Author's Note: Thank you so much everyone that reviews! :D hope this chapter is as good, sorry for the short note, the sun outside is calling me. so i'm gonna go take a notebook and lay in the grass for a bit. leave me your thoughts! you know they mean a ton to me :D

-Manda


"Rufus I'm taking off"

Vanessa called out as she stood in the doorway watching him dust paintings. At least with him dusting paintings he wasn't giving her the 'I'm so disappointed in you' look he'd been giving her for the past five days. He hadn't said anything about it he'd just shake his head when he thought she wasn't looking. She hadn't gotten it from her own parents yet Rufus Humphrey was more than sticking up for that job. It was cutting close to a week now since she'd been at the Humphrey loft, after Jenny's outburst the last time she'd dared to walk in there a day after Anne's funeral Vanessa wasn't about to go there again. She'd had enough of people yelling at her. Nate included in that one. Maybe leaving with a shut off cell phone wasn't the best of ideas, but, she'd just needed alone time.

None of that was even the problem at hand, the issues was Rufus now. he was looking at her once again with disappointment in his eyes as she leaned back against the doorway her hands resting over the bump in her purple tank top. Now that everyone knew Vanessa felt much more comfortable when he hands rested over her stomach, where they did often now. not having to wear big baggy sweatshirts in the dead of summer felt good too of course. It was just the stares and gawks she could have very easily done without. Though she'd been expecting it once Gossip Girl caught on she still hadn't been ready for it. though, who would have been? Especially when she was a person that didn't particularly like attention that that matter, scandals weren't something she'd liked to have been in the middle of.

"Go ahead and say it"

She shook her head and putting her hands up waiting for him to put his input into it all. She'd been waiting for him to start all day. What was one more person to rattle off how they felt about her mistakes. William had already told her that 'the bastard child wasn't ever going to be more then that when Nathaniel came to his senses'. It had hurt more then she thought it would to hear the word bastard slip from his mouth. She'd been expecting it naturally, but she just hadn't thought she'd feel so protective. It had just been a good thing Maureen had grabbed her wrist and dragged her out of the building before she could have flipped out on the man that she didn't think very highly of. It was pretty obvious that Nate had filled Maureen in on her latest running away stunt and their hospital run.

None of that really compared to the look in Rufus's arms. Suddenly she was relieved that it was her and not Dan or Jenny. Just his eyes alone made her want to shrink away in guilt. Maybe this was what a parent's reaction was supposed to be. Not demanding it be gotten rid of like Anne had done or just barely the celebration her mother had put up. Maybe she should have been happy that at least one person cared that she was ruining her life, or at least part of her thought of it that way.

"I'm just a little disappointed in you Vanessa. I thought you were smarter than this. Your life isn't supposed to be turning out this way. You were planning on so much. A child is a very big responsibility. One that you have to be very sure you're ready to take on before you do it. It's not something that's very easy to do alone either, and you're a lot younger then I was when it was just me with Dan and Jenny."

Silently she smiled and shook her head as her eyes shut, yep, those were some of the words she'd been waiting for. It was all the truth she more than knew. She had been counting on being more then what she was doing now. Vanessa had worked for everything she'd achieved in life. Sure, book smarts had come easy but Vanessa had always been one of the few that actually got things. She took life for what it really was, hard work and something you had to work at to achieve the things you wanted. She'd never been handed anything on a silver platter like the life she was now associating herself with. Love hadn't meant to be something she'd fallen for, but, she had. There hadn't been any going back once it was done.

"I didn't plan this one Rufus and you know that. Think about who I am for a second. You know that I didn't want any of this… ever. It just happened and I couldn't change it. Do you remember what it was like the first time you and Allison heard Dan's heartbeat? I know Allison's told the story a million times. Well I know how you felt. Think of it this way, the first time I heard it's heart beat I was there to have an abortion because this wasn't what I wanted nor was it anything near what I wanted. There's something about that heartbeat and knowing that it's inside of you that makes it so difficult to turn your head and decide that it shouldn't exist. For the first time I found myself not capable of doing something I had set my mind to do."

Finishing her second she paused for a moment gathering the rest of her thoughts as she held her finger up so he wouldn't talk and interrupt her. The silence of her own mind all through work had given her something she needed to think about and get off of her chest before someone else made her explode. She just half felt bad that Rufus had chosen himself to be her first victim with it all.

