There was no instant clenching in his gut, so Dean had hope that it really would be different than last time.
The first thing he noticed, other than his lack of intestinal discomfort, was that the mountain was covered in snow. With icy winds whipping around them, It took only a moment for Dean's clothing to be not nearly e-freaking-nough to keep him warm. "Shit!" He wrapped his arms around himself, looking around desperately for the nonexistent cover.
"My apologies." Castiel placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, right over where the mark would be.
Dean sighed in relief as his body was flooded with heat, his jaw and muscles slowly relaxed from their sudden clench. Slowly, Dean surveyed the area. The view was fantastic; he could see they were above the clouds. For a moment, he wondered if this was what the view would be like from heaven. Pretty though it was, there was absolutely nothing around them. Certainly there was no mythical dog/bird.
"Now what do we do?"
"I am not certain. In the legends, the simurgh came in response to the orphan Zal's cries."
Dean looked over his shoulder to see Cas giving him a significant look. "Surely you can't be serious. Tell me you are kidding Cas." No way was he making like an infant. His tears were precious and few and shed in private. Mostly.
The angel appeared unmoved. "You technically fit the requirement." He paused. "… and don't call me Shirley."
Dean buried his face in his hands. Someone, and he suspected it was Sam, had been corrupting his angel under his very nose! Now Dean did feel like crying.
"Don't worry about that Castiel- Cas. Dean. I do hate to see grown men cry." Her voice was warm and rich. It was comforting in a way that he hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. The alternate world the djin sent him to didn't count- underneath he'd known it was wrong. Dean looked over and saw her. Mother. The essence of every mother in the world.
He'd thought that to meet a being on scale with power and age as God would be terrifying at least. To judge by the yardstick of angels, it seems like he should be keeling over in fright. But there was nothing threatening about her at all. (Which should have been terrifying all on its own.)
Warm, the perfect size and shape to envelop you in a tight hug. Her face was worn with satisfaction and happiness but still timeless. She could have been any age from her twenties to her fifties, Dean couldn't pinpoint it. She smelled like baked cookies and dish soap. He almost didn't notice the weight of the small bird when it landed on his shoulder.
"Woah." There was nothing else to say. This was a goddess. And not the twisted 'have you for Christmas dinner' type he and Sammy fought. This was a Goddess wholly in her element. And so close. Dean brushed the small bird off of his shoulder, but gave up when it only landed on his head. All he wanted was to be held in her arms. All he wanted was to be told it would be ok.
"Dean." Cas's gruff voice shocked him to awareness. He realized he'd actually been moving closer to the Goddess- out of Cas's protective heat bubble. But it seemed the simurgh had taken care of that.
"Have a seat, boys." She gestured to the dining table set that they now stood in front of. They were in the center of a large, well used kitchen in some house that hadn't been there a moment ago. "Though I think I know why you are here, why don't you tell me?" She didn't sit herself, but turned to the counter, hands busily doing something Dean couldn't see.
Not knowing what else to do, Dean slid onto one of the chairs. Even though he was a fully grown man, and not below average height- no matter how it looked when compared to his sasquatch brother, his feet still didn't touch the floor. He swung his leg, toes barely brushing the tile.
Glancing over, Dean saw Castiel's confused expression and realized the angel was having a similar experience. Though it all seemed completely harmless, Cas also seemed completely wigged out. It looked like it was up to him. "We're just trying to find God, Ma'am."
"Hmm." She came back to the table, two plates in her hands. On top of each plate was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich sliced diagonally cut, crusts removed.
Before he could say anything two tall glasses of milk were placed next to the plates and the simurgh sat across from them, chin resting on in her hand.
The kitchen was very quiet, and soon Dean realized he could hear Cas's quick breathing. When he glanced over he saw his friend looking just as panicked as he'd been when surrounded by boobies in the brothel. All it took was a P&J sandwich and milk.
"Now Dean," She looked between them, a small smile on her face. "Cas is here to find God. You and I both know you don't believe in God."
Taking a long drink of milk, Dean washed down is first bite of sandwich. He had the feeling table manners mattered here, and he wasn't about to talk with his mouth full. No way he wanted to test if she's wash his mouth out with soap or whatever the punishment for that sort of thing was. By her sudden amused expression, Dean got the feeling she knew just how he felt.
