Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. …what, did you expect something funny? Am I here to amuse you…? Oh, wait…yes, yes I am.
Nin Tech
Chapter 4: Psychos in Love, Teams in Distress
By Irritus185
Naruto slowly meandered through the forest. His Roketto Kutsu trampled over fallen leaves and branches, making crunching noises as he glided in a lazy zig-zag pattern around various bushes and trees. There was no purpose to his movements as he crossed his own trodden path again and again; he was just spending the day lazing about.
Every so often, Kakashi gave Team Seven a day off from their training and missions. He thought it would act as a way to make them more susceptible to his posing as a loving teacher. Technically he was just giving them the minimum number of vacation days Konoha's military laws required for genin so they wouldn't die from exhaustion. Still, his careful planning of when he actually gifted his troops with the free time, timing it just when they were nearing deadly fatigue, was quite masterful.
Naruto found it deliciously Machiavellian of the silver-haired jounin. He wholehearted approved of the ploy.
Still, the scarcity of days when he had nothing to do was quite high. Thanks to his generous application of the Kage Bunshin, he found that all of the projects that he'd had to put aside due to lack of time and manpower were already ahead of schedule. The Naru-kuns were currently in the process of finishing their own auto-updating system, and Metaru was spending the day over at Hana's so the veterinarian could work on his persona-protocols. Anko was in the middle of working at the Interrogation Department, and most of the other nins he associated with were currently on duty. His own team had left to do whatever they did when they weren't working.
Thus, left with an entire day with nothing for him to really do, Naruto decided to take a page out of the Naras' book and just spend the day enjoying whatever the natural wilderness of Konoha's less-used training grounds could afford him.
For once, his mind was not devising new ideas for jutsu or mechanical theories, simply floating from random thought to random thought without any real process or destination. To be honest, he found it thrilling how at peace he felt when his mind wasn't running on all cylinders, synapses crackling as electricity raised along his neurons…
Oops…he was falling into his inventor persona again.
Naruto gave a soft, soulful laugh as he deftly pirouetted around some roots that jutted out of the ground, forming a maze of flowing wood and dirt. It was almost as if the world was falling into perfect synchronization with his motions, dancing to a tune that neither it nor Naruto knew or cared about.
A melody quietly escaped from his lips, his humming filling the air with carefree tranquility. Ah, what was there to worry about? Friends, family, the world…it all meant nothing at this moment. Sure, he would have to return to his calling as future conqueror of existence, but he supposed his eventual followers could forgive him for this small indiscretion.
His swirling thoughts were broken when the sound of impacting objects and grunts of exertion floated into his ears. Naruto slowed down his skating, perplexed by the origin of the noises. He gave a small, vague shrug. Well, he might as well check it out.
Following the sounds, he eventually came across a small clearing in the woods, marked by several training dummies and targets. Kunai, shuriken, and senbon were littered across the place, most of them imbedded in the various bulleyes carefully positioned around the area. However, the scattered throwing weapons were not what caught his eye. No, it was something far more pure, beautiful and deadly.
Sleek steel gleamed in the sunlight, curving into a wicked edge and point. It stood on the end of carefully polished and maintained wood, formed into a long and thick pole. Where wood and metal met was a finely-woven veil of silk, crimson as blood as it waved back and forth in the gentle morning wind.
The guan dao swayed to and fro, deflecting the oncoming assaults of shadowed attackers, the veil flowing in a path of destruction. It feinted to the right before dashing forward, slicing through one of the training dummies right where its heart would be. The weapon receded before repeating the action, again and again as it brutally and efficiently ripped the straw effigy of a man to shreds. With one final thrust, the guan dao pierced its way through the stomach of the dummy.
Calloused hands let go of the weapon, moving to the side and back before a double-headed axe, the head as large as his arm, appeared in a flash of light and a puff of chakra. Where the guan dao had been exotic and exquisite in its dexterous handling, the axe was striking and cruel in its brute strength. It rose back before swinging in a horizontal sweep, catching the next dummy in the hip. The blade sunk in only an inch or so in before it was withdrawn. Legs jumped backwards, repelling off a tree before smoothly bringing the axe in a powerful, overhead chop, bisecting the dummy from head to groin.
Sweat trickled down toned muscles as another flash, another weapon came into existence. A huge scythe was brought into the world, its three-foot blade arced into a delightfully sadistic crescent moon. The hands tightened their hold before the owner's hips twisted and feet dug into the ground, the blade sowing a circle of death amongst the dummies. The scythe was dropped and a storm of kunai erupted from the center, striking the targets everywhere.
A second passed. Then two. Then three. With a despairing groan, the dummies slid off their bases, each falling perfectly backwards and landing with a muffled crash and clatter.
The hands reached up and removed the blindfold, revealing eyes that shined with a light just as sharp and dangerous as the weapons they wielded.
Naruto remembered to breathe. He took a gulp of air as he supported himself on a tree; his knees had gone weak. Only one thought revolved his mind as he watched the goddess take a look at her handiwork.
"She's perfect…"
His foot slipped forward from underneath him, breaking a twig with an audible 'snap.'
He barely had to time to realize his mistake before the kunai struck him between his brows.
NTNTNTNTNT
Tenten was in a foul mood, and when she was in a foul mood things tended to get stabbed.
A lot.
It wasn't like she'd had a particularly bad day. There were no problems at home, her training was progressing smoothly, and she was planning to have a good, long soak when she returned home.
It was just that her team drove her crazy sometimes.
Team nine was considered one of the oddest genin teams in Konoha. With a jounin instructor like Maito Gai, it was hard to think of them as anything else. The man was widely known throughout the hidden village for being a training-and-battle maniac, as well as for his fevered speeches about the "Flames of Youth" to all that would pay attention to him. He was a great and effective teacher, and even an acceptable father-figure, but the man had no concept of the word shame, and there were times when Tenten could barely restrain herself from launching a full volley of kunai at him, though it would have little effect.
The jounin's miniature copy was, perhaps, just as infuriating. Tenten liked Lee. The bowl-cut boy was great to hang around with, and a blast to watch whenever he somehow got his hands on some booze. His chakra defect made Tenten appreciate her own capabilities with sealing scrolls and ninjutsu, and she found his undying passion for becoming the best taijutsu master in the world to be ambitious, if perhaps just a bit selfish. But when he and Gai fell into one of those "sensei-Lee" fits, she usually found herself physically ill at the sight. It was embarrassing for heaven's sake!
Neji wasn't much better. Okay, yes, she found the Hyuuga prodigy to be insanely hot, and she had a great deal of respect for his goal of overthrowing the tyrannical relationship between the main and branch families of the Hyuuga, but his fate speeches truly got on her nerves after a while. She was not like the many fangirls of her year. She found Neji to be very handsome, but it didn't cloud her vision and keep her from realizing that, at times, he could be a bit – okay, a lot – of a whiner. Saying losers would be losers and were fated to fall beneath the feet of those above them was rather hypocritical considering Neji's own standing in his family politics.
Most of the time, she could deal with them. Yeah, she knew that she couldn't really point much of a finger due to her obsession – hobby, she meant hobby! –with weapons, but at least she didn't drag others into her world full of shiny, happy, pointy, sharp bliss.
Beautiful, lethal weapons with their alloy-compounds and fiery blacksmithing techniques and wonderful katas and conventional compositions and…
Ehem, right. She was beginning to lose herself again.
So when things became too much for her, she released the steam that had built up – via wanton destruction.
It felt so good to hold the weight of a real weapon in her hands, to shift along the pendulum of restraint and haphazard carnage. Tenten knew she wasn't like the other kunoichi – she preferred swords over dolls and sweating in a workout over pretend tea parties. Her clothes were not stylish or fashionable, consisting only of Chinese-styled pants and vests, but rather focused on functionality and durability. She was a tomboy both at heart and in looks. And the best part…?