"It was an accident, and hell, I think I can even admit that a majority of me still thinks it was a mistake but it's done now and it's not like I can go back and change any of the facts. Nate and I made a mistake one that's going to follow the both of us forever. There isn't anything I can do about it now and if I'm being perfectly honest I don't know if I would go back. Sure, it would be a lot easier but you know how alone I've always felt. Watching you and Allison with Dan and Jenny having normal Christmas every year. As much as maybe a mistake this is it's mine. And I know it doesn't make any…."

She trailed off as she attempted to decipher the look on Rufus's face; it looked like it was mixed with mind amusement. Vanessa couldn't figure out how any of it could have been mixed with any sort of amusement. She played with the chunky bracelets around her wrist as she waited for Rufus to talk and explain himself.

"You're full of guilt aren't you?"

His simple sentence had hit her soap box and knocked it down figuratively as she nodded her head and looked down. Vanessa should have known him to get it exactly right on first try. She'd grown up around him after all, he knew her better than her own father did. he and Allison had been the ones to rush her to the ER after she'd cracked her skull open after she'd jumped off the garage roof at age eight when she'd gone away with them to New Hampshire for the summer. The thought of it made her run her fingers over the scar at her hairline and shutter.

"I know I'm ruining his life and my own and that's the one thing I'm afraid of. If I'm ruining our lives how am I not ruining its life too? How do I know I'm doing the right thing?"

The smile had now had on his face made her lightly growl at him under her breath as she traced her steps back and sat down in a chair with her arms crossed and resting onto of the small bump.

"it's all something you have to figure out Vanessa. For the best of you and it's not something that's just going to happen overnight. It's a big deal that you weren't planning for. But at least you told him. You didn't make snap decisions or hide things from him."

Speaking sourly from experience she offered him a slight smile, he hadn't seen the people that had adopted Scott like she had. he'd only seen the people who hadn't wanted to let their remaining son go. Vanessa wasn't about to speak out on that. Normally she would have tried to protest for arguments sake but that wasn't very high on her list today.

"How did your checkup go yesterday?"

The change in subject was something she was more than relieved for. She bit her tongue as she thought back on it. the argument she and Nate had got in when she told the doctor not to tell them what it was. when the ultrasound technician seemed like such a judgmental ass on so many levels Vanessa hadn't been in the greatest of moods. it had caused a slight rift between she and Nate so far that she'd slept on the couch and left before he'd even gotten up in the morning. She was still staying at his apartment without being home due to the fact that Ruby was suddenly on her 'honeymoon' at some tent city somewhere. Alone was out of the question when no one knew where Scott was. of course that wasn't something she'd tell Rufus about, even if he hadn't raised him Scott was still Rufus's son.

"He's about two weeks behind now and they don't know why. I don't know the woman had a problem with treating me apparently. It's nothing I'm not used to believe me. I was just glad it was over when it was before Nate said something he shouldn't have."


"You tell me he sent you and I swear to god I'm going back home tonight whether my sister is home or not! How many times do I have to say that I don't need a baby sitter? I mean damn it, I'm not a little kid."

Vanessa said pointing a finger at Chuck as soon as she stepped onto the sidewalk outside of the gallery. He was standing there with a smirk on his face as he leaned against the door of the black limo that was wide open and she guessed waiting for her. Vanessa hated having an escort, there was no need for it, and she liked taking the subway. It didn't matter if the heat outside was hot enough to fry and egg on the sidewalk she didn't need special treatment. How much clearer did she have to make that fact before someone listened to her? She sighed and crossed her arms above her stomach waiting for him to respond to her. It better have been a pretty damn good response or she was walking away without looking back.

"Relax Vanessa this is exactly what he told me not to do. What neither of you realize is that you are clearly one of the most hated people on the East Side right now. I'm pretty sure Penelope has the rest of the headbands in order to take you down on a mission to save Nate's freedom. I'd rather not see anything to you or the shrimp, not that I don't want to see anything happen to you, I just don't feel like listening to Nate whine about it if something were to. don't get the wrong ide… why am I explaining things to you? Just get in the damn car."

Growing impatient with her he motioned again to the inside of the car as she rolled her eyes and started to walk past him. He should have known he'd have his work cut out for him. She was especially stubborn lately, more then she'd ever been. With every day that passed that she felt her losing herself more and more the more impatient and stubborn she became. She needed to hold onto one aspect of her former self before it was all gone completely. Before she could get more then a few steps out of his way he grabbed her wrist lightly and tugged a little to pull her back in the direction of the car.

