Chapter Eight: Jacob's Place.
Bella woke up in the morning, prepared to do some careful planning. Rushing over to the old lady's place in search of Jacob had proven to be a mistake for a few reasons, least of all because she had exhausted herself beyond belief. Bella did acknowledge, however, that she and Edward ran all the way to school when Charlie thought he was a statue. That must have been pure adrenaline and Bella realised that she was a fool to have expected a repeat performance from her bodily systems.
Still, Bella thought she had recovered enough and she removed the toilet paper which she had been using as bandages over night. She loaded up her laptop and typed in: Jacob Black into the search engine on Facebook. As there were over 1000 results, and the page was showing 1-10 of said results, Bella decided to take wild guesses as to which one was the Jacob Black, the erstwhile object of Edward's affections.
Soon enough, Bella found herself caught between two choices. There was a Jacob Black in Ireland, and a Jacob Black in Forkes, United States. She realised it couldn't be the one in Ireland because it featured a profile picture of an old man eating a Brussels sprout off a fork. Edward could never select a man who liked such a disgusting vegetable and actually consider him a viable romantic partner. The Jacob in Forks therefore seemed to be the very boy she was looking for. She added him so she could keep tabs on his activity, and make sure that he wasn't trying to communicate with Edward. The profile picture was of Jacob's head. He had spiky black hair. Bella snorted with laughter as she was reminded of a porcupine.
Bella packed some snacks in her backpack for the trek to Jacob's house. She had eaten them by the time she stepped out onto her driveway.
At Jacob's house, Bella rang the doorbell. A guy who looked around her age answered the door.
'Come in,' he said, with an effeminate lisp. 'I've been expecting you.'
Bella was puzzled, but stepped into the house. It was painted…pink. She looked back at Jacob, who was wearing a mermaid outfit, complete with snakeskin tail and seashell bra. He hopped over to his couch, wobbled a bit as though he was about to lose balance, and sat himself down, sprawling his muscled arms out in a welcoming gesture.
'Sit.' He gestured to a wicker chair opposite the couch. Bella sat and promptly broke the seat. She thought that perhaps if she sat still and didn't indicate that she had literally just fallen through the chair, Jacob might not notice. For once, Bella wanted to seem polite.
Sitting amongst the rubble that she had created, Bella stared at Jacob, who was combing his hair and gazing into a little bejewelled mirror.
'How did you know I was coming this morning?' she asked, evidently puzzled. Perhaps Jacob really was a psychic mermaid.
Jacob moved his wrist in a limp, flamboyant gesture.
'Oh, dah-ling, it was so obvious. I accepted your add about half an hour ago and a fly landed on the screen. I was chasing it around with the curser as it crawled along, and noticed your status: Must visit and destroy Jacob Black with LUUURRVE!'
Bella nodded.
'Oh.'
'Sorry to burst your bubble Honey-Bunny, but I don't bat for the same team as most guys. Do you get my drift?'
'You hate baseball?'
'Oh ha haha! That is ab-sol-utely cute, but no. That's not what I meant.'
Bella did not like Jacob knowing something that she didn't. She excused herself to use the bathroom. When she returned, Jacob was chortling into his Bacardi and coke.
'What?' grunted Bella, pulling her trousers up higher so that they sat just below her armpits.
Jacob gave a high-pitched giggle.
'Hee hee. Next time you use my bathroom, don't bother running the faucet when you're actually on the toilet. The sound of the water rushing does not disguise the sound of the plop!'
Embarrassed, Bella shuffled her feet. She decided to change the subject.
'Sooo, how do you know Edward Cullen?' she asked, trying not to sound forward.
'Say whaaat?'
'He calls himself "Lachlan Mulkitov" for some reason, don't ask.' Bella rolled her eyes.
Jacob looked as though a sunbeam had just hit his face.
'Ohhh, Locky! I remember him well. We met at one of those karaoke nights, I told him that his nipple tassels looked hot, he stalked me for months afterward, and the rest is history!'
Bella did not enjoy this turn of events, and felt as though the atmosphere was perfect for luring Jacob's attentions towards her instead. Even the sound of the song Jai Ho playing in the background seemed to signal to her that the setting was perfect for securing Jacob's love.
She started to do her trusty dance, but to her utter shock, Jacob squealed.
'Oh no you did not!' he screeched, batting her away with his hands. 'You're a GIRL. Even though I find you quite masculine in both appearance and mannerisms, I just so can't go there.'
Bella flushed with pride.
'You find me masculine? Thanks!'
Jacob jumped out of his seat, hopped towards the door, and gestured to Bella to leave.
'Make like a banana and split!'
Bella thumped out, feeling quite satisfied that Jacob wanted her. Now she could find Edward and hope that he wouldn't get jealous…
Homeless guy
MILF
