KAREN:
It happened. It happened. IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!
FOR REAL!
I am still completely hiper, and incredulous, and overwhelmed. But I have a very real hickie on my neck, still pretty visible, as a proof that this all really happened and it wasn't just in my imagination. Yes, dear world, guess what: Pam bit my neck. Pam used her teeth on me. Pam gave me a hickie.
HOT!
And I gave her hickies too. And more things. I did lots of stuff to her. HA-HA.
I have never felt this way after having sex with somebody. Ever. I feel so ridiculously happy and proud of myself that I worry I'm transforming into some weird female douchebag. Seriously! Even right after we finished, I kept looking at Pam and I couldn't get enough of the sight: I got her in bed. I, KAREN, had somehow gotten Pam interested enough to have sex with me. Wowza! If I had been a smoker, I would be smoking the "after", post coital cigarette, while crossing my hands behind my head and looking satisfied, and mumbling "you're welcome". See? DOUCHEBAG!
But that is how I felt! Is that what is like to get a hot girl in bed? You feel that good, and that proud?
No wonder guys are always trying to get women in bed, then. It feels awesome!
Usually, after the first time I sleep with someone (a.k.a. a guy), I'm always worried about the "normal" things. Did I make him wait long enough? Am I still respected? What should I say now? All those stupid topics that were burned in my head by my Mom, and by some other women and men in this society, and that even though we are in 2010, are somehow still valid...well, at least sometimes.
But after having sex with Pam, I wasn't worried about being respected or not. Somehow, I knew that that was not going to be an issue. I don't feel like I gave anything up. I feel more like "that was hot, want to do it again, BRING IT ON!".
And I had to stop myself from taking a picture of her, naked in my bed, as a testimony of my accomplishment. I would obviously never share it with anybody (Who do I know that could understand what this all means, anyway?). No, I did NOT take a picture. But I would have liked to.
I would be lying if I said I got any sleep that night. I did not. Pam was out like a light, after we were done. We didn't talk about it. We just laid in the same bed, together, and she curled into my arms. That lasted until she really fell asleep, and then she left my embrace to just stretch out on the bed. That's when I simply started observing her.
I spent most of the night just looking at her, not quite believing what had happened. Her hair was spread out on the pillow, and she was still mostly naked. She looked beautiful. At least, I thought so.
I was trying to decide how I should act the morning after. I guess I could have done the typical thing, and leave the room before she woke up: that would spare us both the awkwardness. Would I leave a note on her pillow? What's the protocol here? I smiled at the fact that I did not know what to do. It didn't matter: it was a good problem to have.
In the end, it all kind of worked itself out. When it was obvious I was NOT gonna sleep at all, around 7 in the morning, I decided to take a shower. That way, when Pam woke up, she would see me all nice and clean, and that would make me feel more secure of myself. And yes, I showered. And I looked at my body in the bathroom's mirror, and I specifically observed the hickies...and I couldn't stop smiling.
When I left the bathroom, still wrapped up in a towel, it turns out that Pam was awake and looking at me from the bed, with a shy smile.
- Hey- she said.
- Good morning- I said. I started smiling like an idiot too.
We spent the entire time that it took us to get ready, just being coy like two schoolgirls. Her smile and little comments made me feel better: I took them as a sign that she didn't regret what happened last night. It was just a little weird, like we needed to learn to be with each other at this new level. Let's not forget that Pam and I weren't that close to begin with, and that I have spent the last two or three weeks half-ignoring her, half-coming on to her. And she has been playing all those seduction games (I still CANNOT believe what she did in the bathroom!). But now, we have crossed THAT line. And we need to find where we both stand, I guess. I wonder if there is even going to be a "WE", an "US".
I don't even know where I stand. But I'm enjoying all these new sensations, and Pam does look really, really cute, blushing and smiling while she puts stuff inside her suitcase. I hand her the dress that she was wearing last night (now it is just a wrinkly black mess), and she can't help but turning red, and she kind of chuckles. She says thank you, and I smile too.
Later, on the train back to Scranton, we do not sit together. I actually make a point to give her some space, so I sit with Dwight. Pam sits with Michael, and he starts to talk. Pam seems to be in a really good mood, and she laughs at the jokes that Michael makes. I'm wondering if she is in a good mood because of what happened between us. I wonder if we're gonna have to talk about this.
I guess at some point we will, but right now, I really cannot decide anything. I am too scared that Pam will "come to her senses" and freak out about our little affair. (By the way, there was notthing little about it. It was fricking GREAT).
At some point, she looks at me and she smiles. Warm smile.
I feel such a big sense of relief. And that relief comes accompanied by a new feeling, of fear. Pam smiled, and I just remembered how much I actually like her.
It is too soon to know what's going to happen... It is just too soon to tell.
KAREN:
2:27PM/Dunder Mifflin Scranton.
We are back.
Actually, we have been back in Scranton since yesterday. But since we were all exhausted from the trip, Michael gave us permission to skip the rest of the day, just go home and sleep. We all thanked him happily (well, except Dwight, who just replied that Schrutes don't need sleep, and headed straight to the office to work for the remainer of the day).
I was wondering if I had to make a move, say something to Pam before she left, ask her out or something. She seemed to be extra slow saying her goodbyes too, which makes me hope that she was just hanging around to see if I said something. But I was really tired, and I was definitely not going to be my most charming self. Besides, I actually wanted to be alone too, and THINK.