From the corner of his eye, Dean could see Cas looking a bit like a kicked puppy. Again with the puppy face. "No, I'm not convinced there is a God. Too much evil in the world, bad things happening to good people, boy bands…" He could go one and on. "But Cas here believes in the big guy. He wants to find his Father." Dean shrugged. "And it wouldn't hurt to have a heavy hitter on our side for once." End of argument.
"Oh Dean," The simurgh took a sip from a cup that hadn't been there a blink ago. "You are a sweetheart."
That was not the response he'd expected. Not a response he'd ever gotten before, really. Dean exchanged confused looks with Cas and shrugged.
"You're willing to come all this way on what you consider a wild goose chase just so Cas didn't have to come by himself!" The goddess looked pleased. "Eat your sandwiches."
Not quite sure of how to respond, Dean again took a bite. Best damn P&J ever. He subtly elbowed the angel to his right and gave him a significant look.
Judging by the chuckle from across the table, he was not that subtle. But it did the trick and Castiel slowly picked up the sandwich and took a bite. Dean found himself watching fascinated as the angel chewed his first bite of the sandwich. And chewed and chewed and chewed.
"Dude, just swallow."
Castiel turned to Dean, his throat working, but his eyes going wide.
"Take a drink." Dean handed Cas his glass of milk, forgetting for a moment the angel had his own.
Two big gulps later (Castiel seemed to drink milk as quickly as he drank beer) the angel heaved a deep sigh and handed the half empty glass to Dean.
Curious, Dean searched Cas's face for some indication of how the angel liked his first experience with peanut butter, one of humanity's most beloved foods. "How was it?"
It took only a moment for Castiel to quantify the experience, "Sticky." He again picked up the sandwich. "But not unpleasant."
Dean chuckled and resumed eating his own sandwich. He looked up after a few bites and realized the simurgh was just watching them, like they were animals at a zoo.
He frowned, wondering the best way to tell off a Goddess, when he noticed her expression was not just one of fascination, but genuine interest and concern, it was more like he and Cas were characters in her favorite Soap Opera.
Slightly mollified, Dean went back to his sandwich. Cas was almost finished with his own, and if Dean didn't get there first he'd be out another meal. Good food sacrificed on the alter of business and the apocalypse. Terrible times.
It was then he felt a small thump on his head. The bird from before was back, and now that it moved from Dean's head to his shoulder he could see it looked particularly hopeful.
"He won't leave you alone until you feed him. Of course, once you feed him he won't leave you alone. You'll have a friend for life." She chuckled, "Quite a Catch-22. If you do feed him, avoid the peanut butter. He loves it, but he's getting a little heavy."
The small bird fluffed up its feathers and produced a chirp that sounded particularly affronted. Dean offered a piece of bread and took another bite for himself. The next time the simurgh took a sip form her cup, however, Dean snuck the little bird a piece of bread with peanut butter.
"Dean." Busted. Cas sounded more disapproving than usual.
The goddess just laughed. "He can't help it. He's just a soft touch for things with feathers and pouts."
Dean did his best to ignore whatever she was trying to intimate, thankful that Castiel would be unlikely to see any double meaning in that. Stupid all knowing goddesses. Dean tucked into the sandwich and it wasn't long before it was gone along with the milk. Damn that had been good. Dean looked over and it seemed he'd only just beaten Cas.
"I'll take those, boys." The simurgh took the plates and then the glasses and put them into the sink. Finally she turned back, her lips pressed together tightly. For the first time, she looked troubled and it did nothing for Dean's peace of mind.
"So now I'm going to give you good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" It was the universal question. Get the shit out of the way first and then enjoy the light at the end of the tunnel, or see the good first only to have it shit upon. The simurgh sat down again, her face once again patient and calm. Of course, none of this really affected her, did it? As God's freakin' pal she could just bug out if it really got too bad.
