Chapter Seven: STATUE-sqe.
Bella woke up early the next day and stared out at the glorious sunrise. Edward was sleeping outside, directly underneath her window. He was snoring loudly, and the occasional spider or fly would crawl into his gaping mouth. He was too sweet. However, Bella knew that she would have to explain Edward's presence when her father went outside to collect the mail. She would also have to come up with a plausible reason as to why Edward had decided to cover the exterior of their house with paint using the paintball gun in the middle of the night whilst they were both asleep. The house was now covered in giant bright pink spots. Even I can't figure this one out, thought Bella. She put on her favourite flowered bonnet and leather jacket, hoping that Edward was secretly watching her as she changed.
Charlie's voice floated down the corridor.
'I'm awaaaaaake,' he sang out sleepily. He put on his fluffy bunny slippers and scuffed outside to collect the mail. Bella stared with apprehension out of her window and witnessed Edward trying to crawl into her house, as the sound of Charlie had woken him up. Edward was crawling along on hand and knee, slowly plodding along, when Charlie tripped over him. Charlie landed on the ground, legs over head.
Bella rushed outside. She had to find a way to lighten the situation.
'Dad,' she called. 'He's only a friend, and he wanted to make sure I was safe, and-'
She stopped abruptly, for her father was smiling at Edward and nodding.
'Nice,' he said. 'Very nice.' He used his hand to correct the wedgie that his black g-string was giving him, pulling the material with an audible snap.
Edward had also been trying to diffuse the situation by freezing still and not moving a muscle.
'Where did you get this statue, Bella?'
'Ummm, I didn't! Someone dumped it here!'
Charlie started to circle Edward, examining him.
'Hmmm, this is a fine masterpiece! So stoic, so manly, so…mine!"
'Oh, no, no, no!' Bella hastily interjected. 'Someone dumped it here…but they want Edward-it- back!'
'Oh well,' shrugged Charlie, 'Finders keepers, losers weepers. He's mine now.'
Edward was beginning to convulse. Charlie thought Edward was a statue. Bella had to keep her father's eyes on her! Of course, she thought it only reasonable that the best way to do this was to actually talk about the now moving "statue"-the object of interest.
'Can I take it to school?' She implored her father. 'I want everyone to see it.'
Charlie scratched his head. 'Yes, I don't see the harm. Be sure to bring it back tonight, though.'
Charlie walked back inside the house, muttering 'must buy lipstick for the statue' and 'will name it Priscilla' and such. Bella turned on Edward.
'It's safe now. Let's go.'
They ran all the way to school. When they got there Edward turned to Bella.
'Everyone loves to choose my mane all of a sudden. Priscilla?'
Bella ignored this, and decided that she and Edward should get into the classroom early and play a prank on the class. It would make for an ideal first date. After pitching this plan to Edward, who readily agreed, Bella let the way.
They ran into Rosalie, who stared at them suspiciously for a moment of two before asking:
'Where are you two going?'
'Through a secret portal to the parallel universe,' replied Bella, putting on a pair of cracked sunglasses to help her keep a poker face.
Rosalie rolled her eyes.
'I don't know what worries me more,' she complained, 'the fact that you just said that or the fact that I'm not surprised you just said that.'
'Well, build a bridge and get over it. Or better yet, build a bridge and get over yourself!' These words were surprisingly not said by Bella, but by Edward himself. Bella burst into tears, and was full of gratitude. Rosalie walked off quickly. They watched her leave the corridor, by which point she had broken into a steady run.
'I can't believe that I've found another person who uses that line!' squealed Bella.
Edward stared severely at Bella.
'Nor can I.' He put one hand on Bella's shoulder. 'We are destined to be together.'
Walking into the biology classroom at last, Bella grabbed a whiteboard marker. Giggling and squirming with delight, she wrote up on the whiteboard:
Biology Homework: To Find a Cure for AIDS, cancer and depression.
Deadline: One hour after the time you read this notice.
Penalty if you do not complete this task by the given deadline: A fine of $1 million, or time served in jail.
Laughing, Bella and Edward took their seats. A few minutes later, the rest of the class filed in. They all stared at the whiteboard in curiosity, frowned, rolled their eyes, and sat down. Mike stared at Bella, and muttered:
'Loser.'
Bella was glad that everyone fell for it. She also decided to annoy everyone else in the class by calling the teacher 'your honour' every time he asked her a question, saying 'uh buh buh uh buh buh' over and over during the class pop quiz, and drawing a smiley face on a piece of paper and talking to it. Edward looked pretty jealous by this point.
After school, Edward had to go to his own house for some strange reason, and Bella decided to inform her dad that she let a friend "borrow" Edward, the statue. He accepted this explanation readily enough.
Bella decided to do some detective work. She looked up 'Black' in the phonebook, and decided to call every entry she found. There were 2344 entries. None of them worked. She would have to ask Edward where this Jacob lived.
She rang up Edward.
'Edward, you must tell me,' she demanded in a commanding voice, 'where does Jacob live.'
'Oh, next door to you, actually,' replied Edward.
Bella raced next door and pounded on the door. An old lady answered.
'Jacob? Jacob Black?' Bella panted, exhausted.
The old lady shook her head.
'No, dearie. Not here.'
Damn. Must be the OTHER next door. Bella didn't think that she could manage walking all that way, so she went to bed, and resolved to confront Jacob the next morning.