So I walked towards her while she was still talking to Andy, and I said something like "guys, I'm gonna head home. I'm dead." She looked at me and smiled, and I felt confident enough to touch her arm and add: "maybe we can get a coffee soon, or something?". And she said "yes, that sounds great!". That was all I needed.
Yeah, I practically ran home, and spent the rest of the day doing two things: sleeping, and looking at myself in the mirror (I do that a lot lately), trying to figure out who the hell I was. Who is this new Karen?
I have been so worried about what PAM is thinking or feeling, that I haven't really stopped to see what I think, and accept how my life is going to change.
Does it really have to change? Well, le's see: I just had sex with a woman. Does that mean anything?
What about the fact that I want to do it again? Does THAT mean something?
What do I do now? Like, do I have to come out of the closet and put a big "L" on my forehead? Hmmm...I don't know if I was ever in any closet to begin with, it was more like I was in limbo. I didn't crush on women for years and pretended to be straight. No, this process started just with Pam. And it feels so natural to me, what we did. Sleeping with her felt so right that I'm having a hard time reconciling it with the huge shock and distress that I always imagined would accompany a change in your sexual orientation.
I don't know how to approach all these thoughts, so I decide to make a mental list.
Okay. Things that I DON'T want to happen:
- I don't want to get my heart broken.
- I don't want Pam to decide that this was a mistake, and be awkward around me forever.
- I don't want Pam pitying me, if it turns out that I'm still interested in her and she's not interested in me.
- I don't want everyone in the office feeling sorry for me too because Pam dumped me (wow, my imagination really works fast. But hey, I really don't want that to happen! Even though Pam hasn't dumped me yet, because we're not even together...yet!).
I cannot think of anything else. Most of the things that I don't want to happen, I realize, are related to Pam and the future, whether we're together or not, and how that would affect work. But I don't seem to be terrified at the thought of admitting to have fallen for a woman. That doesn't seem to worry me that much. It's really nobody's business but mine, I guess.
I'll probably be singing a different tune when everybody knows the truth and starts judging me.
So now, at exactly...2:34 PM the next day, yes, we are back at the office. And I haven't had a chance to have that coffee with Pam yet. All the salesmen have been busy, including me, and the memories of my night of passion with the receptionist are starting to fade away a little, so I have to wonder if it really happened the way I remember it.
I start feeling a little down. Pam is probably forgetting what happened too. She's probably freaking out. She's probably wondering how to tell me that she is sorry, she wasn't herself that night, she doesn't understand how she could have done those things with me, etc etc. I am starting to get depressed.
All of a sudden, my computer beeps. It's the Messenger.
Message from PBEESLY:
"Did you know that that night you actually made me come?"
I snort. Loud. And then I receive another message:
"...TWICE?".
I obviously look at her desk, and see how she's pretending to be hard at work on something on her computer's screen. Hah! Well, she has done something hard: make me go from worried and busy to turned-on, in about 5 seconds.
I made her COME? TWICE?
Notice the spelling of "come". Pam's still a good little girl. She wouldn't type "C", "U", "M".
I almost want to scream, I want to gloat. I wanna go around telling everybody, "Guess who made Pam come twice, with these two hands?". But that'd be an asshole thing to do, so I won't.
Twice, huh? I rock.
"Reeeally," I type back. "No, I did not know that."
I think I should probably make some smart remark, but I cannot think of anything, so I just send her another message saying "Tell me more".
I see her smile, but she still won't look at me. This is really fun, actually. All of my fears are lifting away.
Message from PBEESLY:
"No way. I'm not an Erotic Chatline. You're not gonna get dirty details from me :0p".
She's being cute and flirty. I better step it up. I type: " But I've already seen YOUR dirty details".
"Not all of them". "There's more".
Hmmm...I can only imagine. Who knew Pam was a wiz at Messenger Flirting? I type: "You know I'm gonna see all of your details. You're begging to show them to me".
Message from PBEESLY:
" It's not that easy. This time it's gonna cost you".
Before I can think of something sassy and sexy to reply, Michael's voice brings me back to reality. Party Planning Committee, Conference Room!
Sadly, I must abandon the virtual back and forth we have going on, and go to the Conference Room. But I don't get to be sad for too long. All the ladies sit around the table and Michael sits at the head. And Pam, sitting right in front of me, looks very prim and proper, taking notes.
I feel her foot touching my calf, her toes sliding a little up my pant's leg. Yes, world: Pam is playing footsies with me.
This is unbelievable. Well, unbelievably hot.
I try to keep a serious face, while wondering again where is this crazy Pam coming from. Who knew she had this in her? Apparently, I've unleashed a beast.
I smile at the thought. But she needs to stop it, or somebody is gonna see. Or I'm gonna start heavy breathing. Or I'm gonna throw her against the wall and...wait, what did Michael just asked me? I have no idea, but I answer "absolutely", just in case. They all look at me like I'm an idiot. Pam smirks, and I see her lean on her chair a little. Next thing I know, her bare foot is exactly on my crotch. Just for one second, but it is. She says: "Karen, are you okay? You sound a little distracted. I could go over the details with you, if you wanted".
I want to laugh but I'm too aroused for that. Instead, I squint my eyes at her.
This flirtation is really, really fun, yes.
