Courage, Chapter Five

"For the first time I know, this is now who I am." ~Season, Almost Here, The Academy Is...

"Forever is comprised of nows." -Emily Dickinson

"Dressed up as myself, living in the shadow of who I'm supposed to be." ~Sick Little Games, Nothing Personal, All-Time Low

"I'm afraid that people who know me as I usually am will discover I have another side, a better and finer side. I'm afraid they'll mock me, think I'm ridiculous and sentimental and not take me seriously." -Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl, Anne Frank

"I want to live and die for bigger things. I'm tired of fighting for just me." ~American Dream, Oh! Gravity, Switchfoot

"When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire." ~Your Ex-Lover is Dead, Set Yourself on Fire, Stars


For the first time in months, -or maybe years- I felt alive, rejuvenated. There was something larger than me to fight for, something better that life could be. Perhaps that's where I differ from Dad. After his famous (after letting it slip in an interview, he never saw an end to it) "Honestly, I've had enough trouble for a lifetime," he was content to make his life about not having trouble, becoming an international Quidditch player rather than an Auror like Uncle Ron and planning for early retirement. But for me- it just felt so good giving my time to a worthier cause.

I talk of helping Scorpius.

Those three words were ones that I did not want to flatten into an empty promise. He trusted me enough that I was the only one he told. Just like my long-ago popularity, I had to earn that.

It would be a bit more difficult, though, than just flying out with wand ready and heart exposed. This was a complicated situation, a delicate situation. One that need patience, and clever planning, and subtlety.

One third year and one first year, I weighed sadly, against a thirty-seven year old retired death eater. That was all we had, really. The only people who bothered talking to me weren't friends. My old 'friends' had abandoned me, and Scorpius didn't think of them as friends at all. Both of us were alone in the world.

For one moment, the idea of calling the Ministry flitted through my mind. Immediately, I flinched away from the idea. This was Scorpius' private business, not for the entire Ministry. I cringed at the thought of a reporter like the aging but cruel Rita Skeeter scratching furiously with her Quick-Quotes Quill, vilifying Scorpius for his father's actions and causing me to appear heroic for getting involved and saving Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy from her insane husband and son. Once upon a time I might have reveled at such fame, hoped that Dad and Mum might notice and appreciate me. But now, I felt that if I allowed the Daily Prophet to print such rubbish, I wasn't worth anyone's love. And then, of course, it was the matter than the Ministry would get the Aurors involved, which by definition got Uncle Ron involved, who would get his best friend involved, also known as Dad. And then my parents would know and somehow I didn't think they deserved to know. Resentful of their indifference, I didn't want them to be part of my life anymore. They hurt too much.

So, sure, Scorpius isn't alone. But I'm not the greatest addition to his team. Two foolish Gryffindors, with nothing to their name but determination and pain. Sure, Edison said that 99% of genius was perspiration, but 99% isn't enough.

I needed help. It would take a bit more courage that I originally expected that helping Scorpius would entail. As I said before, I needed patience, subtlety, clever planning. And for that I needed Rose.

Unfortunately, it was not as simple as just talking to her before Potions class. A few days ago, she had confessed, "Okay, fine, you win."

"What?" I said, frightened that her patience had finally worn thin and she was going to leave me 'in peace.'

"I didn't actually manage to procure a late pass from Professor 'Despot'," she said with a long-suffering sigh. "I get excused by Neville instead."

Aha! Finally, it's out! I should have known it was impossible to sway Professor "wand-up-his-bum," but Uncle Neville, incidentally Rose's next period, was a pushover! My worried frown collapsed into a huge grin and I taunted her for a few minutes before I was cut off.

"Ha, ha," she drawled. "Had your fun? Now, I wouldn't just surrender that easily if it wasn't necessary. The thing is..." here she bit her lip, and she looked small and soft, like before Slytherin had pumped its venom into her veins, "Neville's threatening to tell my Mum and Dad that I've been so late. And you know what Mum is like about rules and school and stuff. 'Follow them to the letter unless there's the threat of darkness' and all that," she said in a hilariously accurate version of Aunt Hermione.

But the news was too sour for laughter. Her eyes remained dark, and my identically blue ones soon matched the expression. "That snitch!"