She didn't give a flying rat's ass what anybody thought. She was going to be a famous kunoichi, just like her idol, Tsunade of the Sannin, and no one was gonna tell her otherwise.
She swept through the imaginary battlefield like a valkyrie of yore, her blood crying with the song of battle. Her covered eyes took down one phantom foe after another, her skin tingling with the crisp morning air.
When she was done with her mock assault, Tenten removed her blindfold. Looking around, she was impressed with her practice. She had cleanly cut down all of her intended targets, though it looked like she had to work on her arm strength as the last couple of dummies had a ragged gash through them compared to the clean cuts of the others. Plus, her thrown weapons were slightly off center. She had to work on negating the loss of equilibrium caused by her spin. Still…Her capabilities with melee weapons had grown incredibly.
"I did good…" she grinned, breathing only a little harder than when she started
Something snapped behind her. Adrenaline still coursing through her system, she instinctively grabbed a kunai and shot it at the sound.
She was rewarded with the clanging of muted metal and a screech of pain and surprise. Tenten followed the path of her attack and was horrified to find a body laid out on the forest floor. Oh no, did she hit someone?!
Rushing over, she knelt at the boy's side. Wringing her hands in worry, she searched for where her kunai must have stabbed him.
"Oh geeze, are you hurt?! Please don't be dead!"
Finding the injury, she was relieved to find only a small nick on his forehead and, luckily, it wasn't bleeding. The kunai must have glanced off his skull. Tenten found herself half-disappointed with her throw, knowing that it would never ward off an attacker, and half-happy that she hadn't murdered some random citizen.
She took the time to look at the boy. He was scrawny, with a wild mop of blond hair, though the whisker markings were kind of cute. Her eyes darted to the hitai-ite secured around his neck. The blonde must be one of the rookies that just graduated; no way would anyone else be hit by that attack.
Strange though, she did think the boy looked familiar…
The boy groaned. Opening his eyes, he blearily looked up at her. Tenten sighed. Great, he had already regained consciousness. Though, by the look of his dilated pupils, the boy was probably suffering from a concussion. Being in a team of taijutsu freaks gave her the chance to see quite clearly what the symptoms of that particular ailment were.
Tenten raised a hand. "Good, you're awake. Tell me, how many fingers am I holding up?"
The boy said nothing. Tenten was worried that something worse was afflicting him, and thinking about taking him to a hospital, when he suddenly jumped to his feet and started shouting in a voice disturbingly reminiscent of the "colored beasts."
The fact that he was saying it in ye olde tongue made Tenten begin to worry for her safety.
Then things got worse.
So, so much worse.
NTNTNTNTNT
When Naruto opened his eyes, he was blinded by a vision of such unparalleled beauty that he could do naught but stare in wonder.
An angel outlined in a halo of light stared down at him with infinite tenderness and love. Who was this marvelous beauty that looked at him with eyes of gold and honey? She was saying something to him, and he struggled to hear her velvet words, but the ringing in his head prevented him from doing so. Still, he had a clue as to what she was saying –
And he would respond to those passionate feelings!
Jumping up, Naruto gave a low bow, his knees bending as he swept a hand at the lady. She glanced at him coyly as he spoke.
"My fair maiden, verily am I overjoyed to say that I accept thy words of compassion and care with all my heart. For it be with great pleasure that I may stand in the presence of such a beauty as thou. Please, what is thy name?!"
"Tenten…Tenten Chang'e," she stuttered out.
"Tenten! Ah, such a beautiful name! Mine, my dear maiden, is Naruto Uzumaki, future ruler of the world!"
He pushed a fist to his heart and raised his head, noting that she studiously observed his every move. Ah, yes! He was winning her over! "It must have been fate that brought us star-crossed lovers to this point! And though thou may have struck me down with all thy glory, know that I was not affected, for I was struck down not by violence, but by love!"
Naruto knelt on one knee, grabbing the maiden's hands and clasping them lovingly with his own. "Though we may have just met, I know with all my heart that we were meant for each other. And so, though it embarrasses me to be so upfront with my desires, I have one request I must make of you." He pulled the goddess closer, so close their lips almost touched.
"Please, I beg of thee. Bear my children!"
Tenten took the time to go over the situation.
…
Yup, that was enough.
With pure clarity, she fell back on the physical teachings of Gai and immediately made her counterattack.
Standing up, she spun on her toes and performed a perfect roundhouse kick, catching the creepy kid under the chin with a cry of "Pervert!", launching him through the air and causing him to smash into one of the trees behind him.
Naruto shook his head as felt himself regain full control of his body. Ah, so embarrassing to lose control of his actions like that! He glanced sheepishly at the girl who had attacked him in self-defense. She was watching him cautiously, though there was still a bit of concern in her body language. He laughed nervously.
"Ah ha ha, sorry 'bout that."
Tenten narrowed her eyes. "You're not gonna try anything stupid again, are you?" She retrieved the guan dao from the dummy, leveling it at him threateningly. "Because if you do, I'm not going to hold back this time."
"You were holding back?" Naruto prodded at his jaw. Yup, definitely dislocated. So that's why it hurt to talk. He slammed a palm into his jaw from below, popping it back into place. "Awesome! Err…I mean…" The brunette glared at him. He chuckled. "Um, no, that won't happen again." He made sure to be perfectly still, lest he be skewered like Anko's beloved dango. "I think I'm a bit woozy after you hit me."
Tenten quirked an eyebrow. "The kunai or the kick?"
Naruto shifted his jaw a bit before looking back at her. "Yes."
She stared at him for another second before sighing and putting herself at ease, lobbing the guan dao up so the wooden pole was stuck in the ground. She leaned on it, pursing her lips. "You always hit on girls in such an antiquated fashion?" she asked sarcastically.
"Only the cute ones," he responded. She snorted in response. Naruto frowned. "And when I'm suffering from mild head trauma," he added as an afterthought.
That caused her to laugh a bit. "There'd definitely have to be something wrong with your brain if you think something like that would work on girls."
"You'd be surprised." Naruto stood up, brushing away the dirt and crushed leaves from his clothes. "Girls usually fall for the delirious-noble-samurai-guy crap."
Tenten snorted again. "I'm not like most girls."
"So I noticed."
A real smile surfaced from Tenten's lips. Hmm…maybe there was more to this blonde weirdo than she first thought. She shrugged and turned around, going to pick up the various weapons she had dropped around the training ground. "My name is Tenten, in case that second blow knocked the memory out."
The boy grinned maliciously. "Naruto Uzumaki, future leader of the Elemental countries."
Tenten turned around. "You were serious with that? I thought it was just part of your spiel."
Naruto smirked and rocked back and forth on his heels. "Oh, I'd never joke about that. I'm quite serious about my ambitions of world domination."
"Oh really?" she smiled sardonically. "And how exactly do you plan on doing that? Last I heard the various countries weren't exactly clambering to be taken over."
"Ah, Tenten, don't ya believe in me?" The weapon mistress turned around, the axe hanging at her hip, both her hands placed on either side of her waist. Her expression was a mix of disbelief and playful curiosity. Naruto stuck his tongue out. "I'm gonna become Hokage, and then make my way across the continent, taking over every country that's in my way. Soon, no one will be able to walk around without knowing the name Naruto Uzumaki and the significance it holds! I'll become a household name! They'll even name a brand after me – Uzumaki, Inc! Yeah!"
Tenten couldn't help but laugh at the proud look on the shorter boy's face. He was a strange kid, but he was certainly interesting to be around. He'd fit right in on her team.
