Chapter 20

Grieving Silence


Ever since I was granted the gift of long days and sleepless nights I had prayed for sleep, begged the powers that be to give me empty thoughts and an endless black. To just grant me an escape, but now I lay alone in the darkness of my room raw, exposed and naked as unforgiving sobs wracked my body and rivers of tears made their way down the cheeks on my partially blank face. Shaking back and forth I repeated over and over in a heartbroken chant, "Please forgive me."

Instead of the great darkness of sleep, I'm haunted by my own demons and extreme nightmares of myself doing everything unthinkable. The perpetrators of the horrifying images that were placed in my head were replaced by me, but that's not what kills me. Contorted screams followed by the stomach churning sound of what is assumed to be gurgling laughter as if some one had their throat slit and were attempting amusement while blood filled their vocal chords and blurred visions of myself smeared with blood. Sometimes the sounds are accompanied by flashes of the wild eyed maniac withering on the ground as his detached limps lie beside him. It forced me to face that maybe I really am the monster that is buried inside.

Momentarily I stared at the Lithium prescription surrounded by other various other new medications across the room on my desk. Sitting up all of a sudden I wiped my eyes harshly, irritating my skin and snatched the bottle as I quickly dressed, throwing on some old pants and a baggy shirt before throwing a glance at the clock and grabbing the keys off my nightstand. It was around four in the morning and I was on complete overload with the feeling of dread and repulsion of myself, making my head swirl and flipping my insides. When I entered the old van which had somehow been retrieved during my stay in the hospital, my mind was absent from where I was and I didn't have any clue of where I was going I just needed to leave and release myself before I imploded. I've had everything ripped quite violently from me my life, my family, and now my mind is collapsing.

As I began driving down the road at a snails pace, I reached into the center console and retrieve a silver zippo and an almost empty pack of Kools. Placing a cig into my mouth I lit it successfully with a shaking, uncoordinated hand and inhaled until my blackened lungs were going to burst. Relaxing slightly, I gripped the stearing wheel as my dead head was left blank and made a right turn onto a familliar street. Not knowing what possessed me, or if I was on autopilot, I had found myself at Warren's house.

My van was parked a house down on the curb as I just stared at the darkened window of the second floor which belong to him. Looking down at the passenger seat where I had thrown the prescription I grabbed it and stared at the label before opening it up and swallowing two dryly. Turning off the car, my wobbly legs moved me to the side of his house right below his window. Placing a hand on the wall I attempted to crawl up the side and succeeded much to my surprise as I made it up to the side of his window. Placing my hand beneath the metal sill, I pushed as hard as I could assuming it was open. Pop! It was.

Waiting a second, I listened for movement only to hear a groan and him move in his bed, then I proceeded to push it open all the way until I was able to crawl in. As soon as I was standing I turned to see him directly in front of me peering out through the dim lit room with those once intense fire filled orbs that had now been replaced with tired, worn eyes. I don't know how long we stood staring at each other, but I was rendered speechless and he understood me completely. My legs felt as if I were a fish swimming through water effortlessly as I took two large steps towards him almost filling the distance. There were mere inches between us as he stared intently at me with a blank face as if I were supposed to speak first.

But I knew I didn't have to. Again, there were the dreaded drops forming in my eyes that soon turning into obvious tears puddling out across my face and my legs couldn't handle the weight of my body as if I were suddenly made of lead. Falling to my knees, I sat in front of him in the most unguarded way I ever have. Warren had never really seen me cry, let alone break down. He was always the rock, the boulder, my shield. Now I was the most defenseless he'd ever seen me. It was unknown to me how he'd handle it, but instead of using words he just bent down and picked me up and lay me down on his bed.

After removing my shoes he pulled the covers on me and crawled in, wrapping his arms around me as I rested my face against his chest and gripped the side of his shirt with one hand. After all the years of me holding him when he was in need, it was my turn.