This story is dedicated to all the folks over at Your Crying Shoulder - A Kristina/Ethan forum. Google it or go to my profile and click the link for my homepage and join. :p
Kristina climbed back into bed, glad that no one had noticed her absence. Alexis had become almost obsessive with her need to watch over Kristina day and night. She was trying not to be too tyrannical about it, but Kristina was sure that there wasn't one thing she did throughout the day that Alexis or Sonny didn't know about. There were body guards never too far away, Sam popping up at random moments through out the days, Molly watching her intently whenever she was on the computer or talking to her friends on the phone. Everyone was trying so hard to protect her and she felt smothered.
What had happened tonight hadn't helped. She'd woken up in the middle of the night from a bad dream… a bad memory. Keifer was beating her, had left her lying on the floor, broken and bruised, and then Ethan was there, holding her, telling her she was going to be okay. Kristina had woken up and she had needed to see him. She needed it to be okay. There was a hollow ache in her heart where Ethan used to be and she wanted it back. She wanted the casual conversations, the little hellos at Kelly's, even if that was all he'd give her she'd be happy. She didn't deserve it, not after what she'd done, but she needed him, and a desperate little part of her hoped that some part of him needed her too.
It hadn't turned out that way.
Kristina pulled the covers up around her. She was surprised she wasn't as devastated as she thought she'd be over Ethan's rejection. It was mostly because she had known how things would go before she had even left her house. Of course he was mad, he had every right to be. She had just hoped that some of the sting would have passed, enough for him to at least talk to her. Obviously it hadn't, so she had to let it go.
At least until thoughts of him would begin to keep her up at night. It was mostly guilt, and a myriad of other emotions. She was trying hard to work on her issues, it had taken therapy, at first once a week, and now once a month to help her work through the damage that was Kiefer. She no longer stayed awake at night crying over Kiefer, wishing that he had loved her enough not to hit her.
Kristina had even stopped staying awake to catalog all of the things that she wished she had done differently. Wishing it didn't make it so, thus there was no point in doing it. She had a lot of regrets and she had learned to leave them all in the past. All but one. Ethan had been the one thing that she had been able to cling to when her life was spiraling out of control. Her boyfriend had been beating her, her sister had been kidnapped by a serial killer, her brother had killed their step-mother and then her father had been put on trial for that murder, after her father had shot her other brother. Life was crazy and Ethan had been the glue that had held her together. He'd provided her with company, with an escape, and she couldn't forgive herself for treating him the way that she had. She grabbed a pillow and held it to her chest, all she wanted was for him to be able to look at her again.
The last several months whenever they'd run into each other, and those moments were few and far between, he'd acted like she hadn't even existed. That smile that she'd fallen in love with was no longer meant for her. She just wanted him to be able to look at her again. He'd looked at her tonight, eyes blazing with emotion and hatred.
"I don't want to stand here and listen to your reasons and hate you even more for them."
Kristina had expected that he hated her, she had just never expected him to say it out loud. It hurt more than she wanted to admit. The only thing that she had ever wanted was for him to like her, love her, want her. Now all she wanted, would have given anything for, was for him to forgive her. With a sigh she rolled over and eventually fell into an uneasy sleep.
The weeks passed for Ethan slowly. He'd find himself at random times looking at his phone, wishing for a message from her, for another opportunity. He felt like he couldn't be the one to talk to her, in his eyes it admitted a weakness that he couldn't afford to have when it came her. So life went on and he went on with it. November brought with it a cold front that lingered and it finally began to feel like Autumn on the cusp of Winter. As the holidays approached Ethan sunk deeper into his sullen, quiet, moods. It was times like these when he wondered why he stayed in Port Charles anyway.
It was a time for friends and family and for the most part he felt like he had none. Luke was off doing whatever it was Luke did, and Lucky and Lulu made themselves scarce to him. Lucky still stopped by occasionally to talk, see how he was doing. Lulu also visited and Ethan hated having to force the smiles and the laughter, pretending that he had forgotten how they had believed that he was capable of doing what had been done to Kristina. He was bitter, he resented them, he couldn't help it. Again, he wondered, why he stayed? How nice it would be to get a fresh start. Some place warm, bright, not filled with the memories of loneliness and betrayal.
Ethan often thought of leaving but he could never muster up the motivation to actually do it. Leaving would accomplish so many things, but on principle he couldn't do it. He couldn't let her win. He knew his thought process was flawed, but if he left, that meant that Kristina had destroyed him. He couldn't give a teenage girl that power over him. So he would make the pretense of moving on, of being happy, and he'd do it with a bloody smile on his face.
Ethan was on his way to Kelly's for a cup of coffee and he knew what he was doing. He wanted to see her. She might be there. He didn't know what he'd say or do if she was. He just knew that he wanted to see her. He ran his fingers through his hair, telling himself not to bother analyzing that thought. The look on her face as he had turned and walked away from her flashed through his mind. He rubbed his hands together, trying to warm them up, get his mind off of her. He enjoyed walking, enjoyed the cold air on his face, the pale light coming from the fading sun hiding behind the heavy clouds. It suited his mood.
He arrived at Kelly's and was immediately reminded of the time he'd come here for a cup of coffee after Kristina had accused him. He'd had a temporary lack in brain function and had forgotten that Mike was Kristina's grandfather. That outing had ended with him being kicked out and told never to show his woman-beating face around there again.