"Vanessa… please?"

Hearing Chuck say the word please alone made her cave with only slight resentment. Chuck Bass never said please about anything. it had to mean he was serious. Rather than making a bigger scene she tore her wrist out of her hand and stomped to the limo like an angry child.

"Happy?"

She rolled her eyes as she slid over to the other end of the limo as he too got in and shut the door. She could tell by the smirk on his face he knew she'd eventually cave. Vanessa would have put him through more torture if she felt like sleeping at the gallery but home with Nate sounded pretty good. After their argument the night before making up sounded pretty good, among other things.

"The headbands are more brutal then you think, especially when Blair doesn't approve of something either. I'm sure you got that one loud and clear the other day though."

Throwing a bottle of water to the place next to her she picked it up and unscrewed the cap to take a sip. The other day had been a nightmare, Blair had simply left early rather than going to Anne's memorial. It wasn't till three days ago that Vanessa had gotten out of the shower only to walk out on Blair screaming at Nate and throwing every available name in the book at him regarding her. Nothing less had been accepted of course. Sleeping with Chuck and Nate had made Vanessa public enemy number one. Regardless if Blair hadn't exactly liked her to begin with the feelings only seemed to intensify now that 'she'd slept her way into the East Side'. Thinking at it now it all made her roll her eyes. She hadn't expected the outcome of everyone finding out to be good anyway. The results hadn't even been good when she'd found out if she recalled correctly.

As if her negative thoughts were transferrable to the baby the kicking that started made her scrunch her nose. It was still strange and unreal to her, feeling it actually moving. Not that she wasn't grateful; with her partly unsatisfactory appointment knowing that it was there was a part relief. There was also a small part of her that liked to hear Nate's conversations with it after he thought she was asleep. He turned into someone no one would have guessed he could be. No one besides her.

"Something wrong?"

Concern crossed his face as she raised her head to look at him confused for a second before she realized she'd been following the kicking with her hand and her eyes. Her thoughts had completely strayed from where she was or what she was doing. Worry about the headbands hadn't ever crossed her mind. She wasn't afraid of them, they could do whatever or say whatever they wanted. Vanessa had enough things on her mind to worry about with everything around her.

"Oh, no nothing, it's just… moving. I think someone would rather be teaching the Lacrosse freshman with Nate rather than tagging along to work with me."

Shrugging her shoulders she shook her head at him. She watched him as he watched from her face to her stomach with interest. She raised an eyebrow at him when his interest hit her like Ele's did whenever she said it was kicking.

"Come here Chuck"

He looked at her like she was crazy for a moment and started to shake his head to make a snarky comment that he swallowed after a moment of curiosity passed. It didn't take him to long to make up his mind and slide over to her. They both looked at one another for only a second, knowing that if they did to long an argument of some sort would have erupted without a question. She moved her hand off the spot giving him enough room to put his own hand down. They were completely silent and it only took a second before the baby moved another light time. Chuck's hand moved fast off of the spot and Vanessa couldn't help but laugh at him.

"That has to be a very uncomfortable feeling while you and Nate are…"

Before he could finish his sentence Vanessa had clasped her hands over her ears not wanting to hear him finish the rest of his disturbing sentence. Leave it to chuck to bring sex into everything. Typical.

"Exactly how high are you right now?"

He narrowed his gaze staring at her as he moved back away from her and closed his mind clearly thinking about her question. That alone made her shake her head at him and attempt not to laugh at him. Waldorf was making him soft and making him drugged, the things that love did to a person. Speaking of, they were finally stopped outside of the apartment, she was relieved for it being a short ride before Chuck decided to say anything else. He'd re question once he was sober and clean.

"I'm off to dinner with Roman and Harold"


Seeing them so friendly as she got out of Chuck's limo made Nate unexpectedly uncomfortable. Knowing that they'd been together in ways he didn't want to think about made him want to break their conversation up immediately. Nate didn't like competition when it came to Chuck, Chuck was far too much of a smooth talker for that. It didn't matter to him if she was carrying his baby, she was still too close to Chuck alone for his comfort. Chuck was a sleaze sometimes, Nate wasn't about to deny that and Nate knew quite well that he still deserved hell for what he'd done by 'stealing' Blair before graduation. Dropping the cigarette to the ground he crushed it under his shoe, Tripp had just left, Nate only smoked when he was in company that did or he was stressed. This one was just a company light, he'd felt oddly almost calm lately.

