Chapter 13

"Truly?" Priestess Kaede, their friend, asked incredulously. "Inuyasha called ye a traitor?" The old woman looked up from her meal into Kagome's eyes. She wore a simple, voluminous white and red outfit of a priestess; an eye patch covered her left eye. A chopstick-full of her breakfast she held suspended in mid-air, forgotten. She sighed sadly at the reply, finally raising the rice to her mouth.

Myoga, an old, tiny flea demon, squeaked, "Never, in all my years of serving Lord Inuyasha, have I heard of him acting this way!" He hopped up and down in agitation on Kaede's left shoulder. They shushed him, and he sulked, crossing his double pairs of arms, but didn't say anything further. He was curious, after all, and so settled down to listen to the rest of the tale unfold.

They explained Inuyasha's transformation to full demon and his subsequent battle, followed by his change back. Then, after patching up everyone's wounds as best they could, Kagome, Sango, and Shippo had commandeered several horses for faster travel and to carry the unconscious, battered Inuyasha. They used Shippo's earlier findings to travel out of the maze of the castle. Kirara and Miroku flew off to find the monk's friend, Hachi the raccoon demon. They soon returned on Hachi's shape-shifted back, only to find that Inuyasha had disappeared. Reportedly, he'd awoken and, furious, he'd dashed away on his own. They hadn't seen hide nor hair of him since.

Kaede lowered her empty bowl to the floor at the close of the story. Pushing her hands into the opposite sleeves of her robe, she closed her eyes briefly in thought. She then turned back to the other's concerned and confused expressions. Myoga, too, said nothing.

"Kaede," pleaded Shippo, "why would Inuyasha do all that? I don't get it! It's like… he chose to transform! But he knows that's bad! He killed loads of people!" Kirara meowed mournfully. She licked her tender, healing tail. Sango stroked her reassuringly where she curled in her lap.

"Myoga, Kaede, please," Kagome entreated, "what's wrong with him?" She set aside her own half-eaten breakfast with a quiet thunk.

Myoga leapt to his feet, waving his four arms wildly. "He's gone mad! He's finally lost it! I warned him about transforming, but he went ahead and did it anyway!" he ranted irreverently. "His demon blood has gone to his head!"

Kagome shouted, "No! NO! He's not mad! He can't be!" She threw her hands up and out, then brought them back down to her mouth, curling them there in fright.

"Myoga, you're not helping," Sango scolded gently.

He sputtered. Waving a diminutive finger at her, he cried, "Hey! You should learn to respect your elders!"

"Kaede," Miroku asked, turning to her, "what do you think?"

Kaede remained quiet for a time, holding up a hand to implore their patience when they sought to erupt in questions again. At last, she said slowly, "I suspect it is because of how long he underwent the abuse," she paused to gather her words carefully, "As well as these purification chains…. Ye also mentioned that the soldiers called him names, picked on him more than the rest of ye?"

Kagome nodded vigorously. "Yeah, they were really cruel!"

Miroku spoke, "But it's Inuyasha! He wouldn't even notice name-calling."

"NOTICE!" yelped Myoga. "He'd think it was good sport!" He bounced up and down for emphasis from Kaede's shoulder to the height of her ear.

The old priestess shrugged. "I know little of his past. 'Tis possible…"

Gasping, Kagome interrupted, crying, "No! You don't think that's happened to him before?"

Myoga's mouth dropped open in shock.

Miroku's eyes lit with understanding. He laid a hand on Kagome's left shoulder. She jerked her head toward him. He said gently, "Inuyasha is a half-demon. He's probably experienced prejudice his whole life."

Kagome shot to her feet, upsetting her bowl and spilling rice all over the floor. "No! You saw him, Miroku! We both did! Do you really think that Inuyasha, of all people, would ever succumb to that?"

Miroku stood as well and said calmly, "Yes, I saw him. But did you notice the look in his eyes?" She faltered. "Yes – it was despair. That's exactly what I think happened."

