Author's Message: The Return of Skins Mock The Week!

Having said a couple of months ago that I wouldn't be doing any more Skins fanfics, I've been encouraged and persuaded by a couple of recent reviews of my first two 'sketches' to change my mind and write a third Skins Mock The Week!

I have such great fun writing these that I'm tempted to suggest that I could write one every month but I'm sure people would become bored with reading them after a while. Still, if any of you would like to see me write these 'sketches' on a more regular basis, please do let me know. As always, I'd love to hear from any Skins fans out there with their comments and reviews. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this brand new, Series 4-based, Skins Mock The Week!


DO: Hello and welcome to a special Skins Series 4 edition of Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me in the studio this week are Frankie Boyle, James Cook and Katie Fitch on one team and Andy Parsons, Naomi Campbell and Emily Fitch on the other team.

Wild applause and raucous cheering breaks out amongst the assembled studio audience. Frankie Boyle is one team captain and has sitting on either side of him Cook and Katie. In a break with tradition, Andy Parsons is standing in for Hugh Dennis as the other team captain and has Naomi and Emily sitting on either side of him.

DO: We start with a round called 'If this is the Answer, what is the Question?'

Let's see what the answer is flashing up on the screen.

All the panellists turn towards the giant screen in the studio and watch as the answer comes up as quite simply '8'.

DO: Okay, so your answer is'8.' But what is the question?

FB: Is it 'How many baseball bats does your average psychotic psychiatrist keep in his house?' (Cook visibly winces at Frankie's answer). Sorry, Cook but this is no programme to come on if you're overly sensitive or sentimental. I mean, let's face it, was this Foster character ever seen without a baseball bat in his hand? And where was the traditional baseball cap? Had they run out of money in the wardrobe department?

EF: On a slightly less gruesome note, is it 'What is the pass mark out of 100 to get a place at Harvard University?' Like, how the fuck else could Panda have suddenly become an Ivy League student at the end of the series? Before the last episode you wouldn't have bet on her being able to even spell philosophy, let alone write about it!

NC: Is it 'To the nearest foot, how tall actually is Giant Not-Naomi, sorry, I mean the beautiful Mandy?' Surely she must be at least eight foot tall because she kept banging her head on the sound boom all the time during filming. I'm sure all the still photos taken of her had to be printed in portrait rather than landscape.

AP: Is the question 'On a scale of 1 – 100, what was the average rating given by Skins fans on the final episode of the last series?' From what I've read on the website so far, it would seem that, apart from the Naomily reconciliation, fans weren't at all happy with how the other storylines were left hanging in the air at the end – which incidentally is probably what happened to that mad psychiatrist after Cook finished with him.

KF: Is it 'What is the collective IQ, on a good day, of all those brain-dead blonde bimbos at the hen night my Mum roped me in to help her organise?' I mean, I've never thought of myself as being particularly bright (she catches Naomi nodding furiously in agreement with her on the other team and glares at her) but when I compared myself to all of them I started feeling like I was a fucking genius.

JC: Is it 'How many inches of throbbing, pulsating manhood did Naomikins miss out on every time she turned down my perfectly reasonable request for a shag?'

NC: In your dreams, Cook. I'd rather shag Katie. That's how low down in the pecking order you are. Can we get back to reality for a moment? Is it 'How many times in succession do you have to repeat the name Arcia before it even begins to sound slightly less than totally revolting?' What sort of pathetic name is that, for fuck's sake? Did her obviously highly intelligent mother mean to call her Marcia but forgot it began with an 'M'? Or perhaps she thought the M was silent like the 'P' in psychiatrist.

EF I'm guessing the question has to be simply 'How many episodes were there in series 4?'

DO: That is of course the correct answer, Emily. At the end of that first round, ladies and gentlemen, the points go to Andy, Naomi and Emily!

Our next round is called 'Headliners'. Here's a picture taken from series 4, episode 1 of the new director of Roundview College, David Blood, talking to the teenagers in college. But what does 'I.W.E.Y.'stand for?