It was coming slowly, the whole earth mother thing had thrown him off, but Dean's usual distrust of authority figures was beginning to reassert itself. He felt his hands clench. She obviously knew what was up, and while God seemed to be MIA, what was her excuse? Dean squared his shoulders. He figured it best not to slouch when you prepare to chew out something divine.
"Well, you can start by-" He didn't even get to finish his wind up.
"Explaining my own lack of action in the heaven versus hell smack down currently threatening Earth and everything and everyone you love?" Her lips twitched. "Excuse me, you would have left the last bit off as too 'chick flick'. But it would have been implied."
Damn. She was right.
"I know I am." If she was offended, it didn't show. "Dean," She paused with a sigh, actually looking away from him. "I don't blame you for your resentment." She played a bit with the cup in her hand. "God… well, he can be a real dick."
He couldn't completely muffle his bark of laughter. The situation was made sweeter by Cas dropping his milk.
In an instant the glass was back on the table, milk cleaned up as if the spill had never happened. "I'm sorry, Cas, but it is the truth. God was a real prick way back when all this was set in motion. He was all about the absolutes and smiting and purging and damning. And I'm afraid," She met Dean's gaze again. "Your fate may have been sealed way back then."
What do you say to that? What can you say to that? His whole fucked up existence determined before he was even a glimmer in his grandfather's eye? "Isn't that a kick in the pants?"
"Just a bit." She cocked her head in away that reminded him a bit of Cas. "On the bright side, He got better."
"Whoop de freakin' doo!" This was not information he needed. Nothing in life pissed Dean off more than the possibility that his life was driven by more than his own bad decisions.
"Dean, please." Finally Cas said something. It wasn't much, but it was something. Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and looked over at the angel. Castiel was looking about as happy as Dean felt and that was saying something. They just needed to get this over with.
"Ok, lay it on us. The big guy was a major dick. Got this ball rolling. Then what?" Better to rip the bandage off all at once.
"Like I said, He got better. Stopped seeing things as so absolute. Tried a reboot and started preaching the peace, love, happiness, turn the other cheek stuff."
Dean could hear it coming. "But?"
The simurgh nodded, "But it was too late. Some things can't be undone. Even by God. Which, you'd think impossible, but the whole omnipotent/omniscient thing doesn't actually coexist very well. Anyway, it was a whole 'the dye is cast' situation, you know?"
No, Dean did not know, but Cas was nodding along, even if he didn't look too happy with what was being said.
"So, He figured out where things went wrong and now He's gone to fix it." She looked between the two of them with a sympathetic smile. "There it is. God has left the building, but He isn't gone. Just… busy."
"Well that's fantastic!" Dean shook his head. "He's too busy to give a crap about the shitstorm on earth?" The sandwich and milk turned to lead in his stomach. He was going to be sick in a goddess's kitchen.
"Peace Dean." Her voice crashed over him. It felt like standing too close to the speakers at a concert. It was all… tingly. "He knows. He cares!" For the first time, she really looked frustrated, tired. "He told me the plan. I thought it was crazy. Still do. But He did it."
"What did He do?" Cas leaned forward looking so earnest it was almost painful. "Please, we need to know."
The simurgh's expression softened. "I know you do. You feel so lost. So much is changing, and your asshole siblings aren't making things easier." She clasped her hands together and pressed them to her mouth, looking at Castiel silently. Finally she nodded, making a decision. "He asked me not to tell, but forget that." She smiled. "Dean Winchester, inspiration to break all the rules, right Cas?"
Looking between the two Dean felt a little bit left out for the moment, but maybe that was best. He needed to cool down and Cas needed to hear this. Probably.
Castiel didn't reply, but tilted his head just so. It was clearly agreement. Dean wasn't really sure how he felt about that.
"First, I guess, Cas you are just fine. Nothing you are going through now is forbidden, or whatever they told you."
Forbidden, now that sounded interesting. And ominous. Dean filed that away for later.
She went on. "You are not falling, and provided all goes to his plan, you will not burn. You've been cut of from heaven by the archangels, not God. Don't doubt yourself. You have faith in God; have faith that you are following his will."
Castiel seemed to sag, and Dean realized it was his angel relaxing. All this time he'd been sitting ramrod straight, but now he looked as if a great burden was off his shoulders. Dean kind of felt like a shit for not noticing it sooner.
