Author's Note: Wow! the response for last chapter made me very excited! thank you so much, you've really made my past few days... all of you. so this was actully the first chapter of the story that I wrote, I like working out of order. :P so I hope you like it! enjoy! looking forward to your reviews! (more at the bottom)
-Manda
She'd known people, in Vermont she'd had friends that had gone through with the operation and were just fine afterwards. She'd had a friend here in the city that had had it done in a back alley and never gave so much as a second thought to anything other than the money it had cost her out of her pocket. Why was this seeming to be so hard for her, he wouldn't have cared. He proved that the night he walked all over her, he'd proved it again the night at Cora's. Why did she care so much and why couldn't she turn her emotions off like so many people had done before her. It wasn't a big deal and it would be over in less time than it had taken to start. She just needed to tell herself that it didn't matter and it never would. This was just another obstacle in life that she needed to get through in order to go ahead with her life. One day she'd look back at it and it would be exactly that, no big deal. She tried telling herself that in the moment it felt like it was more than it was. There wasn't anything that she really needed to protect. It didn't matter and it never would. It mattered as much as the lie of the three little words he'd told her mattered, it meant nothing. Then why did part of her feel like it was so wrong to be doing? Why did part of her feel like she needed to shut off and suck it up, what was done was done and she just needed to live with it and face it. She'd had her options and she was paying the price for the path she'd chosen. People made wrong choices all the time, but it wasn't like she didn't have options. There were ways of dealing with what she was going through, dealing with it and making it disappear. This was all just an unfortunate accident that she'd bumped into, an accident that she couldn't allow herself to have to deal with for the rest of her life. She was so much more then she'd become, so much more she could do as soon as the problem was gone. That was the side of everything that she needed to remind herself of, the side that proved that this was nothing more than an accident that needed to be taken care of.
Long as she did do it she'd just be able to go on with life like it hadn't ever been an issue, so she told herself anyways. She'd be able to show Scott around the city and maybe even flirt a little bit without feeling like she was doing something wrong. No one would even have to know she'd been in the position she was in. Cora wouldn't tell, Cora might not have been able to speak to her for a while but, she wouldn't have ever told.
She'd avoided everyone, she had been for almost a week. Her phone conversations with Dan and Jenny were only once every few days and they were candid. She refuses to talk on the phone for more than ten minutes at a time. She'd called Rufus and told him she wouldn't be in for the past week. That was something she never did, her mind just wasn't ready to function right. The only one she'd actually talked to was her sister. It wasn't like Ruby would remember anything she said, she was always far too drunk to walk a straight line. She knew she didn't have much to worry about. She was the only one that really needed to know about what was going on. It wasn't like it would change anyone else's life, just the way everyone else looks at her. The paranoia will be there after she did it anyways, she already anticipated it. It was going to be something that followed her around for the rest of her life.
Letting out a shaky sigh she looked down again at where her finger was planted in the phone book and picked up her cell off of the table top with her free hand. Rufus was with Lily, Dan and Jenny were at school, Ruby was passed out at home recharging for another night of giving her hell, Gossip Girl spies had deemed her boring, there wasn't anything or anyone left that she needed to hide from. She could dial numbers and make appointments without worrying who was around the corner to judge her or stop her from taking control of her own life. Anyone that knew her knew she wasn't ready for the things that were creeping up and attempting to be forced on her. She just needed to scrap her own freedom from them. She had a right to do so, a right to decide that it wasn't the path she wanted to choose. That's what she was trying to do, trying not to think about going back on her actions. The efforts she was going though were in every way to make her own life better, to keep herself from falling into a place she had no interest in being in. she wasn't cut out for the things that were going on, she wasn't the one to be held back by something she'd done to herself without herself actually wanting any of it pressed on her in the first place.
