Author's Note: I apologize if this doesn't make much sense, I'm half watching medium. so last chapter wasn't my favorite chapter and I missed putting some things in it and what not. this chapter on the other hand I like, I really like and i'm hoping you all will to. don't forget to leave me your comments. I like replying to reviews, :D so I think you should enjoy this chapter... I hope you do at least. tell me what you think!

Manda


"Last time I at least got in the building, this time I stood outside. This is getting worse Scott, I mean, I couldn't even touch the door handle without freaking out. I called you to come get me and you listened, you shouldn't have listened. You should have told me to stay there till I did it. I have to do it."

In the week following telling her secret to Chuck Vanessa had balanced all ideas and her latest attempt had been to go through with the one thing she felt like she needed to do. She'd gotten as far as the Planned Parenthood building before the rain had started to fall. Then, she'd stood outside the looking at the brick building unable to move to go inside. She'd watched the hours of her appointment click by and she hadn't made any extra effort to go inside. Vanessa had just watched the minuets tick by on her cell phone. She'd seen all the girls braver then herself who had gone in and hadn't come back out. She had the money in her pocket for it, scraped up from pay, tips, and tuition she'd put aside for college, the letter she hadn't yet gotten. If she hadn't gotten into NYU there was no need for that money. Ruby would probably take it any way to buy pot and cocaine. That was not an environment to raise a baby in, that's the reason she needed to go inside and just have it done without thinking about it. But she'd let herself think about it. She'd let his whispers of 'I love you' and all the memories of their nights together seep into her head and she'd chickened out. Scott was there five minutes after she called. He'd been waiting nearby.

"I told you to do what you felt was best, if carrying the baby's what you want to do then do it. Vanessa you need to stop forcing yourself to do what's right for everyone else and do what's right for you. Even though school's a huge opportunity that you'll love, and, it's sitting right in front of you."

Putting his arms around her and pulling into a tight hug he kissed her temple, in the past week she'd gone with it. If Nate could take another shot at the game then why the hell couldn't she? Besides the fact that she was still carrying Nate's child things were ok. Scott wasn't Nate but he wasn't so bad either. He got along with Dan and Jenny as though they'd always known one another; it was nice to for once have no awkward moments over boyfriends when it came to Jenny. She should have been happy though it all. Vanessa couldn't get rid of the looming feeling that things weren't the way she wanted them to be still. Even if she'd gone into Planned Parenthood and gotten rid of the baby she wasn't sure if it would have helped any. Chuck's words telling her that Nate needed to know what was going on still lingered in her mind. Maybe if she'd of just told him she wouldn't have had any sort of problem getting the abortion.

"Here's your key, and I stopped to get your mail for you. I think there's something in here that you might want. I don't know though, you're bipolar when it comes to things like this."

Being slightly taller he pulled away and held the envelope above her head so that she couldn't reach it. Looking up into the drizzly rain she could make out the emblem on the corner of the thick envelope and a nervous smile spread across her face as she reached for it. It was strange, the year before she wouldn't have even thought the sight of the envelope would have excited her. There were a lot of things she hadn't thought about last year. Nate had been the one to change her world and put more color into it, now she just had some of the shades to struggle with. Trading the envelope for a kiss she grabbed it out of his hand with anxiousness. Holding the envelope in her hand she stood for a moment, this hadn't been the way she'd seen herself opening an NYU envelope. Standing outside of Planned Parenthood with a guy she wasn't even sure about yet was far from lying on Nate's bed and swapping envelopes like they'd planned to do. This wasn't it.

"Open it already; you're lucky I didn't open it for you on the way over. Then we can finally talk about next year like you've so desperately been avoiding. I don't see what the big deal is, college is calling your name Vanessa and I know you want to answer it. If you could only see how much your face lit up when you saw the envelop. You know that this is what you want, NYU is what you want."

She gave Scott a look as she turned the thick envelop over and started to open up the flap, all she wanted was to look at what was right in front of her for the moment, almost all she wanted. Scott stayed silent to Vanessa's surprise as she pulled the paper from it and looked it over.