"I can't tell you much more than that; I don't know exactly what his plans for you are, but do know that you were certainly remade by the creator himself. I'd know if it were otherwise." She paused and let that sink in a moment. "Jimmy is at peace. Continue on your current path, exercise that free will you're developing. You're doing pretty well."
Cas glanced over at Dean a moment, a miniscule smile on his face. "I've had a good teacher." Dean smiled back, it was funny if the angel though him to be anything but a bad influence.
A small laugh made them both look back at the simurgh. "Well, aren't you two cute as a basket full of puppies?"
Dean cleared his throat. Yeah that had probably been a bit weird. Back to business. "So, Cas is good. Which I knew all along, by the way. Only righteous guy among a bunch of dicks! Of course God likes him…"
"Your question, Dean?" The simurgh was smiling again in that odd way. Like she knew just how long Dean could go on. Then again, she probably did know.
"Right. So the bad news about the big man is…?" It was time for the other shoe to drop, and all warm and fuzzies aside, Dean was getting nervous.
"You aren't going to find Him." She stated simply and to Dean it felt like all the air had been sucked from the room.
"Wait? What? But-" It was what he'd feared, but hearing it from, well, an authority still sucked.
The kitchen was gone. Now they stood in the middle of some pet store. The area around them enclosed, and filled with doggy toys and other doggy equipment of all kinds. And puppies. Lots and lots of puppies. Far more than a basket full.
Castiel was already holding a small yellow Labrador, both looking at each other with equally confused expressions. The simurgh scooped up what looked like a Rottweiler puppy and deposited it in Dean's arms. "I know you've never had one, but you've always wanted a dog, right?"
Dean carefully held the small animal to his chest, scratching behind its ears. "Yeah…" He could see Cas carefully copying his actions with the Lab puppy in his own arms. Both angel and dog looking a little more comfortable with the situation as time went on. And looking adorable. Dean wondered if he'd have the chance to snap a few pictures before this portion of the trip was over. For blackmail material, of course.
"Well, you know how to keep a puppy alive- food, water, shelter. But how do you keep one happy?" The simurgh knelt and began to play tug of war with a rope and a chubby Saint Bernard.
"Well…" Dean really didn't know exactly. There were walks, and treats, and scratches. But it was all academic. He'd never actually spent much time with dogs. Except there was that one time in Florida… but the dog enjoyed that much more than Dean had. Or so he imagined.
"Exactly." She stood, bringing him back to the conversation. "You have a general idea, but no real first hand knowledge. You don't know in the way that someone who's had a dog knows." She paused. "You don't know in the way that a dog knows."
The puppy in his arms tired of scratches and wiggles to get down. Dean reluctantly set him back on the ground with his buddies. He looked over to Cas and saw the Lab was still in doggie bliss under the angel's careful fingers. Figures. "I still have no idea where this is going." He pulled out his phone and snapped a few pictures while Cas wasn't looking.
"Simply put, God made a beautiful world, and His ultimate creations- man. But He had no real understanding of what had been made. He tried to be a stern father, like He did with His first children." She nodded to the angel who was not paying them any attention at all. "But the humans chafed under the pressure. Free will, His greatest gift, did not lead them to the obedience He'd come to expect. Eve at a fruit… etc. etc."
Dean kind of saw a parallel, but as unsure if he should be insulted by the dog metaphor or not.
"Please. They are cute." Her expression dared him to disagree. "Anyway, that was obviously a bust.
Dean nodded along because yeah that whole garden thing did seem to be kind of a cock up.
The simurgh snickered. "So, this leads us to His plan, where He is and why you can't find Him. He's on Earth."
Blinking, Dean sat on a bone shaped couch. "What? Like Jesus 2.0?"
"Not quite." She sat next to him. "Incarnation didn't go so well the first time. So He did it a little differently, at least He planned to." She sighed and helped the Rottweiler back onto Dean's lap. Dean had to wonder if he'd need a puppy to get through the next part.
"He sent His essence. His power went out into the people. He bounces around randomly to different hosts, not exactly like vessels since He doesn't take control and they never know He is there. Usually."
