Raizo's POV

After Mika fell asleep, I remained awake thinking of all she told me before. Of all the pain and death she had to go through in a few years, resulting in her path to Europol and eventually me. Now she faces danger and death almost constantly.
What surprised me the most however, was that she compared my leaving her to her parents' or grandmother's deaths. Did I mean that much to her? Was I really more to her than just protection? I knew that she was placed at the top of my priorities list, but why was that? At this point as I thought about how she was useful to me in the beginning for her connection to the government, but now? Why was I taking care of her? Why was I using all my available resources to make sure she's all right? At this point, all she was doing was slowing me down. Interpol already started it's investigation into the clans and the client list who hired them.
However, just the thought of leaving her was unthinkable. If she died, it'd be blasphemy of the worst kind. Why was that? Why did none of my plans even include leaving her behind, as if my brain couldn't understand the concept? Was it because of Kiriko? Somehow in my heart, I knew that wasn't it. All she had in common with Kiriko was her incredibly warm and special heart. I never was reminded of Kiriko was I was with her anymore. It was as if after Master Ozunu's death, I felt closure over her death.

Back to my... whatever it was that I feel about Mika, is it because I felt loyal to her for her saving my life back at the dojo and my ninja education only reinforced the idea of loyalty, growing up? I knew that was wrong too. Although the idea of being unloyal to her was as unthinkable as the idea of leaving her behind, I knew that was not the reason for all of this. I never felt the need to be with her like I was feeling now. It was a strange, uncomfortable feeling, unknowning of what was going on.

I looked at her and my expression relaxed, marginally of course. I'm still a emotionally dead ninja with a history (and inevitably, future) filled with trauma, death and a seemingly endless pool of pain. I am so confused when it comes feelings, especially women, it's almost ridiculous. This makes it even more confusing as to why she had a breakdown at the thought of me leaving and why she decided to tell me her past when all I am is a stranger who hasn't ever told her anything about my own past. Leading me bavk to the two questions bothering me right now. Why do I care about her? Why does she care about me?

As I look at her beautiful face sleeping, all doubts leave my mind and all I realize is that this feels right. I look carefully at her perfect features and notice with a start that she looks distraught. She appears to have a nightmare. She's still hugging me from before she fell asleep, her grip tightens occasionally and every once in a while she nuzzles my chest in her sleep. Months ago, I wouldn't let her do this or even be this close, but now, it's natural. I don't mean that I'm used to it because she always does it in her sleep, although that does help. I mean that it just feels right and relaxing when we sleep this way, just as it does when we hold hands or when I have my arms around her. All that I told her about why I do that is true, it does bring the people comfort to know I'm not involving a stranger. However it's not the only reason. It gets me angry to see those men look her up and down, to stare at her so lustily. I want to be the only man to touch her and that scares me. Nothing scares me, not even death, just her and the feelings inside of me because of her.

Feelings? Is that it? Do I have feelings for Mika? I think and yet nothing tells me no like before. Emptyness surrounds me as I search for something inside of me to reject the idea. I look at her scared face again and cup it with my scarred hands. She instantly relaxes, I do too. There's no more neglecting it, I have my answer.

I close my eyes, still touching her face and lower my head onto hers, pressing my face into her hair. It's as if with the revelation, the skies open up and I find the answers to almost all of my previous questions.

I can't leave her because I care about her. My affection to her stops me from thinking about her dieing. I am jealous when those other men stare at her. I lov- do I love her? No. I don't have the capacity to love anyone. I lost that ability years ago, all I will be able to do is lust and care for her. Get as close to love, without ever being able to do it. My love will never be able to be the real pure love, just a crippled dark version of it. But, looking at people like Richard and Ruby, like that old man who I bought the papers from and my past, is real pure love really out there. I've never seen it. Does it even exist?

I press my face deeper into her hair and caress her face some more and I find out the answer again. Yes, that love does exist, the love her parents had, the love she had for both of them and her grandmother and later on the love she'll have for some other man. It hurts me to think about it, in the way no sword or cut ever can, deep in my dead heart. Some day, when I get her out of this, she'll meet some perfect guy, because she deserves no less, who she'll fall in love with. They'll get married, have children, and grow old together. All I'll have is this defected love and my memories of these days when I get to be this close to her.

This is all inevitable as however she may feel about me, it's cannot be love. Not after all I've done and who I am. The most I can ask for is that she still wishes to see me after all this is done with, that she allows me to be by her side for the rest of my unimportant life and make it useful by making sure that she's safe and protected always.

I leave my face in her hair, where it gives me this sense of home that I've never gotten before, to contemplate what she's going through right now. Why did she tell me about her life? Not that I don't want to know, but why did she tell me her most emotional experience? I hug her tight with the arm that's still around her for two reasons: one, for her sad traumatic past. The second reason, in a few days I will have to leave her, to save her life. Leave her... that's hard to think about now, but the thought that it's the only way to stop the clans from targeting her is what keeps me from throwing the plan in the garbage and running with her for the rest of our lives.

I let go of her face and pull my face away from her, still hugging her with one arm and settle into a nonchalant position so if she wakes, she won't realize how she changed my world completely. I vow to myself to enjoy the next few days with her to my greatest ability. After all, some day when I'm old, they might be all I have left to remember her by when she wants a normal life away from me. That is, if I live through the meeting with the clan leaders.

I fall into a light sleep, as always, with her body pressed against my own, however feeling lightyears away with my new revelation.