"Despair? Bah!" Myoga squeaked. Miroku lifted an eyebrow briefly in his direction.

Sango leaned back and said disbelievingly from her seat on the floor, "But… Inuyasha? He's always been the type to get angry, to fight back, not roll over and, and give up!"

"Yeah!" Shippo interjected.

"I know." Miroku looked at Sango as he spoke. He chuckled to himself. "How well I know." He raised his eyebrow again. "But when you account for his 200 years… many people could hurt him, a lot, in that amount of time."

Myoga peeped, "No! My lord – he could not be hurt by mere humans!" He began to bounce agitatedly again.

Sango accused, "How would you know? You never stick around when there's trouble."

"Yeah! And what about his brother, Sesshomaru? He's a demon, and he hates Inuyasha!" Shippo added.

"Hey! Since when did it become okay to always pick on the little guy?" the flea demon retorted.

Kagome sat back down slowly, ignoring their tiredness-enhanced bickering. "Inuyasha…," she whispered, looking beyond the old priestess. She shifted her pleading eyes back to Kaede's face. "But he's never said anything!"

Miroku finally lowered himself to the floor, too, allowing the older spiritual adviser to take charge.

Kaede shrugged. "That's always been his way. But ye have helped him, child. Don't ye remember how he was when ye first met?"

"Yeah." Kagome sighed and nodded. Then she admitted, "I miss him."


The first gray tint of dawn began to leech the horizon of black. Not far beyond Kaede's village lay an old wood; creaking, gnarled oaks stretched a slithering canopy over short, stumpy bushes and reaching, finger-like silhouettes of ferns. Dead, sloughed-off leaves encrusted the otherwise barren earth. A huge, majestic tree – a sacred tree, yet one scarred by deceit – stood within the unforgiving, lightless heart of the forest. Perched masochistically in its rough branches was a form, dimly recognizable to the native creatures as a human shape. Usually, they skittered away at the sound or smell of humans, but this one was strangely welcomed home here. However, they sensed its rage and pain – could smell blood on it – and as a result did not venture close to this dangerous predator.

The form lifted its head slowly, and rested it against the trunk of the tree. It spotted the crescent curve of the moon stabbing intermittently through the black leaves. Its wind-ruffled, white hair shone in the dark like newborn, wriggling maggots. It raised its right hand for scrutiny, turning it back and forth. A dark substance entirely coated the oddly elegant fingers and dull claws. A breeze wafted the scent into its face, and it wrinkled its nose, tightening the hand into a fist. By force of will, it seemed, the shape uncurled the stained fingers and nonchalantly picked something from underneath the flashing claws. It moved his left arm slowly, gingerly. It flicked the material into the darkness, then proceeded to do the same to the left hand.

Inuyasha dropped his hands into his lap, releasing his neck muscles and propping his head back against the tree. It made a satisfactory thunk, so he did it again. And once more. He sighed, then gritted his teeth. Conflicting emotions coursed through him. He slashed at the branch he sat on, before his crossed legs. Five pale lines appeared in the cracked bark. A sudden flood of fury, pleased by the action, compelled him to slash and cut with his uninjured right hand until the branch creaked, splintered, and fell away. Just enough of the bough had remained for his perch.

He leaned back and looked at his hand, palm up. Splinters had driven themselves under his claws and into his fingers. Tiny drops of blood grew and trembled on his skin. Some of the caked-on redness had been scraped away. The fresh physical pain opened the burden on his heart, and tears trailed down his cheeks silently, safe in the knowledge that he was utterly alone in the dark. He tenderly traced his bandages through his clothes, envisioning Kagome's hands wrapping his wounds. He desperately wished he could be at her side, wished he could hold her in his arms, wished he could smell her gentle scent. Yet he wished in futility.

The evidence was on his hands, under his claws, in the odorous air. He had killed again – probably many times, many innocent people. He couldn't remember it, but he didn't need nor want to. How could he think that transforming was the solution? It only proved once again how corrupt and defiled he was. It was no wonder why they would do as they did. He was worse than worthless.