FB: Is it 'Intensive Wanking Eases Yearning'?....claims the General Medical Council in a newly published report on the alarming rise in sexually frustrated and psychotic psychiatrists in the U.K. They fear it might also be affecting jumped-up, authoritarian, power-crazy headmasters. Maybe if David Blood had whacked one off before going into college in the morning he wouldn't be feeling like picking a fight with everyone all the time.

NC: I reckon this is a bit of a long shot but is it 'I Wax Every Year'? I mean, I can't think for the life of me why that arsehole would have said such a ridiculous thing. That's much more likely to be something Katie would say, like, to explain her annual visit to her Mum's beauty salon before going on holiday. (Naomismiles patronisingly and falsely at Katie across the studio who has a face like thunder and is unable to stop her shoulders from twitching in indignation)

KF: Oh, you are fucking hilarious, Campbell. Like I'd go to my Mum's for a bikini waxing. I'd have thought that would be much more up your street, eh? Actually I've got an idea what this might be about. If I remember right it was the first day of term and the new head obviously wanted to make a good impression on us all and show us how much he had our best interests at heart. Now, some of you might not know but Emily's very keen on gardening and plants and all that kind of shit. She even brought one of her favourite plants into college that day to try to brighten the shithole up a bit. I think David Blood wanted to show how much he appreciated that kind gesture by telling us all 'I Watered Emily's Yucca.'

AP: Might the college director possibly be trying to give the students some helpful lifestyle advice, a few words of wisdom with the benefit of his vast experience of dealing with troubled teenagers? He might have been trying to get the message across: forget sex, drugs, alcohol, rock & roll, that's what my generation got off on! You kids need something different to give you inner peace and calm, to give you a sense of self-worth and meaning in life. Was he saying 'I Would Encourage Yoga'?

DO: That's a very good shout, Andy. Let me just double check that. (Dara looks down at his notes for a few seconds and then looks up again, shaking his head slowly and with an expression of regret.) No, I'm afraid not, there's absolutely no mention of yoga anywhere in the answer. Nice try though.

EF: Is it 'Interesting Word Excites Youngsters'? I seem to remember the director was boring the arse off us all, droning on and on about how things were going to change around the college now that Harriet had got the push and he was in charge. None of us were really paying much attention to the old fart until he came out with this word which really made us sit up and take notice for once. I can't remember what it was, though.

JC: Expunge. That was the word he used. He said 'I will Expunge You.' Fuck knows what it means but it sure sounds like something dirty and depraved. I wouldn't mind doing a bit of expunging myself but obviously not with that total nobhead. Hey, any of you girls fancy a quick expunge after the show?

DO: Judging by the look of horror and revulsion all over their faces, Cook, I don't think you've got any takers there. You'll have to find another sad victim to expunge. Try Arcia, she might be up for that. Anyway, that is indeed the right answer. The points in that round go to Frankie, Cook and Katie!!

Now we come to a round called 'The Wheel of News'. This will involve Cook, Naomi, Katie and Emily, so will all four contestants make their way to the performance area, please? (All four Skins characters get up from their seats and walk over to their places, Katie and Cook lining up alongside each other on the far side of the studio and Naomi and Emily taking their places next to one another on the near side.)

This is where we test our contestants' stand-up skills. We spin our picture generator, it settles on a topic and any one of the performers can volunteer to tell jokes about the chosen picture subject. The winning team is the one I consider to have produced the funniest gags. OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The wheel spins round for several seconds and comes to rest on a picture of a house with a board outside it saying 'Under Repossession'.

The first subject is a very topical one, given the current economic climate. It's house re-possessions. Who wants to go first on that important topic?

(Katie confidently moves to the middle of the stage,)

KF: (Gives a wry smile to the audience). I think I have this particular subject covered. Well, as you know, we lost our house because my Dad stuffed all the letters from the bank threatening repossession down the back of the sofa. But I blame the bank totally for getting us in this mess, not my Dad. I mean, for fuck's sake, this is the 21st century, not the Middle Ages. Who in their right mind sends a really important message by letter?! Why the hell didn't they send him a text message? Like anyone else over the age of about 25, Dad hasn't got a bloody clue how to read text messages. If the bank had sent him a Notice of Repossession by text then he would have had to come to me or Emily to find out what it said and then we would have known all about it and could have done something to save our house from being repossessed and got him out of the shit. Totally fucking irresponsible of the bank to send him a letter! I mean, they could even have sent him an email and copied the rest of us in on it! Whatever happened to customer service?!