She exhaled a breath as she pressed the talk button and held the silver phone to her ear, her eyes were shut, her mind was full. It took two rings before a seemingly bored voice picked up. The women on the other line hadn't gotten a 'hello' out of her mouth when the dinging of the bell above the gallery's entrance caused her to jump out of her skin and hit the end button. The guilty part of her conscience served as the biggest part of her mind and she wasn't sure why. It wasn't like she was doing anything wrong. It was her body after all. She had the right to make the choices about it and no one else. It wasn't like what was going on with her was something he'd even care about, it was a mistake and nothing more. What was going on was an accident, just a painful accident that she'd caused upon herself. Almost completely dissolved in her own game of mental ping pong the clicking of heels across the tiled floor hadn't taken her out of her thoughts for even a second.
"I was hoping you'd be here"
Unfamiliar, that was the one way the voice behind her had registered. She knew she knew it but with everything else that was floating around in her mind registering to put voices to faces wasn't high on her list of priorities. Turning around she hadn't expected the person she was face to face with, the girl she'd only ever had brief conversations with. She couldn't help the half scowl that crossed her already twisted in confusion expression cross her face.
"I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm one of the last people you expected to see. Or one of the last people that you even want to see for that matter. Please don't hold anything he does to me, believe me, I don't agree with his actions for even a moment. The Vanderbilt guys aren't exactly the brightest crayons in the box. Just don't tell Tripp I said that. I have a feeling he wouldn't be too happy with it."
Maureen's delicate but happy voice filled Vanessa's ears as Vanessa dejectedly watched the strawberry blonde fix the headband in her hair and pull out the wooden chair right across from her to sit in. Had Vanessa not been wrapped in her own thoughts and confused on Maureen's presence in the first place she might have taken a notice that Maureen hadn't once hesitated like anyone else from the Upper East Side would have to be in the small Brooklyn gallery.
"Can I help you with something?"
More blunt then she'd meant it Vanessa's voice was harsh and almost stuck in her throat. It seemed like it was the first time in almost twenty-four hours that she'd talked to anyone that wasn't herself.
"Yes actually, you Vanessa Abrams are badly needed two weeks from Saturday, the 25th. Tripp and I are getting married and I would greatly appreciate it if you would be one of my bridesmaids."
Looking at Maureen as though she were crazy Vanessa started to decline and shake her head without even considering it. Being involved in anymore of the Vanderbilt family moments wasn't something she even at the least bit had an interest in taking on.
"No, I can't take no for an answer. If you decline I'll have no choice but to let Blair be in the wedding party and I don't know about you but my mother raised me with the saying that on a girl's wedding day she needs at least one person in the wedding party that could easily show her up. With Blair I'm afraid that just won't work. I want a wedding party, not a cheap David's Bridal catalog. Blair is pretty and all but she's a little plain, you're different Vanessa, you're the one I'd rather have there on my day."
Regardless of what she was saying Vanessa didn't want to hear it. Being in the same room as him wasn't something she was ready to be around. Not with what she hoped she'd be doing once the weekend came, she knew she wouldn't have been able to look at him for some time. It was right in the nick of time once again as she opened her mouth to protest that the phone's shrill ring gave out from the kitchen area.
"I have to get that"
Vanessa popped up from her seat without a second of hesitation and without looking at Maureen for as much as a second. She never once noticed that she'd left the phonebook she'd been looking at wide open to the set of numbers she'd been calling before being interrupted.
Never one to snoop or to eavesdrop on other people's business on purpose Maureen hadn't meant to notice anything, but, when the word on the top of the yellow page held strong memories for her she couldn't help but notice it. Eight letters put together to form one word held one of her most painful memories in her history. The thought of it made her feel like the hole in her heart was once again wide open and burning just as it had so many years before. Red marker had circled around some of the numbers, the same red marker that was holding the page open. Anyone with a brain could have figured out what the red circles on the page really meant, the Vanessa was dealing with more then she could handle or should have had to handle alone. Maureen hadn't even been alone to deal with it, she'd had her hand forced into things to protect 'the family'. Vanessa's footsteps back into the room made Maureen look at her right away.