That was as long as she was in a better mood then she'd been in before she'd slept on the couch. That was one thing he couldn't wait to be rid of, pregnancy hormones. All of that were just things he had to deal with and he didn't mind so much. As he put his hand in his pocket and his hands connected with the velvet jewelry box he smiled to himself, it was all worth it. He was sure she'd put up another fight regarding the velvet box but he didn't care. It meant something to him and she'd suck it up, he knew he could get her to. After all he had skipped his mother's will reading just to get it, he just couldn't let her know exactly that and he couldn't let her know exactly what it was either.

He picked up his pace a little bit and caught her hand as she was about to shut Chuck in the limo door. She had a slight smile on her face as he gave Chuck a half wave and pulled Vanessa into an unexpected kiss. For the first time in a while she didn't bother to complain as she wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him back letting the limo drive off behind them. Nate's hand slid to rest on the sides of her stomach as he continued with the kiss knowing it would more than likely end up all over Gossip Girl. She seemed to be trailing and annoying Vanessa more than she ever had in the past week.

"I missed you today"

Whispering with his forehead still pressed to hers he laced the hands, sidewalk PDA was something they had both participated in from the beginning. It had been the causes for the nearly disaster during the winter formal. The night he'd noticed for the second time that if she walked away from him he'd lose every little grip on reality and what really mattered. She was more than just some random girl he'd slept with on a café floor. She'd in her own way changed him, that was even before getting pregnant.

"I can see that"

Vanessa smiled and he tucked her hair behind her ear and started to lead her into the apartment. He had more up his sleeve then what was in his pocket. She seemed to be in a good mood and after their minor fight the night before he just wanted to kiss her. But first there was something bothering him. Even after Chuck had pulled away the thoughts still nagged at him and tempted to turn Nate's thoughts for the night sour till he knew some of the things he was still in the dark about. The thought of his best friend and his girlfriend together made him shutter, maybe now he knew how Blair had felt about himself and Serena. That all felt like a whole other lifetime.

"You and Chuck were together at Maureen and Tripp's wedding. But were you together . like together together a lot?"

He shuttered again as the words came out of his mouth to her. Pulling Vanessa into the apartment he wanted her closely as she looked away from him. He knew whatever was to com eout of her mouth next wouldn't exactly be anything that he wanted to hear but he needed to hear it. regardless if he had no room to talk. He and Blair had been together a few times. not by much help with him, it had taken him more time then Blair had liked to want her in that way and he never fully had. that just went to further prove that the way things had been like that wasn't the way they always should have been.

"You don't really want to do this Nate"

Shaking her head she took her hand out of his and walked to the couch laying back on it as he sat down beside her. Skeletons in closets were the killers of most relationships, ok, that was it. Tripp really needed to stop influencing him to speak his mind. Tripp double majoring in politics and psychology wasn't good for anyone. Sitting beside her on the couch he rubbed his hand up and down on her thigh, he knew what it did to her, she'd lose more of her train of thoughts to hide things and she'd be next to completely honest.

"It was just sex Nate. Sex, drugs, and liquor. He made me feel good while you were being an asshole. The only reason I'm telling you this is because I don't feel like lying to you, and I know you're going to get pissy about. I needed something Nate, and Chuck was hurting too. You and Blair… I don't even want to get into this one."

He didn't want to hear anymore as he ended her thoughts with a kiss, all thoughts of her sleeping with Chuck were some he wanted to discard from his own mind. Thoughts of her smoking with him, being completely wasted, just another pawn in the life of Chuck Bass. All of it was her own fault, or more so then anything else it was his fault. The only bit that didn't cross his mind was that there was one innocent victim in the madness surrounding Chuck and Vanessa's rendezvous. The baby had also been subjected to the stress, chemicals, and drugs that came from that error. That was only something that stuck out sourly in Vanessa's mind and made her worry still. Even if it was pushed as far back in her mind as it could be there was still a chance that everything could have had some type of effect.

His lips still traveled her neck and lips as his hand slipped into his pocket while he had her contained from protesting and complaining. He knew as long as she couldn't talk she couldn't tell him no. it was only once he'd opened the jewelry case and slipped the item out of it that he eased up his kisses and looked at her.

"I have something for you, something that you can't complain about you just have to take. It means a lot to me ok? Just don't complain."

