DISCLAIMER: The story continues. Again, the characters do not belong to me. And again, I'm not a native English speaker, so sorry about the bad grammar.
Thank you SO MUCH to all the readers and the people who reviewed it! It is really encouraging. You guys are sweet! :0)
KAREN:
Friday night, Barnes & Noble.
Sitting at the Cafe with my coffee anc my laptop.
Yep, my life has become so pathetic that instead of going out with my boyfriend after work, I lie to him so I can come to the Bookstore and hide from everybody.
I just wasn't in the mood to go to Poor Richard's tonight. Jim said I was an old fart for not going. Pam is going. And so is Roy.
Whatever! Maybe they can all have a threesome and leave me alone. Maybe THEN I could get over this.
I keep replaying in my head the scene we had in the bathroom, with Pam crying, and new levels of fiction are added to it everytime I replay it. Things have DEFINITELY gotten worse. I've been thinking about it so much, I have been thinking about HER so much, I'm pretty sure I've started to develope feelings for her.
Yay me. I'm a genius.
I'm falling in love with Pam, now.
I'm probably convincing myself that I am, or something. I don't know. I've just been thinking about her, and all that crazy horniness has mellowed down and turned into a weird yearning. I have been kind of depressed for the last couple of days...I guess it's because I kind of accepted that I liked her (it wasn't easy, but it was obvious). Yeah, I accepted that I am attracted to her. So, with acceptance comes a realization: I am not going to have her.
I am NOT going to have her. Ever.
This SUCKS!
Everything that goes up comes down at some point, and I have been so high lately, that now I have crashed and burned. It seems so unfair. I went by her desk today, and we exchanged some meaningless words (yes, things between us have been pretty superficial since the bathroom scene). And I looked at the little wrinkles next to her eyes and her mouth when she smiles. And I saw how a little piece of her red hair came loose from her hair clip, and she put it behind her ear. And I looked at her hands, and her fingers, and her nails, so natural looking, no nail polish. And i wanted to hold her hand. There was a little vein that I could see on her hand, and I wanted to trace my fingers on it. And I looked at her cheek, and her nose, and I wanted to softly caress her cheek with my cheek. And I wanted to run my fingers through her hair, and hug her.
And I'm never gonna get to do any of that,
See? Those are not just horny thoughts anymore. Those are the kind of thoughts that you start having when you're falling for somebody. And since I am a professional idiot, instead of repressing it, I am going for it full speed.
You may wonder what's happening with me and Jim , I guess we're still together. But I haven't spent the night with him in a long time, and we haven't even made out or anything. He asked me if everything's alright, and I said I was feeling weird, and I was terrified that he was gonna read through me and be all like:" Oh, so we're in love with the same woman now?". But I don't think he's that perceptive. I don't know. I probably should talk to him and we should break up. I'm wasting his time right now, there is no way that I am in any condition to be in a relationship with him at the moment. I'm not remotely interested in him anymore, except maybe in a friendly way. And he's a nice person, and cute, and he can do better. He deserves to at least be with a girl that is in love with him, and not obsessed with Pam.
I keep wondering if Pam is still in love with Jim or not. She is not looking at him or talking to him that often anymore. She looks at me way more than she looks at him. I notice that, but I am too afraid to read anything into it. I'm already setting myself up for failure: I'm gonna start thinking that she could be interested in me, and get my hopes up, and then get my heart broken.
I should just write it down a thousand times in a piece of paper: PAM IS STRAIGHT.
STRAIGHT.
STRAIGHT.
And me? What the fuck am I?
I used to be straight. I never had anything against people who aren't straight, but it was never a question for me. I wonder now, if I had actually opened my eyes before, would I have been straight this long?
It doesn't even matter. I don't know what I am, I can't define it right now. But I like a woman, I'm obsessed with a woman, the thought of her creates a reaction in my body WAY stronger than the thought of any man (probably because it is forbidden). I wonder if I could actually be with her, sexually, in real life. I've watched enough porn to know what you're supposed to do, but I wonder if that could be me, if that could be us.
