Manda's Note: wow I suck. I saw one thing and then I don't do it for weeks and weeks. Anyone want to disown me? I won't blame you if you do. Sorry, I've had family issues again this past few weeks. nothing seems to get better you know? anyways enough of that. anyone anxious for next monday. I start classes on wednesday and guess what! another history class with the same professor! which means I have nothing but time to write. ok so now I'm going to shut up and let you all read. you know what to do when your done. they help me get done faster with chapters and believe me when I say theres more drama coming up that i'm looking forward to sharing!. anyways back to watching the DVD's and writing.

oh! just a side note the middle of this chapter is due to my best friend in the world. she's the reason it exists, the idea is all hers


"Dan, can you hand me another pillow? I can't sit up by myself again."

Vanessa winced just thinking about it, the effort to do something so simple. When Dan pulled her up to slip a third pillow in back of her head she nearly bit a hole through her lip, the pain was excruciating. She felt her hand shake in pain as she reached beside the bed and picked up a water bottle as he carried to her the pill bottle from his desk. Much as Vanessa hated taking anything she had to, the unbearable pressure made it all worse. Slipping four ibuprofen from the bottle to her hand she swallowed all four without thinking about it. She could have cared less what type of pain meds they were, all she knew was that she needed them. Anything that would make the physical pain stop. Part of her wished she were still at the hospital where they could have just sedated her to put her back to sleep. The hospital wasn't somewhere she could have stayed any longer without going nuts. Patients had never been one of Vanessa's strong suits.

"You just went through major surgery less than seven hours ago. Why the hell would you sign yourself out? Much less, why would you climb though the window of the loft? Seriously Vanessa? What are you thinking? You're lucky I sleep with my phone on."

All she could do was glare at him. Reminding her of the stupid things she'd done already in the morning wasn't something she felt like dealing with. Pulling herself through the window took all the strength she hadn't had and still left her with a few pulled staples. She could feel the blood soaking and seeping through the bandage over her incision only to stain her favorite pair of Nate's grey sweatpants she had on. Going through all of the agonizing and emotional distress that was both physical and mental Vanessa didn't want to think anymore. She'd spent less than four hours awake in the hospital bed trying to figure out where exactly she'd gone wrong. What she'd done to turn everything into such a complete mess.

Sneaking into the loft had been her best bet of no one finding her, besides the fact of course that she had to throw herself through a fire escape window. Since Rufus had moved with Dan and Jenny into the Van der Woodsen place there wasn't anyone for her to bump into. It wasn't like Vanessa herself was all that ready to face the real world just yet. Much less was she ready to deal with Jenny's glares or Rufus's parenting. She just knew that she couldn't stay there, at the loft alone alone. She'd called him four times before he'd finally picked up. She'd called him to come and babysit her. Moving wasn't something Vanessa was accomplishing very well on her own. The warnings had been placed in front of her but as always, she didn't care.

"I can't just lay in a bed in a white room Dan. Not after everything that's happened. You know me better then that I have too much to get done."

Her mind thought back to the dirty blonde sound asleep in the recliner in the hospital room, he too had gone through his own mental hell in. Chuck had brought him a sleeping pill sometime in the middle of the night that had knocked him out well past the point of consciousness. She'd tried a feeble attempt to wake him before harassing a doctor to the point where she'd just walked out sans any type of discharge papers. She couldn't find it in her to stay there any longer. Vanessa hadn't noticed at that point that it was just the slight morphine drip that kept her from the agony of being partly torn open and stapled shut. She'd learned that soon after she'd taken the IV out of her arm. Somehow it still hadn't stopped her. It surprised her all too much that Dan wasn't sitting there taunting her about being a masochist of her own pain. She was fairly certain that she wouldn't have been able to disagree with him on that point this time.

"Want to talk about it?"

He sat down on the edge of his old bed pulling her legs up over his lap as he started to lie back only to stop abruptly when he noticed Vanessa's knuckles almost white as she gripped the sheet under her. He'd forgotten the no sudden movements rule. That alone proved she was still her typical self, always trying to hide the things that hurt her. She'd always been the same way. There were few times that Vanessa had actually come to tears in front of him, he made close not of the fact that the past few had been over her relationship with Nate going up in smoke.

"Really think I want to?"

Dan lay back on the pillow more carefully this time causing Vanessa only to clench up briefly at the feeling of things pulling and tightening inside of her.