As she opened her mouth to protest he kissed her again slipping his hands around her neck to clip the clasp shut. Pulling back once the pendent was hanging from her neck he loomed over her as she looked down and shook her head. He half expected her to take it off and yell at him for trying to give her something she wasn't worth. But she didn't protest, she just looked at the purl and diamond combination and sighed a short sigh before pulling him back down to her by the neck.

"Ok, this isn't comfortable."

Vanessa mumbled pushing him away from her as he obliged and sat up enough for her to sit up too. She was after his lips again only seconds after as she stood up and pulled him by the collar of his shirt to follow her into his bedroom. He wasn't about to hesitate as he lifted his shirt and pulled his shirt off leaving it in the doorway between the living room and bedroom. She didn't complain as her mouth attacked his fiercely before pushing him down on the bed. Now this was a side of her that he'd missed in its absence.

Sitting on top of his lower half now he slipped his hands under her shirt and began to pull it off of her till something caught her eye and she stopped their kiss to reach for it. he should have known it wasn't going to be anything good. As soon as he noticed what was in her hands he put a hand on his face. She wasn't going to be very happy with him, that he knew for sure. He watched her eyes scan the document that had been addressed to him to begin with.

"Nate? What are you? No!"

Her words were jumbled together about as badly as her mind was from what he could tell. He reached to take the acceptance letter out of her hands and she held onto it tighter the anger coming to her face as she shook her head at him.

"How could you seriously not tell be about this? Nate, You've wanted USC forever! Do you honestly think that I'm going to let this just pass you by like it's not a big deal? I mean damn it Nate, You can't do this. Don't you dare say it's because I'm pregnant. That just even further proves what a mistake this is. I don't want it to be this way for you Nate. It's not fair to you."

Laying there with his eyes shut he refused to look at her. If he did he knew he'd see the disappointment in her eyes as she talked. Because she knew him better than anyone else, she knew that sure, if things had been different he would have jumped on the opportunity. Things weren't different and he needed to stay in the city. They were having a baby, there was no way Nate could have just run out on her. He wasn't going to do that to her, not to them. That wasn't the type of person Nate was. Besides he couldn't think of an actual reason why he would want to. They were the only ones he wanted, she was the only one he wanted.

"Vanessa don't do this. Please? Can we get back to this?"

He attempted to persuade as he tried to pull her back down but she resisted him. Well arguments were truly a buzz kill when it came to what they'd been doing prior to. Why he'd even taken the letter out to begin with was beyond him. Sure, part of him wished everything were normal again. That he was looking more forward to starting college then he really was. His nerves toured December blocked most of his thoughts regarding anything else. Fears he knew she shared but he'd vowed to keep to himself rather than stressing her out more.

"The very first day we met you gushed about what getting into USC would mean to you when you did it. I can't be the one that holds you from that, I refuse to be. I can handle this on my own, just go, go for a semester and see if you like it. Going doesn't mean you're running out on us it means you're doing something for yourself for once."

Shaking his head he wasn't about to back down and they both knew it as she slid off of him and stood up on the side of the bed looking at him and waiting for him to change his stubborn mind on the matters at hand. He wasn't about to give into her. He gave into her about everything else, this wasn't one of those things.

"It's not important anymore V, damn it, just stop it."

He raised his voice a little bit and she completely stopped and stared at him for a minute wordlessly, Nate knew she wasn't going to be very happy. But, they had enough on their hands to worry about. Why was she so worried about him, wasn't it enough that he was trying to do the right thing?

"I'm not doing this tonight; I'm going to sleep at Chuck's. Will that make you feel better?"


"Heard you slept at Chuck Bass's last night"

They were standing outside of the brownstone that had been Nate's childhood home as Maureen struck up a conversation Vanessa had been trying to avoid. She'd slept on the floor even after Chuck had offered to share his bed. She wasn't about to push her fight with Nate any further then it had already gone. Though it wouldn't really have mattered any, she was the one that was mad at him after all. He's lied to her and made decisions regarding the rest of his life off of a mistake that she could have very well taken care of without his help. She'd made it pretty damn clear from the beginning that she didn't want what was going on to in any way, shape, or form decide his life for him. If this wasn't deciding his life for him she didn't know what was. From day one she'd know what he wanted most in his future and that was to go to USC. He'd been accepted and he was just going to throw it all away for her? That was just as far as unacceptable as unacceptable got. Over her dead body would she have been the one that took away his dreams from him. She loved him far too much for that. She could handle being pregnant alone, she could do with raising the baby alone while he went to college. If things were truly meant to be then everything would be alright in the end.