I look down at the magazine that I have on my table. There's an ad for a perfume, and some woman is standing there naked, covering her front with a towel, but you see the side of her butt. She looks really airbrushed, well lit, against a white background. Everything is soft and perfect. Seeing this model woman doesn't really trigger any reaction from me. But what happens if I put Pam's face in that body? If I imagine that it's Pam, holding a towel, looking at me innocently in her nakedness?
DEFINITELY triggers a big reaction.
I have a crazy flash in my head: me, kneeling down behind her, with my hands on her rear, making that body mine, that skin mine, with my hands, with my face, doing things to that butt that I would NEVER have thought of doing. I don't even know where these fantasies come from or how they would end. But if it was Pam's naked butt in front of my face, yeah, I would do things to it, you can be sure.
My cell phone vibrates. I know what this is.
Yeah, it's Jim. His text message reads: 'Pick me up? I'm drunk. Sorry Filipelli".
I cringe a little bit. I don't really wanna deal with drunk Jim. If he gets all touchy-feely and wants to have sex, I'm gonna have to say no. But of course, my other thought is: woot! Pam will be there! I go there and pick him up, and I see her. Parking lot, like last time. Kiss? Maybe? What?
I text back: "Ok drunk. Be there in 15".
Sure enough, in exactly fourteen minutes I'm pulling into the parking lot of Poor Richard's. A lot of people have gone already, just Kevin, Pam and Jim are still there. I lower my window and Kevin explains that he wanted to stay with both of them, because they're both drunk.
- Are YOU drunk?- I ask Kevin.
- No. Not anymore- he responds.- But Pam and Jim are.
They look it, they're both looking kind of guilty and giggly. Pam screams "Karen!" when she sees me, and my heart jumps in stupid happiness.
- Okay, you alcoholic people: what's the deal?- I ask.
- Well, I can't drive- says Jim.- And I don't think Pam should. Either.
- You want a ride?- I ask Pam. I obviously want her to say yes. And I obviously get secretly excited when she does.
Things are happening fast. Jim gets in the back and lays down. Pam gets in the front. She's smiling, giggling, like a tipsy teenager.
- Put on your seatbelt.
- What? I...i can't- she laughs. Her coordination is clearly impaired. I reach over and grab her seatbelt with my right hand, and pull it to adjust it. My arm touches her chest. She giggles again. I mumble something about their drunken state, and they both laugh. It feels like I'm the mommy and they are the naughty kids. But I don't care, actually. It is kind of fun.
I feel very flattered that Pam is in the passenger seat of my hot car. I feel important and sophisticated driving her around, it's like SHE needs ME.
I pull out of the parking lot and head towards Jim's place. I realize I don't actually know where Pam lives.
I turn toward her to ask her, but she has closed her eyes. She can't possibly be asleep or passed out, she's probably just resting her eyes. I turn to see if Jim can be of any help. but he's also humming to himself with closed eyes in the back.
Pam accomodates her posture and leans against my shoulder.
MY shoulder.
She leans against me.
My heart jumps again. It's like we're cuddling.
I'm afraid to move. I'm afraid to breathe. I'm afraid my shoulder is too boney, or not comfortable enough, or whatever.
I don't care. All of a sudden, I wish that this drive could last forever.
I do what I usually do when my nieces lean their heads on my shoulder, and I kiss Pam's forehead. I don't know if she's gonna think it's weird or not. She just kind of smiles, but she doesn't open her eyes.
We just keep on driving for another ten minutes in that posture.
I really do wish this could last forever.
And if the events of this night weren't enough, something else funny happens.
It turns out that Pam has left her keys at the office. So it turns out that she needs to stay somewhere for the night. Of course this had to happen.
So, of course, the only possible solution: she's gonna stay at Jim's.
