Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. …that is all.
Nin Tech
Chapter 9: How to Train Your Self-Learning Robotic Fox-Dog
By Irritus185
His surroundings blazed. Ash and smoke swirled about him. He saw what was once his reason for living burning down to nothingness.
Naruto fell to his knees.
How could it have come to this? He was so careful, so meticulous in his works. He planned for everything, even for things that were theoretically impossible. Only a fool was caught off-guard, even if the threat was non-existent. And yet here he was, watching as everything he loved, everything that was him, slowly smoldered down to what equated to little more than dust.
This…this just simply…couldn't be possible! Their faces, their fears, their sadness, their regret…their despair! And he was the origin of it all! He was the one who had ultimately caused this tragedy!
How could he possibly apologize for what he had done? How could dare to be forgiven for all the precious lives that had been lost? So many possibilities, so much potential – gone!
And he was the one that had pulled the trigger on them, on all of them!
Rain fell on his cheeks, warm and greasy. It was the heavens reminding him of his folly, his pride, his hubris. If it wasn't for him, they would have…would have…
But no, he couldn't drown himself in his misgivings and sorrows. He had to be stronger, more resolute! He had to make amends for all the lives his callous and haphazard actions had erased and irreparably destroyed!
But…how did this happen? How? How?
How?
Thirty-two hours, twenty minutes, and forty-five seconds before the greatest tragedy Naruto would ever face, things were so much happier and brighter.
Exceptionally bright, in fact. Light from the morning sun traced the sides of the newly-placed window-curtains on his room's windows. Its rays landed on his head, beckoning him to wake up from his peaceful slumber. Along with the sun's greeting came a much more exuberant one that Naruto never thought he'd hear in his life, or at least not for another ten years or so.
"Daddy!"
Naruto swung a hand mindlessly in the direction of the invader.
"Daddy! Wake up, daddy!"
"Go away," he slurred.
"Daddydaddy!"
"Hnnn…!" Naruto swung again, but failed to dislodge whatever was tugging at his covers.
"Daddy! Daddy! …!"
Naruto ripped the pillow off his head, snarling at those that dared to intrude upon his sleepy-time. "WHAT?" He paused, as there was no other person in his room. However, a weight on his chest forced him to look down.
Metaru stood there, his eyes wet with love. "Daddydaddy good morning daddy I hope you have a good morning but you didn't wake up and you have to wake up because I wanted you get up and I have to go to the bathroom and there was a bug in my room a bug and it was a big bug so I was scared and left but now daddy's here and I don't have to go anymore and now I'm bored and hungry can we get some breakfast daddy pancakes sound great even though I can't taste them but I still want pancakes and please daddy I've been a good boy only I didn't mean to go to the bathroom and there's smells everywhere but I don't really get it and…"
Naruto blinked.
"Everybody is so mean because they wouldn't get up and A wouldn't listen and B wouldn't listen and C wouldn't listen and D said I was being too loud and E said I needed a soldering but I don't like soldering cause there was this one time I bit one of daddy's thingies and it shocked me and felt weird but cool at the same time and I…"
He blinked again. Huh, so this was why people found him incomparably annoying. Maybe he should tone down on the caffeine.
"And then I tried that coffee daddy likes and I really liked it because it made me go 'ding!' and then I really had to go so I wanted to find you and so here I am and I love you daddy!" Metaru finished off his spiel, not having to take a single break due to his lack of needing to breathe.
Darn pesky lungs and their biological necessity for gas exchange!
Naruto stared at Metaru, who was staring back with all the affection he could muster, his metal paws kneading away at the blonde's chest, tongue lolling out. Naruto then opened his mouth.
"Since when the hell could you talk?"
He glanced at the wet spot on his covers, which smelled particularly strongly of engine oil and coffee dregs. Metaru's ears drooped at the befuddled and slightly chastising look on Naruto's face.
"Also, I'm pretty sure you have a leak. I should probably fix that first."
"A, bring me the female-to-female cable – the singular jack."
"Roger, boss."
"What exactly are you trying to discern here?"
Naruto booted up the laptop, not deigning to glance in Kyuubi's direction. He tapped a few commands until he was pleased with the parameters and utilities of the machine, and then began talking. "There's something up with Metaru's CORE. He shouldn't be able to talk in a sentient manner like this."
"Why not?" Kyuubi asked, bending to look over Naruto's shoulder, its long hair falling over him, boobs pushing against his back.
Naruto brushed the hair aside and leaned back to use its boobs as a cushion. Neither thought of it as inappropriate; why should they? He was completely enamored with Tenten (and heavily desensitized thanks to Anko and Ayame), and Kyuubi was an immortal death-machine shoved into a lovely T&A package.
Plus, that's partly what Naruto meant for Kyuubi's boobs to double as – back support.
"Shouldn't you know this? Aren't you the one that's been downloading specs and junk into my brain?" His fingers raced across the keyboard, opening up files and starting programs that contained past data on the little mech.
"Yes, but not everything you have accomplished is due to my influences. Your work on Metaru is close to the creation of AIs, and yet your conglomeration of programming and chakra usage is something I do not quite fully comprehend." Kyuubi's amber eyes flashed as it proceeded to copy and catalogue all the information that flew across the computer's screen, something that a mere human, regardless of kinetic vision capabilities, wouldn't be able to do.
"Really? Even though your construction seems pretty similar? Huh, score one for me then." Naruto took the cable from A's hands. "Thanks, A." He plugged it into the laptop. Then he reached for Metaru. "Here, boy…"
"Daddy, that tickles!" Metaru said, dashing out of Naruto's grasp when the boy tried to plug into his jack port.
"Yes, I know it tickles but you have to be still and…"
"No! It feels funny!" Metaru laughed again, his tinny voice reminiscent of a child that was speaking into a spinning fan. He danced out of Naruto's hands again, this time running to the other side of the room but not out of it completely. His tail wagged, signifying that he was treating this as a game.
Naruto acquiesced to the clank fox's unspoken request, chasing him around the room. However, after a while it became fairly annoying, especially when the few times Naruto did catch Metaru, the fox would wiggle the cable out and go traipsing off again. After nearly twenty minutes of the repetitive game of tag/catch-and-forced-release, Naruto had finally had enough.
He sighed and pinched his nose. "Fine, if he wants it to be that way…" Naruto turned to his general clank. His face was grim. "A, bring me…the Immobilizer."
A made a rather good approximation of a gasp. "The Immobilizer? But boss, we can't-"
"Now, A. I don't have time for you to waffle on me," Naruto said. His glacial blue eyes were shining fiercely. "What we discover here could mean a huge improvement in how I upgrade your systems. I will not waste time because you disapprove of my methods." He loomed over the Naru-kun and a canine slipped out. "Do I make myself clear?"
"R-roger, boss." A shuddered, the noise of loose parts rattling in its deformed body. Several nuts and screws plopped out from behind it.
"…I really need to start running better maintenance on you guys."
"Don't worry about it, boss."
Saluting the boy, A made its way out of the room in search of what its master desired, trailing more bits of metal after it.
Kyuubi tilted its head. It had never observed A to be so unbalanced before. Kyuubi had witnessed the head clank survive explosions, near cascade system failures, OS erasures, and electrocutions, and not once had the clank been anything other than unflappable, unperturbed, or serene – as its position demanded. Throughout all the chaos, A was the eye of the storm – there, prepared for anything, and ready to do its master's bidding, no matter how frivolous the order was. In short, A was the perfect subordinate.