"Anyways, I need you to run to the dorms sometime today. I have a paper for my midterm due tomorrow and I have few things left to finish on it. I'd go myself but I'm sure Blair will alert them soon as I step in the room. If I'm going to go and take the two exams that I have tomorrow I can't deal with them today."

Anything to get her mind off of what had happened Halloween night, Dan knew her game. She knew what she was doing, her attempts to make her mind think of anything else, Dan knew it just as well as she did. She knew he'd have a problem with it, a problem of her burying herself in things rather than facing what was going on. It was that moment she thought that maybe she shouldn't have called him. Going all the way home to Vermont might not have been such a bad idea. The thought had crossed her mind, but, it had only stayed till she felt the pain. Making it all the way to Vermont wasn't an option with the way she felt. Vanessa could hardly handle walking a few feet, the loft had been her limit of agony. It was all still better than being stuck in the hospital bed.

"Vanessa, you don't honestly think you can go to class tomorrow?

Putting her arms up over her face she didn't want to get in the argument she'd seen coming. She didn't want to listen to him telling her that she needed to stop moving so fast. In Vanessa opinion she needed to move fast. She needed to block everything out that had caused her so much pain. The last thing Vanessa really wanted to do was to slack off on her classes, the one thing that had provided some bit of semblance in her life.

"Yes Dan, and you can't argue with me on this one. I have to take the midterms or else I fail the semester. You of all people can agree that I've screwed up enough this year. I don't need to put anything else on my mess of a record. Besides, if I lose my financial aid I'm screwed."

Dan rolled his eyes at her and shook his head as he carefully slipped her legs off of him and stood up. There was no talking to her when her mind was made up. Nothing was going to change her mind on what she'd set. Even if she was dealing with more than enough stress she just had to add it all on.

Glancing back at her for a second he shook his head. Her eyes were shut as she lay on the bed, her hand over the space that had not too long ago been occupied. Dan bit his lip keeping his words in before he could say anything that would make her anymore angry then she was. Whether it be at him or at herself, Dan wasn't sure. All Dan knew was that there wasn't any reaching her or helping her out of her problems. All Dan could do was nod his head and shut his mouth, keeping his advice to himself. She didn't need his input and he knew as long as he stood in the same room as her he'd open it up and say something he shouldn't have. She didn't have anywhere else to go if she felt pushed away from him too. As her best friend he needed to protect her.

"I'm going to go see if there's anything to eat. Just call me if you need anything."

Shutting the door to his once bedroom behind him he lingered with his back to it for a second. Life seemed so much simpler and controlled a year ago. A year ago when he was the one that was able to pick up Vanessa's pieces and put her back together with a package of skittles and a bottle of Jones Soda. That was a very different time in the both of their lives.

In mid step to the kitchen the rapid tapping on the door made him turn his head he couldn't think of anyone that it could be. No one used the loft anymore, it sat there gathering dust. The thought made him stop and zone out from the fact that there was someone knocking at the door. No one had been at the loft, which was weird to think about and…

"Humphrey open up this damn door! I know she's in there."

The sound of Chuck Bass's voice first thing in the morning was something he should have been used to. he should have yet, this time it made him jump. No one wanted to deal with an angry Chuck Bass first thing in the morning.

"Don't know what you're talking about Bass"

He called through the door opening up the fridge and starting to grab the orange juice the last thing he'd expected was for the door to open without warning. Chuck Bass stood in the doorway of the loft with a very un amused look on his face. of course that wasn't a surprise, it was hardly seven on a Sunday. Normal people didn't get up quite so early.

"Save it Humphrey"

Seeing him without a cup of gin in his first thing in the morning wasn't a normal thing for Dan. it seemed like every time Chuck got up and walked into the new Van der Humphrey dining room the pretentious one had a sneer on his face and a glass in his hand.

" Oh! Um…Vanessa? Last time I checked she was at the hospital recovering from being surgically… opened last night. Which you know never should have happened in the first place…"

Dan could see that Chuck Bass was less then amused with his pour attempt at a cover up. What else was he to do though? Vanessa was in enough pain, dealing with Bass would only make it worse. He couldn't put his best friend through anymore, even if she was the one that had gotten herself into the mess in the first place. It wasn't like Vanessa had asked for anything that had been put in front of her, she'd been stupid, yes, she'd caused her own fate. None the less she was still his Vanessa, his best friend that suddenly needed him to step in and protect her. Giving her up to Chuck would have only pushed her away when she really didn't need to be all alone. Dan wasn't going to be the one to let that happen. Really, it wasn't his or Chuck's place to really step in and decide what the next steps that needed to take place were.