Tenten took the time to shudder. She didn't want to think how the boy's attitude would react to Gai and Lee.
For some reason, a sense of foreboding swept over her for a moment and then was gone the next.
It's not wise to tempt Lady Luck, especially when she has such a vested interest in the lad.
She called over to Naruto. "Well, are you just gonna stand there, or are you gonna tell me why you were here in the first place?" No harm in having a conversation with the boy. What was the worst that could happen?
He shrugged and pulled a shuriken out of a target. Spinning it expertly on his finger, he said, "Nothing really. Heard some noise and thought I'd check it out. Saw ya playing with those weapons, and, well…"
Tenten scowled as she waited for the condescending insults that would come. Every boy she had met, with the exception of her teammates, said it was stupid for a girl to be a ninja. Kunoichi could never be as good as male shinobi, so why even bother? 'Course, she kicked their asses quickly after that, but their sentiments never changed.
And just when she met someone who might actually become a friend, he had to go and ruin it by -
"You were kickass! Man, the way you handled those weapons was awesome!"
-complimenting her skills? Tenten's mouth hung open a bit as Naruto blithely continued his assessment.
"You're still a bit clunky with your movements, but the way you seamlessly switch between weapon styles is great. Wielding a halberd then an axe has to be hard; the weight distribution is completely different, and you have to shift your center of gravity to accommodate the change. A beginner can't do that, and yet you do it so easily and quickly!"
Tenten's mouth grew dry. "You…you actually noticed?"
"Uh-huh! I know a bit about weapons, so…" He walked over and picked up the scythe, weighing it in his hands. "Take this one, for instance." He looked down the edge. "You used a ferric-titanium alloy for the blade, right?"
Tenten jumped at the opportunity to flaunt her weapon and metallurgy knowledge. "Yeah! It's just as hard as normally tempered steel but has a twenty percent reduction in its weight, leading to easier handling."
Naruto walked over to a decapitated dummy and gave it a practice swing. "But scythes rely on the momentum of the swing to deal damage. If you decrease the weight, then it won't cause as much of a wound."
She nodded and plucked it from his hands. Running her finger across the blade, she explained, "I know, that's why I increased the angle of its arc. By doing so, it cuts quicker, making it less necessary to add extra force to achieve the same effect."
Naruto grinned. "I hadn't considered that…Oh! Did you hear about this? If you mix iron shavings and hand soap, you can…"
For the next couple hours, the two discussed various blacksmithing and weapon usage tips. Tenten was absolutely delighted that she had found someone who would talk to her about her favorite subject and could actually keep up with her theories. Normally whenever she got started on weapons, the person would politely talk to her for a little while, but would be quickly scared off by some of her more radical ideas.
Naruto…was in heaven. Why did he not meet this girl before? Where was she all his life?! What had he been doing when such an exquisite woman was there all along?!
Ironically, the two had met during the one year they shared at the ninja academy. However, at the time, Tenten was too focused on her studies, and Naruto was, well…too Naruto-ish to actually care about women.
Yes, they are idiots, aren't they?
Tenten caught herself before her words became too rapid for human comprehension. It was absolutely thrilling to have someone to talk to like this! "So, how come you're so knowledgeable about weapons? I mean, I'm the daughter of blacksmiths, so it's in my blood, but how about you, Naruto-kun? What's your reason?"
A devilish grin crept onto Naruto's face. He fished inside his duster for a bit before pulling out a small, multi-faceted and segmented orb. "This is why I like weapons so much."
Tenten narrowed her eyes as she scrutinized the ball. "What is it? Looks like a huge playing dice." It looked like a metal ball that had been folded and twisted in on itself again and again.
"This is a specialty of mine. I call them Kinzoku jutsu. Think of them as a new elemental technique that revolves around weapons."
She had to prevent herself from drooling as she considered the possibilities of his words. "What…what does it do?" she asked giddily.
His grin grew even nastier. "Wanna find out?"
She merely nodded. The blonde chuckled and grabbed her hand, dragging her behind one of the trees. Putting his finger to his lips, he gathered the orb in one hand and pressed down on a small indentation that vaguely fitted his thumb. Naruto kissed the device. "Fly, my Shuriken Shoutotsu."
With a fling of his arm, he tossed the jutsu into the clearing. It seemed to hang in the air before rapidly unfolding. With a cacophony of ticking, clockwork connectors unwound from each other to form small daggers that snapped around into shuriken. The mini-weapons flung themselves en mass around the training ground, slicing into trees and ricocheting off objects as they searched for whatever targets they could slash.
After what seemed like forever, the shuriken finally expended their structure and broke, tinkling to the ground in a rain of scrap metal. Naruto stood up and looked at what madness he had wrought.
The clearing was even worse for wear than before. Thousands of nicks and cuts covered every tree, dummy, and target. This was no large-scale destruction, but rather an infinite number of grazes that wore everything down to the bitter core.
The jinchuuriki turned to see what kind of reaction was on Tenten's face. He was baffled to see not shocked awe, but a rather evil glee that was all her own. The weapon mistress took a look at what the boy's weapon had done before glancing back at him. She smirked.
"Not bad. But it's still nothing compared to my techniques."
Naruto rose to her challenge. "Oh, really? I'd like to see that."
"You asked for it."
Twin scrolls shot to her hands and were unfurled. The eloquent calligraphy glowed briefly before the clearing was shrouded in smoke, and two dragons flew into the sky.
"Soushouryuu!"
That clinched it. He was so in love.
NTNTNTNTNT
Today was a magnificent day to be alive.
Naruto hummed a mindless tune as he floated down the street. An eerie smile was plastered on his face and had refused to leave for the last hour.
People instinctively moved to the other side of the street to avoid the boy. Rumors about him had led to the belief that when he owned such an expression, things tended to have their anatomical structure disintegrated in various unpleasant ways.
To be honest, they weren't that far off. It was more of a weakening of the molecular structure of objects via meticulous, pinpoint ruin, leading to a chemical reaction of epic proportions, but the result was essentially the same.
Boom-boom.
Seems like Konoha's citizens can learn not to step on the fox's tail. Good for them; they'll live longer.
Naruto brushed aside the banner for Ichiraku's, stepping happily into the ramen stand. He had to celebrate such a glorious event, and what better way than with a bowl of the best food in town? He was surprised to find that Anko was already there, splitting her attention halfway between eating a bowl of ramen and sniping at the daughter of the stand's owner.
"Anko-hime, Ayame-nee-chan," he muttered dreamily. "How are you?"
Anko spun around so quickly her neck almost snapped. Her eyes widened evilly at the boy, a perverted leer spreading to her lips. "Naru-chan!" she squealed. "Whatever are you doing here?"
"He's probably here for his favorite dish, Anko-san." Ayame frowned stormily when Anko ensnared the young boy by his shoulders. Why that little… "What I don't understand is why you're here. Didn't you say our food was 'pig slop?'"
"When you're starving, even garbage seems appetizing," Anko grinned back nastily.
The two stared at each other with unveiled hatred. Anko's hands twitched at her kunai holder while Ayame gripped her ladle so hard her knuckles turned white and popped. Teuchi came out from the back, wiping his hands on his apron. Seeing his best customer at his reserved stool, a fond smile appeared. He began walking towards the boy.
"Naruto-kun! How are you-"
"Dad!" Ayame barked.
"Right, back I go." The man made a strategic retreat back into the kitchen.
Ayame broke her Medusa glare from Anko, her face totally transforming into a sweet, tender smile as she focused back on her snuggle-toy. "What can I get for you, Naruto-kun?" she asked, her voice dripping with saccharine.
"One 'Naruto special,' please," Naruto responded, his tone still distracted.