And yet this one item destabilized it more than anything before? Kyuubi had to know.
"What is this Immobilizer you speak of?"
Naruto bit his lips and looked at the humanized bijuu. "It is my creations' bane, the darkness that lurks in their hearts, what scares them more than anything else I could possibly do to them." Naruto scratched his cheek. "During the initial phases of the Naru-kuns' creation and development, their codes had a lot of bugs, and so they often acted out of turn. The Immobilizer was used on their chassis to keep them in place while I deleted the errors in their programming, but its very usage seems to have created a sub-routine in their behavioral matrixes that I can't get rid of no matter what, and that also infects any AIs I make."
Naruto sighed. "It's really quite a shame, but I seem to have caused an irreversible trauma in them." He laughed. "And with such a simple and common commodity as well." He tapped his fingers together in turn, grinning delightfully. "Quite an excellent accidental blunder, if I do say so myself."
Kyuubi tilted its head the other way. It did not understand. How could an easily-attained item cause such mass destabilization? Surely it could not be that simple. Just what was this mystery tool?
A returned with the object, held fearfully with two-foot prongs and cased in bubble wrap. Oil had exuded from seams in A's body, trickling down and making its shiny metal exterior even shiner. When Naruto took the Immobilizer, A immediately drew back and pressed itself into the exact opposite corner of the room, making sure to put as much room between itself and that cursed tool as possible.
It nearly cried (that is, if it had the glands required) as Naruto stalked towards Metaru, snapping the object taut. A would not wish the Immobilizer on any being; it was simply too cruel a measure, and was the only thing in existence that made the clank register the human emotion known as fear. A shut off both its visual and audio peripheries as Metaru's cries increased in volume and frequency and then were silenced. When it reactivated them again, the sight was almost too much to bear.
Kyuubi felt a spike of discomfort and chill stab into its spine. It did not know why, but it found this scene vaguely familiar. It also felt vaguely horrified at the nostalgic emotion. Had such a thing happened to it as well in its designer stages? No wonder A and others experienced such terror at the very thought of this horrendous item.
This was the worst sort of torture and bondage imaginable! If Naruto tried this on Kyuubi, it would…it would…It might actually discover the biological process needed to expel saline liquid!
Naruto slapped his hands together, pleasantly taking in the sight of the bound and gagged Metaru, and tossed the now empty roll of duct tape to the side.
"All right then, time to begin!" He finally plugged in the jack and started the connection process between the computer that housed Metaru's sentience development and his cybernetic brain. He accessed the first level, shifted over to the barrier between it and second, and stopped. His eyes widened. The rapid tapping of the keyboard filled the room.
Access the second level. Dive deeper – third, fourth, fifth. Password encoded firewall – breached. Access to the CORE granted. Spin the orb – contact. It shattered in dozens of puzzle pieces. There, there, and there. Dash off to the side. There and there, too. This was only the first layer – the most superficial of properties.
This couldn't…
"I don't believe it," he said, voice full of awe.
"What is it, doctor?" Kyuubi asked, having shaken off the encroaching feelings of dread.
"Metaru's CORE, it's…changed."
"What do you mean?"
Naruto gestured idly. "I created Metaru through a mixture of fuinjutsu, chakra injections, and blood composites. Like most of my inventions, Metaru runs off of a chakra/electricity fusion, but the chakra aspect isn't just what keeps his physical body active…" His finger tapped the laptop. "It's what he is."
"I do not understand."
"Okay, let me just start off with this. Your body is made of chakra, right? In what I'm guessing was some sort of attempt at a chakra-version of a bio-computer."
Kyuubi nodded. "That seems like a viable hypothesis." It could not remember anything past the event that corrupted its memory, and thus could not decipher how it was made or how it currently existed without a physical structure to bind the energies that formed it. However, from the way its body functioned regardless of its ignorance of most laws of physics, Naruto's testing probe was a step in the right direction.
Naruto nodded. "Right. Well, Metaru's construction methods are sorta like how your body is made, only not to such a great extent. His consciousness was created by creating a hardened shell of multiple fuuinjutsu seals, all of which correlate to my knowledge of intelligence programming. To put it simply, each seal acts as a connector between it and the routines and sub-routines located in his cybernetic brain. The shell is about six inches in diameter, but its actual interior is a space only a couple centimeters wide. Most of it is taken up by the multiple layers of paper seals. There's so many I can't even remember how many there are. A thousand? A million? Tens of billions?"
Naruto took a deep breath and continued. "In that tiny space, though, is something completely different. I basically took some of my chakra, concentrated it as far as I could, and mixed my blood to act as a catalyst. That's what makes his CORE, his Chakra ORiginal Existence" He laughed uncertainly. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking! Maybe I thought it would act as a base, my life-force slowly running things from the inside. Maybe I thought the chakra would keep in perpetual motion. Maybe the blood would act like conception. I don't know!" He sighed. "All I know is that it worked! And now…well…Look at this!"
Kyuubi looked at what he pointed to.
Designated changes in behavioral patterns to suggested stimuli.
[Anger] [Sadness] [Joy] [Etc…]
Kyuubi tilted its head. The procedures seemed a bit uneven, and there were several inefficient lines of code making reaction speed a bit slower than what it deemed permissible, but there was nothing it didn't see as outright odd. "What is the problem, doctor?"
"That's not my code."
"Explain."
Naruto brought up the catalogue of changes he made to Metaru's brain. "This is not something that I did. Furthermore, it's not something that I would or could do. This isn't a change to Metaru's external programming; this is a change to the fuuinjutsu shell itself. And that isn't something I'd do, as it would completely alter his programming to the point where he'd stop, well…existing." He took a deep breath. "The seals have undergone change from the inside."
"Then what does this alteration indicate?"
"I…I don't know."
"…doctor?"
"If his core has changed, and yet he's still functioning, that means that Metaru himself has changed his programming." Naruto framed his chin with his thumb and pointer, mumbling to himself. "But Metaru's not programmed to do that. Sure, he has a feedback system that allows him to gradually learn from his environment and thus find a better way of dealing with things, but that doesn't explain the huge jump…in…" Naruto trailed off, his face going blank. "Kyuu-chi, how much do you know about evolution?"
"The theory that beings change in accordance to their environment for the end result of survival and easier living. Yes, I am familiar with the basics."
"Well, ya know how sometimes there's a monumental evolutionary leap? Like how some animals spontaneously produce different organs or appendages between generations?"
Kyuubi blinked. "Are you suggesting that Metaru's CORE has gone through a similar process? That its construction and interface has spontaneously evolved to match a new need?"
"I think so…" Naruto rubbed his palms together. "And you know what this means…"
"What's that, doct-"
"I'm the greatest scientific genius in the world!" Naruto crowed. He stomped one food on the ground and stood up tall, a fist on either side of his waist.
A produced two paper fans from nowhere, each with the letter 'N' emblazed, and waved them around. "Hooray! Boss is the greatest!"
Another Naru-kun popped out, B by the letter stamped on its chest. It also had a pair of fans. "Hooray! Boss is a genius!"
