Chapter Nine: Sparkly Edward.

Bella paused at Jacob's front door. She clasped his hand in hers.

'Whatever you do, Jacob,' she implored, 'just stay away from Edward. Please.'

Jacob squealed again and rubbed his hands with Purell. He tutted.

'Don't worry girlfriend, he's yours. He stalked me; I said no, yada yada yada.' He hopped back a few paces, and closed the door in Bella's face.

Bella decided to take a wild guess as to where Edward lived, and then go and pay him a visit. She knew that walking would be impossible, so she borrowed her father's ride-on lawn mower. She hoped that the handcuffs that she found in the driver's seat weren't vital to the functioning of the engine mechanism. She tossed them aside.

She turned the mower on, and rode it past the full length mirror in her father's garage. She liked the way her flab flopped over the sides of the mower and jiggled as the mower vibrated. She looked up and stuck her tongue out at her reflection depicted in the mirrors attached to the ceiling.

She rode out of her driveway, and on to the road. She decided that her mode of transport was much cooler than the other cars on the road, and as the drivers in these cars stared at her drive-on mower, she leered and deliberately jiggled her flab at them with her hands. Some drivers looked angry, others insulted, but the majority seemed quite nervous.

After about two hours, Bella was growing miserable. She seemed to be going round and round in circles (which was an actual possibility, because at some point she turned hard left, and didn't bother to move the steering back to centre). She also had a banana peel attached to her head, which had been launched at her by a man in a truck. She had initially figured that the peel made quite a suitable hat, but in the heat it was beginning to fester and attract flies.

Then, out of nowhere, Edward came running towards Bella with a broomstick between his legs.

'Whhheeeeee! Whhheeeeee!' He cried. 'Whooooooosh!'

It was at that moment that Bella truly understood that she and Edward had so much in common, and she wasn't just referring to their gorgeous looks.

Edward guided Bella's ride to the side of the road, and dragged it up on the pavement.

'How did you find me?' asked Bella, stroking Edward's face.

'There was footage of you on the news. Soon it will be put on Youtube. I knew it had to be you. The camera was taken from a birds-eye viewpoint, and normally you can't distinguish the features of a person from that height…but you…I could make out your stomach and thighs perfectly.'

Bella was so flattered. She and Edward decided to lie on the sidewalk for hours, staring at each other. After some time, Edward said:

'Come, I'll show you my house.'

He fired up the ride-on mower and put Bella on behind him. They rode a relatively short distance, and ended up at Edward's place, which was actually quite an average looking abode.

Inside the house, Edward said:

'You'll have to excuse the lack of electricity. It got cut off a few months ago…and if we want water, we place cups and bowls outside and wait for it to rain.'

Bella was astounded. This astonishment had nothing to do with the house and its contents (or lack thereof). Rather, it was brought on by a growing sensation within Bella that something remarkable was going to happen soon.

Sure enough, Edward told Bella that he had something to show her in the garden.

'You've probably never seen anything like this before.' Edward started to move his hips in a circular motion rhythmically. Bella nodded and waited, wondering what it was that he had in store for her.

After a while, Edward looked up.

'Just warming up,' he said, before proceeding to pick up about ten hula hoops that there lying around.

He started the movement of his hips again, and slowly removed his shirt. The hair on his chest shimmered. He passed the hula hoops to Bella, and instructed her to toss them at him, one by one. She did so, and he began to hula hoop them, one by one, until he was standing there, hula hooping all ten around him (one was going round and round his neck). All the while, Edward was grinning maniacally at Bella. The hoops were brightly coloured, and really sparkly.

Bella gasped.

'You're…sparkling. You're beautiful.'

Edward breathed in and out several times. His breaths made him sound like he was choking. He pointed an accusing finger at Bella.

'You don't know how dangerous I am! I am a lean, mean fighting machine! My running ability is highlighted by the fact that I actually kept up with you as we ran to school yesterday! I threw a snowball at an elderly neighbour when I was six, hence demonstrating my fighting ability!'

Bella was exhilarated.

'Did you hit your elderly neighbour?' she asked, delighted that Edward had the same sense of humour as she.

'No,' replied he, 'but he noticed it fall next to him and threw a rock back at me! I was in hospital for ages.'

'My poor kind Edward,' cooed Bella sympathetically.

'Are you frightened of me?'

Bella thought for a minute.

'Are you going to throw any snowballs at me?' she asked.

Edward laughed.

'No, but I will stalk you relentlessly for years. Hope you have a lot of pepper spray on hand!'

Bella was relieved.

'Then no, I'm not afraid.'