Author's Note: ok so this chapter isn't what i'd intended it to be so the chapter with Maureen will just be next chapter. Looking forward to tonight's ep only because Vanessa is showed... of course :D ok read and enjoy, tell me what you think. I'm gonna go back to watching 'Sid the science kid' with my eighteen month old nephew now, lol (:

-Manda


Hardly feeling like so much as lifting her head up off of the gallery counter top when the bell on top of the door sounded she groaned in response instead. The gallery had been almost completely silent all day other then the phone's shrill shriek every once and a while. Rufus and Lily had headed away for the reminder of the week leaving Vanessa in charge of the gallery. Why she'd even opened for the day she wasn't sure. The last thing Vanessa felt like dealing with was people. Raising her head she took a sip from the straw in front of her, the ginger ale was worm now but she was too lazy to get up to get anything else.

"Um, this might be a kind of strange question but, is the owner in today?"

The strange voice made her jump, she'd forgotten that anyone had walked in, short term memory loss seemed to be plaguing her now. On first eye contact there was something about him that was familiar about the dirty blonde guy in front of her. Something that she wasn't sure exactly what it was. Vanessa stopped staring at him and trying to figure it out long enough to find her voice.

"Sorry, Rufus should be back sometime at the beginning of the week. he's away on a um… business meeting this week."

She shook her head not expecting the kid to pull out a stool and sit down. She really wasn't in the mood for company, turning the 'we're open' sign to 'we're closed' was something she really needed to do. How else was she to say it, Rufus was on a romantic getaway. Getting up off of the stool where she'd been sitting Vanessa turned around and picked up a mug off the counter, filled it with nearly fresh coffee and carried it back placing in front of the guy. If he had no intention of leaving she may have well have been nice. Pushing the mug over to him she noticed the DVD case he's put down on the table, 'Let the Right One In' was the sweetish vampire movie Vanessa had dragged Dan to see right before thanksgiving. It wasn't the best thing she'd ever watched but it also wasn't the worst one.

"My best friend and I went to see that when it was still in theaters"

Pointing to the DVD case she figured that if he was staying she might as well attempt at a little bit of small talk, maybe it would make him leave a little bit faster seeing that Vanessa lately wasn't all that much of a people person. She'd just have to make him want to leave faster then she could go back to her hours of solemn disappear, just like she seemed to spend every other hour lately.

"Yea, I've seen it a few times. it's not so bad. Little Otik was better, Jan Svankmajer doesn't get enough credit for the things she does."

He knew little known directors, Vanessa felt herself become a little more intrigued. Only in the someone to talk to way. The last time she'd found anyone that knew anything about indi films it had nearly cost her relationship. Then again, maybe if she'd just let it end back then she wouldn't have been in the situation she was in, in fact, she knew she wouldn't have been in the situation. That would have been impossible.

"Best independent film of all times though, Pulp Fiction."

With the words slipping from his mouth Vanessa gave him a look as though she thought he was crazy. Clearly the opinionated film maker had a different thought on the mater. Normally she did, Vanessa didn't often agree with anyone on any subject. She would have been a lot easier to deal with if she did.

"Yea ok, as if that's not going with the typical trends. When something gets as popular as that got how can it still even be called an independent film? That's like completely selling out."

She countered shaking her head at the thought, though, she didn't argue about it anymore. Whatever he wanted to believe was his choice. She'd just insist in her head that she knew better than he did, there she was again with the stubbornness.

"Mind if I ask why you're looking for Rufus? You look to young to be an art dealer. No offence if you are of course, I just mean that you don't… you're not one of the typical people that usually come in here "

The dirty blonde in front of her laughed and the smile across his face reminded her of someone. Something oh so familiar that killed her not to be able to figure out. At least trying to figure out who he reminded her of would give her something to do for a few hours.

"Yea, no, I'm not an art dealer. I'm nineteen… I don't think it'd even be possible to be a buyer. I'm down here from Boston… I just um, I have a few questions for him about… um… art."

Vanessa didn't question him on anything, which was not typical Vanessa. Normally Vanessa would have gone off questioning him to no end, but she was too preoccupied with everything to think past to everyday life. There was enough to keep her thinking for a while.