Rapidly, more and more Naru-kuns appeared – popping up from the floor, the wall, even the ceiling – ripping through the room like demented metallic groundhogs. Some of them had fans, others armed with confetti cannons that blasted the shredded paper everywhere.
"Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss!"
"Wahahahaha! Yes, bow before my intellectual might! For I have created life!" Naruto laughed wildly, eyes shining and teeth glinting with madness.
Kyuubi blinked. Then it picked up Metaru and removed the duct tape from his mouth. The fox sniffled, diluted oil sliding down its cheek. "Kyuu-neechan? Why is daddy laughing like that? Does he feel sick?"
Kyuubi said nothing. There was nothing it needed to say. Anything it did say would be a waste of time and energy, so therefore it would not say a word. It would not say anything at all. It would not say anything even if Naruto Uzumaki ordered it to say what it could not say during that time. Kyuubi was not the type to expend needless words. It would not create pointless noise. It was the greatest of the bijuu, and thus would not lower itself to the base and mindless babbling of the inefficient humans. It was better than that, purer than that!
It. Would. Not. Yield!
Kyuubi blinked.
"…I fear for my future prospects."
The festivities continued….right up until Zabuza burst in, roaring about a hangover and how he was going to beat the ever-loving crap out of them for being so goddamn loud.
Then there was just a lot of screaming and explosions.
T-minus thirty hours, fifty minutes, twenty-two seconds and counting.
"And then that shark got involved and I'm not sure how he got a hold of my bandsaw but that's when things went down the toilet."
Haku tilted her head to the side and smiled vapidly, though her mind was feverishly trying to decipher just what the blonde was talking about. All she knew was that she had woken up to the sound of screaming and smell of sulfur, and both Naruto and Zabuza had come crashing through her wall, and then her memory just sort of cut off from there. Now they were all in the mess hall, Naruto's face a bruised mess and Zabuza scorched all over his body, but she was sure it was just the two bonding and there was no need to delve further than that. Kyuubi was not seen at all, the shenanigans having forced it to abandon its physical form lest it be caught up in them.
Instead, Haku focused more on the bundle of joy in her lap. Metaru was yipping softly and pressing into her stomach, going on and on about how the Naru-kuns were funny things and how his daddy had been laughing and then crying and then smoking and oh heavens he was just so cute! Haku squealed and squished the mech into her bosom.
"You are such a darling!"
"Haku-neechan's soft!"
"Yes, yes she is," Naruto concurred, watching as Metaru was slowly engulfed into the girl's chest. "And I'm glad that you think so because you're going to be spending more time with her and others while I try to determine was caused your evo-leap."
"So what you are saying is that Metaru suddenly learned how to act more like a human than a fox?" Haku asked.
"Sorta," Naruto shrugged. He sipped at his mug of coffee and grimaced. "Zabuza-kun, did you spike the grounds again?"
"I swear, gaki, if you speak to me right now I'll bite your bloody head off," Zabuza growled, holding an icepack to his head. "But since you asked, yeah, I used some of my stash instead of plain water. After what you just put me through, I deserve it." He moved the icepack to his jaw, where it was especially raw and burned. "Ya got a problem with that?"
Naruto looked into his mug and dipped a finger. He then licked it and looked upwards thoughtfully. "Actually, it's not bad." Naruto drained the cup in one gulp. His eyes swam with an unknown gleam.
Zabuza would come to regret introducing the boy to alcohol. He was just so much more diabolical in his experiments when in the middle of hallucinations-induced psychosis.
Gouzu took a swig himself. "Got a bit of a kick to it."
"Nice buzz," Meizu echoed.
"Ara, what did I say about drinking in the morning?" Haku berated them. She couldn't blame the man, though. Zabuza always was a bit of a drinker, as it helped to curb his near-constant bloodlust. After coming to work with Naruto, and not being allowed to kill people to relieve the stress, alcohol was the easiest way to deal with it.
Plus, Haku found the ditties he sang in his drunken stupors to be rather cute and hilarious. She wondered if Naruto had rubbed off on her as she was wont to record them and keep them for future reference and/or blackmail material.
Well, whatever, all she cared about was that Metaru was so cute and that she didn't have to worry about suffocating the fox from squeezing it too much.
Zabuza grunted and drained his alcoholic mixture, not bothering to even articulate logical response.
Naruto shrugged at his noncompliance. "Well, aside from Zabuza-kun's ongoing addiction, we have more things to worry about."
"What's that, daddy?"
Naruto looked over at where only Metaru's head was popping out from Haku's yukata, the ice maiden evidently all too pleased with herself, and smiled. "Nothing you need to worry about, Metaru. Go back and play with Haku-neechan's marshmallows."
"Yay!"
"So yeah, I'm gonna bring him on my rounds today and see if there was any one origin for his changes, so that's something I can work on, but there's more pressing matters to attend to!" He swung a finger around at Haku. "Haku-neechan!"
"Yes, Naruto-kun?"
"You've got the whole team-mom thing down great, but there's more you could do!" Naruto clenched his fists and set his jaw. "How else are we going to prove ourselves as leaders of the world when our token female's just so badass?"
Haku never quite got what the blonde was going on about when he explained their 'roles'. Always he went on how he was the fearless, charismatic leader (stupidity did not exactly translate to courage), and Zabuza was the gruff mentor character with a dark and angst-filled past (picturing Zabuza acting 'angsty' caused all sorts of mental fractures), and Meizu and Gouzu were the creepy brothers with the psychic bonds and disturbing sibling complex (…actually, that onewas pretty believable). There was nothing that could really be done for the lad, so Haku found it best to simply follow along and hope the boy wouldn't sprain his brain or something along those lines.
Though his despair at how she was too competent an individual to be an effective example of the stereotypical 'chick' – and thus was delegated to 'badass mom' – was something Haku could never determine as either a compliment or an insult.
"Ara? I could always try to cook more."
She still never understood why whenever she made the offer, Zabuza and the brothers would immediately say how they were too busy and would have to skip meals for training and whatnot. Naruto was always so eager to try out her food, though she often wondered why he insisted on bringing his chemistry set to the dinner table. It was such bad manners, and yet he always said how her food was so good it could be weaponized through its sheer awesomeness.
Unfortunately for Haku's inflated pride at the comment, Naruto's tongue had actually gone numb from the destruction of his taste buds, and he was actually saying a different, similar-sounding word entirely.
The other Wave nin twitched and paled while Naruto shook his head. "No, no, there's no need for that. I'm still thinking back on that chowder from last week and-"
"It was miso soup."
"Really? Then what were those chunks…"
"Those were bits of crab I substituted for the clams," Haku said.
"And the broth?"
"I kept some mushroom soup overnight. After all, miso is just fermented vegetables." Haku knew that substitution oftentimes lead to innovation. If recipes could be created simply by replacing one type of food with another, the possibilities were endless!
"Huh, so that's why everyone was saying my smiles were extra creepy." The others shivered. "Whelp, anyway. Haku-neechan! You have to be girlier! And the second most girly thing I know is sewing!"
"What's the first?"
"Making weapons and then killing people with them. But since you have the latter down really well, and I don't think you're the blacksmithing type, we'll go with the sewing. Plus we'll have matching outfits!" Naruto grinned at his own ingenuity. "If you do that, then everyone will know of the Uzumaki clan just by looking at us!"
"I thought we were known by all the restraining orders and property damage."
"Well, that too, but this is easier and doesn't run the risk of my premiums getting higher."