"You can't do it Vanessa"
Vanessa's face suddenly turned stunned as she looked between the pages of the yellow pages back to Maureen's face so solemn with a small shadow of worry. Trying to cover as best she could Vanessa turned away from the table and picked up a cloth on a nearby table top to clean for the third time in an hour, she just needed something to do with her hands. Something that would pull herself out of her thoughts.
"I don't know what you're talking about"
Attempting to deny the last thing she wanted to do was admit any of it. She had a hard enough time trying to pretend none of it was real.
"I know what it's like. I know how scared you are, I've been there."
In back of her Maureen's voice was light, light and completely understanding and for a moment Vanessa wanted nothing more than to crumble. To tell someone everything that she was feeling. Every second of the conflictions inside of her, but she couldn't. Not to Maureen, it wouldn't have been right. How could she know that she could trust the strawberry blonde not to run and tell him. Vanessa knew that the last thing she needed was him finding out. That would have made the matters even worse than they were.
"I really don't know what you're talking about or what you think you know."
Shaking her head she moved from one table to the next without turning around to admit to anything. She knew if she turned around her eyes would betray her. They'd show her lies and her hurt with just a simple glance. Then there wouldn't be any getting around anything.
"I was pregnant too Vanessa. I was pregnant and I went through what you're thinking about."
Maureen's voice came out in more of a whisper than anything else as she kept her eyes glued to Vanessa who seemed to be slowly giving up. She dropped the cloth in her hand and put both of her hands on the table, shoulders suddenly slouched in defeat.
"Tripp and I had no idea what to do."
Standing up Maureen watched as Vanessa turned around, Vanessa's eyes were filled with blurry tears as she did everything not to look at Maureen's face.
"What's it matter? I can't do it by myself and he doesn't give a damn. He's more than happy looking forward to spending the rest of his life with Blair, I heard him say it. Who am I to stand in the way of what he wants? So what the hell does it matter? It's not like I even want this."
Swiping an angry tear from her eyes Vanessa bit her lip. Thinking about him and Blair made her feel even more helpless. It made what was going on feel like even more of a mistake,
"Vanessa, you have a choice. Tripp and I didn't. William, or rather, Grandfather made sure we didn't have a choice in any of it. Tripp, Tripp was too much of grandfather's protégée to think for himself. He didn't even give a thought to what was going on inside of me, it was all just what Grandfather wanted and what would disappoint Grandfather."
Vanessa ran a hand through her hair as she held back anymore hormone induced tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks without her permission. Her mind worked harder on turning all of her sadness in anger, anger at him and anger at herself. Even with Maureen sitting in front of her pouring out her soul Vanessa still felt as unsure of herself as she had before Maureen walked in.
"I don't have any other choice Maureen. I can't do this. I don't have anything to do any of this alone and I sure as hell can't ask him for anything. I don't want any part of the life you're in and I never have. I'm not that person and that's all people will think of this. That I'm just desperate to hold onto him, no one will give a second thought to anything else."
Up out of her chair Maureen walked forward till she was just a few steps away from Vanessa.
"You do have choices Vanessa, you shouldn't feel yourself backed into a corner. If you make this decision it should only be because it's what you want, not because you feel like you have no other choices. You can't punish yourself like that or you'll never get through it."
Maureen's voice held honesty, something that lately Vanessa wasn't very used to. People being honest didn't happen much anymore. She'd even been caught in a lie, Dan and Jenny were completely in the dark and she hated lying to her best friends. If there was anyone she could have used it would have been them. But, Dan would have judged and Jenny would have only resented her more. Nate was still sort of an odd subject when it came to the two. Trying to avoid Maureen's eyes wasn't possible as she lifted up her head, Maureen's eyes were boring into her. Yet, Vanessa knew it was only because Maureen was only trying to get her own point across. She was trying not to let Vanessa fall into the same downward spiral she herself had fallen into in the past. Vanessa letting herself think about it would only result in letting herself go more then she had by falling for him in the first place.
