Part 2 – Credit Check

The Three Aspects were checking the monthly gold card statement, or as the female aspect put it, 'the monthlies'.

"Forty packs of Marlboros and thirty-four packs of Hi-Lites in one month?" one said. "What are they, chimneys?"

"They seem determined to shorten their lives even before they reach Houtou," another agreed.

The third said, "And the secondhand smoke is probably killing the other two as well." After a brief silence, she added, "Not that we expect them to survive the trip."

"Okay, next item." He scowled at the printing. "A million yen for food?"[1]

"They do have the monkey with them. I hear he's a bottomless pit."

"Hasn't he reached maturity yet? I thought it was just teenage boys who ate like that."

"He is making up for five hundred years of starvation."

After meditating on how long it would take to make up for five hundred years of starvation, they concluded he would probably die of injuries or old age before then.

The next expenditures they examined were for beverages. They passed over the cost of root beer and cola, though one of them muttered something about Goku being hyperactive enough without ingesting any caffeine in the form of soda, and the expenditures on coffee and tea, though someone else wondered whether they were mainlining the stuff and why they drank so much more coffee than tea, but looked askance at the cost of alcoholic beverages.

"Why do they have to drink the finest whiskey, Scotch and sake available?" one asked. "Life on the road is not supposed to be cushy!"

"An average of two six packs of beer a day?" another shrieked. "If Goku's drinking soda, that's four cans of beer a day each for the three of them. It's a miracle that they can function."

"Maybe they've gotten so used to it," the third said sagely, "that they don't get drunk or have hangovers anymore."

"I've heard stories of Gojyo and Sanzo stumbling back to their rooms drunk," said the first. "In fact," he said, lowering his voice, "I've heard that Hakkai was seen escorting a staggering Sanzo and looking very smug." [2]

The third voice said sharply, "We shouldn't be trading in gossip."

The second said, "That brings up a delicate subject, though. What is the purpose of these expenditures for lubricant?"

They stared at the twenty-five thousand yen expenditure. [3]

"Not gun oil, I assume?"

"No. Nor is it motor oil, which Hakuryu doesn't need anyway, being a dragon."

Their faces gradually reddened. Finally the boldest of them said, "Surely they can't be..."

The next replied, "They're all men..."

The female snorted, "All the more reason for it! If others are available to satisfy their urges, how long would they be satisfied by themselves..." Her voice trailed off. "Well, you know."

They stared at each other. Surely they weren't having sex with each other? And one of them a priest?

Then again, the particular priest was never particularly conventional.

They sighed. "Perhaps," one ventured, "we should write Priest Sanzo about these questionable expenditures?"

After some thought, they agreed on this course of action, which is why, several carrier pigeons and dragons later, Genjyo Sanzo held in his hands a missive from the Three Aspects that read as follows:

To the Honorable Genjyo Sanzo, 31st of China:

We hope this finds you and your companions well and not currently suffering from any injuries. We have a few questions about last month's gold card expenditures in the following categories:

1. Cigarettes
2. Food
3. Alcohol
4. Lubricant

We would be pleased to receive an accounting or explanation of these expenditures at your earliest convenience. If we do not receive a satisfactory explanation, we will have to impose a credit limit of twenty million yen a month.

Your humble guides,

The Three Aspects

The following day, a carrier pigeon left for Chang'an with this response:

Dear interfering busybodies:

Gojyo would be more insufferable and I would be more of a bastard without the cigarettes, so lay off.

You don't know how annoying and whiny Goku can get when he hasn't had enough to eat. Besides, he's the strongest and best fighter of the four of us. You want to hamper us?

We need the alcohol to get through the tedium of days on the road interspersed with the stress of near daily attacks. You come down here and put your lives on the line every day and see if you can do without some booze. Sometimes you just need to forget.

As for the lubricant: what business is it of yours if we fuck each other? I repeat: Sometimes you just need to forget. That includes forgetting, or at least obliterating for the moment, the normal friction, jealousies, and disagreements that occur among four people forced to spend all their time together. Yes, I mean people. Human, human turned youkai, half-youkai, and whatever the fuck Goku is, it makes no difference. We all relate to each other in human terms.

Just consider these necessary morale boosters. If you impose a credit limit, you can take this mission and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

But if I were you, I wouldn't want to face four pissed off and battle-hardened warriors, two of who possess terrifying youkai powers when they remove their limiters.

Your humble servant,

Genjyo Sanzo, 31st of China

[1] Approximately $10,000 US dollars at a conversion factor of 100 yen per dollar.

[2] This is based on an actual story by LJ user Feait and an illustration by LJ user Error256, but due to FFN's limitations, the web address won't appear here. PM me if you're interested in the link.

[3] Approximately $250 US dollars.