"You have insurance?"
"I have an insurance named after me!"
"I'm both amazed and appalled at the same time," Zabuza said.
"Why? Because you don't…"
"Have one named after you?"
"First thing, no. Second thing, shut up. Third thing, I will destroy you." Zabuza muttered, slamming his heels on the table and shaking the coffee mugs over to spill everywhere. Meizu and Gouzu scowled as it stained their clothes.
"Testy…"
"Testy."
"Awww…no need to mope, Zabuza-kun!" Naruto said cheerfully. "I got something that'll wipe that frown right off your face!" Naruto took out a seal capsule and laid it out in front of Zabuza. "You wouldn't let me make any modifications on your Kubikiri Houchou…"
"And I would have skinned you alive if you'd tried."
"So I just made you a new sword altogether!"
Zabuza paused. "What?"
"I…" Naruto pointed at himself. "Made you…" He pantomimed smacking something with a hammer. "A new…" His hands spread from his face, smile as fresh as a daisy. "Sword." He finished off the charade with a kunai jammed to the table.
Zabuza grunted. "Was that really necessary?"
"No, but it was fun!"
"Of course." Zabuza examined the capsule suspiciously, and, deciding that whatever was inside couldn't possibly be more dangerous than anything else the blonde had designed, did the only thing he could do – he handed it off to the person closest to him, Meizu. "You open it."
Meizu whimpered, but did as he was told, pressing the release button. He squawked when a huge double-edged zanbatou, about as large as Zabuza's, popped out and proceeded to crush both him and the chair with its massive weight.
Naruto chuckled insincerely. "Should I've mentioned it's really heavy?"
"Get it off me!"
Zabuza snorted. "Wuss." He bent down and heaved the sword off of the smaller nin, grunting as he noted that it was indeed quite heavy, perhaps even as twice as heavy as his Kubikiri Houchou.
The sword was made of tempered steel, the blade itself five feet in length and a foot-and-a-half in width, the entire surface inlaid with bronzed fuuinjutsu arrays. The sides traveled parallel to each other before they dived in and then back out about a foot from the tip, creating a hinged and curved axe-head. The hilt was a complex machination of curves and spirals that started at a pickaxe-like pommel and twisted over to the crossguard, which looked like a primitive sculpture of copper and bronze, but also clearly resembled seals.
Zabuza noted that the blade was not a complete piece of metal, but was instead split down the middle lengthwise. He looked down the edge and saw that the center of the blade was much fatter, so much so that there was a noticeable diamond shape. When he rapped on the sword, a faint hollow sound echoed back. He glared back at Naruto, looking for answers as to the blade's curious construction.
"It's a special kind of sword, my personal brand. Don't worry, the interior is actually quite useful and won't harm your handling at all. Now, this sword has several different usages and modes, as shown by the controls here." He pointed at the grip closest to the hilt, where there were several buttons. "But I suggest you be careful, because the mechanics of the inside are…"
"Ooh…pretty but-ton!"
Everyone watched with stunned awe as Metaru, enamored by the new invention his daddy made, as well as the clearly desired-to-be-pressed buttons, jumped out of Haku's yukata, dashed across the table, and smacked the grip at a random place.
There was a whine as gears and servos spun. The seam down the middle of the sword widened, the blade opening up completely like the maw of some hungry beast, the axe-head flipping open. One of several fuma shuriken inside the blade was shunted along a metal pole that stuck out from the cross guard, unfolded to its full size, and instantly rotated to speeds beyond what the eye could follow. There was a crackle of electricity, a hint of ozone, and the shuriken shot forth as arcs of lightning bled off of it.
It all happened in barely two seconds.
The wall the fuma shuriken impacted bent outward and then broke apart completely as it punctured its way through. On the other side, a Naru-kun was cleanly bisected horizontally, either part on opposite sides of the adjacent room. Its body raised one hand into a crude thumbs-up while its decapitated head spoke, fluids leaking everywhere.
"I'm okay!"
A loose spark lit its head on fire. F's eyes turned off and on.
"…I'm still okay!
The mess hall was silent. Then Naruto laughed in wicked delight. "Yeah, like I said! The mechanics inside can be dangerous! And that's just one of its tricks!" He knew applying the gauss coil like this would reveal grand results! Of course, he was going to have to create a whole new body for F, but that was a small price to pay for the progress of Science!
Naruto grabbed Metaru by the joints of his neck. "Naughty little boy!" he cooed.
"That was fun, daddy! Again, again!" Metaru giggled. F was making such a funny face, all melty and gooey like that!
"Not now, sweetie," he admonished. He watched as other Naru-kuns extinguished F's head, which was complaining about how it was going to be so awful – it had just gotten used to that body!
Naruto grinned at the damage control and turned back to Zabuza, who was still just looking at his new weapon. "So yeah, enjoy your new sword. I call it the Eien Giakikai." He tapped his lip with one hand and placed Metaru on his head with the other. "Oh yeah, and if you're going to use both it and your Kubikiri Houchou at the same time, tell me. I'll tattoo you some storage seals." Naruto nodded briskly. "Whelp, gots to get going! Tell me when you have a handle on the outfits, Haku-neechan!" Without even waiting for assent, he dashed out of the room, Metaru shooting question after question at him.
The rest were left to their thoughts.
Zabuza just stared at his new zanbatou. Had anyone been able to peek in on his mind, they would have run away screaming at the pure carnage he was contemplating. Maybe he could walk around the village and see if anyone tried to pick a fight with him…
Meizu and Gouzu were just trying to feel good about their own improved weapons and that they hadn't been gypped. Why couldn't they have super shuriken?
Oh, wait, they could use high-rank jutsu with just a simple slash or punch. Never mind.
Haku pondered on what Naruto had suggested/ordered. It would be interesting to make some new clothing for herself and everyone, and from the material she had seen Naruto use in his own clothes, it would be tactically advantageous for future battles. If she could give a better chance of survival to Zabuza and the others, then she would gladly spend the time polishing her skills with needle and thread.
Besides, there were already absolutely charming costumes she was envisioning for the smaller inhabitants of the apartment. She let out a passionate squeal.
All over the building, organic and non-organic beings alike shivered.
"So, uh, not that I mind and all, but is there a reason you're touting around a miniature version of the being that nearly destroyed our village?"
Naruto looked up from playing with Metaru at Kakashi, the man having a not-quite displeased, not-quite calm look on his face. He grinned cheekily. "Aw, what's wrong, Kakashi-sensei? Don't you think he's cute? I'm mean, look at him!" He picked Metaru up by his front paws so that the fox was standing on his hind legs.
"Hi, Kakashi-jisan!" Metaru said exuberantly. His single tail waved rapidly.
Kakashi sighed, his visible eye flipping into its U-shape. "Well, he's definitely better than those little monstrosities of yours." He had met the robot before on his forced trips to Naruto's home, so he was used to his shape and presence. He paused for a moment. "They're not going to show up, are they?" The rest of team seven couldn't tell if the man was anxious or thrilled about the clanks' supposed proximity.
"I think he's cute," Sakura put in, squatting down in front of the vulpine clank. "Hi, Metaru-chan. I'm Sakura."
"Hi, pretty-neechan!"
Sakura's eyes melted. "Aww…" She grabbed Metaru from Naruto and squeezed him tight. "He's adorable!"
