KAREN:
Oh, God, oh God oh God.
I don't know what to do with myself. I just left Pam in the bathroom, crying.
I can't believe I made her cry. And I can't believe she would cry over something like that. What is she, six? Come on!
This entire situation is ridiculous!
I breathe and I try to collect my thoughts. Okay, what has been going on here the last couple of days? Let's recap:
So Pam, along with Michael and Ryan, was away for a couple of days. And since apparently I am obsessed with her, I actually missed her in the office. And then she came back, and I had decided to start fresh with her, and be nice to her, and we could become friends. I don't know what kind of friends we could ever become, since girl-talk is usually oriented towards talking about guys, and we both seem to share interest in the same thought makes me chuckle, because truth be told, Jim is actually the last thing on my mind these days. But still, if we cannot talk about guys, and we cannot talk about Jim, what can we ever talk about? I guess if she was interested in some other guy, she could talk about him and I could listen.
But anyway, I was gonna give it an honest shot. I wanted to be her friend.
And then she came back, and I was gonna go say hi to her. And then Roy beat me to it, and I saw how she greeted him with a surly "Hey you", and they hugged, and they shared a quick peck on the lips.
It shouldn't be so surprising, right? Jim told me they used to date. They were even engaged to be married. It's no surprise they remained close friends. He missed her, she missed him, and they kiss on the lips, right? No big deal.
It bothered the SHIT out of me.
I actually got a little scared of how much it bothered me. It meant I was actually starting to care for that little idiot.
But why wouldn't it bother me? I mean, come on! Here I am, obsessing every minute over her face and her lips and her stupid naked boob, having dreams about her that leave me more frustrated than anything else, wondering where she is and when she's coming back, re-playing in my head that two seconds that I had my lips on the corner of her mouth, etc...And that big dude can just come and kiss her, just like that? Is it really THAT easy? COME ON!
Even if they're not together, he can just walk in and BAM! Kiss.
But me? No. Why? Because I'm a woman and she's a woman? I just can't go and greet her with an "innocent" peck on the lips, can I? It would be weird. Everybody would see it. And it wouldn't be innocent at all, because I don't really want to just give her a peck on the lips, no. I want to bite her lower lip, and taste it, and press her head against me, and...
Whatever. It just made me so fricking angry, that I didn't even say hello to her.
I knew it was unfair, but the fact that she would just kiss Roy like that, made her lose points in my head. Yes, it makes no sense, but since I want HER, she should be kissing nobody else but me. That's the way things should be.
So it's official, I am insane.
And it's not like I could really kiss her. I've never thought about this before, but apparently being a woman can be a problem if you want to kiss another girl. I cannot just take her to a bar and make out with her stupidly, and pretend it means nothing, like I could do if I were a guy or if SHE were a guy. Well, I guess technically I could, but I don't know how to do that. Do you go up to her and you say "hey Pam, let's go get trashed, and then I'm gonna sexually harass you? ".
It's not like everybody else isn't doing it. I mean, turn on MTV and watch any video or any show, or anything. All of the girl celebrities are kissing other girl celebrities. All teenage girls are making out. Apparently, it's very "IN" this season.
All that seems very fake to me, though, it seems mostly just for show and for attention. I don't know, I feel that if those girls really meant to kiss each other, if they really want to do stuff together, they're probably gonna do it in private first.
But what the hell do I know.
All I know now is that I had good intentions, and after seeing Pam kiss Roy, I didn't have good intentions anymore.
And yes, I have been ignoring her, and I feel selfishly proud of myself that she has noticed. And that it has bothered her.
I don't know if I wanted to bother her so much that she would cry. But in a way, it is flattering.
Oh! And did I mention that I had ANOTHER dream about her?
That's right! Another dream featuring the receptionist.
This time we were just in the elevator, and I had her cornered against the wall, and she was wearing a skirt, and I had managed to slip my hand up her skirt and I was shamelessly touching everything there was to touch in there. She was just sighing something like "so passionate, you're so passionate", or something equally cheesy. I don't know. Apparently I was a sex-machine because she seemed to really like what I was doing to her under her skirt. It probably sounds like nothing, but in my dream it was hot.
So yeah, I'm obviously still crushing on Pam.
And when she came with the fax and I told her not to interrupt...well, let's be fair, she WAS interrupting me. Interrupting my fake conversation with the imaginary French customer (I speak French and I've been told it sounds sexy, so what if I use it to impress people?). Anyway, I DIDN'T do anything to Pam. She's just a wuss who started to cry.
Of course there's a part of me that wants to protect her, like if she was a little kid. She seems to bring that out in people.
That's the part that made me follow her to the bathroom. I hate confrontation, but I couldn't just leave her crying and thinking I am this soul-less bitch. I may be one. But if we put aside all of my obsessions, I still have to work with this woman and we need to get along.
I just entered the bathroom and for a moment I wondered if I had just made a terrible mistake. What if she was actually, you know, on the toilet? But luckily, my instinct was correct, and she was just sitting down crying.
I was a little insecure about what to do, but I think I mumbled some apology. I walked to where she was, and just stood there. Weird, this was the closest we had been, physically, since the Poor Richard's night.
When she started babbling about whether I hate her, or not, or Jim, or what, and then she lost all control and started to really sob, I wasn't thinking about her being hot or not. It was beyond a sexual desire. At the moment, I just did what came natural: put my arms around her and hugged her tight.
That's what you do when somebody cries, right? You comfort them. Even if you're the one who made them cry.
It felt almost normal. Like if I had held her like that a million times before.
And then I felt her hug my waist, TIGHT, and my heart started racing. I couldn't believe it, it was almost too good. I just touched her hair and stood in my place.
But her embrace died really soon, and she looked down, and my heart was still beating really hard inside my chest. I thought: I could do something now. We're both here. She's within my reach. I could kiss her face. Kiss her tears, like they say in love songs. I could just make a bold move, and whatever happens, happens.
But I'm way too chicken for that. I just get as close to her face as I dare, but I cannot break the final barrier. It's not like it was that night. This is daytime, in a well-lit bathroom stall (it seems like a lot of the action between me and Pam happens in bathrooms, doesn't it?). I am not drunk, she is not drunk. Alcohol makes me cocky, and sobriety makes me cautious.
Still, her scent is so intense, I feel like I am melting. This is like the time I smelled her pink cardigan, multiplied by a thousand.
Anyway, we just stared at each other, I think I actually touched her face or something (who knows? I was way too nervous!). I remembered that I usually look good in short distances, and I tried to express what I was feeling at the moment, with that stare. I hope that, at the very least, it confused her.
Suddenly, I was in a big hurry to get out of there. Because my body was starting to react to the closeness, and I was about to do something stupid. And since I was not sure how any moves from my side would be received, I just left.
I'll probably have another dream tonight. It's out of my control. I know, at the very least, I'm gonna think about what just happened, I'm gonna relive that in my head a million times.
Whatever, at least in my fantasies I still have some control. Reality is getting too weird for me.