"I don't blame him. What would you do if one of your students was late to every single lesson of the term? Plus, you know what they say."

"What?" I said, not even bothering to sound interested. I felt as though my security blanket had been ripped to shreds.

"Snitches are worth one-hundred and fifty points, and usually win the game."

"Actually, they aren't worth any points if they catch you, and they ALWAYS end the game," I quipped back, but the game had ended. What was I to do? Should I try to leave Transfiguration early? Should I ignore it? Would this be a good thing, so I would be able to regain my popularity? Somehow, these contemplations had been completely wiped out of my mind by McGonagall's announcement that following evening.

This was all brought back, as well as my new, grave decision confirmed, when I saw that there was no bubbly figure swathed in green by the door. Potions had never been more unbearable.

Two notes were passed to me in quick succession: I didn't see her today. (Possible alibi: "Just talking about his favorite silver dagger. Someone reached the store cupboard faster than him.") Does this mean you want back in?

The second was picked up before any suave answer came to mind, so I quickly supplied, "I'm sorry, sir. I haven't written any notes, honest. They just won't leave me be." Wow. That gives meaning to the phrase "Freudian slip."

However, I didn't try to apologize or take it back. I was tired of feeling like a third wheel. I was tired of being shunned. I was tired of the rules, I was tired of the scorn, I was tired of the masks. Scorpius' words came back to me: "Just goes to show how shallow the company that chooses me is..." Tonight I was going to blatantly sign my resignation anyway. Why pretend any longer?

Soon, too soon, it was dinnertime in the Great Hall. Before I performed my task, I watched McGonagall roll up the list and put it in her pocket. Scorpius' name was there; mine was not. An owl had been sent to Mum and Dad that I wanted to stay at Hogwarts for the break. Not that they would care, but just to seal up the cracks.

I braced myself, and stood up. There was no putting off that I could do. This had to be done.

The long walk was torturous. I glanced back at the Gryffindor table. Sure enough, among all of the normal, out-of-the-way people, there was Clique Superior, shaking their high-and-mighty heads at me. Why did the Slytherin and Gryffindor tables have to be on opposite ends? ...So, here I was, giving up everything. At least that "small part of me," as I've referred to it, is roaring in triumph. I call it small, but now it would have to be all of me. I reached the table, and her eyes sought me. There could be no room for doubt anymore. The deed was done. What would become of me? I didn't know. I ignored it, ignored the future. Right now was the only thing that could preserve my sanity.

"Hey, Rose," I said, and I saw the pride shining in her eyes. And then I told, concluding, "...And I've just got to help him, but I don't know how, and I thought maybe you did."

She was silent the entire time and for a pause after, except for muttering Muffliato at her peers. I automatically cataloged this spell.

To fill it, and feeling, once again, inadequate to the horror, I mused, "I never really realized what it would be like. I mean, it's pretty stupid of me now, to not think..."

"...that some things could be worse? It's okay. Your parents tried to shield you from all of that. Mum told me, when I was little and throwing a terrible-two-tantrum, that Teddy's parents were gone and that having some parents are better than none. Later, I went up to her and told her that they were the best parents ever, but it wasn't until later, when Teddy was visiting, that I realized how awful that must be. Ever since then, it's kind of helped me appreciate my situation."

Politely, I waited for her to finish, absorbing it as well as I could in my state of adrenaline. "It's not so much that I never considered the idea of having really bad or nonexistent parents. It's just that I didn't realize that parents might not love-"

"That's it!" she cried. "Oh, sorry," she said to the general vicinity, and then lowered her voice to a brisk whisper of dismissal. "You and Scorpius- meet me on the Astronomy tower at midnight."

"Wait, what? Why?"

"I have a plan."


A/N: Sorry for the long wait! And the cliffie, mwahaha. This is actually the first cliffhanger I've ever written. Anyway, can anyone guess what Rose's plan is? I think I've included two hints, one very obvious and one quite less obvious which I originally did not intend.