"I should probably… um, I'm Scott by the way"

Scott said as he extended his hand across the table waiting for her introduction back. She smiled at him, the name was new, defiantly not someone she'd ever met before. She raised her hand to meet his half way as she shook his hand back.

"Vanessa"

She gave him a genuine smile for the first time in weeks, at least he was someone that didn't know her. That didn't know her story and didn't feel bad for her. By the look on his face he wasn't in any way associated with the Upper East Side either. Though, after the Georgie/Sarah incident she had trouble trusting anyone who came through gallery doors. There was something different about Scott though, something that yelled at her that he wasn't some random spy, he was just a normal kid looking for Rufus for normal reasons. She'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

"It's nice to meet you, nice to meet anyone for that matter"

Mumbling under his breath Vanessa watched Scott as he stood up from his stool and walked around the counter taking out a coffee mug from the same place she'd taken his out of. She quirked and eyebrow for a moment till he placed it down in front of her and poured her a cup of coffee, not the typical type at all, Vanessa wasn't used to being served in her own café of sorts.

"Sorry, I'm used to taking care of people and you looked like you could use a drink. Actually, you look like you could use a shot of tequila but I didn't see any of that around so I guess coffee will have to do."

Managing a laugh at his statement she nodded her head yet denied the coffee as she sat there looking at it. Tequila he spoke of sounded good and when she concentrated hard enough she could feel any type of liquor burning her throat. But, that wasn't something she was about to do. Her days of drinking away her woes with anyone were behind her, there were other more important things she needed to think of now. that included using her best resistance to push away the coffee cup that smelled oh so tempting in front of her. She'd done enough toying with fate in the past few weeks, why add another to that list? Even if she hadn't made up her mind completely yet, she still couldn't do the wrong thing anymore, it made her feel far too guilty.

"So, since you're my only friend here… when are you going to give me a tour of the city? And you can't reject me and say you can't or won't. that won't be very nice to someone who could so easily get lost crossing the street."

Vanessa's mouth dropped open as she tried to deny being responsible for showing Scott around. Vanessa had never played tour guide and she doubted that she'd even do it very well in the first place. But as she'd heard him say, he wouldn't take no as a response. Vanessa would just have to suck it up and show him around the city without complaining. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Having someone else to befriend might have been a good thing for her to have for a while.

"Well fine, if you insist on it I'll show you around the city sometime next week. it's not really that hard to figure out but, I'm feeling nice today. Just stop back in here sometime next week and we'll come up with something, some type of plan."

Scott's smile once again crossed his face as he reached to pour himself another cup of coffee, black coffee, just the way Dan took it.


She knew Cora's work schedule without even having to call her up and ask. Vanessa and Nate had spent nights after their dates bringing Cora and the children ice cream. Tonight as Vanessa crossed the busy main street she felt guilty for not having any ice cream with her. Noelle's smile was always refreshingly bright after a scoop or two of the cookie dough ice cream. Tonight not being able to provide that to the children Vanessa felt guilty. Rather than taking the stairs her usual racing two at a time she walked slowly, procrastinating being face to face with Cora after their conversation almost a whole week before. She knew Cora would be disappointed in her still, she just hoped that the fact that her eyes weren't dilated or bright red any longer would count for something, that there was no trace of her blood alcohol level being elevated anymore. She was coming to her senses, it had taken a little longer then she'd meant for it too, but, she was working on it. The feeling of the confusion haunted her still, now, she knew what Nate felt like every time he opened his beautiful bright blues… his eyes were not something she wanted to think of, there was something about his eyes that made her think about her situation for a little while longer then she wanted to. none of it was anything she actually wanted to think about and to her semi relief Cora's door was right before her. She'd rather have been lectured then live in her thoughts any longer.

Raising her hand she knocked on the door lightly twice, it was nine o'clock at night… Cora's usual resting time while the children watched a movie before she tucked them into bed for the night. After letting the knock sit for a moment she twisted open the brass door knob and stepped through. The apartment smelled like Cora's home cooking, it brought a smile to Vanessa's face, at least some things didn't have to change. She could hear the children's light laughter coming from the living room as she hugged herself in her sweatshirt, children's giggling… it made her shut her eyes for a moment for many reasons. Maybe coming to Cora's hadn't been a very good idea. She didn't have another option now, she was already inside the apartment, Cora would have killed her if she'd just left without saying anything. she took another breath, saving the moment of hardly any thoughts before flicking open her eyes and walking to the little laughs.

