Author's Note: sorry if this doesn't come out very coherent i'm watching a movie on lifetime and throughout most of it Chace has been shirtless... talk about an amazing sight first thing in the morning. ;) anyways this chapter was unexpected. I thought it was needed after a few of the reviews (which by the way I have to mention more then made me smile, I'll get to them later but thank you so much) so chapter three is basically finished also! good news isn't it? depending on your reviews it'll be posted late saturday or on sunday. just a note here Cora, who's in the second part here is the waitress from the Greek cafe, she gets Nate's coffee in 115, he knows her by name. thank you to Mia for remembering her name :D and of course Katie, thank you for putting up with my random texts, you know it wouldn't be written if it wern't for you, and, i'm sorry about the CV stuff. (they don't bother me :P) ok i'm going to shut up and stop rambling now. just enjoy and leave me a review ;)

oh! one more thing, I don't think i've quite mentioned it before - Six Feet Under The Stars is an amazing song by All Time Low (if you read my stories you see the pattern) you should totally listen to it on you tube - or even iTunes. the acustic one is the best!

-Manda


The warm spring sun filtered into the normally dark bedroom casting enough light on her for her hazel eyes to pop open and meet with the bright day. That in its self made her want to pull the covers back over her head. The rain was always much more preferred in Vanessa's mind, the rain dripping down on anything always gave her so much more of an excuse to live in her mind. She pulled the red satin sheet around her tighter shading her body from the window. It didn't matter that his suit was feet off the normal ground Vanessa was still paranoid. With her eyes open she focused around the room, on all the classic black and expensive knickknacks and she instantly missed her dreams. She missed the allusion of having the right him wrapped around her as she slept contently in his arms. She missed waking up to him kissing his way up her neck only to stop at her lips and lean his forehead against his. That was all something she didn't have and wouldn't have wanted with Chuck. Shifting her head to look to the side of her she expected to see Chuck asleep with his back to her. When she realized he wasn't there she breathed a sigh of relief for a moment as she stared to sit up. Pain filled her immediately. She'd expected the bruises and the soreness, she'd pushed for it if she remembered correctly. She'd pushed for it to forget everything that had happened in the day. Between him on top of her, the smoke in her lungs, and the vodka that was working into her blood stream she'd ridded herself of all of her problems for the while.

Today was a new day, a different story, a day to face reality. Her head ached as her mind caught up with her body. It occurred to her just how drunk she'd been, just how high she'd pushed herself to be. Just how much of a mess Vanessa had been when she'd downed her first crystal glass of vodka. Now she could see the empty bottles that littered the well kempt white carpet, she'd drowned her sorrows the previous night. Not something she should have done. She'd allowed the fumes from the burning white paper to take her over and mesh every feeling and emotion and replace it with things that didn't actually exist. She could still taste the tar in her mouth, the stale taste of kiss pressed scotch from Chuck's mouth. She wasn't sure if it was reality setting in or the thoughts from the previous night that made her stomach flip flop but something was to blame.

Soon as she was up on her feet the head rush came causing her to lean forward in attempt to settle herself. The feeling was one she was beginning to get used to fist thing in the mornings. Nausea still intact she reached down and picked up the shirt she'd had on previous to put on again. It wasn't till she pulled it down that she noted the St. Jude's lacrosse logo. Part of it made her stomach turn more if that were even possible. Not waiting another second Vanessa flew through the bathroom door and knelt down in front of the toilet.

She couldn't have cared any less that the bathroom mirror was fogged up or that there were moans coming from inside of the shower. He was Chuck Bass, the thought of being alone frightened him and it seemed like he was always ready for another go. Vanessa was just relieved that he hadn't woke her up for sex first thing in the morning, Vanessa never had done mornings very well, not sober and not hung-over, there was only one guy that had ever been able to persuade her into that without hearing a complaint. That was it, which was the final thought it took before all the liquor from the night before came up from her stomach and met with the expensive porcelain of the toilet.