'Humphrey, I don't have all day. Just tell her to get her ass out here. She's still supposed to be in the hospital before something happens to her."

Chuck tapped his foot on the linoleum floor underneath his foot and Dan yawned. They'd all had a bad night of sleep. That was the only time Dan could say something the same regarding the two of them. It didn't matter how bad of a night they'd all had. He still wasn't about to give up Vanessa. Maybe after she'd slept a few hours she'd be reasonable for him to talk her into going back to the hospital to at least have someone attempt to convince her to have the staples re shut. Moments went by without either one of them saying anything. Dan could see Chuck growing more and more impatient as the moments ticked by.

"I'm not here to play cops and robbers Dan. we both know she's not ready to be out of the hospital. Vanessa never should have checked herself out."

Of course it was something that Dan could easily agree with. She shouldn't have been out of the hospital already. He'd tried to reason with her, tried to convince her to go back. She was unreachable when it came to the things she stood on.

"We both know Vanessa, as much as I hate to say that. She's stubborn as they come. She only listens to herself, she's always been that way. Besides, if she was here, which she isn't,, why would I tell you? Of all people why would I tell you? She's stressed out enough, she needs rest. Think of what she's been put through Chuck, can't even you understand that?"

Leaning back against the doorframe Dan wasn't about to let Chuck pass into the hallway of the loft. He had no reason to be looking after Vanessa, Vanessa looked after herself. Dan was just there to play guard.

"DAN!"

Her aggravated yell came from his bedroom making both Chuck and Dan look one another in the eyes for a moment, a teasing smirk overtaking Chuck's face. he was clearly amused at the fact Vanessa had truly blown Dan's cover up. Someone needed to give a lesson or two to the two from Brooklyn. They clearly had hardly an experience.

"She still not here Humphrey?"

Dan bit his lip to not make anything sound more nasty then everything was already coming out. He was sick of them all, sick of the way everyone in the Upper East Side walked around like they'd owned everything. He'd missed it when they'd first graduated. But soon as Rufus and Lily had decided to combined the households everything from high school had come rushing back as if it hadn't ever gone away for more than a few days. It had only gotten worse with the fact that he was living under the same roof as Chuck Bass.

"Don't say I didn't try to help you."

Whispering out and turning to Vanessa as she started to come out of his room he didn't bother to look at her for a moment as he turned back to look at Chuck who was still impatiently tapping his foot on the floor waiting for Vanessa to come out of his room and show her face in the kitchen. Dan was ready for the fight that would soon ensue.

"I need clothes from Jenny… now."

Dan's eyes were on Chuck, he watched as Chuck raised his eyebrows for a second before scrunching his nose. Curious to see what the sudden look on Chuck's face was for Dan turned to look at his best friend. Her face was in a deep set glare that he found nothing different about till his eyes traveled her, the orange tank she'd had on under the hoodie was chuck's problem. The top half of her tank was soaked enough to turn a darker color then what it would have been if it were dry.

They both watched as Vanessa crossed her arms over her chest and Dan could have sworn there was an angle of discomfort in the way she did it. He couldn't really blame her he guessed, it couldn't have been very comfortable. Nothing Vanessa went through anymore was comfortable. Though in Dan's mind this all was the end of it, she could move on and go back to what her life had been before the two thousand and nine messes. He could have his old best friend back.

"I can't wait till I have control of my body again."

Catching her low mumble he watched as she shifted and tried somewhat to turn away from the two boys in front of her. He'd never seen Vanessa shy away from things. Dan could still remember her covered in Ruby's puke after coming home at three in three in the morning and Vanessa made her she was taken care of and tucked in before going to take a shower. The girl that just didn't give a damn what anyone thought about her? He never expected her to change any. If anyone would have fallen into the traps of the East Side Dan would have easily bet it would have been himself. Trying to follow the blonde who had for a piece in time been all that he'd thought about.

"You! Why the hell are you here anyway? Does it mean nothing that all I want to do right now is get away from you people?"

