sleeps, Chuck Norris likes to sit in the dark and silently pray that his enemies get stronger.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he absorbs the dark.
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Wheaties are on the Chuck Norris Box
Drugs gets high off of Chuck Norris
In Spain, men flee for their lives in the "Running of the Bulls". Afterwards, the bulls flee for their lives in the "Running of Chuck Norris".
If you are what you eat, Chuck Norris is dynamite.
The police pullover for Chuck Norris to pass.
Lighting never strikes in the same spot twice because it fears Chuck Norris will find it
When Chuck Norris is faced with the Liar and the Truth-teller, he just stares them down and they both tell the truth
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only human that could fly
Chuck Norris separated South and North Dakota, then Carolina split out of fear
A drunk driver hit Chuck Norris while he was jogging. The driver died on impact, Chuck Norris carried him to the morgue, and then carried the car to a dealer.
When Google wants to know something it asks Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was once hit with an atomic bomb. When the explosion was over only Chuck and a cockroach remained. But something felt amiss, so Chuck stepped on the bug
In the movie Jurassic Park do you remember the part where the T-Rex was chasing the Jeep? Well, it was really Chuck Norris chasing the T-Rex AND the Jeep
Chuck Norris is the only Texas Ranger who doesn't make arrests, he just gets confirmed kills
If you put on a movie with Chuck Norris in it, you aren't watching Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is watching YOU!
Chuck Norris has never won an award for acting. Because he isn't acting.
If you bite Chuck Norris he doesn't get teeth marks, your teeth get Chuck Norris marks
Chuckm Norris can cut a knife with a watermelon
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
In Texas, the code word for "death penalty" is "bed time story with Chuck"
If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris can't do he will come to your house and do them all. Then he roundhouse kicks your stove in half
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
God gave the world light because he was afraid to face Chuck Norris in the dark.
Author's note: a person on the Chuck Norris Jokes forum of brainden was killed because he negatively criticized Chuck Norris' morning routine. My proof is that he has no recent posts. His username is carlosn27. The reason Chuck Norris Found out is because it has been discovered that the user Itachi-san, a senior member, is in fact, Chuck Norris. This Is not a joke. This means I am putting my life in danger by posting these en-masse. I will not, however, stop.