"Cora?"

Keeping her voice somewhat low the last thing she wanted to do was to wake up any of the kids if they were asleep. Quick footsteps that could only have belonged to Cora made her stop in her tracks and wait for her friend to come and meet her half way to the living room.

"well, it looks as though someone had finally woken up… and oh my goodness, Vanessa what happened to your face?"

Vanessa reached her hand up and ran her fingers along the deep tear in the side of her face, there wasn't a way to exactly put a band aid on it so she's settled for antiseptic whenever she could find some in the house. The scratch was something she fully blamed on her sister and the wonderful angelic cat she'd brought home like a normal stray kitten. Cookie was far from a normal nice, friendly cat. The thing was vicious, Vanessa would have taken any animal over devil cat.

"Ruby brought home a stray kitten and I got into a fight with it, can only help me at this point right?"

As Vanessa attempted at what she thought was a harmless joke Cora's arms were crossed over her chest and Vanessa could see the disappointment in her brown eyes. Feeling guilty Vanessa looked down and fixed her sweatshirt while she bit the inside of her cheek.

"Keep quiet, there's something you need to see Vanessa."

Following Cora into the living room Vanessa's feet stopped short in the doorway and her mouth fell open at the sight before her. The only one awake and alert was Jackson, Cora's middle child, sitting up straight on the couch, eyes focused on the television. Stephen and Noelle were both sound asleep. Stephen with his head resting on his knee and Noelle's tiny two year old body sound asleep on his chest. The 'his' she was looking at was Nate, perfect blonde hair in his face, arms around the little brunette child on his chest, it looked like something of a Kodak moment. That's what made Vanessa so nervous about it. Her eyes felt like they were glued to his figure in front of her. Just what she didn't want to be.

"VeeVee!"

Jack jumped down from his spot on the couch and ran at her throwing his arms around her. Well it was good to know that someone missed her when they hadn't seen her in too long.

"Hey buddy"

With ease she lifted up the six year old and kissed his cheek only to have him tugged away from her by Cora herself. A pout came to her face as she watched Jack pout for a moment before wrapping his arms around his mother.

"He's too heavy for you to pick up right now, haven't you done enough on that accord?"

Giving her a look as though begging her to stop talking Vanessa sighed and rocked back and forth on her heels shoving her hands into the pockets of her sweatshirt and doing everything to avoid looking in Nate's direction; majority of her was just relieved that he was asleep. The last thing she wanted to deal with was him awake in such small quarters where she couldn't turn around and run out.

"Cora, I don't even know where to start"

Shaking her head she turned around again only for a moment to look quickly at Nate asleep with the kids. The last thing Vanessa needed was for Cora to say something and for Nate to wake up and hear it, her issues were her own, nothing something she wanted to share with anyone else. Especially not him, she didn't want him involved in a second of her decisions.

"How about you start out by telling me that you my darling have started to care a little bit more about your actions. Seeing as they don't just affect you Vanessa. Have you decided at all what you're going to do about the situation?"

Watching Cora's eyes as she asked, Vanessa could clearly see her eyes and her thoughts were glued to Nate. In Vanessa's mind Nate was as far from connected to the situation at hand as he could be. None of it was his mess to deal with. As she opened her mouth to protest the corner of her eye caught movement on the couch, her mind jumped to the what if's. What if he'd heard Cora talking, what if he'd figured it out… her mind wasn't strong enough at the hour to think of the fact that Nate never got anything quickly. It wasn't till his half asleep self reached for his cell phone out of his jeans pocket that she calmed down a little bit. After he read whatever text he'd received he looked up only for his eyes to land on Vanessa. Their eyes connected and it was a meeting of both pain and hurt all at the same time. It was only of a fraction of a second that they stayed connected before both looking at Cora.

"My girlfriend is looking for me, I'm going to put Noelle to bed and then go"

His voice was still hazy with sleep, a sound that Vanessa actually missed hearing at any time of the day or night. Vanessa did her best to hold in an annoyed scowl, of course, when his leash was tugged he ran. She hated that, at least she'd never demanded anything of him. Vanessa's eyes followed as a still very half asleep Nate picked up the sleeping child as he stood up and carried her past the women in the room to the bedroom she shared with both of her brothers. Cora and Vanessa stood looking at one another, Cora's all to knowing look was written across her face as she looked at Vanessa making Vanessa sigh and look away.