"Your cousin is stubborn and stupid. He has so much potential and he just wants to throw it all away for absolutely nothing. From the moment I met him Maureen he's had one goal in mind, he's wanted USC more than anything else. That's everything he's wanted from day one, to do that and achieve that on his own. Now that he's done it he's going to pretend it's not a big deal. I can't see him do that Maureen, I can't be the one that comes in between everything he's wanted baby or no baby I'm not going to be like everyone else in his life. I refuse to be that person. He's got far too much going for him to have one more person be a weight around his neck to drag him down with. One of these days he's going to wake up if I let him throw this opportunity away and he's going to resent me for it. I can handle him resenting me but I don't want that for this baby. If you look around up here that's what all of these people have grown up around, wasted dreams. Why the hell would I want that for this one?"

She shook her head as Maureen opened the door to the brownstone and Vanessa walked in without questioning it. She was too high up on her own horse to think about what they were doing and why. Not that she would have known anyway. Maureen had called to invite her to lunch, nothing had mentioned Nate's old house. She was too busy ranting and raving to contemplate a second of what they were actually doing.

"All I know is that he slept on my couch and talked in his sleep. He loves you Vanessa. he's just trying to do what he thinks is best for you and the baby. He's afraid to be the type that leaves and never comes back. he had close to a deadbeat himself, why would he want to cause that himself? She means just as much to him as you mean to him."

Maureen shrugged as Vanessa stopped on the stairwell and looked at her shaking her head. Everyone kept doing that and it was starting to drive Vanessa a little bit crazy. She had her own thoughts and opinions regarding the little thing that used her as an indoor amusement park.

"It's not like California is on the other side of the world, it's the other side of the US! And, why does everyone keep insisting the baby's a girl? And why are we in Anne's house?"

Looking at Maureen in question Vanessa watched as she took something out of her bag. On the little blue envelope she could clearly make out her name in an idyllic script across the front of it. Vanessa looked at Maureen confused for a moment as she took it from her hand and looked it over.

"I say baby girl because that's exactly what Tripp and I would have wanted. Someone I could dress up and play with. As for this letter, I was given this at the reading of Anne's will yesterday. Don't shoot the messenger I'm only doing what I was asked to do."

Vanessa nodded her head and contemplated not opening it up, did she really want to hear anymore thoughts on how much of a mistake she was making by keep the baby? She got it from every angle why did she need it from a dead person too? But under Maureen's gaze she felt curious, she wasn't sure she could actually resist it. pulling open the envelope she sighed for a second as Maureen finally smiled and nodded her head walking out of the room and leaving her to read it with her own thoughts.

Vanessa,

I haven't been fair to you, not from day one and I know that. I can also tell you now exactly why that is Vanessa. You're the one that makes my son smile, the actual smile that had at one point only been a smile for his mother. A smile that I hadn't seen in ages before you came along. It's a truly scary thing when you learn that there's someone else in the world that means so much to the little boy who's life you were once the center of. I guess I've been raised to be selfish in that way. Like so many of us who were raised and grown up on the East Side we've never truly learned how to share the spot light or what it's like to truly be in love. My mother was a prime example of that. She married for the money and fell in love with a man after. Here, it's not love that you're taught to search for. It's money that over shines envy of happiness.

I told Howie for years that by being with Blair he'd be satisfied and I could handle that. He and Blair have been friends for a very long time. She has enough money that they and their someday children would have been very comfortable and Howie agreed. He too saw the sense that money took in those roles. What neither of us had accounted for was for Nate to find someone he'd actually fall in love with. I guess in a way I've always been jealous watching the pair of you because, with a little secret that I'd rather you not tell my son because with regards to what I've done I'm not sure he can think much less of me, the Captain and I have never been really truly head over heels in love. To see your son having something that you've never had yourself is a little bit difficult.

Then after you two separated Nate fell back into the way he'd been. A cloudy haze of marijuana seemed to follow his every move as he attended more and more things with Blair. He was once again comfortable but the smile never touched his eyes. Then I saw it. First at my cousin Tripp's wedding, I don't believe you noticed what you were doing but I did. Every time you looked at he and Blair together you looked down at your hand which was firmly planted on your stomach. I have to admit, I didn't think anything of it until Jane found a container of birth control under Nate's bed. I had sources that told me it didn't belong to Blair. It was the funeral that most confirmed it for me. It was the way you looked, the way you touched, the way you almost regretfully smiled downward. The shame was written all across your face yet you didn't let it touch you and you tried not to let the feelings crush you.