Ayame nodded and yelled the order back to Teuchi, who wisely decided not to say anything back. Ayame leaned on the counter with her elbows, chin in hands, just looking at the blonde.
Anko snapped up a clump of noodles and looked at the boy. Naruto was acting strange. Well, stranger than normal anyway. "What's up with you, Naru-chan? Your brain finally melt 'cause of all those fumes you inhale?"
Naruto glanced at Anko before sighing joyfully. "I'm in love."
The stand froze.
"Ahh…" he continued, unmindful of the change in his environment. "My beautiful metal goddess…"
The air became heavier, harder to breathe. Storm clouds started to gather around the marketplace, laden with lightning that flashed cruelly.
Several civilians gave cries of fright as rodents and vermin came flocking down the streets and into the woods in waves, as if chased by some unknown, ferocious entity.
Anko bit cleanly through her chopsticks. Ayame's hair frizzled out as the bowl in her hands crumbled to dust. In the darkness of the oncoming storm, their eyes had an unearthly amber glow.
"Oh…really?" Anko's voice was cracked, deepening and increasing in pitch at random. "That's nice…"
"Yes…very, very…nice." Ayame's smile grew wider, making her lips look like they had split her head horizontally. "What's the name of…of this girl?"
"Tenten…" Naruto murmured.
Tenten…
The whisper hung in the air, sinister and waiting. For years to come, people would hear it quietly echo in the dark of night, and feel as though their very soul was being stolen from out of their body.
"And what does she look like?"
Naruto sighed again. "Her hands are burnt by the roaring flames of progress, her fingers cut by her sensuous dance with metal and its children. Those hands are so soft with newborn objects, and yet so hard when reaping the lives of others."
"How about something a little more definite?"
"She smells like oil and burning wood, of sweat and sparks."
"No, like hair and eye color."
"Her hair is the finest silk, bereft of any flaws, and her eyes shine like diamonds waiting to cut through any that oppose her."
Anko's fingers ripped off a chunk of the counter. Ayame went through another two bowls.
"No, I mean is she blonde or a redhead? Does she have green or blue eyes? How easily does she bleed, and is her neck thin enough to wrap your hands around?"
Naruto paused. He pursed his lips together and thought on it, his eyes darting up and to the right. He shrugged. "I don't know." He looked down to see his order in front of him. "Waaaii! Ramen!" He quickly dove in.
Ayame and Anko stood stock-still. Someone was threatening their share of blonde ass. Someone had to die a very nasty, disturbing, and nightmare-inducing death. And then, when it was over, Naruto would come for comfort and he would hug them and pet them and kiss them and take off his pants…
Teuchi watched from the safety of his workspace after sneaking Naruto's order to him. The two women were off in fantasy-land, their face caught in a cycle of lust and glee. Naruto, blissfully ignorant, ravaged his meal.
Teuchi sighed. He had tried so hard to raise Ayame as a single father after his wife died, and now the teenaged girl was considering murder and statutory rape, not necessarily in that order.
He cried silently, his tears mixing in with the broth.
Oh…where had he gone wrong?
NTNTNTNTNT
"Team Seven reporting the completion of their mission."
"Ah, thank you, Kakashi. Now-" Sarutobi looked up from the mission assignments and stopped midway. An eyebrow rose in annoyed bemusement. "Care to tell me what happened this time?"
Team Seven was not in the best post-mission shape. Every member was covered in soot, burned in various places, and smoking slightly. Kakashi looked amused, Sakura seemed extremely bothered, Sasuke had his customary blank scowl, and Naruto was grinning proudly. Tora meowed a puff of smoke from on top his perch of Naruto's head, random singed splotches all over his fur.
"Maa, during our capture of Tora, the target got into another scuffle with the genin, and Naruto became a little too trigger-happy with his explosives." Another being the third time in two weeks. Honestly, the cat had better stealth and escape skills than most genin!
Naruto pounded out a thumbs-up. "It was a battle for the ages!"
Sakura smacked him in the back of the head. "You set fire to the area! And then you blew it up some more!"
Naruto grinned sheepishly. "Well, you know what they say about 'fight fire with fire.'"
"They don't mean it literally!"
"Sasuke-kun didn't seem too bothered with following through with that saying. By the way…" He turned to the Uchiha scion and swatted his shoulder. "Awesome application of the Goukakyu! You got, like, twenty square feet off that technique!"
Sasuke coughed and looked off to the side, but the small smirk on his lips was unmistakable.
"Yes, well…" Kakashi shrugged and turned back to Sarutobi. "You get the basic gist of it."
"Of course." Sarutobi signaled that Naruto hand over the cat to his owner, the Fire damiyo's wife. The cat did not seem pleased with the situation, but his bionic body could easily withstand even a ton of pressure, so the woman's death-holds were little more than an annoyance. Naruto saluted the brave cat's plight regardless. Seeing that the client was satisfied, Sarutobi turned back to the genin squad. "Now, as for your next mission-"
"Ho, my eternal rival, Kakashi! It would seem we meet again!"
Kakashi mentally sighed. He knew that voice. Turning around, he found the Great Green Beast of Konoha, with his genin team, grinning at him predatorily. Oh great, he just ran into with the man last week. And now he'd meet Gai when both of their teams were in tow? He could already hear the declaration that the taijutsu expert would-
"I knew that you had a cute genin team to call your own, but this is the first time I've seen them! They look like they have the flames of youth within them! How marvelous!"
Yep, there it was.
Kakashi fell back on his tried-and-true method of dealing with the man. Flipping out his Icha Icha, he shoved his nose into it while giving off a disinterested tone. "Hmm? You say something?"
"Ohhhh!" Gai shouted, his teeth sparkling. "I was waiting for that hip reply, my rival!"
Naruto had a very different reaction when he saw who else was in the spandex-man's team. "Tenten!" he squealed with delight.
Tenten thought she recognized that wild bush of blond hair. "Hi, Naruto-kun," she responded politely. She hadn't seen the boy in the few days since their first meeting. The two never thought to make a second appointment. "How've you been?"
"Oh, I'm great!" Naruto was so happy! He got to meet his metal goddess again! Oh, his face was growing so flushed, and his head becoming so hot! He noted how Tenten, not to mention the rest of her team, was staring at him. No, don't look at me so passionately! I'll burst into flames!
"Naruto, your hair's on fire."
Naruto broke out his ardor-induced daze and patted the top of his head. "Aw man, again?" He thought his hair was still smoldering!
He was splashed with water, extinguishing the flame. Looking to the side, he saw Sakura holding an empty glass with an exasperated look on her face. Naruto smiled. "Thanks, Sakura-chan!"
Gai faltered for a second before shifting into his Flaming demeanor. "I see that one of your students truly has the flames of youth within him, Kakashi!"
Kakashi winced. "That was in poor taste, even for your, Gai."
Gai laughed, ignoring the insult. "Very well, allow me to introduce my own cute students! This is Tenten Chang'e, Neji Hyuuga, and my cutest disciple, Rock Lee!" He slapped both hands on the boy's shoulder with a fond, paternal smile.
Tenten waved at Team Seven. "Nice to meet you."
Neji merely gave a glance before shutting his eyes. "Good afternoon."
Lee clenched a fist. "Ohhh! It is a pleasure to meet all of you!"
Sakura, feeling that it was polite to give their own introductions, started first. "My name's Sakura Haruno."
Sasuke hnn'ed. "Sasuke Uchiha."
Naruto snapped a thumb at his face. "And I'm Naruto Uzumaki, future ruler of the world!"
The people who had heard his 'unique' introduction before blanched. Was he going to say the same thing to every person that he met?