Accepted, she was in. School was almost covered by financial aid and part of the rest she had in her pocket. One of the best film schools in the nation wanted her to study there. Her SAT's had proved to them how good she was on top of the documentary she'd sent. It was everything she'd wanted, everything she'd planned on doing. For five minutes nothing else mattered for a moment, she was just a normal eighteen year old getting accepted to college. Crying coming from a man walking by with a baby carriage was what jostled her from her thoughts. There was more over her head then just accepting an offer to go to college.

"I… I was accepted. They want me at NYU in the fall."

Vanessa flashed him a fake smile and folded the paper back in the envelop tucking it in her brown messenger bag and turning to walk down the street back to the apartment. She didn't care to think about it anymore, all Vanessa wanted now was to get home. To get home and push her efforts of the day to the back of her mind with a movie, pickle, and maybe a blueberry bagel with chocolate chip cream cheese. As gross as it all sounded Vanessa's cravings lately had been through the roof. If she stayed pregnant she had eleven out of forty weeks down and already she felt like she was eating everything in sight.

They walked in silence all the way back to Ruby and Vanessa's small apartment. She couldn't find it in her to talk about it, to vocalize any of it. They'd talked about it before and she knew his opinion on it, he thought she needed to go to school. School was more important in his eyes over anything else, to her, she wasn't really sure. Her mind was back and forth on it all, part of her just wanted to run all the way to Vermont and never look back. That sounded the most tempting, forgetting she ever had a life in New York.

Too many people knew her secret now. Maureen who found out from Vanessa's own stupidity, Scott who she'd come clean with after he'd kissed her for the first time less than a week ago, Cora who she'd first told her suspicions to, Ruby who of course didn't remember, and Chuck who she'd told because she needed to. She'd needed someone close to him to know, to help her in some strange way. Then there was Noelle, Elle had overheard Vanessa talking in her sleep delirious with fever a few weeks past. She'd heard her mumbling about Nate and the baby, the three year old had watched her, hand station on her stomach, as she mumbled and talked. There wasn't much room to deny it for Cora. When Ele thought she knew something it was the last thing she'd let go. Both Vanessa and Cora knew it. Six people knew what had her so worked up and confused most hours of the day, he biggest life decision. It wasn't too many people to still have a decision but it was too many people for the risk of him finding out through someone else's mouth then her own.

There was so much on her mind that she needed to process and consider and so much that she didn't want to think about. She'd been accepted into the Tisch program, all of the opportunities that were presented in front of her were overwhelming. Getting into NYU was a lifetime decision, everything would have been laid right at her feet if she took the offer. Every bit of it sounded good to her. To stay in the city and further her dream, express the things that she saw differently than anyone else. Vanessa had a chance to study with the best of the best. To go to a school she might have actually liked. That offer was one that she would have said yes to in a second if nothing else had been standing in her way. If she only thought about herself and no one else she would have been going straight to NYU in the fall, she'd of moved into the dorms and left Ruby to wallow in problems all by herself. Even Scott would have been at NYU, Scott who told her she needed to do what she wanted and not what anyone else wanted. He just had the habit of wanting her to follow the college rout. That wasn't Vanessa though and that wasn't all Vanessa had to think about. If that had been all Vanessa's life might had been a little bit simpler then it was.

She didn't even know what simple was anymore, if simple was even something that actually existed. Things would have been simple if she and Nate had just planned on going to Europe and had actually followed through with it. Then things would have been good and she wouldn't have had a million things to worry about. They would have talked about college and enjoyed one another's company, not dealing with an unplanned pregnancy on her own with a guy who was still a virtual stranger yet. Sure, he was her boyfriend of sorts but it didn't mean that her feelings or attraction to him was very dominant, not like it was for Nate. And that wasn't something that she was looking for anyways.

Unlocking and opening the door to her apartment she tossed the keys on the table with bad aim as they fell to the ground as they usually did. She couldn't have been bothered to pick them up as she rolled her and walked forward to throw herself onto the couch omitting a sigh. As she lay down on her back and looked up at the ceiling exhausted from her day already and it'd hardly started yet.

