Author's Message: Skins Mock The Week Again!

Yes! It's back by popular demand! Well, what I really mean is that some of you liked it enough the first time round to persuade me to do a second one so here it is. I've brought in a couple of new characters to mix things up a bit. As always, I'd love to hear from anyone out there with their comments!

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DO:Hello and welcome to a special Christmas Skins edition of Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Frankie Boyle, Pandora Moon and Katie Fitch on one team and Cook, Naomi Campbell and JJ on the other team.

Wild applause and cheering breaks out from the studio audience. Frankie Boyle is one team captain and has sitting on either side of him Pandora and Katie. Cook is the other team captain and has Naomi and JJ sitting on either side of him.

DO:We start with a round called 'If this is the Answer, what is the Question?'

Let's see what the answer is flashing up on the screen.

All the panellists turn towards the giant screen in the studio and watch as the answer comes up 'Three pornos, two Ninja stars and a butt plug.'

DO:Okay, so your answer is'Three pornos, two Ninja stars and a butt plug.'

But what is the question?

KF:Is it 'What did Naomi ask Santa Claus to bring her for Christmas this year when she visited him in his grotto? (Naomi stares across at Katie and gives her an obviously fake smile)

NC:Well, sticking with the Christmas theme that Katie so imaginatively brought up, is it 'What does Katie think comes after Five Gold Rings and Four Calling Birds in the festive song 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'?'

KF:Oh, ha ha, Campbell! Is that the best you can do? I'm almost pissing myself already. Did you get that one out of a Christmas cracker?

JJ:Is the question 'What would be the unusual contents of Cook's shopping bag if he ever got invited onto the TV programme Ready Steady Cook?'

I mean, Cook probably wouldn't know it was a cooking programme, he'd think it was a show all about him so he would just turn up with what he normally carries around in a bag.

C:Oh, so it's going to be like that, is it, Gay Jay? Right then, you asked for it. You've set the tone for the evening. Is the question 'If JJ can't find a girl drunk enough, blind enough or stupid enough to sleep with him when he goes clubbing with me and the others, what does he go home to which helps relieve his sexual frustrations?'

FB:Is it 'Instead of a fucking Oxford English dictionary, what should the winner of each series of Countdown be given as a prize?' I mean if you win such a shit programme like that you'd want to walk away with at least something useful, wouldn't you?'

PM:Is it 'What was I offered as a swap in exchange for my virginity by the weirdest boy in college?' I mean, he was seriously doo-lally, you know. He even made JJ look completely normal.

NCIs it 'What confiscated items was Cook looking for in Kieran's desk during the riots after the election result?

DO:That is of course the correct answer, Naomi. At the end of that round, ladies and gentlemen, the points go to Cook, Naomi and JJ!

Our next round is called 'Headliners'. Here's a picture taken from series 3, episode 6 of Naomi in her bedroom calling Emily on her mobile phone on the day of their bike ride. But what does C.W.G.S. stand for?

C:Is it 'Cook Wants Great Sex?' I know that's not a question, it's just a statement of fact. It's actually one of the world's great truths, like toast always falling butter side down or Pandora liking doughnuts. Although why Naomikins felt the need to ring Ems up and tell her that, fuck knows. I'm sure she already knew that.

NC:Actually I'm sure I remember what I was thinking at the time I rang Ems. I had woken up feeling incredibly horny and of course there were no decent, real men around for miles (looking at Cook in particular with acontemptuous sneer on her face). Now normally in that situation I would have to satisfy my sexual frustrations by having a wank but I suddenly thought of Ems and I said to myself 'Christ! Why Go Solo?' Call her up! She's bound to oblige.

JJ:Actually, following on from what Naomi's just said, I think if it had been me I would have been saying 'Constant Wanking Generates Soreness.' At least, that what I've learned from years and years of personal experience. I suppose that's why I'm so keen to get a girlfriend. I mean, she couldn't possibly wear it out as much as I've done over the years.

KF:Is it 'Crazy Wags Get Shagged?' Like, all the time! And I get to choose from a whole football team! Naomi, you'll have to talk me through what this sexual frustration is all about. I've never come across this concept before. Is it something only peroxide blonde lesbians suffer from?

NC:Katie, the reason why you don't understand the term sexual frustration is because both words have got more letters in them than you can possibly cope with.

PM:Does C.W.G.S. stand for 'Chocolate Willies Give Stomach-aches?' Because I ate about twenty of them the other night after dinner and within an hour I was being sick all over the place. Then after I'd been sick I felt heaps better and so I had some more. They were wizard! They're the nearest I've ever got to a real willy as well. Effy says a real one doesn't taste quite so much of chocolate, though. Unless of course you smear it with chocolate first…………' (Pandora gazes off dreamily into the distance).

C:Hey, Panda, you bring round the chocolate and I'll supply the willy!