"Yosh! That is indeed a youthful goal!" Gai cried out. Several people covered their ears at the deafening noise. "My own student, Lee, is attempting to become the best taijutsu specialist in the world!"
"And if I do not reach that goal, I will run five-hundred laps around Konoha!"
"And if you cannot finish, I will do a thousand push-ups with just my pinky finger!"
"Gai-sensei!"
"Lee!"
"Gai-sensei!"
"Lee!"
The other two members of team Gai turned pale. Tenten tackled a random passer-by chunin while Neji did the same to another. "Duck and cover!"
Kakashi blocked the sight of Gai and Lee colliding with his body from Sakura and Sasuke. He didn't worry too much about Naruto. Kakashi doubted that it could make the boy any worse, mentally.
Thus, Naruto caught the full brunt of the "Sunset and Sea" illusion. He froze. When the two green-clad males separated, he did nothing for a few seconds, and then began stroking his chin.
"Interesting. A genjutsu caused by the amalgamation of two highly emotional reactions, creating a unique brainwave that directly attacks the psyche via the optical nerve." He tapped his lips. "I wonder if it can be used for interrogation purposes…Ibiki-kun should be told of this discovery."
The entire room felt as though the Apocalypse had descended, save for Lee and Gai. Kakashi shivered as something gripped his heart when Naruto spun around to stare at him, a curious look in his eyes.
"Kakashi-sensei!"
Kakashi instinctively smacked the boy across the room. Naruto crashed through two desks and a bookshelf before jumping up and trying to tackle the jounin again.
"Kakashi-sensei!"
The others watched a human-sized version of pinball being played as Naruto catapulted around the room, knocking over furniture and people in his quest to hug the silver-haired jounin. The deadly battering continued for several minutes before Kakashi finally grabbed the blonde and suplexed him into the ground. He was startled when it burst into smoke.
Looking around, he was annoyed to see everyone laughing at him. "Where'd he go?" Kakashi growled out.
Sarutobi waved his pipe at the door. "He chased after Gai's team after the eighth try. Something about getting bored. His teammates followed him. The genin really seemed to hit it off."
Kakashi felt something break deep inside of him.
NTNTNTNTNT
"Yosh! I'm glad to see my students getting along so well with my eternal rival's! This will be the start of a wonderful friendship!"
"Whoo!"
Sakura and Sasuke shared a glance with each other. They still couldn't believe Naruto had so easily slipped a clone into his attack on Kakashi. They didn't notice the switch at all until he had gone chasing after Gai and his team, talking animatedly with them like they had been dear friends since birth. Seeing that their sensei was preoccupied, they decided to just hell with it and check out the other team as well.
It was a…most enlightening experience. Gai was probably as strange as Kakashi was, just in a different manner.
The scariest part of the interaction between both teams had to be Naruto's behavior around Tenten. The boy acted so much like a fangirl that it even perturbed Sakura. What compounded the horror was what the two were discussing. As soon as they had caught up, the weapon-obsessed maniacs had sunk into a fevered conversation about the pros and cons of various bladed instruments that contained the words "wound," "blood," and "massive, soul-wrenching pain" much too often.
As one, the remaining four genin looked at each other, a single thought passing through their gaze.
Oh gods, not another one.
Gai took it another way, which, sadly and terrifyingly, was so much closer to the truth and yet so much farther away at the same time. "Yosh! It seems the flames of youth have brought Tenten-chan and Naruto-kun into a wonderful, blooming relationship!"
Tenten flushed at the implication and chucked a kunai at her teacher. "Gai-sensei! It's not like that!" She didn't hit him.
Naruto tittered and covered his blushing cheeks. "Kyah, Gai-sensei! You're embarrassing me!"
The bomb he had rolled at Gai's feet did not miss.
The remains of Team Gai blinked at the pockmark that had once been their jounin teacher. Then they looked at Naruto. The boy was still giggling and blushing furiously as though he had not just blown up someone. Sakura and Sasuke just twitched a couple times, but for the most part took it in stride.
"It would appear that the flames of youth burn even brighter in you than I had originally anticipated! Superb!" Everyone except Naruto swiveled to find Gai none the worse for wear, excluding the singing of his massive eyebrows. "Though, perhaps it would be best that I keep my mouth shut concerning the youthfulness of my students' romantic endeavors."
"That's right, Gai-sensei! You should know that a maiden's heart is a very pure and delicate thing!"
Tenten coughed at the stern look in Naruto's eyes. Well, it was kind of nice for him to protect her honor…sort of…maybe? "Um, thanks, Naruto-kun?"
"I was talking about my heart!"
Hear that muted, exploding noise? That's the sound of a mass aneurysm!
"Besides, it's obvious I like Tenten! She's a girl, she makes her own weapons, and then she stabs things with them! What much more does a guy need?!"
There went a second collective brain burst, this time accompanied by a facial capillary implosion in a certain bun-haired girl's face.
Lee was the first to recover from the sudden brain hemorrhage. His boiling blood was particular useful for curing massive internal bleeding! "Yosh! Naruto-san's youthful exclamation has made me want to make my own!" He turned his fierce eyes to Sakura. The girl, like most animals, realized her own imminent doom. "Sakura-san! Please be mine! It was love at first sight! I promise I'll protect you with my life!" His teeth shined with an ephemeral brightness
Naruto cupped his hands around his mouth. "Whoo! Go for it, Lee-senpai!"
Sakura jerked back as though she had been hit with a right-cross. "Ewww, no way! You're totally out of line!"
Lee's head sunk at the harsh refusal. Gai materialized next to him and slapped him on the shoulder. "Do not worry, my cute student! Simply keep trying and get stronger, and I'm sure Sakura-kun will eventually fall for you!"
"No, I won't!"
Lee looked up, tears gathered in his eyes. "R-really, Gai-sensei?"
"Of course!"
"Gai-sensei!"
"Lee!"
Gai-sensei!"
Cue insanity-causing hug. Naruto was, once again, the only person to watch them. Something twinged in the back of his brain.
I taste purple.
"Gai-sensei! I can feel the flames roaring in my soul again!" Lee twisted and settled in a taijutsu stance. "Sasuke Uchiha, I challenge you to a match! I wish to test my prowess against the scion of Konoha's famous Uchiha clan!"
Sasuke shook his head to rid it of the remaining blood build-up, his lips curling into his self-important sneer. "And why should I accept?"
"Because if as the rookie of this year's genin, you should be prepared to fight for the worthiness of that title."
"Interesting…" Sasuke swiped a finger across his nose and tensed up, his right foot sliding back. "Fine then, I accept."
"Yeah, it's a duel! Let's see some dirty fighting! I wanna see someone get kicked in the family jewels!'
"For once in your life, Naruto-dobe, shut up!"
"Ho…this looks like it'll be an exciting match-up." Gai intervened between the two genin. He smiled at Sasuke. "Your sensei and I have been rivals for a long time now. The score between us is forty-eight to forty-eight. It'll be interesting to see how his students do against my own. Should it work out the way I think, I'll have another victory to hold over him."
Sasuke smirked. "Don't think I'll lose so easily. Your student will be the one to hang his head in shame."
"Yosh! I'm all fired up!"
Naruto watched as Gai set up the rules. When the two began their fight, he ignored it for something more worthy of his time. He knew how this match would end, after all. Natural talent versus hellish training and hard work – the ultimate rivalry. Still, Sasuke was going to have to swallow a very bitter pill. Walking over to Neji, he caught the Hyuuga's attention.
"Yo, Neji-han!"
The long-haired boy spared one look with his milky white eyes before looking back at the fight. He wanted to see Sasuke's fighting style; he had no time for some stupid loser. "What do you want?"
"Nothing." Naruto put his hands behind his head. "Just thought we could talk."