"Why are you doing the silent thing? Vanessa it's your future, I'm only trying to point out what might be the most influential to you. You know all the potential that you have."

She flicked her eyes to look at him as he came closer to her, pickle and cup cake on a plate. He'd been near her to long it seemed, even he knew her cravings were odd. He placed it on the table in back of her head and looked down at her. In his eyes she could see that he had feelings for her and he did his best to respect her wishes. But Scott wanted school, for some strange reason he wanted school in New York and to be involved with her. He got along with Dan, Jenny, and Serena and he was the first guy not to be completely infatuated with Serena. She should have loved that she was first rather than the blonde bombshell. But, she couldn't comply with his wishes she didn't think. She couldn't sacrifice one thing for another person. She'd already done that and lost too much of herself in the process, she wasn't sure if it would have been worth it to do it again. Not when the thing she could have been giving up might have been her only shot.

She'd never had the urge to be a mother, most of the time Vanessa didn't even really like kids all that much. There was something about knowing the baby was her baby that changed it all. For some reason that was all she could think of. While she'd stood outside of Planned Parenthood it had all come down on her. Even if it was far earlier then she'd expected or ever wanted, and she knew that she still had her whole life ahead of her she wasn't sure if she could just let it go anymore. The attachment grew with every breath she took slowly those facts were taking her over. Pregnancy was beginning to settle into her mind not that she wanted to admit it out loud, it was just something she'd keep in the back of her mind till she was sure of her decisions.

"Scott, I really don't want to talk about it"

Lifting the frosting off the cupcake she put her finger in her mouth, her eyes still closed. She knew he wasn't pleased with the way she was acting but they'd only known one another for about five weeks, five weeks where Vanessa hadn't known what she'd wanted even once. It was all more then she thought she could handle at times.

"Know what… I'm going to um… I'm going to pick up a movie and call my parents. I'll see you in a few hours or maybe tomorrow"

Soon as he turned his back on her she rolled her eyes. Guys, they were all the same. All the same and all a pain in the ass, they didn't know how to grow up. She took a bite of the pickle and pulled up her favorite quilt. Maybe a nap would do her some good.


New Port, half the time she was in New Port he couldn't have been more glad. Those were the nights he'd spent with Vanessa for hours and hours laying on top of blankets, sheets, and pillows both innocent and not. Tonight, New Port was as far from a good idea as it could have ever been. Tonight Nate didn't know what to do or how to act and to make matters worse he couldn't get in touch with his mother. Which meant she's probably had way to much wine and was sound asleep somewhere with her snobby friends. His mind was on fire and he had nowhere to turn. Grandfather would have been the last person on his list, Maureen and Tripp were on their honeymoon, Chuck didn't do well when it came to family matters, and Blair… well, she was just Blair, just not the right person he wanted to console him at a time like this. Serena wouldn't have been a smart choice with the fact that he was with Blair and he'd been there and done that before. He was sure Dan couldn't have been very much on his side, Jenny wouldn't have been very bright to attempt at not that he even would have. The one person that he knew would have sat with him without question, the one person he'd of most wanted to be there at a time like it wasn't exactly friends with him right now. He'd messed up their relationship completely. All of it left Nate with nothing to work with. He knew he shouldn't have been such an ass to her. You're not supposed to treat the people you love that way.

He'd treated everyone wrong lately, like he'd been living in a fog. Why standing in the middle of the ER was reminding him of it all he didn't know but it was. The prospect of his father's maybe heart attack was putting a lot of things in perspective. Being alone in the ER was reminding him of everything he didn't want to be involved in, what was the use when you didn't have anyone to lean on. Doctors rushed in and out of his father's hospital room, monitors beeped and rang out and Nate couldn't stand near the door any longer. Not alone and not with the prospect of something happening to his own father. Nate didn't take loss very well, he'd had more than enough loss in his life and he wasn't sure if he could handle anymore.