The way that I acted in the bathroom was inexcusable, but, you never told Nate about that. Even after our little run in in his bedroom you still didn't tell him about that either. If you had I'm sure I would have known. Because if I know anything about my son I know that when Nate is passionate about something he never lets it go. Due to that fact he visits his sister's grave at least once a week, mostly in the middle of the night. He would have hated me for demanding you destroy his child. Because to my son you're as far from just a silly game as silly games get, this baby is blessed. Because he or she has a set of parents who might be young, and might have no clue what they're doing when it comes to raising a child, but it has a set of parents who love each other and want what's best for one another more than anything else in life. Regardless if it's being together or not.

The trial separation he'd insisted upon was to protect you from the Vanderbilt's. He may love his cousin unconditionally but he's seen what Tripp has put Maureen through. It wasn't ever because he loved Blair more then you, he may not have noticed it but I did. It was because he knew if Blair was sucked into their black hole then she'd of been just fine. You on the other hand have more integrity and intelligence then that. You'd of never stood of a second of it. That is also why I know that some day when he slips that Vanderbilt heirloom onto your finger it'll be the first time in decades that's it's worn in love rather than just in title and honor.

You're truly one of a kind Vanessa believe me, it's a big relief to know that I don't have to worry about my son now that I'm gone. Since if you're reading this I'm sure of that one. I'm saddened in a way that I'll never get to meet my granddaughter or grandson, and I'm sure that the only stories he or she will be told will be of how much of a mistake and horrible woman I was. I'm sure that if I had been to stay around it would only have caused problems. This way I know that it's one last obstacle in the way for the both of you. Just, take care of him for me Vanessa. Take care of yourself and that baby also. Because, what you learn to really see in the end is just how much family and your children mean to you.

The key that I've enclosed opens a room that hasn't been unlocked in fourteen years or so. You're more than welcome to anything inside of it, if you want it of course. A lot of it holds a sentimental value and I'm not sure how Nate will feel exactly about any of it. I'd rather not hurt him anymore to bring it up to him directly. So just take a look around and if there is anything that you want please take it. It would mean a lot to me. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused and thank you for being the one to make my son happy and break the chain so many have fallen into. You'll be a fine mother Vanessa. Even as scary as that sounds now it takes patients and love and I know you have that in you.

-Anne

Vanessa looked at the letter and at the key now in the palm of her hand in shock, the women that she was so completely sure hated her really did have a heart. It was just tragic to know it after she was gone from her son's life. It didn't seem fair on Anne's part. She took a second to herself just reading over the words again as Maureen came back into the room quietly behind her.

"So, Tripp and I were talking, he said that he always loved being so close to Nate but he'd always wished that they were closer in age. I don't know, we were thinking that maybe it would be a good thing for all of us if Tripp and I got pregnant too. The kids would of only been a few months apart."

Raising her head to look at Maureen Vanessa turned up a half smile, at least Maureen and Tripp would have been more ready for it all if it happened. They were married (not that that mattered for much), they had a house, a completely stable relationship to take care of a child in. their child wouldn't be the scandal of the family, that title would still go to her own.

"It wasn't good news though, apparently there's too much scarring for that. Hey, there are still options like surrogacy and adoption right?"

Maureen's smile as she said the words were tense and Vanessa could see that what Maureen was saying affected her more then she wanted it to be known. It once again made her feel like she had everything she shouldn't have and didn't deserve.


Jen – Uncle Chuck is a very very scary thought in my eyes. I mean come on, he's chuck. Hmm, a little girl he'd teach to play poker regardless of what her parents said about it then he'd be the first one to freak out when she fell and scrapped her knees. The next day the entire driveway would be turned into turf. Vanessa is worried about Scott, I mean, he's still Rufus's child. besides, I think they opened her eyes up to something…

Francesca – and I'd have to agree with… well I can't tell you that now can I?

Poor V, she's running out of place to go now, not like she can sit at the loft anymore. Jenny's a little to stubborn. It's just a good thing the girl isn't afraid of the headbands. I can see them as very very vicious.