Of course, too, since I am HIS girlfriend, I need to stay too. I'll stay with him in his room and she'll crash on the couch, so everything will be proper and pure.
Life has a sense of humor.
I mean, isn't it messed up that I am gonna share a roof with the person that I'm obsessed with, but I will be paired up with my boyfriend, who might also be in love with her, and she might be in love with my boyfriend too? what a weird world.
Wouldn't it be easier if we could just say it all out in the open? Okay, Jim? You can sleep with Pam as long as I can sleep with her too. But maybe you just don't need to be involved at all, actually.
Yeah, we can't say those things.
At least I'm lucky: it would be worse if Jim and Pam were going to share a bed and do stuff, and I had to stay in the same house and hear it.
Anyway...
A couple of minutes later, we're upstairs in Jim's apartment. I feel like I'm the host, because he's completely useless. He apologizes for being so drunk, and stumbles over to his bedroom, and falls face down on the bed. He's out.
Pam is not doing much better.
I don't really know what to do, but I force myself to act normal. I indicate where the couch is (thankfully, it's a big cushy one), and I remember where Jim has some spare blankets and pillows.
- I just know- I keep talking, while browsing through his closet- there must be some spare toothbrushes around here somewhere.
- Thanks- Pam's voice comes soft, from the couch. She is slowly getting horizontal.
- Let me bring you some water, so you can stay hydrated...And you know where the bathroom is, right?- I keep talking.
In about three minutes, she looks ready to pass out. I dim the lights in the livingroom and I'm about to go, when she calls me to the couch. Her voice is almost unrecognizable, between sleepy and almost childlike. I realize I've never seen this side of Pam, this playful, sleepy side, and I wonder if I should be allowed to see it. Of course it's kind of melting my heart, but it should probably be reserved for her boyfriends.
I slowly walk towards the couch. She mumbles something about how I can sit down and we can hang out.
I chuckle, because her eyes are closed as she says it. But I do sit down, on the edge of the couch, wondering what's gonna happen next.
She actually puts her head on my lap and grunts, like a spoiled little girl.
I cannot believe my own luck.
I should be nervous but I just decide to take things as they come. When am I EVER gonna have the chance to stare at her face shamelessly, with her head on my lap, and play with her hair? Probably never. I mean, besides now. I very softly caress her face, touch her hair, even softly I massage her scalp with the tips of my fingers. This is like a dream. And as far as I can tell, I'm still keeping it safe, ok? this could be just two friends, like, I'm just helping her fall asleep. I'm just being nice and giving her a massage. It has nothing to do with anything else.
We stay like that, she's on my lap and I'm letting my fingers caress her head and her face in the dark, for a long time. I rest my back on the couch, and I think how this night has been the most amazing night I can remember.
She probably won't remember it tomorrow, but I don't even care. I feel we're so close right now. And look at her, she's completely asleep now...
Or so I thought.
All of a sudden, I hear her voice in a completely different tone than the sleepy one she was using before.
- You like me, don't you?
I kind of freeze.
- What?- I manage to say.
- You like me- she's not asking, she knows.
- I like you? like what?
- I think you like me a lot more than you should.
- What?- heart racing, palms sweating, me getting up from the couch. No scalp massage anymore. This sounds so stupidly cliche, but I actually say "I don't know what you're talking about".
- I don't mean it in a bad way- she says.- But why are you here, with me, instead of in bed with Jim?
- I have to go to bed- I reply.
She just smiles, like she knows I'm acting. What a bitch! She was awake? Was she tricking me? Is it really that obvious that I like her?
And why was she asking me to sit with her, and why did she put her head on my lap?
Just to trick me into being affectionate with her? To check if I was gonna try to make a move?
My face is burning. I'm actually really embarrased.
I leave and close the door. There's no way I'm gonna be able to fall asleep after this, I think, while Jim snores next to me, on his bed. This is gonna be a long night.