"I have no words for a loser like you."
"Really? That sounds a little harsh considering we've just met."
"Fate decides all matters of a person's life at birth. I knew from the moment that I saw you that fate had ordained you as below others, including myself."
"And Sasuke-kun isn't?"
"He is of a noble birth, and therefore deserves the respect given to him."
"'Cause of the Sharingan being a derived version of the Byakugan?"
Neji subtly looked at Naruto. It was a mostly-unknown fact that the Uchiha's cherished doujutsu was a further mutation of the Hyuuga's. Only a handful of people outside either clan knew of it, and yet somehow this know-nothing brat had found it out. There was more to Naruto than he had initially assumed.
"That is correct." He directed his attention back to the spar.
Naruto leaned forward, twiddling his thumbs. "Yeah, but I hear that both of your clans aren't on very good terms with each other." He slightly turned his head ever so much. "I guess main and branch families and clans will never quite get along. You could almost say it's a cursed relationship."
Neji swung over to face Naruto. "What did you-"
"Ooh! That's gotta hurt!" Naruto jumped up from his seat, running to the finished fight.
Sasuke had taken a sharp kick to the chin, sending him flying up and crashing back to the ground. Sakura squealed in concern and rushed to the defeated boy's side, helping him up. Sasuke shoved her attentive hand away, rubbing the bruise that was forming on his jaw and scowling at the crowing victor.
"I won, Gai-sensei! I won!"
"Very good, Lee! I'm proud of you!"
"Lee, you jerk! How dare you hurt Sasuke-kun like that?!"
Lee wilted under Sakura's verbal barrage. "But…but Sakura-san, I was just…"
"Now, now, Sakura-chan." Naruto patted the pinkette's shoulder. She shivered at his tone and smile. "He did his very best. You can't insult Lee-senpai just 'cause he won. It's insulting to Sasuke who also did his best. Why, I'm sure that after Sasuke-kun trains some more, he'll be able to beat Lee-senpai without breaking a sweat!" Naruto bent over and smiled at the kneeling boy. "Ain't that right?"
Sasuke paused in his harsh retort. There was something in Naruto's eyes that was familiar, nostalgic. What was it…? Sasuke shook his head and chuckled under his breath. The smirk whipped itself back across his face. He stood up. "Yeah, next time, you're dead meat."
"Yosh! I look forward to the rematch!"
"Wow!" Naruto clapped his hands together loudly. "After seeing such an awesome fight, I wanna have a scuffle, too! Lee-senpai! How 'bout a quick bout?!"
"Naruto!" Sakura yelled. "If Sasuke-kun couldn't beat Lee, what makes you think you can?! You could never beat Sasuke-kun once!"
"Awww…Come on, Sakura-chan…!"
Tenten joined the conversation, Naruto's pseudo confession still lingering in her mind. "Naruto-kun, you really should reconsider." He was a nice guy, if probably completely bonkers, but she didn't want to see him beaten to a pulp. "Lee-kun's one of the genin's prestige taijutsu users."
Naruto's eyes sparkled. "Aw, Tenten, you care!"
"Yeah, of course I do. You're a friend," she said, emphasizing the word. She didn't want to lead the boy on, after all. "And friends don't let other friends get their skulls caved in."
"I'm sure Lee-senpai wouldn't go that far, right?"
"Yosh! Though I would never do so intentionally, I'm afraid my youthfulness may sometimes leap out of my control!"
"See? It's fine!"
"It's not fine at all!"
"Irregardless! Lee-senpai!" Naruto brandished his hand in a 'come forth' gesture. "I challenge you to a duel!"
"I accept! Though because of Sakura-san's and Tenten-san's concerns, I will do so with a handicap!" Lee wrapped a cloth around his left arm and secured it around his waist. "I will fight you with one hand tied!"
"Oh, Lee! Your thoughtfulness makes me swell with pride!"
"Gai-sensei!"
"Lee!" The group looked at Naruto. He shrugged. "What? I wanna fight. Oh, that reminds me. Hey, Sasuke-kun!"
"What?"
"I bet ya that I'll beat Lee-senpai when you couldn't!"
"I doubt that."
"Does that mean you'll accept…?"
Sasuke's eyebrows twitched at Naruto's happy-go-lucky tone. "Yeah, sure, whatever."
"Okay, then! You'll owe me one favor if I win the bet…"
"Fine." He scowled at Naruto's gleeful face. What the heck was the psychotic dobe planning? Maybe he shouldn't have accepted the bet. Well, he was in for it now, so he might as well go along for the ride.
The contenders took their spots at the makeshift arena. Lee settled back into his Gouken stance. Naruto just put his weight on his right leg, his arms looped behind his head. He grinned at Lee's confused stare and motioned for him to begin. Lee took the offer and started.
He darted across the field, striking Naruto straight in the face with a punch. Naruto went flying back, his arms flailing around. Lee felt a small jerk on his arm when he pulled back, but found nothing there.
Naruto put a thumb to his nose, wiping away the blood. "That was great, Lee-senpai! I couldn't even see ya move!"
Lee swallowed nervously. "Naruto-san, are you sure you wish to continue?"
"Of course! C'mon, hit me with yer best shot!"
Lee shakily accepted and rushed in again. Each time he lashed out, Naruto took the blow head-on. He could barely dodge each hit, even with Lee restrained to three limbs, and his attempted attacks were pathetic by comparison, each one missing the mark by a mile. What was strange, however, was not Naruto's enthusiasm in being hit and refusal to quit, but rather the speed at which the boy recovered and the tug on Lee's arm or legs each time he attacked with them.
With each pull, the sensation became clearer and easier to distinguish. It was cold and hard and thick, wrapping around him before suddenly disappearing before he had the chance to see the culprit. It bothered him, but he would not split his attention when Naruto was obviously giving Lee all of his.
Lee saw Naruto falter and decided to end it. No use in stretching out what was nothing more than a public beating. He ran forward, intending to knock Naruto down in one decisive blow. His foot reached forward.
Naruto grinned capriciously. "Got'cha!" He snapped his fingers.
The dirt underneath Lee's foot glowed blue before lightning struck his leg and traveled up his spine. Lee was paralyzed for a moment. It was all the chance Naruto needed.
"Kinton: Hebi Kusari!"
Chains erupted from Naruto's sleeves, two from each one. They undulated like living snakes before striking their victim. The chains wrapped themselves around the spandex-clad genin, glowing with a small blue haze of chakra. Lee found himself totally bound by the combination of the paralysis seal and chakra-enhanced shackles. He recognized the feel of the metal; it was what had kept tugging at him! Naruto grinned in triumph. But still, he had to make sure…Retrieving a capsule from his coat, he tossed it at Lee.
"Yay! I win!"
Lee watched as the capsule drew closer. Did this mean he lost? He lost to someone who used cheap tricks? No! He wouldn't allow this! He wouldn't! Straining against his binding, Lee grabbed the chains. "I won't lose! Not like this!"
With a bestial yell, Lee pulled as hard as he could. Naruto was yanked off his feet and towards the boy. His eyes widened as the capsule opened with him in the proximity of the blast.
Green gel exploded from the bomb, swelling up to huge proportions and swallowing up the two genin inside of it. When it grew to its full size, a loud, long hiss escaped, and before long the gel became firm and spongy. Naruto and Lee looked at each from a foot away, but their limbs couldn't move enough for them to escape. Naruto tilted his head and laughed.
"Oops! Guess that didn't work as well as I thought! You yanked me over really hard, Lee-senpai! It was like I was flying!"
Lee frowned. "I am disappointed, Naruto-san. I had thought the duel we would have would be an honorable and fair one, and not involve cheap parlor tricks."