With the words out of her mouth she turned away from both of the boys and headed back to where she'd come from in Dan's bedroom slower than her usual pace. The pain she was in since the meds still had yet to kick in made it hard for her to do anything.

"Vanessa you can't hide from what happened forever. He needs you."

Chuck called to her back his voice a strange gentle which was a surprise and something that wasn't anywhere near his usual asshole tone. Who would have thought anything would make Chuck soft, especially when it came to aiding the side of Vanessa Abrams. Maybe changes weren't always a bad thing. But, that was just a maybe.


The very first crisp white snow flurries of the season crashed down on the cement around him as Nate Archibald sat on the bank of the duck pond looking out into the water through hazy eyes as he threw pieces of bread and the squawks and complaints around him filled the air. Nothing was entering Nate's ears, he was completely into his thoughts rather than catching any part of his surroundings. So much had gone on in the past few hours his head wasn't any longer processing things. His wet eyes had already been mistaken for sadness by the people who had passed their apologies to him. That wasn't even close to why the drops had appeared in the corners of his sapphire blues. The only emotions and feelings that were splayed in Nate's mind was relief. He had another chance now. With the confusion and boundaries that had been passed in front of him the past few months gone he was free to go back to the way he was used to things being. Back to the things he was used to doing. Had it not been as long of a night as it had been Nate might have had a smirk cross his face. The effects of the sleeping pill Chuck had pressed into his palm in the early hours of the morning still weren't fully worn off yet. There was enough on his mind without all of the effects being gone.

He's spent the morning with relatives hugging him and telling him they were 'sorry for his loss' something he'd heard so much the past year he knew just to smile regretfully and nod his head. If anyone could be a pro at wakes and funerals it was exactly what Nate Archibald was becoming. As if he really wanted a reason to visit with his family. They weren't exactly the best people on the East Side and over. There seemed to be a new gossip scandal whenever the family gathered. Maybe that was why they'd long ago stopped inviting the entire family to reunions. Or maybe it was because with all the funerals they were together at least once a year. He couldn't have cared any less today, none of the relatives or festivities meant anything to him. Now, being at the pond and being able to think to himself was the only thing he wanted or needed. A break from the general public didn't sound so bad.

Sitting on the bank consumed by his own thoughts he didn't care if anyone was around or if he was completely alone. The only thing Nate could think of was what was going on around him, how different and changed things suddenly were. He never once heard the slippery clicks of her heels as she stepped onto the cement sidewalk and walked towards him. It wasn't till her hands were on his shoulders that he knew the touch. A touch he'd known since the galas they danced at, at the age of three and a half.

"I thought I'd find you here"

Her voice was gentler then he's heard it in months, her touch more soothing as he never bothered to turn and face her. He didn't have to; she'd know the look on his face without trying. They hadn't spent years together for nothing. They had learned a little bit here and there. Just because they didn't have the lasting bond he had loved her more than anyone else for a few moments in time. Seeing here there now reminded him of the day his and Vanessa's relationship went down the drain. The day he'd offered Blair his jacket and gotten sucked back into the life he'd never wanted to be a part of for more than the money and stableness. Just like he and Blair talked about then, she liked having a plan, he also had to admit then that the fact of falling so head over heels in love for anyone wasn't a sought out plan. He'd only been looking for a plan back then. Now, the plan was crushed and ruined because from day to day Nate Archibald didn't know what was going to happen next. The only person who seemed to live so to day to day was Serena, and Serena still found it scary. What else was he supposed to think of it all, scared out of his mind didn't even begin to start the way he felt.

"Nate…"

Her coaxing voice didn't break his thoughts. His half wonder of what life would have been like if things had been different for the past year. He couldn't be sitting on the bank of the duck pond worried, confused, scared out of his mind rather than being in class in Cali sleeping with random girls and soaking up the sun. Part of him wondered what that life would have been like. the carefree life that he'd always had on the outside. When it really came down to it though Nate was pretty sure that it wouldn't have been the life that he would have wanted. It would have been a life without her. Something he was already trying to prepare himself for with little amounts of luck. He knew that now that things had taken place and everything had gone on there was nothing to tie him to her, no reason for her to continue their runs of here and there. No reason for them ever to be the solid that he silently wanted, all the things that he'd always been afraid to say out loud and knew she was more afraid of.