Yes, he definitely needed a puppy. Dean looked over. Cas still seemed enthralled by the puppy, though now the angel was sitting on the floor playing tug of war. He wondered if they were going to be leaving with a furry stowaway. But no, Cas wouldn't ever risk a small animal like that. They had too much danger in their lives now. He could already imagine a demon demanding they 'throw down their weapons or the puppy gets it'.
"Usually?" He went back to the conversation, the simurgh seeming content to wait for his attention to return. This whole thing sounded ridiculous. The end is really nigh and God is busy playing Samuel Beckett in his own version of 'Quantum Leap'?
"You ever hear of grannies that lift cars off grandkids?" She leaned back with a sigh. "Low level miracles? That would be Him in the right host at the right time."
"Why?" The million dollar question. Dean could hear the building anger in his voice. Puppy or no. Damn it this was the apocalypse.
"I don't know."
He wanted to glare at her, but she sounded honestly sad. Honestly sympathetic. It was damn hard to be sitting here, so angry with no one and nothing to take it out on. Dean couldn't even clench his fists since he was currently holding a small animal. Maybe this puppy thing was more cruel than kind after all.
"I think it was to know you better. People. His creation that even He couldn't understand completely."
"That's bullshit." And selfish. And crazy.
"Hmm. The fact is I don't know where God is right now. I do know He isn't exactly God at the moment. He's Billy or Suzie or Great Aunt Gert." The simurgh touched Dean's shoulder. "And you need to forget about finding Him for now and concentrate on what you can do."
"What can I do? Angels and Demons are after my ass. Lucifer's in a vessel- at least it isn't Sammy yet. My friends and family are under constant threat. And as awesome as I am, I am just human!" It wasn't exactly a high level blow up, not like some of the ones he'd had with Sam or Bobby, but it ranked up there. He made an effort to calm himself when the puppy made a small frightened noise. He took a deep breath and made an effort to relax, stroking the puppy's head. "So we do what we've been doing this whole time?" It still sounded like a sick joke. She couldn't be suggesting that they-
"Cool your heels and try not to die?" It didn't sound any better when she said it than it had in his head. "It sucks, but yeah. God isn't showing Himself until He is good and ready."
And what more was there to say? Dean looked up only to find Cas already watching him. They hadn't failed, but this sure as hell didn't feel like a win either. He wished that there was something he could do, do something he could say to make this seem less like failure. He had nothing.
Cas looked away first, back to the puppy. Dean again wondered if this location had been picked for more than just the puppy analogy. Not even he felt right throwing a fit when surrounded by puppies. Devious.
"Perhaps. Ok, more than keeping your heads down, if I were you, I'd get my hot little hands on the colt." The simurgh stood, brushing dog hair from her pant legs. Dean realized she didn't have to do it; it was a visual cue that this interview would soon be over. Heh. Interview With a Goddess. Nahh probably wouldn't go over as well as with a Vampire. Dean shook his head. Not the time.
"The colt has been lost to us." This time it was Cas making moves to leave. Though he seemed much more reluctant about putting the puppy down.
"Yeah, well it will give you something to focus on. Bella isn't around to work the Ouija, but others are. Follow omens, use Google Earth! It may be moving, but they can't keep it completely quiet. And hey, when it is in transit is when it is most vulnerable." She grinned. "I learned that from Burn Notice!"
"Huh?" Dean hadn't been up on his TV trivia since he'd been four.
She shook her head, her face a bit sad, "You get the colt. You know that is how it's got to go down unless you want Michael to go where the sun don't shine."
Ewww bad mental image.
The simurgh laughed at his shudder. "Seriously, what kid bull's-eyes all his targets on their first attempt?" She didn't even wait for his answer. "None. None but you. So you know in your bones that is how this is going to go down. You take care of getting the colt, and don't hesitate next time, ok?" The simurgh slowly walked forward, one hand on Cas's shoulder, and one hand on Dean's unbranded shoulder. "This seems like too much, and it is. But where any other man would fail, I have faith you will triumph." She seemed to be looking into his soul, like Cas had once so long ago. "You are not alone. Your allies are why you will win. Have faith in those closest to you. All of them. They will not betray you."
