AN: Sorry it's been so long since the last update! School and lack of inspiration and all the usual excuses... anyway, here it is.


"I don't like this idea, Nanao-chan."

"That's just because nobody ends up naked or drunk within the first three minutes of my idea."

"Well, there's that, but the part I'm really worried about is the part where I get beat up bad enough to spend a week at Fourth with Jyuu and Retsu together at my bedside."

"Are you saying you're not willing to endure a little fleeting discomfort in exchange for the lifelong happiness of your best friend?"

"...Wow, Nanao-chan. I had no idea how positively devious you are."

"I learned from the best, Captain."

"I'd say that was the nicest thing you've said to me all day," Shunsui pouted, "but it's in regards to me getting intentionally injured for your little plan, so I don't think it counts."

Nanao leaned back from her desk with an indifferent shrug. "My plan has a higher success rate than any of yours. So, if you're actually serious about this, we'll do it my way. If not, which I suspect is the case, I'm going to have to ask you to get started on the paperwork I need you to sign."

Shunsui fixed Nanao with an intent gaze, and she felt suddenly uncomfortable.

"Oh gods... you really are serious about this, sir," she exclaimed softly. "You would actually inflict injury upon yourself for the sake of setting up two people who have had several centuries together without deciding to date?"

"I really am serious, Nanao." His baritone voice was slow and measured, and he tilted his hat down in the way Nanao recognized as his "serious business" look.

"Do you know the reason those two never got together in all those centuries? At least in Jyuu's case, it's not as simple as realizing he liked Retsu's company. Jyuu's known that for ages... not that you need to tell him I said so. But he's carried a torch for her since before we became captains, and he's never done a damn thing about it because of his illness. Doesn't want to burden her, or whatever. It's all very noble, but anyone who bothered to look could see that Retsu's lonely. She's so much older than her subordinates that she doesn't make a lot of new friends, so she's stuck with me and Jyuu. And she has stuck by us, but Jyuu more so. Every time he has a bad spell, she treats him herself, even if she has to pass on her other duties, or stay up for days at a time until he's in the clear. The origami koi are a recent development, but she's always done special little things like that for him when he's ill."

Nanao smiled sadly at her captain's quiet honesty, but quirked a questioning eyebrow when he suddenly pouted dramatically. "Though, whenever I'm in the 4th," he added, "she just has Isane slap a pain-relieving kidou on me and calls you in to take me back to the Eighth before I disrupt her other patients."

Nanao stared at him for a moment, considering, and his expression once again turned serious. "I had no idea," she murmured quietly.

"I'm sure that's Jyuu's intention," Shunsui replied. "So you can see that I'm serious..."

"But captain!"

"...listen, Nanao-chan. I'm not going to traipse around scattering hollow bait behind me until a Menos decides to take a swipe at me. But Jyuu and Retsu both know how much damage I can do to myself and my surroundings when I'm really bad off and within shunpo range of a bar. We just have to come up with a way to convince them I'm in danger of drinking myself into an early grave."

Nanao knew well enough what he was talking about, having seen it happen twice when she was much younger. "We can't exactly sacrifice one of our patrol squads to a hollow ambush or set your lieutenant up to be hollowfied," she muttered.

Shunsui stood from his perch on the arm of the sofa and came to stand silently over Nanao at her desk. After a few moments, Nanao's determined gaze slipped, and she looked away from him, fidgeting with her glasses nervously. She started to stutter an apology, but Shunsui gently turned her face back toward him and she jumped instead.

"You certainly know what makes me tick, don't you?"


Nanao shuffled toward Ninth Division headquarters grudgingly. The plan had seemed to make so much sense when Kyouraku had explained it, but she had been allowing him to hold her face in his palm when he did so, so she supposed her powers of logic must have been entirely suspended at the time. Right now, the very idea seemed patently absurd.

That's my captain, she mused peevishly, getting me to think and do completely ridiculous things though he's hardly ever given me an order in my life.

Sighing, she yanked on the heavy door of the main offices of Ninth, and headed past the captain's office to the communications division. If she knew Hisagi at all, that was where she'd find him. She gave a short, crisp knock at the door before entering, and was grateful to see that Hisagi was by himself, feet kicked up at the desk and perusing an article that was probably meant for the next issue of the Seireitei Communication.

"Lieutenant Ise," Shuuhei greeted cheerfully, swinging his feet to the floor with a thud. "Got another moderation piece for me?"

"I have a favor to ask of you, actually."

"Shoot," Hisagi replied good naturedly. "After all you've helped out with the Communication, I owe you one."