"Besides Vanessa, you need to see Nate with his younger cousins. He's the one taking them out for Halloween or organizing the Easter egg hunts at family gatherings. He'd make a great father if you'd let him. That's the type of guy that Nate is. I know he's done wrong by you but just give him another shot Vanessa, give him and the baby a shot. There are people that never get to experience what you have right now, I mean between the guy you love and the baby that's proof. Just give it a few thoughts."
She'd reached out and placed her hand on Vanessa's shoulder. Vanessa who shuttered at her touch and cast her eyes as far from Maureen's face as she could, she couldn't faultier to Maureen's pain, it was her own life that was in trouble.
"In the past week I've been over and over it in my head, but, I don't even have health insurance. I don't have four thousand dollars laying around for prenatal visits and delivery. I have an apartment to pay for and an alcoholic sister to take care of, I don't have time to worry about a baby or being pregnant. Taking care of myself isn't ever my top priority. Please, Maureen, don't take it as though I'm using abortion as the easy way to get out of a problem."
Vanessa winced as the word came from between her lips, saying the word made it all feel so much more real. Abortion, it meant that she was actually preg… no… that there was an actually bab… no, she couldn't let her mind drift there. It was only something she'd half thought about, this was something she felt she had to do for everyone around her, for its own life. The mess she went through on a daily basis wasn't something she wished to be thrown on to anyone else. That was only a few of the reason that having a baby wasn't an option, there was too much against her for her to go through with it. There would have been too much against a baby to begin with. What kind of life would that have made for?
"I'm frustrated with myself for letting any of this happen in the first place. I'm scared out of my mind, because I know that this is all… it's all real. This isn't just a dream that I'll eventually wake up from, Nate and I really messed up. There's no way that a blood culture and a urine test could both be wrong, this is all real and I don't know how to handle a second of it. I don't feel like most people would feel, it all feels like the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. I didn't play with dolls when I was little and I've never had the urge to be a mother, I've never felt any of that and after hearing the news I still don't feel it. How can any of this be right then? I've never even babysat. Kids are needy and dependent and I get enough of that having to take care of my sister. Why would I want to add any more responsibility to my life?"
She'd moved away from Maureen again, moved away and walked to angrily scrub at another table top that had probably been clean before she'd decided to take out her anger on it. Her mind was a swirl and she was finally letting out the thoughts in her head. Something she hadn't done since the doctor had rattled the news off in her ear at while she stood in the Humphrey's bathroom a week ago. When her life had seemed to stand still, it still felt like it wasn't moving much.
"Then, then if I were to go through with it I don't know the first thing in raising a baby. I basically raised myself and look how that turned out. How could I ever balance Ruby and something more needy then her, I don't know how to do any of this. I don't like the idea of having to do all of this alone, I know how hard it was to grow up with two parents who can't get their acts together and they were older. I can't imagine what it would be like to have only one parent. One who has no idea how to deal with a child in the first place. "
She was coming unraveled, Maureen could tell as she talked on and on trying to sort out her feelings verbally. Maureen would have let her talk all day if she had to. anything for her to have really considered everything that was going on, to actually consider that what was going on was more than just a shifting of cells and a mixing of DNA.
"I can't lie, there's this part of me, this part of me that wants to hold on. I have no idea how I'd do it but, the thought of having someone there unconditionally and always that alone is one of the most tempting things there is. Last week, walking through central park and seeing the way all the parents looked at their kids. That occurred to me. That's what's going on right now, I could be one of them. And as scary as it is to think of it's still there. But those kids, they have parents. Parents who can take care of them and cater to everything. What if I do go through with it. Will Nate resent me for that? Or, if I do go through with it and he decides that he can better take care of it, he's got money Maureen, anyone would be completely in his favor rather than mine. I don't want Blair raising my baby."