His hands fisted. Well, so what if he was? Did it really matter anymore? He scrunched his eyes closed, wiping roughly at his own betraying tears.

His heart bled at the prospect of stark, looming loneliness. Was it really better to leave and return to that? Or was it better to have someone – anyone, even someone who hurt him, who cared even enough to spare him notice – rather than no one and nothing at all?


"I think we should look for Inuyasha," Kagome burst out. She paced impatiently in front of Kaede's hut, wringing her hands. The noonday sun beat down on her head. She chewed her lower lip, glancing up at the others' eyes as she passed by. She whirled, beginning a new circuit.

Sango and Miroku leaned against the wall next to one another, tiredly watching Kagome stride back and forth. Shippo and Kirara had curled up, snoring, on Miroku's left. Kaede, too, stood near Shippo, watching, her hands in opposite sleeves. Myoga was still perched on her shoulder.

Sango yawned and asked, "Where would you start?" Mildly, she marveled at how much energy Kagome seemed to have. None of them had slept last night, but that didn't appear to matter to her.

Kagome threw up her hands as she walked toward Kaede again. "I don't know! But… we have to find him! Convince him to come back!"

"Child," Kaede said gently, "ye have need of rest. We – "

"No!" she interrupted. "I don't care! We have to find him! Now! The longer we wait, the farther away he can go, and then we'll never find him!" she wailed. She roughly wiped at her eyes, then folded her arms and marched away again.

"Well, do you have a plan?" demanded Myoga.

To herself, Kaede wondered whether it was possible to find a half-demon who didn't want to be found.

The young woman perked up, uncrossing her arms. She stopped walking, standing in front of the priestess. "Maybe," she said hesitantly to both Myoga and Kaede. Too much nervous energy compelled her to do something with her hands, so she twisted them together, twisting and twisting. "I was thinking, if Kirara was willing – I know she's hurt – that we could fly around and try to spot him from the sky. That red robe is pretty eye-catching." She glanced tentatively at the ground before meeting Kaede's eyes again. Kagome whispered, "Who knows how far he got by now?" She whirled and began to pace once more, calling over her shoulder, "So, what do you think?"

Myoga cheeped haughtily, boasting, "It'll never work! Lord Inuyasha could be halfway across the country by now!"

Kagome flinched.

The old woman sighed, closing her good eye. Miroku spoke up, causing Kaede to look at him. "What about your 'sit?'" he said to Kagome, turning his head to follow her path.

"What about it?" Kagome snapped.

He shrugged. "I don't know. I was just thinking that if you kept calling 'sit,' we'd probably hear his thud. Goodness knows, he'd most likely seek us out after that."

Sango said sarcastically, "Yeah – to kill us. Pissing off an already-pissed-off Inuyasha is a terrible idea."

Miroku struggled to rein in his exhaustion-shortened temper. "Well, do you have a better one?"

The demon-slayer admitted reluctantly, "No." She fought to keep her eyes from closing, jerking them open and blinking blearily.

Kagome halted. "Hey, that's not bad. I could just keep saying it!" She continued to convince herself, "And then Kirara can rest! Great! Come on, you guys, let's go!" She pivoted on her heel, stalking toward the village outskirts. "Sit, boy! Sit, boy!" she hollered.

Myoga yelled pessimistically, "Didn't you hear what I said? 'Halfway across the country!' He won't be anywhere near here!"

Miroku and Sango staggered to their feet. "Hey! Wait! We should talk about this!" he called. "I didn't mean it! Honest!" Sango paused to scoop up Kirara and Shippo, before dashing away. "Are you coming, you two?" the demon-slayer threw over her shoulder.

The one-eyed priestess sighed, shook her head, and reluctantly trailed after.