"Come on Nate, you can't shut yourself off from everyone."

It was the sentence out of her mouth that made him turn his head and finally look at her. his blue eyes so full of grief and worry that she'd never seen. Not even the day she'd sat beside him and clutched his hand in all fakeness as they were carried in the limo to his father's funeral. Not the day that they laid his mother to rest. There was so much more to this now, so much more then she'd never seen before. Part of Blair felt scared herself, this was all a part of growing up. Something that the façade of herself told everyone she was ready for.

"I'm not"

He said in a low dulled voice as she took her hands off of his shoulders and took a step back for him to get up. It might have been a low moment for him but Blair Waldorf wasn't about to sit on the ground in a perfectly brand new coat. Much as she felt herself vulnerable also she wasn't about to go that far with it all too. He stood up and she faced him, a smile not on either of their faces as she reached out and put her hand on the side of his face, prickly from no time to shave. She brushed his cheek as he cast his eyes down at the ground to nerved up to look straight at her. He'd end up admitting defeat if he did that. defeat in the fact that when Blair warned him Vanessa would be trouble he hadn't listened. Only, he knew they thought that of Vanessa for two completely different reasons.

"Chuck's at the…"

She began to say and Nate just nodded his head. He knew. Chuck texted him every ten minutes with updates. It was strange, Chuck Bass being worried and compassionate. Two things Nate hadn't ever seen of his best friend unless his precious scarf was missing. Nate could still remember the day that had happened. Age fifteen and the maid had been fired not minutes after then damn thing had been found of course.

"He went to find her Nate…"

Looking up then he finally met Blair's eyes and there was no sneer there. Something that right off the top confused him. They were talking about Vanessa and she seemed like she held no hostile hate for the moment. had things been in better spirits Nate might have asked her if she needed her temp taken. There was no room for joking though. Things were far too serious as Nate looked and listened making no attempt to make any comments. His own tries and calls to find her had resulted in nothing but head shakes and hang-ups.

"She's alright Chuck says, torn up but alright. You know in Chuck terms that probably means she's a mess. She's too much for a stubborn… she needs you Nate."

A smile started to cut his lips but quickly faded at the end of Blair's middle sentence. She'd almost gone back to the cutting and snappy ways she normally was to Vanessa. but the seriousness was back in a matter of seconds as the truth fell from Blair's lips. It was true. Things weren't going to get any better unless they worked through them together. He avoided her gaze again and looked up at the slowly falling snow flakes. He and Blair always seemed to have a thing for slight snowfalls.

"She's not my favorite person and we both know that but Nate, she needs to stop being so stubborn because she's not the only one hurting here. Chuck and I, and Serena… we can all try to make you feel better but it's not going to work. It's not us that can save you this time. With anything else it would be, with anything else I'd tell you that you need to grow up and get over it already. Open a new plan. But not this, none of us knows what you're going though. And Tripp and Maureen aren't going to help with anything. They don't understand either. You need her. You know how much I hate saying that."

There was another term of silence on both accounts as they both avoided looking at one another. in just the past few months things had changed more than they had for each in what seemed like they had in their entire lifetimes. There was hardly anything that could be said to make things different or better anymore. it was just all what it was and nothing more.

"I've tried Blair. I've tried and she won't let me in."

This was Nate breaking now, breaking from all the pressure of everything that had built its self up around him. They both knew Vanessa was stubborn as they came, stubborn enough to compete with Blair for the title. Blair had nothing left to say and there weren't any other words that Nate could come up with. They just stood silently again looking at one another.

"I know we've had some hard times lately but Nate, you know that regardless what's going on I'm here. I'm always here and I always will be. Even if she's not exactly my choice for you I suppose I can deal with her just for you. But I love you Nate, You know I always will."

Without anything else exchanged he reached out and pulled his once girlfriend but always close friend into a tight hug putting his head down on her shoulder. For a moment she was what he needed. A reminder that as much as things change there are someways that everything will always stay the same all together. Just because things had taken place that we're permanent for the rest of his life it didn't mean that they still wouldn't have one another. he'd still always have the past to fall back on. The friends that would always be there for his lifetime. If only that was all Nate needed anymore, then things would have been all set. Now, there was so much more than that. Things that he'd never be able to replace. They both knew things had changed but at the same time a small part of everything would forever be the same. You can change things but you can't re write what's already there.