Naruto smiled crookedly. "We're ninja, Lee-senpai. We're supposed to fight dirty. But I know what you mean. Still, did you really think you were the only one who put all his worth into being the best at one thing? You're not the only one who sacrificed something." Lee's eyes grew confused. Naruto leaned forward and whispered something into his ear then gently rapped his skull against Lee's.
Lee's eyes widened. Naruto grinned mischievously. Lee threw his head back and laughed. "Yosh! I see, Naruto-kun! I have made an egregious error! Your flames of youth are strong, maybe even stronger than mine! Therefore, I lose this match and declare you as my eternal rival!"
"Really?!" Naruto blinked and his grin grew. "Whoo! I have a rival!" Now he had someone to foil his nefarious plots! It wouldn't be nearly as much fun to be an overlord without someone to defy him.
Gai, who had been listening in on the conversation, performed his 'nice guy' pose. "Yosh! It would seem that the match is over, and my cute student has admitted his loss! Thus I declare Naruto-kun the winner!"
"Yeah! I rock! Ha, I own you now, Sasuke-kun!"
Sasuke scowled. Internally he was still pissed, but he did find Naruto's use of his kinzoku jutsu to be rather clever. He had to pay the piper, but seeing what Naruto did made Sasuke want those techniques all the more, and he still had the chance of getting them. "Hnn. Fine."
"Yay! Sasuke's gonna buy us all ramen!"
"Hey, wait a moment!"
"Now someone chip us out! The sealing gel from my Neba-Neba Bakudan is making me itch in places that aren't appropriate to scratch in public!"
"Allow me to take that…" Sakura grabbed the sledgehammer that Tenten had retrieved from her sealing scrolls.
"Oooh…That's a biiiig hammer, Sakura-chan. What are ya gonna- Hey, wait, that's not the right spot! Sakura-"
WHAM!
NTNTNTNTNT
Naruto looked around, his eyes taking meticulous note of his surroundings. "Dingy, moss and bile covered walls…"
Something rattled above him. "Poorly and randomly laid out pipes…"
He raised his foot, the soaked boot making a squelching sound. "Ground flooded with what looks like the run-off from the waste-treatment facility…"
He pursed his lips, his eyes narrowing pensively. "There can only be one explanation for all this…"
He slammed a fist into his other hand and squared his shoulders. "Sakura-chan must have hit me so hard she plowed me straight through the ground into Konoha's sewer network! Which is kind of weird 'cause I'm pretty sure there was only bedrock in the area we were at. Man, I didn't know she had such a strong arm!"
Deciding to try and find his way out, Naruto considered his options. He could either wander around aimlessly, or devise a thoroughly thought-out plan that took into account the flow of the sewer's river, the number of pipelines that fed into the main one he was currently in, and the age of the section's construction to discover precisely where he was and go home. He was tired after all that had happened and just wanted to go to bed.
The choice was obvious.
"Mindlessly wander, it is! And I'm gonna go…" He spun in a circle and then threw his finger out. "That way!"
Obvious for him, not for a normal person.
Naruto trekked his way through the sewer. It was stinky and slimy and all-together pretty gross. (Which, he noted, made it perfect for an alternative base since no one would ever want to come down here! Now, if he could just figure out a way to drain the pipe without causing a major back-up in all of Konoha's toilets, he'd be peachy.
Plus the sewer was getting kind of repetitive. Nothing changed!
After what seemed like a couple of hours, Naruto finally came across a landmark that was completely different from the rest of the landscape. A giant cage stood in front of him, with a small slip of paper with the character for 'seal' written on it.
Naruto frowned. A seal? Bah! Nothing could contain him, let alone some scrappy piece of paper! Not a cage or a seal or the giant fox creature that was lying on the other side of the cage, or even a…He paused.
There, curled up, was a giant demonic-looking fox. Its fur was scarlet and sharp, each bristle standing out like the quills of a porcupine. Its visage looked like the bastard offspring of a fox and rabbit, which had then been beaten with the ugly stick for a good several days before having an anvil dropped on it. Nine monstrous tails swung lazily behind the creature, creating small gales that blew through the enclosed space.
Golden eyes stared at him, their slitted pupils swimming with raw power. The fox opened its mouth. Its voice was deep and guttural, but strangely lacking in force or aggression. "Hello, end user Naruto Uzumaki."
Naruto blinked. Then he blinked again….And then again. Then he tossed his arms up and let out a hollering whoop. "Yay! I found the Kyuubi!" He paused and looked over his shoulder. "You are the Kyuubi no Kitsune, right? Greatest of the bijuu, near destroyer of Konoha, and all around fuzzy little asshole?"
The Kyuubi lowered its head so it was resting on the floor. "I am SPIRSI project, LEGEND, serial number 000-K9T. Codename-" It stopped. A stream of letters and numbers ran down the height of its eyes. "That data is missing from my memory. However, I believe I am the Kyuubi of which you speak."
"Great!" Naruto looked the great demon fox up and down. "So…what exactly are you?"
"I am a cyber-organic analytical machine created by SPIRSI to cultivate the use of the energy known as 'chakra.' My secondary function is to act as the main server for SPIRSI digital archives. Tertiary functions…are unknown. I am afraid that is also missing from my memory."
"So you're basically a giant walking, talking computer?"
"That is correct."
"Kick-ass! Anyway, how did I finally contact you? I've been trying since forever and nothing worked."
"Within the last couple of hours, your brain has experienced a great deal of mental stress. It caused a break in your subconscious which lowered the effectiveness of the seal, thereby allowing me to make contact with you when you became unconscious. Whatever the stress was caused by, I would not suggest allowing it to happen again. Repeated occurrences could completely shatter your mind."
Naruto grinned maniacally. "I knew it was an effective measure for cuddling cheese! It even let me contact the most dairy creature in the peanut! Bloobaroo!"
The Kyuubi looked down at the mortal that was running around like an idiot, babbling incoherent sentences. Perhaps the mental stress was having more of an effect that it thought. It hoped Naruto Uzumaki could still function properly.
After all, this was its new end user, the person who would lead it to greater knowledge. It would no longer have to slowly feed the child half-eaten memories as it slept, hoping for the best; it now had direct access to the boy.
It now had a purpose.
Today was a good day to be a bijuu.
"I am the Pumpkin King! Bow before my roundliness!"
Or maybe not.
A/N: Chapter four is done! Tenten finally appears. She considers Naruto a friend, and Naruto's just head over heels! Don't expect much romantic fluff or waff in this story; it mainly focuses on the chaos and inventions. For relationship advancement, pay attention to the omakes. To be honest, they won't be that warm and fuzzy either. But that's what makes this pairing so fun to write!
Also, Kyuubi has made its entrance! Notice that this Kyuubi is much different. As for how different, well, wait for the next chapter! In any case, Please Review, and remember, no flames!
Next Chapter – Fun with Seals
New Jutsu
Shuriken Shoutotsu (Shuriken Crash) – A grenade made out of shuriken. When activated, it folds out into about a dozen shuriken which then launch into every direction. The shuriken are specially coated in chakra so that they ricochet off objects, resulting in a constant storm of blades.
Hebi Kusari (Serpent Chains) – A melee weapon consisting of four ten-foot long chains, two coiled around each of Naruto's arms. They are hooked directly above his wrist (straight into the bone; both fore and back) and into his chakra coils by an input unit (simply attach the chains to the small metal ring). When chakra is run through them, Naruto can control them as though they were an extension of his arms, and they double as arm guards from the tight winding. The concept was taken from Anko's attack patterns.
Neba-Neba Bakudan (Sticky Bomb) – A type of bomb that stores expanding, extremely sticky goo. Once activated, the goo expands, collecting all in its path before hardening into firm, steady foam. It's very difficult to break out of and meant as a restraining device.