"I'd like you to go on a date with me," Nanao requested cautiously.

"Huh. Sounds more like a proposition than a favor."

"Not a real date!" Nanao quickly explained. "Obviously. It's just, I need an excuse for my captain to get blind drunk."

"He usually doesn't need an excuse," Hisagi retorted, amusement in his voice, "and as I recall, you usually try not to encourage him."

"Well, more drunk than usual, except he's not actually going to get drunk, it's for part of a... a prank of sorts."

Hisagi grinned deviously, setting the scars over his eye at a rakish angle. "I want in," he declared.

Nanao bit her lip anxiously. "Well, it's... complicated. It's really more of a set-up than a prank, and it's two captains so it probably shouldn't become general news, and..."

"I definitely want in," he repeated.

"Lieutenant Hisagi -"

Shuuhei interrupted her. "First, it's Shuuhei, especially if we're supposed to be going on a date. Second, I'm happy have you on my arm for an evening, especially if Kyouraku's financing his little project, but you want my help, I wanna know what I'm getting into."

Nanao blushed lightly. Most of her interactions with Hisagi had been in the professional context of getting the newsletter published on time, and having tuned out most of Matsumoto's stories about their nights out, she hadn't realized how much the inked lieutenant had in common with her own captain.

"Alright," she conceded, "but you can't tell Matsumoto. As much as I love Rangiku, she'll have it around Seireitei before lunch."

Shuuhei nodded, and Nanao explained the plan to him. When she concluded, he crossed his arms behind his head and looked at Nanao.

"If you want this to work, you're gonna need Matsumoto."


Nanao decided she was going to take it easy on Kyouraku the next time he fidgeted or slept his way through a captains' meeting. At first, Nanao wouldn't have said she was excited about the plan. In fact, skeptical had been closer to the mark. But now that they had set it in action and other people were involved, Nanao just wanted to make sure everything went off without a hitch.

Yamamoto finally dismissed them, and it was all Nanao could do to keep from running toward the door. Matsumoto was less restrained, and captured Nanao in a sidewise hug before they even made it out of the First Division building. Captain Hitsugaya growled something inaudible, but as the meeting took place at the end of the work day, he couldn't reprimand the boisterous woman. Captain Kuchiki strode past indifferently, while Kenpachi lumbered by. His elbow bumped Matsumoto, nearly toppling both women over. Kyouraku and Ukitake stopped nearby as Nanao struggled to free herself.

"Rangiku-san! What are you doing?"

Matsumoto giggled. "What are you doing, Nanao-chan, this evening in particular? I heard you have a date!"

Kyouraku and Ukitake stopped talking.

"Where did you hear something like that?" Nanao grumbled peevishly.

"From the lucky guy! Hisagi-kun was so excited that you said yes, he just couldn't keep it to himself."

"Well if I'd have known he would tell everyone, I might not have said yes."

"He didn't tell me," Shunsui remarked darkly from behind them.

Matsumoto let Nanao go and looked sheepishly at the pink-adorned man as he stepped into their little circle. "Heh... oops!" She replied with a meek shrug.

"Nanao-chan," Shunsui continued, "if you wanted to go out for a drink, I'd have been more than happy to take you."

Nanao looked at her feet. While Matsumoto and Kyouraku might think she was trying not to laugh at their little interlude, she was mostly trying to hide her blush at hearing the serious tone of Shunsui's offer.

"Well, sir, I..." she stammered.

"Well, sir, she's coming with me!" Rangiku announced. "I'm going to get her out of that uniform and into something more date-worthy, and don't worry, if Hisagi-kun isn't a perfect gentleman, I'll clean his clock myself!" Shunsui looked as if he might do it himself right then and there.

Hisagi heard his name and turned from where he had been talking with Renji and Kira, looking mildly concerned.

"You sure know how to pick 'em," Renji drawled. "She comes home crying, Matsumoto's gonna kick yer ass. She comes home smiling, Kyouraku's gonna kick yer ass."

Kira shrugged. "Ise-san always seemed really nice, though. Maybe it'll be worth it."

"Thanks, guys," Hisagi muttered sarcastically. He led the guys out of the building, shooting Nanao a wink as he went. Even if it was a fake date, he was going out with a pretty girl that night, and he figured he should probably look the part.


"This is torture," Shunsui whined as he rummaged through cupboards in the office.

"What," Jyuushirou quipped, "that Nanao's going on a date, or that she hid your sake stash again?"