His eyes weren't yet open as his hand reached onto the table beside his desk and felt along it for his cell phone. Though it wasn't on silent he half hoped it had gone off and he'd just slept through it. Even if he did know it was wishful thinking he clicked the sides of it anyway only to revile that it was two AM and he had no missed alerts. The only good news was that he'd gotten over an hour and a half of sleep without waking up. Something that he hadn't thought would be possible for the night. Not when he had so much on his mind and so much to worry about. His mind was so consumed as he laid back that he hardly made note that there was someone else in his bed. It wasn't till he stretched out and his hand came in contact with her soft sink. For a moment Nate panicked thinking that maybe he didn't remember exactly how he'd spent the night. He'd been so exhausted from the day. As his eyes adjusted though he could finally make out her figure, asleep on her side, left had resting on her slowly un swelling stomach.

A hand went out to touch her, to make sure she was real. Fingertips brushed her arm and she slowly rolled over onto her back, eyes still tightly shut. He felt himself partly freeze. If he woke her up she'd freak out and run, that wouldn't have made his night of sleep any easier. Knowing that she'd signed herself out of the hospital way before the doctors had agreed that she was ready was enough to make him worry. Lying on his side, head propped up with his hand he watched her sleep carefully laying a hand on the top of her arm. Things had changed so much in the past few months that Nate was sure his mind had lost half the coherence to tolerate confusion. Not that that had really been much to work with in the beginning. Everything that had taken place had just made it worse.

He ran his finger down the length of her arm while his eyes finally adjusted to the dark light of the room. She might have been asleep but she looked completely spent. He could tell by the way one arm was pinned in back of her head and the other crossed tightly over her stomach. The way she'd slept for the past few months, the way she no longer had any reason to sleep. Just the sight of her sleeping made him relax. Anything that meant she wasn't still in hiding for only god knew what reason. She was safe and finally asleep for a while.

Eyes continued to look at her as he noticed a color difference on her white tee shirt. The dark of the crimson color was even visible in the slight moonlight that shown through the shut shades. That was more than enough to make him worry more than he had been before, to worry with good reason. Feeling overprotective he reached out and put his fingertips on her tee-shirt only for her to jump out of her skin in reaction. The reaction made him back off right away as her eyes blinked open in pain right away.

"You're bleeding"

With a look that said 'thank you captain obvious' she narrowed it to a glare reaching to the side of her and turning on the light next to her side of the bed. She said nothing but the look on her face told him to shut up and not open his mouth. Instead he just watched her as she lifted her shirt and pushed down her sweatpants just enough for him to see her incision, the swollen red area in her stomach that half made him cringe and feel sick. Nate hadn't ever been good with things like that. But he noticed the two snapped staples that had happened sometime in the day. His gaze met hers for a moment as he reached out his hand to touch her, with hesitance on both of their accounts at first he lingered above her stomach for a moment before putting his hand down carefully.

"I'm fine"

She whispered out groggy from sleep. Her eyes still threatening to shut again to catch a few missed hours, he watched her every blink with his hand still resting on her. It had been months since he'd really gotten to touch her in anyway. Even if she wasn't any longer carrying their child he still felt the need to. His hand lingered for a moment more before he pulled it back to his side and laid just looking at her wordlessly. Moments passed with nothing but complete silence with the two of them just looking and reveling in the moment.

They lay in the bed completely silent just looking at one another for a few moments. No words were needed, looks were enough to convey the nerves and the hesitance that was being felt by both the people in the bed. He could see the exhaustion and frustration in herself reflected in her blue eyes and he was sure he could see it too in his. He couldn't keep himself from stopping as he reached his hand out and pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

"How bad is the pain?"

For her to have winced earlier at even the softest of his touches had to have meant that the pain was the worst she'd ever been in. after hearing the other people in the waiting room talk about procedures and pain the selfish part of Nate was relieved that it wasn't him that had to be put through it. Vanessa was the tougher of the two of them. Well, she liked to act like she was the tougher of the two of them. Her tough act had a rough crack in it that he could tell was getting deeper and deeper as the hours passed by. Her eyes closed as his hand stayed station on the side of her face, his thumb rubbing a circle on her cheek bone.

"I took a Percocet from the Humphrey's medicine cabinet. Rufus had them left over from throwing out his back a few years ago. It works but only for so long. It's all just tense pain, I can deal with it though. It'll go away soon."