"Sit, boy! Sit, boy! Sit, boy!" Kagome yelled. "Inuyasha! Sit!" She stopped walking, muttering, "I should have brought water." It would have been especially helpful now, since she'd shouted all day yesterday, it seemed. She swallowed several times. Looking over her shoulder, she spotted her friends slowly tottering along in her wake; Kaede and Myoga had long since caught up. "Come on, you guys! Hurry up!" Tiredness threatened to drag her under, but she ignored it in her frantic craze. "Sit!" Continuing along the dirt road stretching out from the village, Kagome marched along.

Suddenly, she halted again. She slowly turned to scrutinize the tree line to her right, thinking that she'd sensed eyes on her. "Inuyasha?" she whispered. She paused, then called louder, "Is that you, Inuyasha?" The only response was a rustle of leaves in the afternoon breeze. "Sit!" She waited. Nothing. She sighed, crestfallen. Glancing back at the others, she waved to get their attention. Pointing into the trees, she tore through the forest in desperate hope.

Miroku and Sango took deep breaths, eyeing one another in dismay. Kaede sighed, but said nothing. For once, Myoga followed suit. Shippo and Kirara, oblivious, slept on in Sango's arms.

"Sit!" Kagome shouted. "Sit!" Her friends trudged through the underbrush after her. Occasionally, she would pause to listen, hoping for an angry bellow or a thud. An hour passed without a response. She struggled to reassure herself: he's probably just not anywhere near here, and there's a lot of ground we haven't gone over yet; it's okay, we'll find him; really, we will; and get a hold of yourself, girl.

All of a sudden, Kagome realized that she recognized her surroundings. The sacred tree wasn't far away, nor was The Bone Eaters' Well that she used to travel to and from her own time. Automatically – by now – she shouted, "Sit!"

A crash of breaking branches came from somewhere in front of her. She jumped. A string of rapid, muttered curses emitted from the undergrowth. "Inuyasha!" Kagome squealed happily. She sprinted.

Bursting into a small clearing, she immediately spotted the half-demon lying awkwardly facedown at the base of the sacred tree. Broken tree limbs littered the area around him. She dashed toward him, falling to her knees and encircling her arms around his chest in blatant disregard of the circumstances of his leave-taking.

Inuyasha flinched as her hands brushed against his wounds, both physical and metaphorical. Completely unprepared for this encounter, he felt totally overwhelmed. He rushed to his feet, bringing her clinging body with him. He thrust her off, running backward until he hit the edge of the clearing and the bushes. He eyed her askance.

Kaede, Shippo, Kirara, Sango, Myoga, and Miroku erupted from the tree line as one unit. "Inuyasha!" the three humans and flea demon cried in unison. They tensed, sensing not to get any closer, and remained standing where they had emerged. The two demons awoke, instinctively realizing that a moment of truth was at hand. They stayed quiescent in Sango's arms, blinking sleep from their eyes.

Inuyasha sneered to cover his sudden rush of guilt-smeared joy. "What do you want?" he snapped.

"Inuyasha," Kagome said, hurt. "Please!" She thrust out her arms toward him, nearly doubling over with the pain she suddenly felt. "Come back!"

He laughed without humor; his eyebrows dropped angrily. "Why," he demanded, glaring.

Sango interrupted her, "Because you're our friend!" She took a single, involuntary step toward him.

He thrust out a hand. "Don't," he said, the single word eloquent in its expression of pain, denial, and hope that he could not afford.

Myoga was shocked into silence at the sight of his lord and the changes a mere handful of days had wrought in him. He could only watch and listen helplessly.

Miroku spoke gently, "Inuyasha, we don't want you to leave. We never did."

Shippo added, "Don't go, Inuyasha!" He struggled, and Sango set both him and Kirara down. The young demon approached slowly, cautiously, wary of scaring him away. He stopped just behind Kagome when Inuyasha's legs tensed like a spring.

"Don't," the half-dog-demon said desperately. He closed his eyes, his outstretched hand clenching into a fist. He lowered it to his side. When his golden eyes opened again, they were hard, topaz gems. "Don't."

"Inuyasha," Kagome cried, "we didn't betray you!" She, too, dared to take a step forward.