Her gagging never once disturbed what was going on inside the shower as she laid her head again the cool tiled floor for a moment letting herself relax and calm down. Once she felt everything slowly going back to normal she stood up and made her way to balance against the sink for stability. Reaching for the mouthwash she poured a little in her mouth just as the water in the shower shut off. Without looking she shut her eyes and reached for the towel beside her holding it out for Chuck and whomever was with him. It was an image she didn't care to see first thing in the morning, especially after already throwing up once.

"Thanks Flora, we'll continue this tonight if it's necessary I have a few other appointments to call now, you're dismissed."

His slimy voice speaking to whoever was beside him made her roll her eyes as she spit out the strong mouthwash and made a face only opening her eyes when she heard woman's footsteps and the door shut. Part of her wished they'd of just kept on so that she could have snuck home without having to deal with him any. Vanessa could feel him behind her, his hand on her inner thigh rubbing a slow circle back and forth, towel wrapped around his waist brushing against the back of her she stood ridged and still.

"If you were hired help I wouldn't be paying you. You slept all afternoon; I had to call someone to… help"

As he whispered his lips pressed against her throat making her stomach turn again, it wasn't his fault, she just wasn't ready for any sort of contact.

"Chuck, don't"

Stepping away from him her voice was strong as she wiped her mouth on a towel and walked to the bathroom doorway leaving him to follow her back into his room. He watched her as she laid back on his bed putting her hands over her eyes in thought. That was one thing about Vanessa, she was always opinionated about things, even when she was high. It was a clash of games with them both demanding the things they wanted most, how they wanted to play it all out.

"You called me Nate last night; I think I should be taking that as an insult."

Vanessa's eyes flashed open and she lowered her look at him to a glare before rolling her eyes.

"You call out Blair's name no matter who you're fucking"

Not caring how vulgar or annoyed her voice sounded she stood up and walked back to his bathroom locking the door behind her so that she could shower alone. Weeks ago she never would have used that term for it but in the cases in which Chuck used and in the way that Vanessa was using chuck that's all it was. There was no part of making love, it was just sex, a simple hookup to make the time pass by faster. Leaving Chuck to watch after her for only a moment before he rolled his own eyes and proceeded to get dressed, picking his signature pair of purple pants and a purple tie.


Cora was a twenty-eight year old single mother of three that worked two jobs not including her three times a week shifts at the Greek café to make ends meet. She had integrity and flair and would have been so much more if the nine, six, and two year olds didn't need attention every time she turned around. She had been on the high road, perfect grades, acceptance into an ivy, everything that would have lead her to be one of the best lawyers she could have been. Then Cora's life took an unexpected turn, she fell in love. She fell in love and couldn't fall out of it. Married and pregnant at the age of seventeen against her parents' wishes of course, Cora had gotten herself emancipated just to start her own live without being looked down on for what she'd chosen. That was the other thing about Cora, there wasn't a moment of what she'd done that she would have changed. Her husband being killed during a drive by shooting in the Bronx a year and a half ago was the only thing she would have had she had the chance. Stephan, Jackson, and Noelle were her life; she catered to her two boys and little girl as though the world were on its final spin. She might have had to work for every dime she had but she spent everything she could on making her children happy, that was Cora's main concern.

It was something Vanessa hadn't ever seen before, seeing someone that dedicated and caring throwing away their entire life at such a young age, forcing a person to give up every last part of themselves, to hold on to nothing but memories of the thoughts of what could have been. The thought alone made Vanessa shiver. She'd known Cora for just a little over a year, she'd gotten to know her pretty well as she'd waited for 'him' to show up so that she could apologize for judging rather than getting to know him. She hadn't expected Nate to already have known Cora and Cora's stories. Knowing that he's listened to Cora and been one other person for the twenty-eight year old mother to talk to brought a smile to her face back then. That was the Nate Archibald she'd fallen for, that had been the past.