DO: Thank you very much, Katie! (Katie goes back to her spot next to Naomi whilst acknowledging the appreciative cheers of all her fans in the audience) OK, let's spin the wheel again.

(The wheel spins around again and comes to land on a still picture of Naomi and Emily looking at the contents of Sophia's army cadet locker in disbelief.) OK, the subject is stalkers. Who feels confident about taking that subject?

(Naomi steps forward tentatively with a nervous, anxious look towards Emily who has screwed her face up in embarrassment and is staring at Naomi).

NC: I think I'm in the best position to talk about stalkers, don't you think? Yeah, it's pretty scary finding out someone's been stalking you behind your back. Although, on the positive side, it does mean you get to have your own personal bodyguard completely unpaid, free of charge. I mean, where else could you get a deal as good as that nowadays? After all, no self-respecting stalker is going to want to share you with any other fucked up nutter, are they? So a young girl can walk around the streets at night safe in the knowledge that no psycho's going to get within ten feet of her without her very own stalker getting to him first and taking him out. So girls, if you want peace of mind walking around your own neighbourhood, get yourself a stalker. It's far cheaper than a dog and they don't make nearly as much mess!

Mind you, you've got to be prepared for every single little detail of your private life, every personal possession you've ever owned to be seized upon by your stalker and taken away to be stored in their warped, perverted museum dedicated solely to you. Mine even went through my rubbish bins and nicked my Garibaldi biscuit wrappers and an old toothbrush. So be careful what you throw out. I'm just glad my old vibrator and my back copies of 'Redhead Lesbo Schoolgirls' magazines are still locked away in a cupboard at home!

DO: Thank you very much, Naomi! So that leaves us with Emily and Cook. Let's see what the next subject is, shall we? (The wheel spins around again and comes to rest on a picture of the outside of a prison.)

It's prisons. Who would like to come in on that one? Cook! Who would have thought you'd take that subject?!

JC: I think I can speak from personal experience here, Dara. OK. Now, I've always found it funny how when you're sent to prison you're said to have been detained 'at Her Majesty's Pleasure'. Does anyone actually know for a fact that the Queen gets pleasure out of seeing her subjects being sent down? I mean, does the Home Office send her a monthly list of the prison numbers and when she reads it her face lights up, she breaks out into a huge smile and then she starts pissing herself laughing? Come on! Only a sick kind of weirdo could actually get pleasure from seeing people being locked up in tiny cells eighteen hours a day against their will. And they're called prison officers.

Mind you, I have to tell you prison officers are not very bright, to put it mildly. Rather lacking in imagination, in fact. Guess where they put me to work? The kitchens! You couldn't make that shit up, could you? And you should have seen some of the other dickheads they detailed to work there with me. Now, I don't know about you (Cook pauses for a few moments, looks over at Andy Parsons and winks massively at him as he decides on the spot to mimic Andy's traditional style of delivery) but I would have thought that the last person you would want to have working in the kitchens cooking all the prisoners' meals is someone who had been sent down for poisoning his wife! Though judging by the quality of the food that this guy prepared, I assume he didn't poison her with arsenic or rat poison or anything risky like that. She probably just died of a seriously undercooked Sunday roast chicken lunch.

DO: OK, thank you very much, Cook! That just leaves Emily. Let's see what topic you're left with, Emily.

(A picture of a happy, smiling family group appears on the big screen). It's the family. Take it away, Emsy!