FB:There seems to be a very strong penis theme running through this round, which of course happens to be my specialist subject, as you no doubt remember from last time. I think Naomi was actually doing a very subtle bit of advertisement here. She was extolling the virtues to Emily of the vibrator as a means of relieving sexual frustration and Emily asked her why she didn't go out and find a man instead. Naomi's answer was obviously 'Cocks Will Go Soft!'

PM:I suspect the real answer had nothing to do with cocks or vibrators. Was it 'Can We Go Somewhere?'

DB: That is indeed the right answer, Pandora. The points in that round go to Frankie, Katie and Pandora!!

Now we come to a round called 'Stand up and be counted'. This will involve Cook, Naomi, Katie and Pandora, so will all four contestants make their way to the performance area, please? (All four Skins characters get up from their seats and walk over to their places, Katie and Pandora lining up alongside each other on the far side of the studio and Naomi and Cook taking their places next to one another on the near side.)

This is where we test our contestants' stand-up skills. We spin our picture generator, it settles on a topic and any one of the performers can volunteer to tell jokes about the chosen picture subject. The winning team is the one I consider to have produced the funniest gags. OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The wheel spins round for several seconds and comes to rest on a picture of a teacher in front of a blackboard.

The first subject is teachers. Who wants to start off on that topic?

(Cook confidently struts to the middle of the stage, milking the applause and the chanting of his name that rings out)

OK, Cook.

C:So…. Teachers. My favourite brand of whisky, distilled in the Scottish Highlands since the nineteenth century. A bottle of that is the perfect chaser, I find, before throwing down a dozen or so lagers and starting a couple of pointless fights to achieve that really satisfactory night out.

What? Oh, not that sort of teachers? Okay, if you say so. Right... teachers. Well, here I have to agree with Edwin Starr in the words of his most famous song: 'Teachers – what are they good for? Absolutely nothing!'

I mean, come on, you have got to have so little imagination to want to become a teacher, don't you. I've studied my subject for ten fucking years, passed all the exams, got a fucking degree in it. The world is my oyster now; I can do whatever I like. I know what; I'll spend the next thirty miserable years of my life trying to help some other poor fuckers to pass it as well! Jesus Christ! Get a life!

Look at Doug, for example, at our college. The poor bastard's completely under Harriet's thumb, he can't think for himself without having to check with her first. The poor sod can't even fart without her hearing about it. Nor the rest of us, come to think of it.

DO:Thank you very much, Cook! (Cook goes back to his spot next to Naomi whilst acknowledging the wild cheers of all his fans in the audience by raising his clenched fists above his head in a typically macho posture) OK, let's spin the wheel again.

The wheel spins around again and comes to land on a picture of the Houses of Parliament. OK, the subject is politics. Who wants to take that subject?

(Naomi steps forward with a confident, relaxed stride to take her place in the middle of the floor).

NC:Well, as you know, I'm very interested in politics and if I became Prime Minister the first thing I'd do is to pass a law to make voting in a general election compulsory. I mean, come on, how difficult can it be to pick one candidate out of a list of four or five and put a cross in a box. Even Katie could do that. After all, that's how she normally signs her name, isn't it, Katie? (Katie gives her the middle finger and pulls a face at Naomi).

Of course I got my first taste of running for political office when I stood for Student President last year against Cook and some other loser – I can't even remember his name. Mind you, if I hadn't found out about Harriet's voting scam and exposed her I would have been declared the winner despite loads of votes having not even been counted. Guess that's the closest I'll get to knowing what it's like to be George Bush!

The only thing that puts me off going into politics as a career is that the media tends to concentrate only on personalities rather than policies which are what's really important. I guess that rules out Katie ever moving into politics because she doesn't have a personality!

DO:Thank you very much, Naomi! So that leaves us with Pandora and Katie. Let's see what the next subject is, shall we? The wheel spins around again and comes to rest on a picture of some footballers kicking a ball around.

It's football. Who would like to come in on that one? Katie! Really? Go on then.

KF:I've definitely got this one covered seeing as I'm the only person here who used to go out with a footballer, so I know loads about it. Well, it's the World Cup next year, isn't it, in South Africa? That's going to be really exciting, eh? I remember asking my ex Danny one day why Bristol Rovers Reserves hadn't qualified for the World Cup and he just looked at me in that way men do when they think a girl's asked them a really dumb question about football. He just laughed, shook his head in pity and said, 'Christ, Katie, hasn't going out with me taught you anything? Bristol Rovers Reserves aren't going to the World Cup because we're not good enough! Even if we could get Ronaldo and Messi on loan for a year we still wouldn't qualify!'

Still, I did make one suggestion which he thought was a really good one. I said instead of having a penalty shoot-out at the end of a game when nobody won – which England always lose anyway – why don't they have a game of keepy-uppy in its place? Don't all the other countries moan about England always kicking the ball up in the air instead of keeping it on the ground like they do? If they brought in keepy-uppy to decide a game then England would win everything! Danny was thinking of writing to his local MP with that idea. I don't know if they ever decided to try it out, though.