The usual booth she normally occupied was empty across the room, instead Vanessa had picked the dark back corner where she could pull her sweatshirt to her tighter in attempt to hide from the outside world for as long as she could. She knew that the Greek Café would be her true hiding spot, there were only two people that knew where she went to think and one of them worked in it. Vanessa sat, staring into the same coffee that had been poured hours ago. She hadn't taken so much as a single sip out of the cup, she hadn't touched the now cold souvlaki on the plate in front of her. She hardly lifted her head to look around. All of her thoughts were beginning to catch up with her, the emotions played at her eyes as though they were rain water tempting floodgates.

"Alright V… spill"

Cora sliding into the booth across from her made her head snap up. She gave out a long sigh as she laid her head on her hand, elbow propped up on the table.

"You smell like you just spent the night in a liquor store."

She mothered again as she put her hand under Vanessa's chin turning her head and making her look her in the eyes. Though she'd headed home to take a shower before going back out the vodka still seemed to leak from her pores. She'd consumed too much to make anything go away with a little bit of soap, and a not quite full night of sleep.

"and those eyes… bonta mia! What have you done Vanessa! Mi raccomando, tell me it's from lack of sleep and you didn't do what your eyes say you did."

The guilty expression on Vanessa's face as she pulled her hood back up and put her head back down on the table admitted her faults and doings.

"What were you thinking? Do you have any idea what that stuff does to you? Vanessaaaa, what am I going to do with you? Just because Nate is being a jerk right now doesn't mean that you should do these things to yourself. You know better than that."

Rubbing her eyes she lifted her head up and finally looked at Cora, all of the hurt shown in her eyes beside the blood shot drug induced gaze. It hadn't been the first night she'd smoked with Chuck, it was just the first time she'd been caught by someone. No one else had looked her in the eyes long enough to not mistake it for crying. For the past few weeks she'd used Chuck as her escape, drinking and smoking away her thoughts and fears, trying to make things not what they were.

"It was a mistake, I know"

Vanessa dared to speak out as Cora continued to shake her head, disapproving of Vanessa's behaviors. Vanessa herself knew that the reaction would be as such as soon as she walked into the café, but, she needed someone to point out what she was doing was wrong. Someone that wouldn't have been so harsh as Dan would have been.

"And what about what we talked about the other day Vanessa? Did that all come back fine? I'm assuming that you're not…"

As Cora spoke an uneasy feeling grew in the pit of Vanessa's stomach and she stood up from the table coffee cup in hand, fully determined to succeed in changing the topic. After the night she'd had the last thing she wanted to do was linger on it, the thing that made her want to escape in the first place. The truth that she just didn't want to face up to, she'd just prefer to think it wasn't real.

"I'm gonna get a cup of coffee, Jason won't mind if I get it myself right?"

Beginning to turn away from the table Vanessa was stopped almost right away when Cora reached out and grabbed her wrist not letting her get away so easily. Vanessa wouldn't look at her, she couldn't look at Cora, all she wanted was to get away.

"Vanessa don't…"

Protesting on Vanessa's actions Cora attempted to bring Vanessa back into focusing on the conversation that had been at hand before she'd gotten skittish with it. Cora was concerned now, more then she was by just the bloodshot dilated eyes when Vanessa had looked up, or the smell of vodka resonating off of her skin. Cora knew the out of control behaviors were a cry out for help. A cry out because there was more going on in Vanessa's life then she could handle on a sober stomach. Her eyes stayed on Vanessa as Vanessa pulled her cell phone out of her pocket.

"I actually… Ruby's gonna be heading out and I don't know, I haven't spent much time with her. I think I'm going to head out with her and the band tonight. But I'll be in next week, promise."

