KAREN:

Well, so much for that.

All those crazy thoughts and feelings that I was having, a couple of days ago...? Gone!

Well, kind of.

No, I mean, I'm totally over them. I spent some time thinking, and reasoning with myself, and I decided that my hormones must be out of control, and that is the only explanation for it.

Well, actually I have been trying to convince myself of all that. Last Friday night, we all went to Poor Richards and got drunk, and I had that weird goodnight kiss with Pam, and I couldn't really sleep, but when I did sleep I had another weird dream about her. It was really a lot to feel and to process in just one night, and the effects of it all lasted for the next two days or so.

But now it's Monday morning, it's a new week, and I'm gonna be OKAY. The Sun is shining, and as I walk to my car to go to work, the memories of my dreams and my insane thoughts (a.k.a. having the hots for PAM, no less) seem very far away.

I feel better than I have in a while, although I am a little curious about seeing her again. Well, I did look at her Facebook pictures during the weekend...actually, I looked at them so much that I memorized them. But she doesn't seem to have been online since she befriended me. I wonder what did she do Saturday and Sunday, what does she do when she is not working?

Oh wait! I'm getting sidetracked again. As I was saying, I, KAREN, feel better. And yes, I do want to see Pam, to see the contrast between reality and what I have built up in my head. That's gonna set me straight right away (no pun intended). It usually works: when you idolize something or someone, the real thing CANNOT ever stand comparison with the image you have created in your brain. So I'm looking forward to seeing Pam in the unflattering office lights, with the unflattering Monday morning face. It's going to put things into perspective. There is no way that I'm gonna find her attractive today. And that is exactly what I need.

I'm pretty dissapointed when I get to the office and I don't see Pam anywhere. I am a couple of minutes late, and she's always early, so I don't understand. I want to ask Jim if he knows where she is, but after all the lectures I've given him about Pam in the past, I don't really feel it's fair for me to bring up the subject.

Finally, somebody mentions that Michael, Ryan and Pam are in some kind of conference in Philly for the next three days.

My heart sinks to my shoes.

What? This had to happen TODAY?

Come on! The one time that I want to see her, that I NEED to see her for my mental sanity, she has to be away. I swear, somewhere in the Universe, someone is laughing at me and pointing.

These are gonna be the emptiest, most boring three days ever.

Well, hold on. I tell myself that I actually should be happy. The bitch who's been distracting me is gone, so I can just do my job and enjoy my boyfriend without losing sleep over her! right? And God knows I have been losing sleep over her in more ways than one. So, this is probably a good thing, the solution. What I have to do is concentrate my attention on Jim,

I spend the morning trying to joke with him. It feels a little forced, but it's not terrible. Every now and then, I look at the entrance, to see if anyone comes in. Maybe they come back from their trip early or something. But no one walks in.

It's weird, a week ago I would have thought that having a Pam-Free-Office would be fantastic. A lot more room to breathe and be myself, not having to keep an eye on her all the time. But now the office feels empty. I realize, even with Jim sitting so close to me, that this place is still incredibly boring, there's no color to it, nothing.

Just because, I go to the receptionist's desk, now empty. One of Pam's pink jackets is hanging from her chair. I look at it, as a testimony that she really exists and she is usually there, just not today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after.

I can't help myself and I drop a pencil to the floor, next to her chair. No one will know, but it is my excuse so I can bend down and smell her jacket. I quickly smell the sleeve, and a crazy wave of memories (kiss, dream, lick my leg, touch her hip, she smiles, blue bra) hits me so violently that I almost lose my balance. I stand quicky and I have to lean on the desk for support.

I am making myself go crazy. I see where this is going.

I am mixing all of the ingredients for a very unhealthy obsession, and I am spending time and energy making sure that they grow big and take over my life. I've done it before.

I've never done it with a woman, or let me rephrase that, I have never been obsessively attracted to a woman. I have been obsessed with some of my men, I guess. I have done the online stalking thing with them, to see their pictures and stuff, sure. I have forced "chance encounters", pretending that I just happened to be where they were, so we could spend time together. I cannot recall, however, having lost my breath and my balance just by smelling the pink jacket of any of my past boyfriends. Well, obviously they didn't have pink jackets, but whatever piece of clothing they could leave behind, catching a whiff of it had NEVER made me react more than "that's nice". It was nothing compared with smelling Pam's cardigan. It stirred my senses in such a powerful way that I felt my lower abdomen pulsate, and I am aching to smell it again, I want to do that gross thing that they do on TV when they rub it on their faces, I feel it could be like my own particular drug.

I try to justify my thoughts, saying to myself that at least I'm not smelling her underwear or anything like that. It's just her perfume, so perhaps I am not as dirty as I think I am. Right?

What the HELL is wrong with me?