It had taken a while for Nate to come back out of the room, enough time for Vanessa to break her stare with Cora and attempt to wake Stephan up so he could walk to his room. When Nate came back out of the kids room she felt herself freeze as she tried to pretend she wasn't even half interested in anything he had to say.

"I really don't know how you do it Cora, you've raised them to be great kids. I just don't understand how you gave up everything to do it, I don't think I could ever do what you've done."

Leaning forward for a good by hug he smiled at her as she whispered in his ear.

"You'll understand when your own arrives"

Cora said with a pointed glance at Vanessa who had suddenly gone ridged. The only thing Vanessa was concentrating on was getting the boy she'd gotten to half wake up into his bedroom without another Nate confrontation. She felt like his eyes burned straight through her. She walked Stephen into the room with his sister but her ears lingered on the conversation being had outside of the children's bed room still. Most of her just wanted him to leave so she could have a long in-depth with Cora.

"I have to say Cora, I really feel like I got it right. like Blair is the right one for me and who knows, maybe we'll settle down in a few years. Mom's already made sure that the Vanderbilt ring fits on her finger. Maybe simplicity is just the way I've been supposed to go this whole time. I can really see Blair and I having children and a big fancy wedding at her choosing. It just all seems right."

As if she hadn't felt like she'd been punched in the gut before she now felt like her heart had been torn wide open and she was bleeding profusely. Vanessa in her daze walked clumsily over to Noelle's bed and sat down on the side of it. Nate had done the perfect job tucking her in, her quilt was tucked around her and the stuffed bear she'd always slept with was in her arms. She looked just as comfortable as she had when she was sound asleep on him.

"I don't know how I ever let Blair go Cora, I'm sure one of these days you'll meet her."

His voice was getting further and further away and Vanessa couldn't hear a word of what Cora was saying back to him. The only thing she took comfort in was the fact that she knew Cora wouldn't tell him. Tell him anything of the matter that she'd just made her mind up on. Soft footsteps walked back to the children's room and as Vanessa looked up her eyes feel on Cora standing in the doorway.

"Vanessa… I,"

As she began to talk Vanessa shook her head as she glanced away from the doorway. She couldn't look at Cora, she couldn't look at her and say what she needed to. there would have been no way for her to have gotten her words out right. leaning back against the wall on the corner of Noelle's bed she criss crossed her hands over her abdomen for the first time touching and feeling like it was really real.

"I can't do it Cora"

She shook her head and Cora knew right away what she was talking about, Vanessa could tell, disappointment colored her face. It wasn't like it was a decision Vanessa was making to get out of it, it was one she was making because she felt like it was for the best. The best for everyone involved. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone involved she'd decided.

"You haven't even talked to him about…"

Starting to try and reason Vanessa didn't want to hear it, as far as she was concerned her choice was already set and she wasn't about to change her mind on any of it. Looking up at Cora her eyes were filled with pain that she didn't try and hide, she had no reason to hide it. It was the most difficult decision of her life that she was making. Regardless of how she felt how could she put someone else in a position that they didn't want to be in? how could she doom someone else to having a life of misery that really wasn't even fully wanted. It wasn't fair to anyone involved.

"I'm having an abortion"


Francesca - you know what, your review made me go back and read stay close don't go an I noticed that I really don't like it. I was way to rough on Vanessa back then. the plot line for this one is different, promise! thank you so much for reading!

Alex - I lovee getting your reviews, I look forward to them whenever I update! lol. CV we need more of, even though they use one another we really do. as for my story, there's more CV on the way, quite a bit more CV. as for Maureen, she's coming up next chapter. I really think she meant well to V, she just no longer knows how to express herself in any way. Cora felt like she needed a background. NV have her in common :D

Evelyn - She's calming down now, she was in shock and reacted rather then thought about it, It was Vanessa's way of not feeling anything. with a sister like Ruby how can the cat be normal? :P the cat has a bigger part, it really shouldn't be anywhere near V ;)

Christinamarie712 - Vanessa's losing complete control, I hope you keep reading! :D

thank you to all my reviewers, I'll keep my fingers crossed for more on this chapter.