DO:OK, that just leaves Pandora. Let's see what topic you're left with, Panda.

(A picture of a library full of rows and rows of books appears on the screen). It's literature. Take it away, Panda.

PM:Wow! Literature. That's a big word, innit? Books, I suppose you mean. Yeah. I read a book once! It was…… green, I think. Or maybe it was black. I'm not very good with colours. Or with book titles. But it was a really wicked book. It was all about this man with long, dark hair and a beard who did these amazing magic tricks, just like JJ does. Like, he turned water into wine and he walked on water and ….stuff like that. Not that I've ever seen JJ turn water into wine. I suppose JJ wouldn't really be interested in learning that trick coz he doesn't drink wine or any other alcohol.

But walking on water would be fun, wouldn't it? And you'd save tons of money on air fares, wouldn't you? Mind you, your shoes would get ruined with all that water so you'd probably have to buy dozens of shoes for the journey so you probably wouldn't save that much in the end. Anyway, books. My favourite book of all time is Alice in Wonderland coz I love the Mad Hatter's Tea Party where they eat all those fantastic cakes and jelly and ice cream. It's absolutely wizard! I don't remember if they played Twister afterwards. I bet they did.

Have you ever played Twister? It's the most fun game in the whole world. It's really easy to play. You've got to put your hands and your feet on the coloured circles on the Twister mat and you end up in the most amazing positions! It really helps if you're double jointed, I reckon. And then at the end of the game you get shagged by Cook. You should all try it!

DO:OK, thank you Panda. That's the end of that round and I'm going to give the points for that round to Pandora!

Now we come to our final quick-fire round called 'Scenes We'd Like To See'. This is for everyone so if you'd all like to make your way to the performance area, please. I call out ideas for scenarios we'd love to see and the performers come in with their suggestions. (All six performers make their way over to the performance area standing in their respective teams).

OK, here we go with the first topic which is….. 'Worst things to say to JJ when he gets locked on.'

Katie immediately steps forward into the middle of the floor. After each joke the performer walks back to his or her original position and the next performer steps forward to take his/her place).

KF:For fuck's sake, JJ, this birthday stripper gram cost me a bloody fortune. Don't freak out now before she's even started taking anything off!

PM:Have you tried holding your breath or would you rather I dropped a spoon down your back?

NC:JJ, is this going to last long? Because if it is, perhaps you should pull out now before you get stuck for good.

C:If you don't shut the fuck up, JJ, there's nothing else for it. I'm going to have to beat the crap out of you.

FB:I haven't got a pair of tits to flash at you to calm you down. Will my cock do instead?

JJ:It's OK, JJ; I don't think anyone else in the room has noticed – they're all busy having epileptic fits.

DO:OK! The next topic is……. 'Strangest things to hear said whilst holding hands through a cat flap'.

PM:I wouldn't open the door if I were you – I haven't washed for a week!'

KF:This safe sex idea of yours is all very sensible and commendable but when can we get down to some proper shagging?

NC:How long did the doctor say it would take for your herpes to be completely cleared up?

FB:The last time I sat talking to someone through a cat flap I got the best blow job I've ever had.

JJ:Well, it's been really nice talking to you like this but I'm afraid I still don't want to buy any life insurance.

C:Now that you've finished taking a piss through the cat flap, are you actually going to come in and eat your dinner?

KF:JJ, it's a bit difficult to fully appreciate how good your magic tricks are when there's a fucking door between us!

NC:So, Ems, are you seriously thinking of getting a cat or is this just a decorative feature?

DO:OK! The next topic is……. 'Worst unique fact about yourself to reveal to the rest of the class on the first day of term.'

C:Hi, I'm Cook. I'm actually twenty-eight years old but I thought I'd get to shag loads of sixteen year old girls if I went back to school.

PM:I'm Pandora. I'm so desperate to lose my virginity that I'll even let a complete minger shag me if he agrees to put a bag over his head.

KF:Hi, I'm Katie (looks around the studio for approval). I've never not been superficial, shallow or stupid since I was seven years old.

JJ:I'm JJ. I'm actually really shit at maths; I just have an anally retentive memory.

NC:(sighs heavily first, then looks around the studio and scowls at everyone) I'm Naomi. I hate Fathers For Justice. People throw pies at me.

FB:Hi. I'm Emily. I've never had a girlfriend - but I'll give it a go if it makes me more intriguing and popular with boys who constantly fantasise about teenage lesbians.

DO:And at the end of that round the points go to Cook, Naomi and JJ!

That's the end of the show and this week's winners are Cook, Naomi and JJ for the extraordinary number of cock and wanking jokes they managed to come up with tonight!

Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O'Briain. Goodnight!