Christinamarie712 – Jenny's not happy, as you can tell by the fact that V went to Chuck's rather then to the loft as she normally would have. Vanessa's travels was just to clear her head. And maybe put other options in her mind. Grandfather, well don't worry. He's coming soon.

rocklesson86 – Thank you! I hope you continue reading (: thanks for the review, it keeps me writing.

Pagan-Angel13 – N and V needed some time to process and I still don't think they've had enough. As hard as time apart is they need it more then anything else. There's a lot going on right now, a lot that neither one of them intended on dealing with.

Scott's parents were also to convey something else that I'm not sure anyone really picked up on. Vanessa has a lot to think about, this chapter presented her even more to consider and take in. she's got some decisions to make regardless if Nate likes them or not. She needs to do what's best for all three of them.

I love Chuck, more so lately than ever before. Hope you liked CV here, and remember his actions there were totally drug induced. Chuck Bass is meeting the parents, that's something I would pay to see.

I have to admit that I'm not the biggest fan of Jenny so I really didn't much care how she found out. She wasn't happy and of course she was going to act spiteful regarding it. she still is.

She didn't want to take anything from Anne's death, the last thing she'd wanted to do was for everyone to find out like that but she knew she needed to be there for Nate. Even if they're fighting she knows she loves him, even if she won't say it to him.

Thank you :D now if only I could remember how to do this with Dan and Serena perhaps my other story won't be on a permanent hiatus.

V's coming to decisions that you can't see just yet, that she's not even sure she can see just yet, she's both sure of herself and completely unsure of herself. She's still got a long road yet.

Hope this chapter was as good as the others!

Izzy – Nate was severely sleep deprived, two days straight with no sleep he's destine to say things he shouldn't say and doesn't mean.

There was another meaning to the things that Scott's parents said beside them talking about Scott. ;)

The damn cat was evil! Lol but I'm glad it's still in your mind because it's still got a pretty big role to play. Oh kitty, if only it had a name. lol

Poor V, more decisions and lies, when will she ever win?

ALEX! – does that mean they get better then the last every time? Besides this one of course, It doesn't feel all that great to me. Only bits and pieces of it.

Nate's gotta stop trying to take care of her or she's just really going to flip completely one day. He's driving her crazy with the fact that he refuses to do anything for himself. She needs things to be as close to normal as they can be. And she's going to keep fighting with him on it. especially now that she knows he has chances that he's passing up on just for her. That doesn't cut it.

Chuck is a pain in the neck and he wants the things that Nate wants not that he'll ever admit it, he'll just live it all through Nate. Hmmm, it's going to be a very interesting Christmas. With all things in account of course. Chuck likes watching out for Vanessa, not that he'll say it, and as you can see in this chapter there's a lot more then just that for Chuck, he cares, he really does. Uncle Chuck is still a scary thought. I'm not going to lie.

Yea, I'd want parents to be upset and mad, I mean HELLO! That's not what any parent wants for their child. it's a good thing Vanessa has Rufus, she needs to get it from somewhere and she's surly going to get it from him. She looks up to him. Heehee, had to take that spin with Ruby. I like how the show did it, why not make her even more completely off the wall then she is in the books?

We see the loft so much you kind of start to wonder if V lives on the street or in the gallery :P the first place N always thinks to look for V is at D's because usually that's where she is. :D can you tell that I don't like Jenny at all. Of course! Jenny was probably the one to send the blast, she's beyond unhappy and pissed off about NV and the baby. And I have to be honest, after the dance wasn't one of my favorite NV moments. O.o oddly enough. Oh! And I think I just came up with a new theory on something… I think I have to go re watch some scenes and think about something.

The thing wish S's parents were more about the thing that you figured out today then anything else. It wasn't truly about S at all. She just went there because she felt like it was the right thing to do. Loveeddd CV for that. it was what she needed to feel like she was in a way getting back at them. If only they'd continued onto that more so then they had.

:D have to admit I thought of B/L too after I was done with it that was back when I shipped them! I'm really not crazy about rain scenes to be honest. I think because of the notebook which is a movie that I more then hate! Lol go ahead call me crazy like everyone else does, there's just something about the movie that I don't lie.

I hope that CV went with what you wanted on your requests list. NV have one more and last sweet scene coming up for a while. As mucha s I hate to say it. also! There's something more to the necklace he slipped around her neck. I'm not sure if anyone will really pick it up of course!