There, she'd said it. Someone she'd let the words slip from her mouth. Her baby, the words she hardly dared to think let alone speak. The sound of it sent a chill down her spine, Vanessa had left the cloth on the table and sat down in one of the chairs putting her head in her hands. It was all too much, she didn't want to think about any of it. All Vanessa wanted to do was put her actions to work, she needed to just have the abortion before she could change her mind. At seven weeks the clock was already ticking, to avoid any attachment she just needed to do it and get it over with.
"Vanessa, you just need to think it all through. Before you make a decision that you'll regret for the rest of your life. It's a baby Vanessa, a part of you and a part of Nate. Not just some accident, because, you both love one another. Even if you don't see it right now and you don't want to hear it. It's there. He loves you Vanessa, he might be an asshole right now, but, regardless there's a child involved here now. For the time being there's a baby in the middle of all of this. A baby that Nate would never try to take away from you, regardless of what shape your relationship is in. Vanessa, you know him better than that. So you both have had not so great childhoods, its all the more reason to do it and prove that you're not like your parents at all. That alone should show you just how much this baby will be cared for, just how much it'll mean to the both of you. Isn't the saying 'we all learn from our parents mistakes?' just think about it, I mean the good points rather than just the bad. Hey, I can tell you right now that you have both Tripp and I on your side. Tripp as well as myself know that Blair is all wrong for him. Nate has never been the cookie cutter kid unless she's around and it bugs Tripp to no end. He has no risk and far too many morals. He's just no fun to be around when he's with her. That's why his and Tripp's relationship was tainted before Grandfather ever intervened with the captain. But when he came back and found Nate with you rather then Blair everything was better, you were the one that repaired their relationship Vanessa. You're a breath of fresh air compared to the rest of the Upper East Side trash."
Maureen was being sincere and honest on everything; she'd fought with Tripp for numerous nights in a row over the fact that Blair was nothing more than Nate's crutch. Tripp had wanted to end everything once again when he's learned that it was Blair time again, if there was anything Tripp couldn't handle it was dealing with Blair for too long.
"You weren't raised as one of them were you?"
It was clear in the past statement; no one else would have ever dared to call anyone on the East Side trash unless they too knew exactly what it was really like. What the true game they played was, only someone who'd watched from the outside knew.
"Am I that obvious? I'd had a scholarship to Constance, my parents came into a bit of money when I was like fourteen, I feel in love with Tripp shortly after. Grandfather never knew that I wasn't like them from the beginning. All he cared about was who my father was and that he too had money. My past was all overlooked. I do my best to blend with everyone."
Just by looking at Maureen Vanessa could tell she was uncomfortable talking about the past, almost like she was ashamed of her past. That was what Vanessa was afraid of. Losing herself like it seemed so evident that Maureen had done. She liked not being one of them, she liked who Nate became when he wasn't near them. Everything changed when anything 'UES' was brought into the picture.
"Know what Vanessa, I need you to do me a favor. Can you trust me for a moment? I'm only asking for a single moment. it's not anything bad. I just want you to try something for me."
Vanessa had dropped her defenses, she'd already confinded in Maureen she really didn't' have much of a reason not to listen to anything she was about to say. What would be the use of it, what was the use of any of it. Her mind regardless of what they'd talked about was still set on having an abortion come the weekend. Vanessa didn't verbalize her surrender she simply gave Maureen a look letting her know it was fine for whatever she wanted. A peaceful smile spread cross Maureen's face as she took steps closer to Vanessa.
"Alright, close your eyes now"
Hesitating Vanessa eyed Maureen for a second, with a slight sigh she gave up and dropped her hands to her side before closing her eyes. She felt Maureen pick up her wrist and she loosened up enough for Maureen to bend her hand and put it on her stomach. As Vanessa stood there with her hand over her tee shirt she started to open her mouth and protest till Maureen's 'shh' made her shut her mouth and stay silent.