RANDOM HP-NERDNESS: Well, I watched HBP last night on DVD with a friend of mine and we kept replaying the awkward romantic tension parts. Like, ROFL about Ron and Harry's midnight conversation- "What does Dean see in her?""See in Ginny? What about Dean?""Nah, Dean's brilliant.""You called him a git just yesterday!""Well, he was running his hands all over my sister! I had to hate him. On principle... So, what does he see in her?""Well, she's smart, funny... attractive.""Attractive?! In what way?""Well... she has nice... skin.""Skin? You're saying that Dean is dating my sister because she has nice skin?""Well- It could be a contributing factor." [awkward pause, though the entire conversation is generally awkward] "Hermione has nice skin." "Er... I never really noticed... Yeah. Right. Well, I'm going to bed." "Yeah. Me too. Night." That's really misquoted, but you get the gist. Imagine if guys actually had conversations like that! If you're a guy reading this, I really want to know if you do, because that would be hilarious.

Ravishing review replies (and Lietus: you give a long review, you get a longer reply. it's all good):

xandromedax: Heck yeah, James is going to help him! They are a bit similar, and a bit different. They hide their problems, but James has hidden his entire self. Also, James has gotten into the social hierarchy thing voluntarily, while Scorpius is uncomfortable with the situation and tries, as noted in the last chapter, to make himself scarce.

ariel: Sorry, I don't do pranks very well. I'm not very mischievous (or if I am, I don't try to exploit it), though there's a bit of plotting going on. Hope you can enjoy the fic without them!

Katie: Three reviews! Ah, the luck of the unsigned. Oh, thank you so much! And, yes, it is her. Loonynamelass' gender is no secret. Teddy, eh? Totally forgot about him. Drat. Now I've got to fit him in... Okay, so I briefly mentioned him in this chapter through Rose. Ta da! He exists! He might come back, too. Wow! I cannot believe I forgot such a character.

Lietus: "No matter how big your problem is, it will be the most painful for you." Oh wow, I wish I could quote you. You just nailed one of the themes here. Also, about sympathizing with Scorpius... I know it's hard to sympathize, especially when you have to see it from James' point of view. So, #1, Scorpius isn't perfect, of course. He is a bit flawed, too. He understands most of James' problems, but he doesn't know, and has no way of knowing, about James' parental issues. If you look at it in an unbiased context, it's really amazing that he can still try, perhaps not too gently, to help James overcome his own issues while crying and clearly distraught. He doesn't lose himself, and part of him insists that James be happier.

Also, abuse is pretty terrible. Luckily, I've never been in a situation like this, but I'll try to supplement. It's like living in a state of constant fear. You're own home is unsafe, and the person you love most is already a victim. This tangible fear is something that James has never had in his life. James has frustration, perhaps anxiety at times, but this is real fear for Scorpius.

And finally, about Scorpius moving the plot and character development forward. Well.... yeah. I mean, as a writer, my main focus is James. I have to get him through a story, and the story is about himself. If the story was about Scorpius, then I might start the tale a bit earlier, and end a bit later, and cover how meeting James has changed his life. How meeting James told him that he wasn't alone. That's why I ended chapter 4 with those three words from James, because it's showing how both of them have been transformed. The thing about writing is that you're so eager to show other people's perspectives, to show how they feel. But what I'm trying to do is not do that, because I want my readers to be able to see the other characters through the haze of James. Ooh! I am so adding two more quotes to the last chapter. I have been inspired by writing this message.

Anyway, being a maniac is totally okay with me! ;) You're a very flattering maniac. Finally, I'm really glad that this story is really giving a feel for what James feels. I was never the "left out" child (quite the opposite, in fact), but I listened to my sister talk about it and this story is a bit of an ode to her, in a way. (James is not based off of her in any way.) So it's good to know that this creation is realistic and accurate. Plus, I put that little flashback because a lot of his problems are a bit superficial. "I wandered through fiction to look for the truth buried beneath all the lies," as the Goo Goo Dolls put it. I wanted to make it clear that the parents problem rises above that of popularity and puberty, and is the one that is more than just James' flaws.

Lady Stephy: I knew he did! Teehee. I know, I cheated. And I'm glad I've got another obsessed one.

Yeah, so, 'til next time, my dears. It shouldn't be long, as I'm fairly positive about the plot's direction. Review me your reactions, ideas, and love!