"Both," Shunsui replied tersely. He grabbed at something that clinked at the back of a shelf, and pulled out a very dusty ceramic bottle. Pulling the stopper, he sniffed at it, then grimaced. "Lamp oil. Wonder how long that's been hiding."

"You're avoiding the issue," Jyuushirou said as he watched the search continue. "You had to know she would eventually take an interest in men."

"Sure, but I thought I'd be the man." Shunsui turned and headed for the door.

"You can't just walk away, you should talk about this," his friend argued.

"Fine, but we'll talk about it at my place, where my sake supplies don't fall under Nanao-chan's jurisdiction."


"This is torture," Nanao whined.

"Oh, quit," Rangiku retorted, pulling a section of Nanao's hair back and securing it with an ornate comb, "you should be thanking me for helping you get ready. If I'd left you on your own, you would have gone out in your work clothes."

"What's so wrong with that?" replied Nanao, tugging at the plunging neckline of the indigo dress Rangiku had wrangled her into. "It wouldn't be nearly as embarrassing as wearing a dress where the collar drops to my waist."

Rangiku slapped Nanao's hand away from the delicate satin fabric. "Hisagi's a boob guy. You don't have any, so we have to give him something else to look at."

"You're a horrible person. And, I'm wearing a sweater."

"You are not!" Matsumoto exclaimed. "After all the work I've done to get you ready, including a special trip to the Living World to get that dress for you. Purple's not exactly my color, you know."

"It's blue," Nanao argued, "and it's distasteful. Why bother wearing anything at this rate?"

"Well if that's the way you want it, go ahead and strip. But you're going to ruin your hair and makeup if you try to take it off now, and Hisagi will be here in ten minutes, so..."

Nanao sighed. "It's not even a real date."

Rangiku stopped fussing with Nanao's hair and put a hand on her hip. "But it's 'not even a real date' at the Silver Lotus. You could be dropping off paperwork there; you'd still have to dress up. Anyway, just because Hisagi's in on your little plan to get Ukitake and Unohana together - " Nanao hissed a warning " - doesn't mean he won't actually fall for you when he sees you in this get-up."

"That's not part of the plan," Nanao reminded her.

"It should be. Hisagi's not a bad catch, if you give him a chance. I used to think he was weird, with the face tattoos and all, but he knows how to have fun and he never takes advantage of a tipsy girl." Matsumoto swayed dramatically to illustrate her point.

"Well, that's good to know, at least. And I hope this means you're over your 'set Nanao up with her captain' schemes."

"Hardly," Rangiku replied indifferently. "It's gotta be someone, and soon, or you'll be buying cats in bulk and I'll have to take drastic measures. I thought it'd be easiest getting you to go for Shunsui-kun, because I know you secretly want him, but if you can't get past your professional hold-ups long enough to lay him, well, Hisagi-kun's more your age and type. You know he hasn't filed a late report in over thirty years?" She grimaced, and Nanao laughed.

"You've got me pegged," she chuckled.

"Here's hoping Hisagi does," Matsumoto replied with a salacious wink.

"Rangiku!"


Shunsui had two cups set out and was filling them from a bottle of sake by the time Jyuushirou followed him into his house.

"Shunsui," he warned.

Kyouraku held out one of the cups. "I'm not talking about this sober," he said matter-of-factly.

Jyuushirou sighed and accepted the drink, carrying it into the sitting room and taking a small sip. Shunsui tipped his whole cup back and poured another.

"So, you're obviously bothered by this." There was a trace of sarcasm in Jyuushirou's tone.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Oh, because you've gone the last fifty so years since the girl came of age flirting with her and just about every other woman you come across, and she's the only one you haven't bothered to ask out."

"Exactly."

"Exactly what?" Ukitake asked, sounding a little exasperated. He thought he knew what Shunsui was getting at, but he wasn't enjoying trying to drag it out of him.

"She's the only one I'd want to still be there in the morning, and on the very slim chance she said yes, you and I both know she'd probably freak out and transfer right after."

"Shunsui, you do know that asking a girl out doesn't necessarily mean taking her for a drink, sleeping with her, and never seeing her again, right?"

"Yes."

"Yes, but?"

"But Nanao-chan doesn't know that I know that."

"So tell her."

"Sure. 'Nanao-chan, I'd like you to go out with me, and I don't mean that the way I meant it to every other girl you've ever seen me ask. You're the only one of them I didn't just want to sleep with.' Yeah, that'd go over well."

Jyuushirou grimaced, and Shunsui tossed back another cup - his fourth? No, fifth. "I see what you mean," he said, taking a sip of his unfinished first cup.


Coming soon: the fake date, the plan goes amiss.