Coffee sounded good, even if it was stale coffee it sounded good. It sounded like it would wake him up for a while. Nate had made up his mind to go and attempt to find the cafeteria. Walking down the hallway he passed by the waiting area only to stop in his tracks, from anywhere he would have known his own St. Jude's Lacrosse sweatshirt and the person that was tucked into it, her head hidden in her arms, messy curls cascading down her back. Her sister had to have been in some type of trouble again, he knew how much she hated being alone when Ruby was dragged in for alcohol poisoning. Even if he'd been rude to her and they weren't exactly on speaking terms he wasn't about to let her sit alone too. He was the only one that knew about just how bad Ruby was, Vanessa couldn't tell Dan, she wouldn't tell Dan. That's when Nate felt it more than before, she was the one he leaned on and vice versa.

Getting closer to her he knew she was sound asleep, her gentle breathing still seemed rough and nervous. He was used to seeing her like that, in hospitals especially. It seemed almost like a monthly basis for Ruby. The thought of her being there all alone and dealing with Ruby all on her own made him feel guilty and for a moment his father was far from his mind. Just the way she always did things to him, he couldn't think of anyone else besides what she needed and what was good for her. His need to protect her was as great as ever as he watched over her, he felt like he needed to touch her to know that she was real. To know that he wasn't alone now and for her to know that she wasn't either, they needed one another.

"Vanessa"

He whispered softly reaching out to pull a strand of hair away from her face as he attempted to wake her up. She wasn't in a very heavy sleep since her head popped up right away and she blinked her sleepy eyes for a few seconds letting them adjust to who was in front of her. She couldn't have been fully awake as she lunged forward and buried her head in his shoulder.

"Shh, it's ok V, I've got you."

Soothing into her hair he held onto her tightly and rubbed her back as she started to cry. Vanessa never took Ruby's 'accidents' lightly but she only cried when she was really afraid. Normally he'd of been with her right from the start. He'd of been the one to hold her and sooth her into telling her that everything was alright. He held her close to him as they sat on the floor, him rocking her back and forth and whispering as she started to come out of her sleepy haze. She hated hospitals, as did he; they were quite a pair when it came to the sterile white walls.

"Where's Ruby V? What's going on with Ruby?"

Feeling her shutter at her sister's name Nate tightened his grip and she didn't complain she just held tighter to him. It's what he'd meant by being around when they needed one another, she wasn't quite awake and she was already hysterical, all of it got his mind off of his father for a while, just what he'd wanted. With her there it was possible, with her he could worry about her only and block everything out. When he was with Vanessa everything faded into the background, it was a feeling he forgot, a feeling he missed. It was like she was the model of carefree and comfort for him regardless of the situation, it was something he couldn't explain. Something he'd done his best to brush off till she was in his arms now.

"She wasn't breathing, she wasn't breathing and I didn't notice. I was too damn preoccupied"

Breathing in every inch of her coconut scent he didn't loosen his grip on her for even an inch, with everything swirling around him he needed her to breathe. His hand rubbed her back and she wrapped her arms around his neck, he was sure it was just because she needed someone there and couldn't care that it was him or if it had been a stranger.

"I've told you a million times that it's not your job to babysit her. V, you do everything that you can, more then you should have to. Sometimes you're too good to her Vanessa."

The doctor walking forward broke him from his thoughts yet he didn't bother to stand up to greet the doctor. It was the one from his father's room, he had a grim look on his face and it only made Nate lean his head on top of Vanessa's whatever the doctor had to say it couldn't be good. With a look like the one the doctor possessed the news he had with him couldn't have been good. With the fact of it all there was only one person he wanted with him, and she was there, right there for him to hold onto till it was all out in the open. No one else would have been the understanding or comfort he needed like she would have been. For her being there, he was grateful.


Unconscious and not breathing on the bathroom floor, Vanessa should have known something was up when she didn't hear gagging. She'd waited fifteen minutes before going to look for her only to find Ruby in a condition she couldn't revive her from. After a night of binge drinking and ingesting only god knew what else it wasn't too much of a surprise. Ruby had a habit of not paying real attention to what was going on around her. When she drank it was to have fun and play games. She wasn't the sensible sister that was normally left completely up to Vanessa. That's what had added to the pregnancy being even more of a disappointment in her eyes. It wasn't like Ruby would have ever pulled something so stupid. Maybe in that way Ruby had the right idea of things, she'd never have to be sacred to shitless that she'd messed up the entire night by falling for three little words that made up what Vanessa considered to be a very fake faze. The moment though belonged to Ruby, Ruby who was on the road to giving Vanessa a nervous breakdown. The ambulance had gotten there pretty quickly after they were called. Not easing Vanessa's nerves much.