"Your boobies aren't as big as Haku-neechan's."
Sakura's eye twitched. "Okay, getting less cute now."
"Why's your chest so hard?"
"Really starting to push it!"
"But you smell nice!"
Sakura stopped, about to drop Metaru and storm off to smack Naruto one. "Umm…thank you?" she said in confusion.
"You smell like flowers! I like flowers! They're fun to eat!" He stared at her with the innocence and purity that only the baby animal he emulated could have. "They go om-nom-nom and then I can't find them anywhere 'cause they're in mah tummy!"
Sakura couldn't help it. Despite the fact that almost all of Metaru's body was made of metal, except for the fuzz that covered his tail, she just couldn't feel anything other than cuteness exuding from him. Both her inner and outer halves in agreement, she let out a squeal and hugged the fox closer.
"You hug like Haku-neechan, too! Are you gonna suf-o-kate me?"
She wasn't going to before, but now Metaru was in dire danger of having his joints dislocated from the intense pressure her arms wrapped around him gave. His eye bulged comically out from the pressure change in his internal systems. It just made Sakura want to squeeze him harder.
Naruto laughed internally. Yes…it was working perfectly. He didn't know how, but Metaru had harnessed the charisma innate to all cute, fluffy wildlife in his upgraded incarnation and transformed into a usable tool. Idly, Naruto wondered what would happen if Metaru and Mikoto met? Would the repeated collision and reflection of each other's cuteness factor cause a rift in the space-time continuum, leading to an irreversible destruction of all existence as people knew it? Was it possible?
He had to test this theory later…
Sasuke grunted, resting his back against a tree. He leaned down to look at the fox. He didn't really understand the aesthetics of the thing. Sure, it looked like a fox somewhat, but it just seemed too close to those Naru-kuns that Naruto had showed them once and that Kakashi always ranted on about. Of course, if he looked at it in just the right angle than it did look kind of cute and he wondered how Metaru had been raised and Sakura shouldn't be hogging the little thing so much, she should be passing him around and when was he going to get a oh gods what was he thinking?
Sasuke shook his head furiously. Bad thoughts! He was an avenger! Avengers don't get tempted by cute, infantile, precious little ARGH!
"Hnn, I don't see what's so great about him."
Naruto spun around, shock written plainly across his face. "Sasuke-kun! How could you?"
He sneered. "What, dobe?"
"Metaru is the greatest thing since sliced bread, I mean sliced ramen!" He pilfered the clank from Sakura's hands, who squawked in disapproval at being derived of her dose of cute, and swung him in front of Sasuke's face. "How could you not think so?"
"Hi, emo-niichan!" Metaru yawned, licking his lips before having his tongue hang out again.
Sasuke twitched, holding back the urge to leap forward and engulf the clank. "I'm not your nii-chan," he scowled. "There's no way I'd want a pet like you."
"Why?"
"Because you're just mindless fluff, with no real purpose or intention in life."
"Why?"
"Because if I had a pet, or whatever you are, I'd want it to actually do things for me."
"Why?"
"Because then it'd have a use!"
"Why?"
"You're just going to keep asking me why, aren't you?"
Metaru considered the question for all of three seconds. "…maybe…why?"
"Gah! Can't you do anything else other than be annoying?"
"I can be helpful!" Metaru cried petulantly.
"How?" Sasuke said in irritation. "You're just a weird, stupid fox! You can't fight or provide assistance or help train or…"
"I can fight! Watch!" A click came from somewhere in Metaru's chest compartment, and then a rickety noise like something had been loaded. His mouth opened wide. Something inside shined.
Sasuke's Sharingan involuntarily activated, and he contorted his body to avoid the most of the spray of senbon needles that shot forth from Metaru's mouth, his hands deflecting the rest. On the tree behind him was a perfect outline of his body made by the senbon.
Silence dawned on the area. Then it was broken as Naruto whooped loudly and caroled Metaru around, laughing brilliantly. "I don't believe it. You evolved your own weapon defense system as well! I'm so proud of you, Metaru!"
"Yay! Daddy praised me!"
"Good boy! Good, good boy! I will hold you and pet you and have you crush my enemies and see them driven before me!"
Sasuke let out the breath he was holding and deactivated his doujutsu. Neither Kakashi nor Sakura were looking at him, narrowly focused on the clank and his master. His thoughts spun on the matter.
Both fiendishly adorable and able to kill someone as well?
…great, now he wanted one. Curses!
T-minus twenty-seven hours, twelve minutes, five seconds and counting.
On a separate note, the intended experiment of making contact between Metaru and Mikoto did not cause the end of the universe as was theorized. Instead, the massive amount of cute created a psychic ripple effect that knocked every person with a line of sight to the event into a six-hour coma and altered a miniscule portion of their brain chemistry.
They awoke with a refreshed mind and an optimistic look on life. Also, everything tasted like dangos for the next couple of days.
Anko was refused custody of Metaru.
She was sad.
Naruto looked aside from the group of Sakura, Lee, and Sasuke playing with Metaru. Lee was going on and on about Metaru's newly-found youthfulness while Sasuke desperately pretended he was not interested in the little fox. Then he focused on more important things – like his metal goddess.
"Isn't he adorable?"
"He's pretty cute," Tenten said. She was standing against a tree, Neji and Naruto sitting on the ground. "Though I do like the senbon addition more."
"I know, right? Not only has he rewritten his personality matrixes, he's also had the Naru-kuns add onto his body. Is this what having your child make his first bomb feels like?"
"There are times when I finally feel as though I understand you," Neji interjected, "and then you go and say stuff like this which makes me wonder what has eaten your brain." He paused. "Are you sure your changes to my seal won't have my head exploding randomly?"
"Well, it hasn't happened yet, so I'm pretty sure that you won't be turned into chunky salsa soon."
"Your words fill me with confidence," Neji said dryly.
Tenten snickered. "That's something rare – Neji-kun filled with conceit, I mean, confidence."
Neji snorted and looked away. Naruto grinned. "But really, how is your family doing now, Neji-han? Did I put the fear of myself into them?"
The Hyuuga clucked his tongue. "I once thought having to deal with Hinata-sama was the greatest annoyance of my life." His eyes narrowed, veins slightly bulging. "But now that I have to deal with Hanabi-sama as well, my torments have been doubled. How I hate you for that."
"It can't be that bad," Tenten said. The few times she had met Hanabi, the girl had seemed quite harmless, in that haughty, holier-than-thou way of the Hyuuga.
"She will not stop going on about being an overlord-in-training after being told of Naruto-san's influence over her." Neji scowled. "The worst part is that the branch family is humoring her delusions." He paused and looked at Naruto. "I do hope that they are just delusions, Naruto-san."
Tenten snickered again, louder this time. "Oh gods, I can imagine it – Hanabi-chan ordering the execution of someone who brought her the wrong flavor of juice, heh…" She trailed off at Neji's unamused stare. "It wasn't a joke, was it?"
"…she wanted apple."
At that, Tenten abandoned any decorum she had left and burst into all-out guffawing. Naruto simply grinned wider. He flapped a hand. "Ah, don't worry about it. I have no intention of making her my successor…" He looked away and cupped his chin. "Although on the other hand…"
"Naruto-san, please do not force me to kill my benefactor," Neji said in all seriousness. His Byakugan was in full effect now.