Squeezing her wrist out of Cora's hand she put some money down on the table, turned and headed for the door before Cora could get another word out of her mouth. If there was anything Vanessa was becoming a pro at it was running away from the things that haunted her. Cora was worried, Vanessa normally had a good head on her shoulders and was so sure of herself, this was clearly not the Vanessa she'd always been. Vanessa was losing all control of herself.


Soon as Vanessa opened the door to her apartment the smoke seemed to pour out of it like the clouds that had gathered when the sky opened up over central park as Vanessa walked to clear her head. Every step she'd taken had brought her closer to home, closer to where she should have stayed rather than venturing out into any of the madness. She'd actually been looking forward to getting home, kicking off her boots and laying on the couch snuggled up in a quilt while she watched sappy movies with subtitles and cried. That had been exactly what she'd planned on doing, unleashing tears and blaming it on movies she'd seen over and over again in the past. Anything to just unwind for a few hours and live just as she'd been before the Upper East Side had sucked her into the madness that surrounded it. Had she known then what she knew now there was a chance she would have run away, back to her parents in Vermont, and not looked back. Then she wouldn't have had a broken heart, a few times over. She wouldn't have been over her head in issues that she couldn't fix simply. All Vanessa could think of was if she were still with her parents in Vermont she never would have fallen in love, she'd still be holding onto her video camera as though it was the only thing of importance in her life, she'd still feel like normal Vanessa Abrams. That was something she liked the sound of more than anything else, her problems not existing.

The cloud of smoke that came out of the apartment filled Vanessa's lungs with smoke making her cough and cover her mouth and nose for a second before adjusting to the smell of the nicotine. So much for her peaceful time on the couch, it looked and sounded like Ruby had begun party time early. Vanessa sighed and slammed her free fist against the doorway, all she wanted was some time to herself. Taking another breath of the cigarette smoke that filled the apartment she walked through the doorway, a 'green' bag of groceries from whole foods in her arm. Sure enough in the small kitchen that hardly had standing room was filled with Ruby and other members of the band. Girls Vanessa saw on a daily basis throwing back drink after drink before a show. Vanessa didn't want anything more than for them all too just leave her kitchen and leave her completely alone for a few hours.

"Baby sister! I was starting to think you'd once again ditched me for the rich hills of the East Side. Come, come, come on, we've got Corona! A package of Marlboro lights! Everything you could ever want… come on V, loosen up with us for a while. Get your panties out of your ass and unwind, it feels great."

Ruby was spinning around in the middle of the kitchen like a child playing ring around the rosy. Vanessa could only roll her eyes at her sister's childish antics. It wasn't anything new, she always acted like it when she was near friends.

"Vanessa! Ruby said you were with your boyfriend again. We weren't expecting you to be here. Here, I just opened this one. You can have it."

Lara, the girl Ruby was closest to handed Vanessa a glass bottle like they'd always been old friends. Vanessa still couldn't figure out how she put up with the friends Ruby had. Vanessa took the glass bottle out of her hand and put it to her mouth for effect sake. It wasn't hard to humor the already drunk.

"Ru, I think Mr. Stripes here left you a surprise on your bed"

Coming into the kitchen a girl with pink spiky hair held a cat by its tail as she swung the angry cat back and forth. Vanessa watched out of confused eyes hoping someone else in the small apartment would claim the animal or at least volunteer to go and clean up after it if it really had made a mess.

"aww my precious Cookie! My sweet little pumpkin"

Vanessa watched as Ruby took the cat from the pink haired one's hand and cuddled it to her nearly suffocating the thing. Just what Vanessa didn't need to deal with, a cat. The cat took a swipe with its nails at Ruby to backed away from it and dropped it straight to the ground. Vanessa sighed and shook her head as she walked to the fridge and began to put the stuff she'd picked up away. The glass bowl on the floor caught her eye as she finished putting the oranges in the draw.

"Ruby? What did you feed the cat?"

Turning quickly she raised an eyebrow at her sister while right behind her the girl with the pink hair dropped to the floor in front of the cat.