She'd stayed beside the glass window only long enough to see them pump Ruby's stomach of all the toxins she'd put into it. Vanessa had assured the paramedics and doctors working on her sister that it wasn't a suicide attempt it was just Ruby being her normal twenty-one year old self. Then, she'd headed back over to the waiting area in attempt to calm her own blood pressure down a few notches. She could hear it in her ear that was just how much her heartbeat was racing. Her better judgment told her that she needed to calm down or she'd have more than just Ruby to worry about. So she'd wondered over to the waiting room and sat down in a chair closing her eyes. She hadn't meant to fall asleep, she hadn't even thought she was comfortable enough to fall asleep, she was just exhausted enough to fall asleep. Every day she was exhausted, living took too much out of her every day.

Then when she ever woke up in his arms she'd thought she was dreaming, dreaming a dream she'd wanted for as long as they'd been apart. Maybe not in the same circumstances but they were together, she could touch him and know that he was really there, her crave for him was just as bad as always. Turning from having her back to him she was torso to torso with him as she opened up her hazel eyes to find him finally asleep. Dried tears shown on his face as the early dawn light shown in the window and blazed down on the bed. She couldn't have cared what their last exchange of words had been prior to the night, she didn't care if Scott trusted her, nor did she care what Blair would think. The only thing she knew was that he had his arms around her; she'd been the one to wipe his tears. His whole life was shaken up and changed in a night and she'd been the one to care for him, to listen, just as she'd always done regardless of their relationship or lack there of.

Her leg was thrown around him, pressing herself as close to him as she could get and she didn't try to move. One of his hands rested on her hip and the other behind her head as she kept still and watched him. There were so many mornings where she'd watched him sleep, even now with the stained marks down his face she couldn't tear her eyes away from him. She'd never known the pain he'd know when he opened his eyes but she'd be there for him. She wasn't sure why exactly but the thought of it all made her slip her left hand between them to rest on her abdomen. It was the first time she'd done it while she was awake, there was something about him being there with his arms around her that made her brave enough to. At the same time she shuttered, it all felt way too real suddenly. His eyes blinking open so suddenly made it partly worse as she dropped her hand right away to her side and locked eyes with his perfect sapphire ones.

He had to have thought the same thing she had in the hospital before reality had set in. thought that they were back months ago when everything was ok and the madness hadn't set in. his eyes showed it, soon as he remember what had happened the night before his eyes showed the hurt and the pain. She had to bit her lip to avoid her increased hormones from filling her eyes with water. Instead she let him bend his forehead to lean on hers, grateful for the silence.

"I know that you don't want to, but, maybe you should try to call your mom again"

They'd been asleep for two hours, they'd only been at the apartment for two and a half. He'd carried her home, acting like she needed consoling over his own. She knew it was anything to escape the reality that he refused to let set in. she'd let him do it, whatever he needed to do. Ruby was in a medical induced coma till the toxins were out of her system completely and she'd be halfway decent to reason with. There wasn't anything else that she could do for Ruby. She'd had a long night with Ruby but, it wasn't anything like the night Nate had had worrying about his father. A father that had put him and Anne through hell only to find out that William Vanderbilt had been behind the whole thing. Now, the father that Nate fought with so much wouldn't ever get the chance to say another word to his son again. The captain was dead; a heart attack had claimed his life without any prior warning. Nate hadn't even gotten a chance to say goodbye from what she'd gathered. He'd mumbled and broken down to her and she'd stayed quiet and listened. Doing exactly what he'd wanted and not telling him it was all alright and it was all going to be ok.