Omake!
Ramen Combat
"Ayame-nee-chan…! It's me…!"
Ayame twirled around, her face blossoming into a beautiful smile. Mr. Snugglebuns had arrived! She had been waiting so long for his next visit. With his downy hair and rosy cheeks and completely submissive attitude to being cuddled for hours on end, she couldn't imagine a more perfect boy! And now he had arrived to be molested – she meant hugged! Hugged! – by her.
Ayame nearly bowled her father over as she hurried to the counter. "Naruto-kun!"
Her heels screeched across the ground when she saw the person accompanying her sweetie pie.
Fishnet full bodysuit, luscious boobs that hung out, and an open trench coat that barely covered said boobs. Everything about the woman screamed 'femme fatale,' from her sultry eyes to the way she held herself to the way that she…hung…on…Naruto…
Teuchi winced when his new batch of miso soup turned to blood and nightmarish entities attempted to crawl out. He slammed a lid on it and shoved the pot into the oven, turning it to high. Through the screams that emitted from the oven, he peeked out at what was going outside.
Just as he feared – another female was invading Ayame's territory. Teuchi sighed and picked up the phone to call his insurance company. Thank heavens he had taken out that "possessive woman" insurance out on Ayame.
Anko looked smugly at Ayame as she draped an arm over Naruto, pushing his head further into her chest. "Hi, how do ya do?" she drawled, extending a hand. "I'm Anko."
"Nice to meet you, Anko-san." Ayame accepted the offering and squeezed. A diamond could have been made from the pressure between their hands. "I'm Ayame."
Naruto smiled happily. "Anko-hime's a new friend of mine, Ayame-nee-chan! I hope you can be friends, too!"
Ayame felt herself melt as she looked at his eyes – those innocent, naïve, so very exploitable eyes of his. How could she possibly refuse a request of his when he made that face?! "Sure, Naruto-kun, anything for you."
"Great!" He scootched up in his stool and laid his hands on the counter. "I'll start with two bowls of miso, two bowls of beef, and five bowls of chicken!" He looked at the special jounin. "How 'bout you, Anko-hime?"
"I'll just take a spicy shrimp."
"All right then, let me just tell dad and I'll get your order right away."
Anko watched as Ayame disappeared into the kitchen. She licked her lips. "Naru-chan?" He stopped singing "ramen~, ramen~" long enough to look at her. "I'm gonna go to the little ladies' room, k?
"Okay!" He didn't know there was a ladies' room, though.
Anko slinked from her seat and into the back of the ramen stand. She found her prey happily stirring at a pot of broth, her back turned. No one else was around. Perfect…Anko silently crept up on the girl before brandishing a kunai. Just one more step and…She swung her hand down.
Ayame spun around and knocked the kunai out of Anko's hand. Anko had to duck suddenly when Ayame thrust at her with the ladle. It broke through the wall just inches above her head. When retrieved, the hole was perfectly circular and fit to the ladle's size. Only a great amount of force could have caused that without cracks. If it had hit her, she'd be missing a good deal of her head.
Anko sidled to the side and stood back up. She licked her thumb. "So, you felt me coming, huh? Not bad for a civilian."
Ayame fell backwards on her leg, holding the ladle at a downward angle. "I won't let any harm come to Naruto-kun."
"You mean you just want to ravish him yourself."
"Is that a problem?"
Anko chuckled darkly. "A girl after my own heart. Too bad I have to kill you."
Ayame mirrored the smile. "I feel the same way."
The two did not move. Each waited for the other to strike first. A second passed, then a few more. Finally, the tension snapped
Anko punched forward with both fists. "Sen'eijashu!" Snakes flew from her sleeves, fangs dripping with venom.
Ayame grabbed a saucepan and batted them away. The snakes burst into smoke at the shock. She shoved the ladle into a pot full of ramen and then yanked it out. "Shimetsukemen!" Noodles flowed along the ladle, forming a long, rubbery whip. Ayame lashed out at Anko.
The snake lady dodged, watching in distant awe as the whip wrapped itself around a steel beam and crushed it into a dense metallic blob. She shook it off and chucked some kunai at the ramen waitress. Ayame countered with some kitchen knives.
Curses and expletives were shouted back and forth as the violence escalated, the kitchen becoming a veritable war zone.
Teuchi leaned down and ruffled Naruto's hair from his safe position outside. "Hey, Naruto, how about we eat somewhere else?"
"Aww…" the boy whined. "I wanted some ramen…"
"I'm afraid we're having some problems right now. C'mon, I'll buy you some barbeque."
"Okay…" Naruto jumped down from his stool and grabbed Teuchi's hand. "Let's go, Teuchi-ji-san."
The two walked off into the sunset, leaving the carnage in the stand far behind.
Teuchi's premiums skyrocketed from then on.
Kakashi-sensei!
He was everywhere. No matter where he went, Kakashi would always be found and attacked. At first he thought it was just a joke. But then he discovered that it was far, far worse. Anywhere he went…
He was there.
NTNTNTNTNT
Kakashi giggled as he bought the newest edition of Icha Icha. It was the limited, platinum edition of volume 5! He had waited in line for eight hours to get the book! And now it was his, all his!
Kakashi found a cozy place to read in the café and opened the book up. Ah, nothing like a good read and a steaming hot cup of coffee. He lowered his mask to take a sip, wincing happily at the bite of the bitter drink.
He was in heav-
"Kakashi-sensei!"
Note that boiling hot coffee is difficult to drink, but painful to wear. Especially when you wear it as an outer pair of pants. Plus, it's hard to get the stain out.
Not to mention the searing pain!
NTNTNTNTNT
Kakashi examined the apples. He needed to go shopping more often; his produce kept growing that nasty white stuff on it whenever he turned his head.
Granted, he usually turned his head for a good several days but that was beside the point.
He placed the apple back down. The melons were looking good, and they were on sale, too! Kakashi reached forward to pick one out when the stall began to tremble. The melons shifted as something orange and yellow leapt out of them.
"Kakashi-sensei!"
NTNTNTNTNT
He could hear him. The night took away all noises except for that giggly call. It just wouldn't go away.
Kakashi knew he was outside. He knew it!
"Kakashi-sensei~"
Kakashi pulled the covers over his head. He wanted his binky!
NTNTNTNTNT
Kakashi ambled his way to his team's meeting ground. And this time he was actually going to be punctual. That would throw those kids for a loop, especially that demonic little brat. Kakashi would show him what for!
He wasn't some toy that could just be played with! He was one of the elite, the best of the best. Some wet-nosed punk couldn't break his spirit! Not him, not Kakashi of the Sharingan!
"Ah! Kakashi-sensei!"
Kakashi spun around, his eyes screwed shut. "I give up! Here, take my body! I've refused for so long but I can't take it anymore! Do what you want with me, but please, be gentle…" He crossed his arms in front of his chest, bashfully looking at his feet.
Nothing happened. A few seconds passed, and Kakashi opened his eyes and looked up.
There stood Iruka, his hand frozen in greeting. The chunin gulped. "Um, never mind. It was nothing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do something…over there. Yeah, over there." Abandoning all pretenses, the man ran down the street as fast as he could.
The number of times Kakashi Hatake had wept openly in public could be counted on one hand.
That now increased to two.
NTNTNTNTNT
"Ugh! Where is that lazy-ass?!" Sakura stomped her foot as she glared death at nothing in particular.
"Hnn, he's a bit later than normal, and that's saying something."
Naruto shrugged and lounged against the tree. "Who knows?" He closed his eyes, his lips smoothly forming words.
"Kakashi-sensei~"
