Touch Me, Trust Me
XxX

It was early morning, almost still dark out, when Lindsay heard a yowling from Ayesha. When Lindsay didn't wake up fast enough, the yowling wasfollowed by sharp claws digging into her arm. Lindsay let out a yelp and sat up in time to see Ayesha bolting back and forth between Erik's room and her.

"No!"

It took about half a second for Lindsay to understand Erik must be much worse, maybe even already-

No, she wouldn't let herself think that.

She followed Ayesha to find Erik clutching at his chest with his right hand and trying unsuccessfully to move his left. His breathing sounded like he was choking.

Lindsay felt herself growing overheated and dizzy. She'd never fainted from fear, but now she knew she was close to it.

Oh no you don't, she scolded herself, you are not going to pass out on Erik now. You are not going to be a wuss when he needs you worst.

Their last conversation ran through her mind, how he said he'd like to thank her for everything- like he was saying goodbye. And he hadn't asked about her taking Ayesha until that day. When he'd sang her the lullaby, he'd deliberately put her to sleep. And he'd said Nadir wouldn't wake up until morning. He must have slipped him something to make him sleep.

He knew.

He knew there was going to be an attack bad enough to kill him.

She flipped on the lightswitch and started running to him and immediately there was an almost animalistic scream.

"No! Go away! Don't look! Don't look!"

He must have taken off his mask to ease his breathing, and now Lindsay had a full on view of his face.

Much later when she had a chance to think about it, she would wonder; if she hadn't had an idea of what was under the mask ahead of time, or if she hadn't known it was Erik, if she would have been afraid.

It looked like the books described, with eyes sunk so far back they were hard to see, an effect that had been worsened by his illness. There was no nose, which along with the translucent skin made his face look like a skull. The books hadn't exaggerated that. The lips were malformed, and there were only a few locks of black hair on his head.

The whole effect was worsened by the fact that his face was contorted in pain, and that was the
only thing on her mind just then.

She was never given the opportunity to be creeped out. Right then she was only worried about him himself as he threw his right hand over his face in a defensive gesture.

"Erik it's OK. I couldn't care less about what you look like. It's just a face. I know it's still you behind it. Here, let me help you. I promise I'm not going to scream or faint or run or anything like that."

Eventually Erik slowly lowered his hand, and the face was exposed agin, but Lindsay looked into his yellow eyes, not staring.

"See? It's still you. " She almost started rambling, just to keep from thinking about how close to death Erik was, but she had to make herself focus.

"Erik you need a doctor."

"No! No doctors!"

Even being so sick his voice held power and command, almost forcing her to obey him. If there had been any choice, in a different situation, it would have worked, but there was simply no choice but to disobey.

"Erik I can't treat a heart attack! I know you've had minor ones before that didn't need a doctor but this one-. You have to let me help," she pleaded.

"Let me die with dignity. I don't want to die like a freak on display."

She had to calm him down as well as convince him.

"Erik the doctors will just help you through this attack. Nobody's going to hurt you. And I'll be with you the whole time, or at least if they do make me stand out of the room when they examine you I'll be close enough to hear you if you need me –"

There'd been a promise that had seemed unbreakable in the Leroux book. What had it been?

"Erik I swear it as I hope to be saved. Just trust me on this."

Finally, shaking so bad Lindsay was afraid he was going to go into a seizure, he nodded and squeezed her hand.

Without giving him a chance to change his mind Lindsay called for an ambulance. She had to let go of his hand to dial, but immediately took it again, trying to calm him and reassure him as she stayed on the line with the dispatcher and gave them her address and explained what was going on.

Only then did it register that this was the first time they'd touched other than when she'd helped steady him to bring him here.

His hand was like ice. She'd never felt a living person that cold, and it scared her, but she tried to calm herself for his sake.

She hadn't been sure what to do about Nadir and was about to just leave him a note when he came into the room.

Apparently whatever Erik had given him to make him sleep had worn off, or else it was closer to morning than Lindsay had thought.

"Allah!" he exclaimed, the heavy grogginess leftover gone as soon as he saw Erik.

Erik turned his face away and groped for the mask.

"Erik you need to leave it off. Nadir's seen you without the mask before. Or- Nadir maybe you'd better step outside the door. I've called an ambulance, so some people will be coming to help Erik soon. Just let them in and then we'll head to the hospital."

Nadir was clearly surprised Erik had let Lindsay call for help, but did as asked and stepped out.

Ayesha was frantic by now, and Lindsay knew the cat would have to be put in her carrier or she'd be a real problem for the paramedics. She would think they were trying to hurt him, wouldn't understand that they were trying to help.

Lindsay apologetically closed the door on her just as the men came in. Erik refused to get on the stretcher, so it was up to Lindsay and Nadir to help him outside to the ambulance.