One of his hands made its way down her side to gently rest on her hip right next to where her stapled up incision was. he felt her nerve up for a moment before relaxing back at his touch. She knew he wasn't going to hurt her this time, not that he'd even meant to the first time.

"How'd you pull them?"

Now that she was more clam then she'd been before Nate felt a little less afraid to talk to her. He knew that she wasn't exactly in any sort of quick movement state of mind. She seemed a little bit more calm then she'd been when she'd first woken up beside him. That alone told Nate that even if things were in turmoil it seemed everything was still in its own sort of way alright. His fingers touched places over the white tee shirt over her staples. Staples over where their son had been over twenty-four hours earlier, something that seemed stranger to even think about.

"Climbing through the window of the loft, I just couldn't stay at the hospital anymore. I didn't… I didn't want to be around anyone."

Nodding his head it was genuine. He should have known she would have run, though, running was usually his way out of things. He moved his hand from her tee shirt back to the side of her face. With her laying there in front of him all he wanted to do was to touch. Just to touch her to know that she was really there laying beside him and it wasn't just another dream his mind was playing on him. If he couldn't have both of what he wanted he'd at least settled for one thing.

"How was the wake?"

She asked as she reached back to the side of her and shut off the light next to the bed, putting them both back into the darkness of the night. He let the silence fill them for a moment. Grandfather's wake had been in his own ways nice. With Tripp whispering beside him that Grandfather never got a chance to cut him off from his estate before the stroke Nate now knew that he'd be all set with money without having to panic. Not that any of that even mattered to him anymore. the money wasn't exactly important. It just helped with things.

"Long, dramatic, I don't know I didn't really care. I was more worried about leaving Chuck at the hospital to watch him without something going wrong."

Chuck Bass? Her eyes widened, Chuck had actually pulled the role of adult and stayed in the tense situation that with what Dan had told her had to have been hard for him. The thought of it all changed her perspective on things more than it had changed in the past months.

"But, what about him?"

He watched the tint in her eyes change to sudden regret as she looked everywhere but at him. Nate knew that if Vanessa could have suddenly rolled on her other side to get away from him she would have. It was one point where her pain might have saved him from her stubbornness. His own eyes looked at her waiting for her to look back at him. For once he had every bit of patients for as long as she wanted to take. It wasn't like there could possibly be a simple answer for the things she'd done. They both had conflicting feelings regarding everything.

"We're not supposed to be the ones there Nate. Do you really think it's going to do any good for you and I to be there. To hold him, to become attached to him, we need to let it go Nate. He belongs to them."

Biting the inside of his lip he knew he should have been good. She didn't need any more problems then what she already had to deal with. With the case of what they were talking about he couldn't restrain himself. How could he? Cael was their son. It didn't matter if Maureen and Tripp would be the ones raising him, they were the ones that we're responsible for him existing in the first place. Nate hadn't sat staring into a plastic incubator for nothing. he wasn't the one running away from overwhelming situations, he was banging into it head first. If someone it would have been that way a year ago he would have shaken his head and said never. A year ago he was following raging hormones that wanted to deflower a virgin that just happened to be Vanessa's best friend. The though made him shake his head. How could he have done that to her? after all he'd put her through. Maybe it had just been him angry with her for giving up on him, angry at her for trying to save him from the disasters he'd become.

"He's still your son Vanessa. Don't runaway just because you think he's just one more person you think you're going to lose. Don't try to say that's not what's wrong. Because, that's exactly the reason you push everyone away. I love you V, that's what you're afraid of. Because he's going to too. Cael and I aren't Ruby or your parents, we're not Jenny or Dan. I've disappointed you; I know I've done that. He needs you Vanessa."

The water was filling her eyes made him feel a rock in his throat. He hadn't meant to throw it all at her, he'd just felt like she needed to know what was going on and how he felt. He moved his body closer to her and was shocked when she didn't falter to move from him. Vanessa stayed perfectly still and let him wrap his arms around her pulling her closer to his chest. He felt every tense muscle in her body as he pulled her close and felt her completely let go on his shoulder. All of the pain and trouble she'd been in lately, everything came out in her own set of quiet tears and there was still part of him that told him she was just getting it all out of her system. In the morning she'd go back to shutting herself off from the world and she wouldn't let herself once think of Cael. But for the night he got to hold her as she let go of the buildup she'd had bottled up inside for more then to long already.