"Alright, alright!" Naruto cried. "Sheesh, you don't have to get all bent out of shape! It was a joke!" He pouted and looked at his feet. "Though she is at the optimal age for brainwashing and tutorin-gah! Kidding, kidding!"
Neji removed the hand he had jabbed into Naruto's side. Luckily, it was simply the martial aspect of the Jyuuken without the chakra addition. He nodded his head. "Despite the side-effects, I did enjoy the reversal you have placed on the hierarchy between the main and branch families. For that, I thank you. However, now Hanabi-sama and Hinata-sama have become even larger targets, since you have added your mark on them."
"Is it really that bad?" Tenten asked. "I mean, I can see how this would seem like a sign of weakness and all, but does it really have that big an effect?"
"I guess…?" Naruto said weakly.
"…you weren't even considering the ramifications of your actions, were you?"
"It was in the heat of the moment! I just wanted to smack some sense into them! I'm sorry, don't hurt me!"
Neji glanced at Naruto's cowering form and sighed. "Well, there is nothing we can do about it now. Though I do suspect that more and more of the branch family will be visiting you over time to relieve them of their…burden."
"Who says they haven't already?"
Neji stared for a moment, said nothing for a little while, and then let out a breathless laugh. "Truly, you are quite insane."
"And proud of it!" Naruto said.
"Well, now that you two boys have stopped measuring yourselves, maybe we can get to more important matters?" Tenten quipped. An exasperated smirk was on her face.
"Like what?" Naruto asked.
"Like Lee-kun and how he's going to do something bad to Metaru-chan." She pointed to the quartet, Lee gesturing wildly at the fox, who was listening in rapt attention. "By the way his face's gotten red, I think he's into step five of his "Flames of Youthfulness" speech." She shuddered visibly. "It all goes downhill after that."
"Oh, don't worry about it. I can just erase any information that Lee-senpai gives him when…" He stopped, and his face tightened in surprise. "Oh shoot, I can't do that anymore! Metaru's CORE won't let me!" He shot up and ran to the others. "Lee-senpai, don't corrupt my Metaru! That's my job!"
Neji and Tenten watched at the blonde ran, waving his arms vigorously. Neji smirked contemptuously as the inventor and green beast got into a pitched argument and turned to Tenten. His smirk grew. "Your face is loose."
Tenten looked away from the scene and at him. "Eh, what?"
"You were staring."
Tenten frowned and swatted him lightly on the shoulder. "Idiot."
Neji grunted. "Similar tastes, similar insanities. A perfect match."
"Yeah, yeah," Tenten said dismissively. She put her arms up behind her head. In the shade of the tree, it was almost impossible to see the slight hint of red. "Your point is?"
"None really." His smirk stayed, but in it was a hint of mischief that had been invading his features for the past month or so. "Just that I hope he does not kill anyone. That is a requirement of your co…" The rest was lost as Naruto came back, Metaru clung in his hands.
"I'm back~!" He stopped. "Eh, Tenten, why're you blushing?" His face became bashful. "Were you thinking of me…?"
Tenten rolled her eyes, the blush fading. "Right…that's exactly what I was thinking."
"Yay!" he squeaked. He extended his arms. "Metaru, say hello to Tenten!"
Metaru tilted his head, gears whirling faintly. "Are you gonna be my new mommy?"
A half-covered choke came from the side. Tenten glared at Neji, who had regained his calm and was pointedly looking the opposite direction. She just knew his bloodline was active, though. Tenten looked back Metaru, but not before catching sight of the sparkly-eyed Naruto. She sighed. "No, I'm not gonna be your mommy. Why would you think that?"
Metaru yawned. "'Cause daddy's always talking about you in his sleep or when he sniffed some bad drugs."
Tenten looked straight at Naruto. The boy just shrugged. "S'true."
She sighed again and took Metaru, cradling him in one arm. "Well, we're just friends. So you can just call me nee-chan, k?" Then she perked up. She glanced at Naruto, a devious smile crossing her lips. She dipped down and whispered something into Metaru's ear.
The fox's eyes widened. "Really…?"
"Yup."
"Yay!" He squirmed around in her arms to get a better view of Naruto. "I've gotta secret, and you can't know~."
"What?" Naruto said harshly. He pointed at Metaru, taking in the twin smiles on both his and Tenten's face. "Metaru, as your daddy, I order you to tell me!"
"Nyah!" Metaru batted a paw at his eye and stuck out his tongue, in what could only be described as an attempt at a raspberry red-eye. "Don't wanna!"
"Curses!"
Tenten laughed. "You know what? You are pretty cute."
"Yay, Tenten-neesama! I love you!" He licked her cheek. Tenten giggled in a surprisingly girlish manner. Naruto fumed.
"Curse you, Metaru! Curse your sudden and inevitable lack of respect!"
"You're weird, daddy."
The day went on.
"So…so…so yeah, yeah, I wanna be more like daddy!"
"And you need us to do so?"
"But daddy's so smart, and has so many toys! I wanna have toys like that!"
"I still don't understand why you need our assistance."
"But you guys helped me shoot the spiny things, and daddy was so proud of me! So, so, so, so if you help me do even more things, daddy'll be even more proud!"
"There was a discernable increase in boss's happiness after Metaru was equipped with the senbon blowgun, chief."
"And he did give us carte blanche to try and improve the overall effectiveness of his inventions when he wasn't actively using or improving them himself."
"I still do not-"
"But, but, but, I want iiiitttt! I want daddy to be proud of meeeeee!"
"Do not think your attempt at utilizing your cuteness factor will have an effect on us. We are immune to its effects. Not even utilizing your doe-eyes will work."
"Actually, chief, boss inputted a sub-routine into our obedience circuit so that it would work."
"…drat."
"Pweeeeaaassseeee…?"
"…okay, boys, let's get busy. Program MM-11 loaded. Retrieve the schematics for boss's building tools."
"Right, chief!"
"Yay!"
Sparks flew into the night.
T-minus twelve hours, fifty-eight minutes, seventeen seconds and counting.
A crash woke up Naruto. He scrambled around, grabbing the first thing his hands could find. Now, normally in cases like this, the character would find something weak or fairly useless, like a wrench or – if they were lucky – a baseball bat. In the soon-to-be-ruler-of-the-elemental-countries' case, it was something a bit more useful – a rather large and also-angry-to-be-woken-up former nuke-nin.
Who had a big-ass sword on his person.
Which immediately came swinging down to split the table right in half, sending shards of wood and metal in every direction.
"What the hell was that?" Zabuza shouted, jumping up from the now-destroyed table where another all-night party had taken place. Haku and the brothers were nowhere to be seen, having had admitted their limit and gone to sleep in their actual quarters.
"I knew it! I knew this day would come!" Naruto howled. "Sound the attack! We have invaders!"
"Not exactly, boss."
The two looked down to see A raising a hand at him. Well, its only hand; the other arm had been ripped off at its shoulder socket. It looked down at its missing limb. "Major Zabuza is a bit too twitchy in the morning. We should make note of that." He paused. "…I liked that arm."
"A?"
Zabuza twitched. "Waking me up when it's just your stupid security system. I'm going back to bed." He grumbled incomprehensibly and stomped out of the room.
"You really should stop gifting such dangerous weapons to such tense folks, boss. I really liked that arm."