It was another argument to convince the driver that Erik needed them along, but seeing there was no way they'd be able to get Erik to come without the others and that he needed someone to keep him calm, he finally agreed.

It was the first time Erik or Nadir had ridden in a car, but everyone was too focused on Erik's health to think of that just then.

At the hospital, Lindsay and Nadir weren't allowed to come into the room while tests were run on Erik's heart. The best Lindsay could do was to ask Erik to please cooperate with the doctors and tell him she'd see him shortly.

Forced to wait outside, Lindsay began to think about Christine. If she were here, Erik would be trying to stay alive instead of giving up.

It should have been her place to be here with Erik, or rather by his side in their world. She shouldn't have left him. She'd known what it would do to Erik.

Hadn't she told Raoul Erik would die if she left?

Hadn't she said she'd come back to bury Erik? And now if Erik didn't make it, Lindsay would have to bring Erik's body back so Christine could keep her word. She couldn't help feeling a rush of anger towards Christine.

No, she realized. That was wrong. Even Erik, as much as it had hurt, had known Christine had a right to love who she chose. But still, she wished there would have been some way Erik could have been spared the pain.

It felt like forever before the doctor came out, a grim look on his face.

"Is Erik going to be all right?" Lindsay asked.

The doctor shrugged wearily and sighed.

"We had to sedate him. I've never seen a patient with such willpower. He should have been asleep with the dose we gave him, but he's still half conscious. We managed to get him stabilized though, and tomorrow we'll start him on some medication. You've been giving him aspirin?"

Lindsay nodded. Had she accidentally hurt Erik somehow?

"That most likely saved his life. Not that he's out of the woods yet, but it kept the damage to his heart from being a lot worse. The EKG showed he's had attacks before this, and it's clear he hasn't been taking care of himself. It's a wonder his heart didn't quit long ago, and this one sure weakened it."

"There will be lasting effects then?"

Erik wouldn't take well to that.

"He will have trouble using his left harm for awhile, but it should be back to normal in a few days. He's going to need to take better care of himself from now on though if he wants to be an old man someday."

Seeing the worried look on Lindsay and Nadir's faces he added; "A lot of his recovery will depend on him, and from what I've seen of his willpower today, he has more than a good chance."

He checked something on the chart he was carrying and then asked; "Is there anyone else besides the two of you who should be contacted?"

"No."

"I thought I'd better ask. He's been calling for someone named Christine. Do either of you know her?"

Lindsay flinched. Would Erik ever get over her enough to move on?

"She- she was someone he loved very much, but she left him."

"I can understand why," the doctor said. "That face of his."

For once Lindsay saw extreme anger in Nadir's eyes, and knew her expression must be the same as his.

"I shouldn't have said that," the doctor said quickly. "I've just never seen anything like it."

"Erik's suffered a lot because of his face," Lindsay said harshly. "Can we see him now?"

"He's only half conscious," the doctor told them. "He should be falling asleep soon. But I don't see what harm it would do if you want to be in the room."

Even in sleep Erik didn't look peaceful. Peace and joy had been denied to him for so long it was a miracle he even knew how to feel them anymore.

Somewhere on the edge of being asleep and awake, Erik pleaded "Don't go! Don't leave me here in the dark!"

Lindsay wasn't sure who he was pleading to. Was he awake enough to know she was there? Or did he mean Christine? His mother? Either way, he needed to be reassured.

"Of course I won't leave you, Erik. I'm right here."

She knew it would seem silly to some, but the words to the song seemed appropriate just then, although she spoke them instead of singing.

"I'm here, with you, beside you."

Erik seemed to relax slightly at that. Lindsay glanced at the machines that monitored his heartbeat and breathing. maybe it was wishful thinking on her part, but it looked to her as if they steadied.

She squeezed Erik's hand, but there was no response.

He was sound asleep.

-

-

When Erik opened his eyes, everything seemed too bright and there was an annoying beeping coming from the monitors.

His face- there was something strapped there but it wasn't his mask. It smelled strange and only covered his mouth and where his nose should have been.

No! His face was exposed! He reached around for his mask but it was nowhere to be found.

He tried to cover his face with his hands, but his left hand wouldn't work.

Using his right he pulled the blanket over his face feeling humiliated. He hated being weak, vulnerable, and especially knowing that the doctors and nurses had seen his face.

Had they been gawking at him like the freak he was?

At least the only people in the room now besides himself were Lindsay and Nadir. His eyes lit on Lindsay and he saw that she had a rosary in her hands.

She'd been praying for him? Surely she didn't believe God would listen to a prayer for him. God hadn't answered when he'd prayed for Christine's love.

No, God didn't care about a monster like him. Hadn't all he'd been through proven that?

He noticed there were plates setting on the window ledge. She'd been eating her meals there? She didn't want to be ill at the sight of him?

Music was playing softly in the background, a classical piano piece. He'd already noticed Lindsay loved music. Yet she never sang. She visibly fought to keep from singing whenever she played a song with words.