Woman-beater. He'd gotten used to be calling that. Because of her.
The lights from Kelly's shone bright and cheery and Ethan welcomed the rush of warm air as he opened the door and stepped inside. He barely came here any more and he was surprised at how much he missed it. He looked around and just as he figured, there she was, sitting at a table by herself, a cup of coffee and books and papers spread out in front of her. She hadn't heard him enter and he was glad for that.
It almost physically hurt him to see her sitting there. He was plagued by memories, of the good times when he looked at her and felt happy. He'd taught her how to play poker here, he'd saved her from Kiefer, talked with her, laughed with her. He felt like his thoughts were mocking him. He didn't want to think about those times. Sometimes he was half convinced they had never existed.
Ethan took a deep breath and walked right past her to the counter. The waitress asked him what he wanted and he told her. As soon as the words left his lips he could feel Kristina's eyes on him and he resisted the urge to turn around and meet her gaze. He missed her. He hated himself for that admission but it was true. Missed her laughter, her exuberance, the way that she smiled at him. He found himself chewing on his bottom lip, worrying, thinking, wondering what he should do.
His thoughts were interrupted by the waitress returning with his coffee. Ethan took a deep breath and turned around, coffee in hand. It was time to leave. He'd got what he'd came for. He'd seen her. It hadn't solved anything, didn't fix the emptiness that he felt inside. He spared a glance at her only to see that Kristina had preoccupied herself with her homework. As he walked past her he crushed the urge to stop and say something to her. It was better this way, better to just leave. He wondered when he'd gotten so self destructive.
Ethan made it outside and into the cool air. The coffee warmed his hands if not the coldness that was beginning to thread its way through his veins. He began the walk back to the docks, to the Haunted Star, to the emptiness that he knew awaited him there.
"Ethan! Ethan wait!"
Ethan stopped walking and closed his eyes. He was so conflicted. Months had gone by and not a day passed when he didn't think of her. There were days when he hated her, resented her, but there were the days when he missed talking over a cup of coffee, making her laugh, knowing that she was alright.
"Can I walk with you?" she asked hesitantly, arms wrapped around herself, she must have forgotten her coat inside.
"It's freezing out here, you should go back inside," he said softly. He couldn't meet her gaze, couldn't see the look of hope in her eyes knowing that he was going to eventually crush her. He started to walk away, only to find her following.
"I'll be okay," she said, keeping pace with his long strides. He walked slower so that she could keep up. Maybe it was finally time that they had a talk. He wasn't ready, but he didn't think that he ever would be. He had sought her out tonight for a reason, whether he admitted it or not. He wanted to talk to her, he wanted to find some sort of peace. What he really wanted, although he was loathe to admit it, was to forgive her.
"Will you let me talk, please?" Kristina asked and Ethan didn't have the heart to say anything so he simply nodded.
"I'm sorry for what I did to you. I don't have any reasons or excuses that will make it better. I wish I did, I wish I could give you that. Honestly… honestly, I just wanted to hurt you as much as you had hurt me."
Ethan stopped, suppressing the surge of anger. That was her reason? He felt the familiar walls and boundaries rising up inside of him. Blocking her out, pushing away all of the good things that he had ever felt for her.
"I went to the Haunted Star that night so sure that I could make you see me, really see me, like no one else ever had. You were going to be… my everything. You were going to save me from Kiefer, make me feel beautiful… loved. Do you remember when you told me that I was pretty and any guy would be lucky to have me? I wanted you to be that guy. When I was with Kiefer I never felt like I was good enough, or sexy enough, or pretty enough. You didn't make me feel that way. You liked hanging out with me and just talking to me. It wasn't about sex or anything else. It was just about me. I really, really, wanted that. When you rejected me I felt like… like I wasn't good enough after all. Like you were saying that I deserved Kiefer."
Ethan still couldn't bring himself to move, to walk away.
"If I had known that Kiefer was beating you I never would have let you think for one moment that you deserved it," he said softly.
"I know. That night, I stood him up for you, you know? When he found out he was so angry… When I was laying in the hospital bed, after it happened, I just kept thinking that if you would have just wanted to be with me, none of it would have happened. I would have gotten away from Kiefer, I would have had everything that I had ever wanted in you. I felt like you took that all away from me and I just didn't understand. All I had left was Kiefer, and if I would have said his name I would have been left with nothing. What I did was wrong. I know that and I'm so sorry that I blamed you, not just for hurting me, but for everything."
Ethan looked at her, standing there, shivering in the cold, and it was hard to keep hold of the anger. It was hard to process everything that she was saying. He knew that she was sorry, it was impossible not to believe that. Ethan ran his free hand through his hair. He wished Sam had never had that "talk" with him about Kristina. Maybe if she hadn't he wouldn't have started pushing Kristina away. He mentally chastised himself, that wasn't true, he would have begun to distance himself eventually. He had seen that Kristina was falling for him and honestly, well, it hadn't bothered him all that much. He turned his attention back to her.
"Forgive me? I don't care how long it takes, I just… I need to know that one day you can forgive me."
Ethan wanted to give her what she asked, he wanted so badly to put everything behind them, embark on a new beginning, recapture something, anything, of what they used to have. He just wasn't sure he could.
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