EF: Emsy? You're getting a bit fresh, aren't you, Dara? Families, eh? Great, my favourite topic. Why couldn't you have given me transport? Or do you only ever dump that subject on Andy Parsons? (Andy is seen laughing at Emily's wisecrack). OK. Well, I come from a totally dysfunctional, mixed race family, as you probably all know. My Dad's a Scouser and my Mum's Scottish. This of course means that Dad's always telling Mum to 'calm down, calm down' (Emily mimics a thick Liverpool accent) and my Mum replies 'who are you telling to calm down, you English bastard?'(Emily imitates a broad, angry Scottish accent).

Katie and I have got a right pervy little brother called James who's a total freak. Until a few months ago he was always hanging around outside our bathroom or bedroom trying to catch a glimpse of me and Katie stark naked. He still hangs around hoping to see us take our clothes off but now he's only interested because he wants to nick our dresses and stuff, put them on and wear them himself! I'm getting really worried about him, actually. Some days he looks even better in them than Katie does!

(An outraged Katie mouths 'fuck off' at her sister from the across the studio).

DO: OK, thank you Emily. I apologise for the over-familiarity at the beginning. I can't think what came over me. I knew as soon as I saw Naomi stand up and glare at me with a look that would flatten a rhinoceros at a hundred paces that I'd made a bit of a faux pas. That's the end of that round and I'm going to give the points for the sake of my own personal safety to Emily and Naomi!

Now we come to our final quick-fire round called 'Scenes We'd Like To See'. This is for everyone so if you'd all like to make your way to the performance area, please. I call out ideas for scenarios we'd love to see and the performers come in with their suggestions. (All six performers make their way over to the performance area standing in their respective teams).

OK, here we go with the first topic which is….. 'Inadvisable things to say during a police interview.'

Naomi immediately steps forward into the middle of the floor. After each joke the performer walks back to his or her original position and the next performer hurries forward to take his/her place).

NC: Of course I wasn't responsible for that girl's death! I just made sure she was in the right frame of mind to jump.

EF: The bitch shagged my girlfriend. She deserved to die.

FB: I'm sorry, officer, I can't help you. I wasn't there when it happened. I was selling some seriously heavy shit on the other side of town at the time.

JC: I can't believe the stupid cow actually jumped before I had the chance to nail her.

AP: Look on the bright side! That's one less student pissing away our honest hard earned tax-payer's money.

KF: Jesus! If my hair ever looked as bad as hers, I think I'd kill myself as well.

DO: OK! Moving on, the next topic is……. 'Worst chat-up lines to come out with on your first ever date'.

KF: What flavour condoms do you prefer? I'm easy but I think it's important to be sensitive and considerate!'

AP: I hope you'll take it as a huge compliment that I've already got an erection just from shaking hands with you.

NC: I'm pretty sure I'm gay but I just need official confirmation and you look like you'll do the trick.

FB: I masturbated five times before I left home to make sure I didn't come as soon as I saw you. That's how much I fancy you.

EF: I would invite you in to meet my parents but they're even more fucked up than I am.

JC: Arcia? You sound like my kind of girl. I'm always up for a bit of anal. Bend over, babe and assume the position.

DO: OK! The next topic is……. 'Most unsettling words of comfort to be given by your psychiatrist.'

FB: Tell me about your school days. Were you interested in sport? Perhaps you played rounders at school. I was particularly keen on baseball.

JC: Now, I want you to take all your clothes off, put them in a pile next to mine, lie down on the couch, close your eyes and just relax.

NC: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens. Brown paper packages tied up with strings. These are a few of my favourite things. What are your favourite things, Effy?

AP: I can assure you, you're in very capable hands. These strong, muscular hands have put a lot of troubled and disturbed young girls out of their misery for ever.

KF: I always wanted to be a psychiatrist since I was very little. When my Dad told me he wanted me to become an accountant like him I had to kill him. So you see, that's how dedicated I've been to my job.

EF: Qualified? Of course I'm qualified to treat you. I've seen The Sixth Sense, Analyze This and every single episode of Frasier.

DO: And at the end of that round the points go to Frankie, Cook and Katie!

That's the end of the show, folks, and this week's winners are Andy Parsons, Naomi and Emily!

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O'Briain. Until next time it's Goodnight!