"I'll make you another, A. Anyway, report. If it's not an attack, what was it?" A was silent. Naruto's eyebrow rose. "A…what aren't you telling me…?"
"I think I have made an error in judgment," A said guiltily.
"A…"
"The Naru-kuns executed enhancements on Metaru at his request. We had no choice in the matter, due to your programming. However, we may have been a bit…enthusiastic in our efforts."
"Oh, so you changed his body a bit? Don't worry, that's no problem. So, what? That crash was him falling due to the overhaul?"
"Not exactly…" A swung its hand around so it was behind its ear. "We made more than a few minor changes to Metaru's structure and size – more than his original blueprints accounted for." A's mouth opened, letting out a canned laugh-track. "And we may have implemented a few of your untested building methods to do so…at my orders."
"…which ones?"
A said nothing as it turned around and led Naruto to one of the assembly rooms on the bottom floor. In it were the remaining Naru-kuns sweeping up and trying to fix up the mess of rubble and parts scattered all around, including what was left of the northern wall, which was now nothing more than a gaping hole to the outside.
Almost the entire wall was missing, as though something had burst out from inside the room. Judging from the cracks on the roof around the wall, whatever had left had to crouch just to wriggle its way out. Naruto pursed his lips, raised a finger, and then lowered it.
"My baby grew up?"
"Your baby grew up a lot."
Naruto nodded. "Right then." He snapped his fingers, a transceiver popping out of some smoke. He grabbed it and adjusted the frequency. "This is Naruto calling Neji-han. Naruto calling Neji-han." There was nothing for a bit and then Neji's voice trickled out the receiver. Naruto gritted his teeth.
"Assemble…the clan!"
He paused.
"Eh, what?" He sighed. "Fine, five more minutes then assemble the clan! Yes, I realize how early- Well you don't have to get snippy- FINE! You can kill me later! Just get them!" He turned the transceiver off. "Honestly, the help these days…"
With the always increasing branch family on his side, he was sure he could find Metaru quickly. After all, how hard could it be to find a one-ton, one-story-tall mechanical fox?
Several hours later, the question was answered – somewhere between fairly hard to next-to-impossible.
Despite the multiple acts of destruction Metaru's enlarged body caused as he traveled through Konoha, no one was able to catch him as he mysteriously disappeared before anyone could fully survey the damage and no tracks were left to follow him.
"Gah! Why can't anyone find him? You'd think a giant fox in Konoha of all places would garner attention!"
"I apologize, Naruto-sama."
"Don't worry about it, Daisuke-kun," Naruto said to the Hyuuga at his side. "It's bad enough I led you on what's turning out to be some kind of wild fox-chase. You don't have to be apologetic about it."
"But without you, we never would have escaped the hold of the main family." Daisuke was one of the many branch Hyuuga that Naruto had 'rebranded.' Now he didn't have to worry about the constant threat of a painful death hanging over his head, which – at his young age of seventeen – was a very real and stressful thought. "The least we could do is help you out on this venture."
"Like I said, it's no problem," Naruto said humbly. "The only thing I'm really worried about is how Metaru is evading you. I'm pretty sure I don't have anything that could defeat the Byakugan without being com-plete-ly ob-vi…ous…" He trailed off.
"Naruto-sama?"
Naruto pressed a finger against the bone near his ear. "A, you didn't happen to apply the theory of my kakushi nuno, did you?"
"…maybe…boss? We might have applied a layer of mirror shine on Metaru's body as a finish. He did look exceptionally sparkly after that."
Naruto smacked his head. Great. Now he had to deal with an invisible one-ton, one-story-tall mechanical fox. And the worst part was it was possible for Metaru to evade the Byakugan in that state.
As far as he could tell from the studies he had done on willing branch Hyuuga, Neji in particular, the Byakugan was simply much like the rest of its kekkai genkai brethren – it was a genetic mutation.
A Byakugan user's eyes probably had an extraordinary number of rod and cone cells, and maybe even other kinds that didn't exist in normal humans. Thus, they could distinguish pretty much anything in a visible light range, and especially chakra, which normally registered on a completely different energy wavelength akin to UV rays or infrared. They probably didn't so much see through objects as around them, quite literally reflecting the light they absorbed to such an extent that to simply see into a building, they just needed one invasive light source. Chakra most likely also played an effect, allowing their sight to 'rebound' as it were. It was probably the reason the Byakugan's effectiveness was lessened in dark places, and why they couldn't see through foggy conditions – there was simply nothing to reflect from.
Of course, this was all just conjecture, and most likely would remain as such until he had the chance to examine a Hyuuga eye directly (and he wasn't exactly rushing to find one), but if it was at least slightly true, then it would explain why Metaru couldn't be found.
The kakushi nuno worked by refracting light around it as well as weaving a slight genjutsu effect to ward off any visual discrepancies, thus changing the way light made it visible, thus it disappeared from sight. So, even if the Byakugan could see it, with no light reflecting off Metaru, it would still not register the scene.
And then you had an invisible giant fox with the mind of a child. Now, if Naruto could only discern a way around the advantage.
Daisuke nodded, removing the transceiver from his ear. "Naruto-sama, one of the others has discovered something. Apparently some invisible monster just attacked a coffee house." He raised the radio back to his ear. "Correction. It ate part of the coffee house, specifically the giant espresso cup that made up its sign."
Or he could just run with that.
"Where was it?" Naruto asked.
"In the uptown section on fifth and Suzume," the older man answered. "A 'Bean Addict's Delight.'"
"That's where I took Metaru yesterday when I was showing him around town," Naruto muttered. "I wanted to show him where his daddy got his coffee, but what…" He trailed off, his face growing pale.
"Naruto-sama? What's wrong? Did something happen?"
Metaru wanted to be like his daddy, so he changed his very soul. Metaru wanted to be strong like his daddy, so he changed his appearance. Metaru wanted to drink coffee like is daddy, so he went to his daddy's favorite coffee place. Metary wanted to eat-
Naruto's leg shined, his Ukabeita latching on to his feet. Without a word, he zoomed past Daisuke, a grim and panicked expression on his face.
He knew where Metaru would be next, and he couldn't let the fox have his way, as innocent and pure as it was. Because Metaru was still young, and he did things in spades, just like his daddy. But this was something he had to do carefully, seriously.
Naruto had to stop him.
T-minus twenty minutes, thirty-five seconds and counting.
Naruto arrived at Ichiraku's, relieved to see that nothing was amiss. He reabsorbed the hoverboard back into its seal and ran the rest of the way to the ramen stand. He slammed his hands on the counter.
"Ayame-neechan!"
"Naruto-kun!" the older girl squealed happily, twirling around from the stove. "It's so nice to see you! Why are you here? Did you come to see your big sister again?"
"Oh, Naruto, welcome!" Teuchi added. "You want the usual?"
"Now's not the time!" Naruto yelled, shocking both of the stand's workers. Naruto? Turning down ramen? What in the blazes…? "Have either of you seen Metaru?"
"Your little fox?" Ayame asked, shaking off her surprise. She remembered the sweet, little thing, and how it had nearly drowned in one of their pots when exploring the kitchen. It was so cute; almost as much as Naruto! "No, not since yesterday. Why?" She gasped and put her hands to her mouth. "Oh no! Don't tell me he got lost!"
"Sormething like that," Naruto said hesitantly.