Inuyasha stepped backward into the bushes, reclaiming the distance between them. Kagome lifted her hands up to express the fact that she didn't want to hurt him.

Kaede said softly, "Inuyasha, do not let your past cloud your present. Ye have friends here, loyal friends."

He sneered, "No." He seemed incapable of little more than monosyllablic responses. Lifting his left hand, he almost comforted himself by tracing the bandages on his chest again, but caught the motion before it really began. He refused to show that much weakness. "No!" He began shaking his head back and forth, retreating yet farther into the undergrowth. His hakama caught and let go, caught and let go on the tiny branches.

"Inuyasha, please!" pleaded Kagome. "Don't go! Can't we at least talk first?" She sniffled, hands reaching for him again.

Even after so much had happened, he still couldn't stand to see her look like that. He halted abruptly, shoulders rounding angrily, fists clenched. "Fine!" he snapped.

Kagome nodded over and over in encouragement to both herself and Inuyasha. "Okay. Good," she said as she did so. She struggled to find the right words, ones that had the power to make him stay. Stepping back to give him space, she asked, "Could you come back into the clearing? Please?" Shippo glanced up at her and followed her lead, walking backward beside her.

He eyed the space between them for an eternity, and then marched out of the bushes. He planted himself just inside the rough circle surrounding the sacred tree. "I'll ask again. What. Do. You. Want?" Angry eyebrows lowered.

Kagome replied simply, "I want you to stay. I want you to stay with us, with me."

"No. I can't do that, won't do that."

Shippo exclaimed, "Yeah, you can!" He leapt forward a little in his earnestness. "We want you to!"

"NO! You're lying!" he cried suddenly, fiercely. "Don't lie to me!" His eyes were wild, his face desperate. "I can't handle it!" He impulsively decided to strike a deal for what he really wanted. "Fine! I'll stay, but only so long as you TELL THE TRUTH!"

They all looked at one another, surprised and alarmed at his outburst. Inuyasha barely took notice.

Deception hurt more than honesty, he knew. He didn't even care if they used him like a mule, or locked him away, or beat him (he wouldn't fight back) – just as long as he had their companionship. Any and all of that was better than being alone, he decided. He clenched his hands. …Even their guile.

They had a difficult time meeting his frenzied eyes.

He didn't let them respond to his earlier cry. Noises that sounded like a half-laugh, half-sob came from his chest. "Actually," he gestured crazily outward with a hand, "I don't even care if you lie." He hated to admit to what he needed, but…. "Just let me stay!" he wailed. His legs folded, and he ended up cross-legged on the ground. He pivoted, presenting them with his curved, silently shaking back.

For a moment, none of them moved. Then Kagome rushed to him, enfolding him gently in her arms. She kneeled, resting her right cheek against his back. She stroked his heaving chest and crooned. Kagome, shock still in her eyes, looked at the others and jerked her head to indicate that they should approach.

They did, quickly. None of them had had any inkling whatsoever that Inuyasha had felt this way. He was always angry, sure, but he blustered his way through life. Somehow, the past several days had inexplicably caused this to surface.

Shippo, Myoga, and Kirara bounded into his lap, astonished at his tears. Only once before had he let them see this sight. Miroku, Sango, and Kaede also joined the hug that Inuyasha so desperately needed.

When he felt all their arms around him, he broke down and sobbed loudly, raggedly, something he had not done, not once, since he was very young. The pain-filled cries tore from his throat. It made him feel incredibly weak and stupid, but he nevertheless could not dam the flood.

When his sobs trailed away at last, they moved back to allow him to stand. He staggered upright, turning and scrubbing his bloodshot eyes harshly. He blinked wearily at them, exhausted by emotion and physical pain. Kirara rubbed her body against his ankles, meowed forgiveness and understanding, and transformed with a whoosh. She presented her back to him, tails flicking.

Inuyasha just stood there.

"Go on, Inuyasha," Kagome urged. "You need the ride, for once." She smiled in gentle teasing.

In spite of himself, Inuyasha smiled back.