"I think it's pork… I don't know Ness, it's whatever the meat was on the shelf in the fridge."

Talking as though it was nothing Ruby almost shooed her away and Vanessa turned around with a loud growl like sound erupted out of the pink haired one's mouth. Vanessa looked at her as though she were nuts as she raised a hand to run through her hair.

"It's ok Vanessa, that's Courtney. We think she came a little high already. She seems to think the kitten is a young lion in training. She fell down a flight of stairs a few weeks ago, she's not all there."

Lara whispered as she finished the beer in her hand and placed it beside the sink taking a few steps closer to Vanessa, Lara had always seemed to want to get as close to Vanessa as she always could. Over the years Vanessa had learned to just brush it off, Lara liked to be touchy and feely.

"ok baby sister, the whores and I are going to hit a gig in the meatpacking then I think we're all gonna come back here and crash tonight if you can just clean off the mess that Cookie made on my bed it would be great. Thank you so much, don't do anything I wouldn't do."

As Courtney stood up from the floor and looped her arm threw Ruby's who was waiting beside the door Lara lingered back to Vanessa for a moment as she always did. Lara was Ruby's ex girlfriend, the girlfriend that never seemed to go away. She was one of the few people Vanessa had a hard time tolerating not that she would ever admit it out loud, she kept Ruby content.

"You know, that offer's still open if you want to come to the dark side. It always will be."

Lara said taking a puff from her cigarette as she winked at Vanessa and her hand traveled to attempt to smack Vanessa's ass. A move Vanessa had fallen for far too many times before and knew better then to stand for again as she moved out of the way picking up the disinfectant and a few paper towels.

"Goodbye Lara"

Vanessa called behind her as she headed into the one bedroom of the apartment, the room Ruby had claimed soon as they'd set foot into the small apartment. She didn't bother to look back and see if the girls had actually left or where the cat was. She just proceeded into the bedroom to take care of the mess the small orange kitten had made. Just what she needed, a kitten off the street to take care of, there were times when Vanessa wanted nothing more than to strange her sister for her stupid ideas.

Sitting down on the corner of her sister's bed, the cat had made quite a mess. Vanessa sighed as she started to spray the bed with disinfectant. It was the soft meow in back of her that made her turn her head. The small animal was rubbing up against her ankle and purring. It seemed to be nicer then it had when Ruby and the rest were playing with it. The poor thing had to be scared to death and Vanessa couldn't blame it for a second, anything or anyone would have been afraid to be thrown into the mess. Reaching down Vanessa picked up the animal, she was always lucky enough for her allergies not to bother her so much. She could live with the stuffiness as long as Ruby was content.

"Bet you don't like being in here… bet you miss the streets where you were free."

Whispering to the cat she held it up to her face to get a better look at the little thing, she hadn't noticed the purring stop. it wasn't till the cat had lifted his paw and slashed her across the cheek with its nails that Vanessa finally dropped it back down onto the floor. Great, just what she needed, one more thing to not be on her side.


Now, to my amazing reviewers!

Nix - seeing a pattern now? hope you liked it!

Bina - V and self distruction seem to go hand and hand, if only the writers would do it right. hopfully next week will be a good week.

Evelyn - here's your update :D another will be coming soon

anonymous - and I was afraid that would get lost in translation with everything else going on! :D sorry about YOB, I do plan on updating it. I just have to finish it.

Alex!- The writers dissipoint me, they need to wise up. There's a lot more DVJ coming up, and more CV comfort, and perhaps even a nice side of Chuck... imagine that. :-P If I were done with college i'd be doign everything to get in touch with S, J and the rest, since they so despretly need help. lol

Christinamarie712 - hope the update was just as good! (:

andddd up next: Vanessa and Maureen, I don't know about you but I like Maureen... she seemed to like V better then B, so she's on my be nice to list.