"It's ok V, hey, it's ok. It's not like you're supposed to know what to do right now. I don't know what to do. We have to take it one day at a time ok? And you need to stop running away from everything. Because that's the only way we're all going to come out of this whole thing ok."

Nate whispered in her ear as she cried. He felt like in one day he'd grown up more than he had in eighteen years. With the circumstances around them he didn't have much of a choice. He had her to take care of. Her and their son for as long as they could take care of Cael before he was released to Maureen and Tripp, he'd hold onto that all for as long as he could.

"You need to see him Vanessa. Just look at him, I think you at least owe him and yourself that one"

Stroking her hair as her tears continued to fall he couldn't stop, he couldn't move. All he'd wanted all day was here now that he had her he couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Something he knew was missing, their son. No matter what ways she tried to dance behind it and hide her pain he knew she felt it too felt the bond that was pulling at them both so deep to be back in the hospital doors looking at the tiny preemie fighting to stay alive. The little boy lying asleep without his parents, without anyone. God forbid Maureen and Tripp missed their beauty sleep. Nate wouldn't tell her that one though.

"He's got my eyes V, but, the shape of his eyes, his nose, his mouth… that's all part of you. In every bit of him you can see you in him. Just do it for yourself Vanessa. just go see him."


Izzy - Vanessa has to break down sometimes, she's been through way to much not to. but again, of course she hates crying so breakdowns don't happen as much as they should have.

NO! not being over them! Izzy! That makes me sad. I'll work hard to keep the over-them-ness away! lol

See evil kitty! Scott did her a favor on that one, that's about the only good thing he'll EVER do.

I love my Cael :X lol

Jen – If he wasn't confused he wouldn't be Nate. Nate's confused on a good day. What shall we do with him. I hated ending the chapter like that but I guess it had to be done. And I'm glad things aren't always what they seem to be. Aren't you. Just wait, uncle Chuck comes next chapter ;)

Layla Persnickety - As If I would hold Chuck back from his corrupting. He needs something to do when he's bored. Poor kid is doomed isn't he?

Secret Reader – :D sorry I didn't post sooner! Hope this cliffless chapter was good.

Zenith16 – I couldn't do that to them, I've spent 'to much time with Cael' to hurt him in any way. Lol

ALEX – I owe you a long message on FF but I wanted to get this chapter out before I said anything. :D so that's what I'm doing now. Oh! I got the book! It looks pretty on my book shelf. Lol anywayss, you know there's never any rush to reviewing, I wait for your reviews. They make me happy. But you know all of this anyways.

I can't stand secret life but I see what you mean (and as I write this my best friend is watching the ep of Jenny/Nate and I'm gagging so bare with me) anyways. Nate's realized something he wasn't sure he would. He doesn't know if he can be back to life like it was before. I love Natie, he's a sweetheart. Now he just needs Vanessa to see the same thing. She doesn't want to admit anything… ughh stubborn!

Dan and Vanessa had had the plan, besides, he blames Nate to much already. If something had happened to Vanessa Dan might have killed him. Which in its self might have been amusing. Nate wasn't going to insist anything. it's all about making V happy. Even if she's asleep and can't make a single decision for herself.

I knew you'd hate Maureen and I have to say I'm starting not to like her very much either. But V has to look at it and decide for herself that maybe the course of action that she's taking isn't exactly the right one to take. She's stubborn. She needs to look at the whole thing rather then one piece of it counter acting with her own life. Maureen's just worried about her own life, she's afraid of change and she's not really ready to be a parent, she doesn't know how to be just yet. Maybe she'll fit into it. maybe not.

:D nope, its not a college thing for me. It just comes natural. Lmao, that didn't sound conceited or anything. I loveee the tape thing. I think I read it over and over. I don't even know where I got it from. completely random but it worked. Yess the V that should be seen more. She's hit the peak now of being tough. From here she can only go down now. it's all ways to much now isn't it?

Chuck is chuck… he always gets better. And from here watch, he's just going to get even better. You'll see.

Now, how could I kill my precious Cael? I'd be completely lost after that. I wouldn't have anything to write.

well here is major CD in this chapter just for youuu :DD

Sending you a message soon as I post this!