"Yea"

Whispering Nate pulled his head back from Vanessa and stayed looking into her eyes, just barely avoiding the blaze that burned in both of their chests. It wasn't a time for fighting or reconciliation, it was a time for friendship, that's what he needed most. Yet, he never moved his arms from around her for more then a second to pull her favorite orange quilt around them both and she never protested. She left her leg thrown around him and slipped her left hand that had previously been resting on her stomach to the side of his face brushing the corner of his eye as she leaned her head into his chest. She was simply there to be his friend, maybe they could attempt that one.


rocklesson86 – glad you liked it! Chuck's under a lot of stress, at times he has no idea himself what he's saying. That broken heart Blair gave him is single handedly the worst thing he's ever gone through without liquor working. Of course he told Nate's secrets, Chuck can have a very big mouth when he wants to.

Izzy! :D – Nate can be such an ass, but with the way he's been acting lately it wouldn't surprise me for him to be so rude to her. After all he told her she was no better than Blair, ew

Yea, I really should have continued on with that chapter I didn't mean for it to come off like Cora told her and I'm hoping the little bit in this chapter cleared it up. I need to pre read before I post things! I'll remember that from now on. I half did it with this chapter. Vanessa likes to reliaze things and then keep them to herself.

Chuck is her new buddy, remember one of the things he most cares about is 'Nathaniel' and anything that has to do with Nate.

Jen – Chuck Bass will be around for a long while. Lol Chuck provides comic relief and bitter sweetness. Elle thinks it's her fishy, gotta remember she's one of Nate's biggest fans. She could be very important coming up. Maureen will be coming back, she's important, very important. I should have mentioned that, Chuck was invited threw the Vanderbilt's they assumed, that's why Nate was so annoyed with Blair.

Christinamarie712 – :D Chuck is Chuck, he cares about Nate and everything Nate cares about. He knows his best friend pretty well. Nate is coming up, knowing I mean… perhaps ;) Elle likes to talk to Vanessa about the fishy.

Francesca – it's getting closer, very much closer ;) can't wait till that part is up!

Alex!!! :D – first off when I saw the length of your comment I totally squeaked out loud! Because it excited me, more than excited me, and I've read it and re read it. I still am only ish with last chapter and I'm going to be that this chapter might have been a little bit better then the last, I'm hoping so anyways.

See, Chuck's turning into a sweetheart, sort of, it's scary in its self isn't it? Yea, I thought Nate needed a little bit more background maybe something that showed why he is so dumb and blind at times. Chuck just felt like he needed to even up the scores a little bit. Tell Vanessa something that she didn't know.

Don't you just want to ring Nate's neck, well, now I feel bad for him but I'm still frustrated qwith him and don't worry, V's not going to just melt into his arms always, but he's had it rough and she feels like she needs to be there for him. Nate's a pain and he thinks he's king of the world. See what happens when you mix Nate and the Vanderbilt's. it's an explosion of stupid. Just that simple.

Jess would make anything they handed her perfect, they just need to hand her more than they do! So not fair! I think I've watched both the Daughtry and the Matt White videos a million times lately. They really need to give her more than they do.

Seeeee I didn't mean for it to come off as though Cora right out told her, I should have explained it better and I touched it in this chapter and it will be more so in the next or the one after, I'm not sure which is going to turn out to be which just yet. Well, Cora thinks she needs to keep it, she's voiced that one. Scott is on the side of getting rid of it, going to college and making a real life for herself. Other things are coming up in a way that you might not expect. She'll have everything in front of her and everything thought through. ;)

let see, Chuck is coming back next chapter, with Dan now that I think about it. Jealous Nate is going to be around too, worse than he was with asshat perhaps? Nate needs to learn that he doesn't take precedence for everything though. Oh! One other thing that's coming up Nate and Ruby… I think, yea pretty sure there. Yay! I'm so happy that Nate was right on key, just what I was hoping for.

Blair, hmmm Blair, I have such an issue when it comes to writing Blair for some reason. Well actually I know why! Because I hate her! :D lol sorry, um, perhaps… I'll look at it all and attempt to decide what's going on with Blair. And I promise I will not throw her off of any cliffs.

hope you liked this chapter darling! :D can't wait for your next review!