She turned to Castiel, the same look of searching on her face. "Don't be so frightened. You know He works in mysterious ways. Everything is as it should be." She paused. "Well, not exactly."
Cas gasped and stumbled, Dean grabbed his arm to keep the angel from falling. Even through the layers of clothes Cas insisted on wearing, Dean could feel incredible heat radiate off the angel.
"There now. I've taken off the boot Zachariah attached to Castiel's powers and added my own little deterrent if he should try again." She winked at Dean, "Now you can't say I didn't raise a little mojo to help. I really would do more, but I had no part in this creation, and my continued survival here rests on my noninterference."
Cas still seemed unsteady on his feet, so Dean didn't let go even as the simurgh continued. He also wasn't going to argue that she was probably technically interfering right now.
"One re-energized angel, one possible plan of action one end game scenario… not bad for an old chick." The hold on his shoulder tightened comfortingly. "I wish I could produce Him for you, but I can do nothing while He is dormant. The best I could do is telling you where He was when His powers faired. But it would just be like following a pinball ricocheting all over the world if you tried to find Him like that."
"I get it." And he finally did. Not that he wasn't disappointed, he really was. But looking at Cas, he saw the angel had been more than recharged in mojo. He's had a recharge of faith. He had testimony that while not exactly here, his Father was not dead. And that was more proof than Dean had back when he had to keep searching for his own father. So even if this trip hadn't been a jackpot exactly, it wasn't a bust.
"I feel like I should say something." Dean really did. Because this moment, a group huddle with a goddess and an angel on the top of a mountain, seemed like a Moment.
"Don't hurt yourself. How about 'thanks'?" She knew what he meant. It seemed she wasn't one for that sort of thing either.
"Yeah, ok. Thanks." Dean looked over at Cas, but he seemed more than a little choked up and in awe.
"You are welcome Cas and Dean Winchester."
And they were back. No not back. At Bobby's. Dean's grip on Castiel's arm tightened just as Cas reached out to grab onto his arm. There hadn't even been the usual zapping sensation. "So angel air is like coach, and goddess air is like first class."
Castiel didn't respond, just stared at him unblinking.
"You ok, Cas?" Maybe the goddess has done something more to Cas than unlock his powers. So help him, if she'd broken his angel-
"No Dean. I am well." The angel looked down at his vessel. Not vessel anymore. It was just the angel in there now. "I had just… forgotten how it feels to have access to my full powers."
Because of Dean. Of all the bad things he'd done legally morally… that an angel had been punished, lessened, because of him would probably stand out as one of those things he was most ashamed of. That in another life he'd led to Cas's complete destruction, not death because that would have been easier to handle than a drug addled sex addict, made him physically ill if he thought about it.
That it could ever happen in this life- despite everything he'd done differently would continue to do differently was becoming his worst nightmare. Worse than the memories of hell.
He was pulled from his guilt when a hand rested on his shoulder. Cas's hand rested on his shoulder, only a few thin layers of cotton keeping the angel's hand from the mark it had made.
"It was not your fault." Castiel took a step into Dean's space, invading it in a way no one else ever had. "I don't regret any of it. Even if I were still weakened, I would not regret my decisions."
"I-"
"Are you two going to come inside, or is your tea party not finished yet?" Bobby's interruption caused Dean to nearly jump out of his skin. Cas only turned his head to face the window Bobby now waved from.
"Coming, Bobby!" It took a moment, but Cas dropped his hand and Dean took a step back from the angel. With luck they'd never continue this conversation. Dean took a step toward the house before he realized Cas was not following him. Pivoting, he could tell the angel was on the verge of a zap. "Oh no- you're coming with me."
"What? Why?" Castiel actually looked puzzled.
"Part of the adventure is explaining what happened to the people who didn't get to go. In a way they will believe." Dean grimaced. "I need you there for verification."
"Dean, I hardly think-"
"You don't get to go on the fun part and then skip out on the work. That's just not how it goes." He crossed his arms. No way was he going to do this alone. Cas was a part of the team whether he liked it or not.
"Very well.
**************
Feedback would be awesome!