"Now, say all pressure is off and you decide to go along with this pregnancy. Just relax, in two years time… what do you see?"
Silence filled the room for a moment and Vanessa had a hard time connecting with the image in her mind, with the thought of having a child just over a year old in two years. Part of it made her feel like she was going to be sick again. Thinking that just under her shirt an actual baby rested, growing and waiting was perhaps more then she wanted to really think of. But she let her imagination take her over. She allowed herself to get lost in the make believe , the 'what if's' of everything being alright. An unexpected smile was brought to her face. She couldn't get it to just go away suddenly. So she did what Maureen said, she let herself into the image.
"What do I see if I were to keep the baby? Maureen, you know, this really isn't helping me… honestly. I just… I need you to go. I have an appointment to make."
Shuttering and pushing the image as far from her mind as she could she did her best to not think of it again. The thought had chilled her and what she hadn't noticed was the fact that she now had both of her hands resting on her abdomen. Her eyes may have been open but her mind was still partly frozen on the image. The little boy around eighteen months old with the bright blue eyes and elated smile, his chubby little arms wrapped so tightly around Nate's neck. She could see normally confused Nate's face with the smile reflecting that of his son's. She could see herself filming them, everything was just so perfect, so not what it would have been if she went through with the pregnancy. She didn't have any chance of everything going like the image in her head. They weren't those people and they hadn't ever been. Any of that hadn't been anything more than just a desperate lie.
She couldn't do it, she couldn't continue the pregnancy. She had so much ahead of her. Especially if she'd been accepted to NYU like she'd applied randomly to. Since Nate had taken her to do her SAT's she'd thought about it and considered it. NYU looked good to her, a chance to be something other than just an amateur. Since Nate had brought it up she'd considered it, then sending in the application she'd done as a surprise to him. If she did make it, it was something she wanted to do… for herself. With a baby she wouldn't be able to do it anymore. Was she really ready to let go of it all? It was all too much for her to think of, she felt like the room was closing in and she couldn't breathe.
Without another word to Maureen Vanessa was up on her feet, hand over mouth, heading full speed as fast as she could back to the gallery's small bathroom. She hadn't noticed Maureen was right behind her till after she'd dropped to her knees in front of the toilet. Maureen had grabbed Vanessa's hair back from her face, something no one had done yet. It felt good to finally like someone was sort of on her side. Someone Beside Cora who wasn't much speaking to her.
"Morning sickness alone isn't fun is it?"
Vanessa just barely caught Maureen's voice as she stayed gagging over the toilet.
Jen - I'm so glad you found my story then! :D Even the most alone person needs a few people on her side ;)
Christinamarie712 - I have a feeling it's be a subject she debates for quite a while.
Francesca - Just gotta remember it's Vanessa's decision on the abortion... depends on how bad Nate pisses her off...
rocklesson86 - LoveChild is intregueing isn't he? :P he'll come up again... for sure he'll come up again
Joanne - They don't give Vanessa enough, she deserves a little bit of the angst... and a lot more of the Nate love. (when he's not a jerk) I'll keep updating every other day! maybe more now that my classes are done till fall.
ALEX!! - I read your review over and over every time I got stuck! it helped me while writing the wedding scene :X have I said to much? :P lol Jess would be more then amazing if she was actually given more to work with. as you know I think she's the strongest actress on the show (personally) just because I loved her on WAB. Cora's a little upset with her right now, andddd Ruby is a pain in the neck. Scott! who i'm not at all looking forward to showing up this is a way I actually think he's decient. Nate needs to be hit over the head with something hard, something very very hard, even in the story he does. maybe then he'll go back to remembering who he really is. At least she knows for sure that it's Nate's baby! now it's all about her making a decision. looking forward to your next review!
And all reviews, thank you so much for them! please please please keep them coming. and anything else I can do for anyone let me know
(: Manda