"That's too bad, son," Teuchi said compassionately. "Did you want our help?"
"No, there's no worries about that," Naruto laughed. "In fact, I kinda know he's gonna be 'round here soon."
"Well, that's great then!" Ayame said happily. Now she would have two cuties to hug and squeeze and kiss and…other things the author cannot write due to age ratings. "So why do you look so worried, then?"
"Well, it's kinda compli-"
He was interrupted when the ground shook, broth spilling over from the pots and some of the bowls. Teuchi regained his balance, one hand steadied on a support beam. "Whoa! What is this, an earthquake?"
"No…" Naruto grimaced. He stepped out of the stand, facing where the sound of the quakes were coming from.
In the distance, he could make out large paw marks stomping into the dirt, rapidly approaching his position. At his size, there was no way Metaru could hide his tracks at that speed. Why no one had really seen his tracks before, Naruto was suspicious of, but not really focused on at the moment.
The incoherent string of yells became clearer as Metaru drew closer, coalescing into a frantic jumble of, "RamenramenramenramenramenRAMENRAMENRAMEN…!"
Naruto squared his shoulders, set his feet on the ground and took a deep breath before releasing it. "Metaru, STOOOOOOOOOOPPP!"
The approaching footprints turned into a drag mark, and earth gathered up in a growing wave in front of the massive creature. It finally stopped a scant few feet in front of Naruto, the breeze from its dash blasting over him like a storm gale.
Naruto tapped his foot and crossed his arms. "Metaru, you better show yourself, young man!"
The invisible mass shimmered for a second before melting into Metaru, who was a good ten feet tall and four feet wide, even sitting on his haunches, with now two tails moving excitedly behind him. He opened his mouth and laughed. "Hi, daddy!"
Ayame's mouth widened at the impressive sight of the humongous mech. Then she internally cheered. More Metaru meant more of him to hug! She sunk into daydreams.
Teuchi just wondered if he had enough ramen to feed the newly-sized fox.
Naruto frowned angrily. "Metaru, you are in a lot of trouble, mister!"
"But, daddy, I-!"
"No buts! You caused a lot of trouble around the village! I'm very proud that you took initiative to make yourself stronger, but there's a limit to what you can do! You're still young, and there's a lot you don't know yet, and one of them is biting off more than you can chew, and that's what you did when you roped the Naru-kuns into building you a new body!"
"But I'm so big!"
"Yes, and you were about destroy Ichiraku," Naruto scolded.
"No I wouldn't! I love Ayame-neechan and Teuchi-jisan!"
Naruto sighed. "I know you do, but you're so big, you might have done it completely by accident." He smiled kindly. "It'll be okay. You can grow into your new body eventually, but not now. I just want to see my little Metaru as he always was."
Metaru's ears drooped. "…k, daddy."
Naruto nodded. The way A and the others had explained it, they had used his new bonding method to build Metaru's new body. It worked by sealing layers of metal on each other by using chakra as a connecting bond through the concept of adhesion. Metaru's original body was still there; the Naru-kuns had just added layer after layer on top. One small movement from Metaru's original body meant a exaggerated effect on his larger. And to get rid of them, he just had to release the chakra that held it all together.
Naruto nodded. "Metaru, unseal the chakra bonds. Let me get a good look at my little sweetie."
Metaru smiled. "Okay, daddy!" He started to glow.
"Are you sure that was a wise decision, doctor?" Kyuubi's voice asked.
"What do ya mean, Kyuu-chi?"
"Judging from the exponential readjustment of Metaru's size, the number of metal layers required to achieve that volume is quite large. Thus the amount of chakra needed to bond it all together is exceptionally large as well. By my calculations, the simultaneous release of chakra, translated to heat energy as the bleed-off, equates to about fifty-three of your normal bombs exploding at once. The blast radius and power will be extensive."
"…oh."
"It is times like this that I am no longer displeased with having an incorporeal form."
"…well, cr-"
The table rattled. Sarutobi placed the cup of tea back down on it, luckily having taken if off to take a sip. Also luckily, he spilled not a drop on his clothes.
"Iruka-kun?"
"The usual, Sarutobi-sama?"
"The usual, Iruka-kun."
Iruka nodded and reached for the appropriate insurance forms.
T-plus twenty-three seconds…and counting.
A/N: Ninth chapter gone! Sorry this took so long, I was a bit backed up with some horrible writer's block. But now it's gone and I finished the chapter! Yay! As you can see, I eased off the drama for a bit and returned to the silly humor and explosions 'Nin Tech' is known for! Awesome. In any case, these author notes will be a bit short, as I don't have much to say. Expect more chapters in the future, and I hope you continue to enjoy this fic! See ya next time!
Next Chapter – Beneath the Buns
Omake!
Why I Don't Do Angst
He couldn't allow this. He could not allow his beloved to just die and wither away like this! How could he call himself a ruler if such things happened so easily? He was nothing but a worthless fool then! How dare he try and rise above his status if this was how the heavens smacked him back down. A man in mourning, an existence hated by all!
He knew that Teuchi and Ayame would forgive him, or at least he hoped they would. But to lose their means of survival because he acted in such frivolous fashion? The shame! But even if they did, he would never forgive himself from causing such a calamitous event.
How pitiful was he! How wretched! Such a useless and despicable person!
No! No longer! He would find a better way! He would make it so that his beloved would never die! Even if he had to trade away his body and soul to the devil, he would not fail in this endeavor!
"I'll make it so that they can never die. With my science, they'll never be destroyed no matter what the opposition! Crushing, grinding, acid, fire, hail – nothing will harm them! I'll dive into the ocean of madness and come out the other end with the elixir of immortality! I swear it!"
He stood up and bared his teeth to the heavens.
"I swear it!"
Meizu and Gouzu watched from the hallway to Naruto's study as Naruto fell into broken laughter. Gouzu frowned.
"Won't that just make the ramen inedible?"
Meizu shrugged. "Eh, whatever floats his boat."
They both sighed in unison and walked off.
Copyright Infringement no Jutsu!
"Boss-dood."
Naruto swiveled around in his chair and stopped short at the sight.
One of the Naru-kuns was clad in a stuffed-animal suit. Naruto thought it could be a penguin, but he had not seen many penguins with peg legs, a satchel on its stomach, bat-wings on its back, and wide, expressionless eyes. Plus the costume was disproportionately rounded and the white tummy looked like it was stitched intentionally badly and overdone compared to the rest of the outfit.
"Captain Haku ordered to make me where this, dood. She said how I would look adorable in it," it explained. "Also, I think there's been some corruption in my verbal routines, dood."
"Which one are you?" Naruto asked, casing it over. "You're all covered up and I can't see your letter."
"P, boss-dood."
Naruto was silent for a moment. He nodded with a serious face. "As of now, you are officially assigned as Captain Haku's personal assistant. I'll make some modifications to your chassis so that the costume fits over you better as well as changing your weapon systems to better suit your new form. And don't worry about your verbal routines. It fits, oddly enough. Understood?"
"Roger, dood." P saluted and waddled out of the room.
Naruto turned back to his notes and began jotting things down, including measurements for the new chassis. Bombs and knives would be best for weapons, especially if using the satchel as P's new storage space.
He didn't quite know why, but he had the undeniable urge to add nitroglycerine to its hydraulics network.