Sometimes she'd mouth the words and be so involved with a song that sound would almost come out, but she always stopped herself.

His guess was that he couldn't sing and knew it.

But her not singing was like a bird not flying. Maybe if he was around long enough he could-

No. Better not to even start thinking along those lines. He should be angry at her anyway for making him come here, and for Nadir for going along with the idea. Still, he knew she'd done it because she thought it was best for him, and however reluctantly he had to admire her for not just bowing down and giving in to him. If she had, he'd be dead now.

Yet now she smiled at him when she turned and saw him awake.

"Feeling better?"

Instead of answering he asked, "Where is my mask?"

"I have it right here, but you need to leave it off. Your breathing-"

"My breathing is much easier. I need the mask." He already had the breathing mask off and seemed able to breathe well enough without it.

Lindsay cautiously handed it to him, knowing he needed to be kept calm.

"I really wish you'd just hold it and leave it off for now."

"I won't have you endure my face out of pity."

"It's not out of pity. Your face really doesn't bother me. It's still you behind it. And this way I can actually see you. I mean see what you're thinking. It's hard having to go just by your eyes."

Erik lowered the blanket a little and glanced at Nadir.

"I've already seen your face Erik. And if you can't trust me now after all we've been through-" Nadir said a little sadly.

Erik lowered the blanket all the way and looked at his friend.

"Forgive me, Daroga."

"There's nothing to forgive, my friend."

"I don't mean just for this," Erik gestured towards his face. "I could have killed you before- the night she left. I'd completely lost my mind. I never did apologize for that. I nearly never got the chance to. And yet you still stand by me, even after that. My God, I could even have killed her! I would have if she hadn't kissed me and brought me out of it."

He groaned. "The boy was right to take her from me. I wasn't safe for her."

"Try not to think of that now," Nadir told him. "The important thing is you came to yourself again. And for now you need to just rest and get well."

It was hard for Erik not to think about it. The idea that he could have killed his best friend sickened him. He'd been hurt before when Nadir had told him that he didn't know what he was capable of with his veins full of morphine.

At the time he'd never imagined he'd ever hurt Nadir. Except in Persia Erik had never killed unless it was necessary. Then, when he knew Christine was leaving he'd lost his mind even worse than when he'd been on the Khanum's drugs. If he'd have killed her he'd have done away with himself immediately after. He couldn't have lived with that.

He needed to distract himself from that line of thinking. He tried fidgeting with the mask in his hands, but his left hand still wouldn't work.

"Did anyone say anything about my arm?"

Lindsay nodded.

"It won't work for a few days, but it should come back as good as before. Like Nadir said, the important thing is just that you're recovering. For awhile we were worried you wouldn't. If it weren't for Ayesha we wouldn't have got you help until it was too late."

At the look on Erik's face she added, "Don't worry about her. Nadir stayed with you long enough for me to go back and let her out of the carrier and feed her. That's when I picked up the CD player too. I thought music would relax you."

So now Erik owed his life to Nadir, Lindsay, and Ayesha. He wasn't sure if he liked owing so many people. But he couldn't deny it felt good to have people showing they cared.

Whatever reason he had for wanting to live, little as it was, he owed to Lindsay. He thought of the poem she'd written him. He'd memorized it, wanting to keep it as one of the few memories of kindness he had. The words would stay with him.

The storm's past,
But scars last.
Let them heal.
The clouds will pass, morning will come
The pain's still there
But know that someone cares.

A new song has begun
The mirror lies
And so do human eyes.
They can't see down to the soul.

A loving heart
So cruelly torn apart
But please let its song be sung.
No more fears.
No more tears.

If the world gets a chance to see
Such beauty waits in you to be set free.
Don't let go,
Let hope grow
Light will comeAnd show your way to what can be.
There's hope for you
And you will see it's true.
A new song has begun

He'd meant it when he said there was music in the poem. When he'd read it he'd actually heard it sung. But then, there was always music in his mind.

He thought of the words again. She believed there was hope for him. She cared about him. She wouldn't let him give up.

He wished she would.

Death was easy. Life was harder.

His own mother had told him she wished he were dead. He'd never forget her telling him there were plenty of angels in Hell and she wished he were with them.

And yet Mademoiselle Brighton- or Lindsay as she politely asked him to call her- had done everything she could possibly do to save is life, even against his will and using a device he got the impression she hadn't been supposed to use.

Even though she was afraid of him.

She must have been afraid the way she'd held her hand at the level of her eyes.

XxX
AN: I didn't plan on making this so long, but the chapter break seemed to belong here. Hope you all like it. Thanks to my reviewers and to Anawey for betaing and publishing. The rhythm of the poem is a bit off, but it's meant to be to the tune of "Til I Hear You Sing." That was going through my head when I wrote it.