Disclaimer: I don't own Rizzoli and Isles.
After a month of pretending, Jane felt broken down and more lonely than she ever had in her life. Although she saw Maura regularly at work, it was nothing like it had been before. Sometimes the empty hole that Maura had left behind threatened to open up and swallow her, but she managed to make it through her days, one by one.
One chilly day in November, Jane found herself at a crime scene without Maura. This wasn't entirely unusual, since the M.E. often sent her assistants to collect bodies in routine cases. But Jane overheard the assistant mention that Maura hadn't been into work in two days—she had come down with the flu.
Jane instantly felt guilty—the two women had become so adept at avoiding each other that she hadn't even noticed that Maura wasn't at work. Then she thought about Maura alone and sick and her heart melted.
Late that afternoon Jane managed to get away from work a little early and she made a beeline to her mother's house to collect supplies.
"Ma, do you have any of that special soup you make for sick people in here?" Angela Rizzoli came down the stairs to find her daughter pulling plastic containers out of the freezer.
"Why?" Angela took her daughter's face in her hands to check for signs of illness. "You look fine, who's sick? Frankie?"
"No, Ma, Maura's got the flu. Quit pinching me."
"Maura? Oh, that's too bad. Here, get out of the way and I'll find the soup before you ruin everything in my freezer." Jane stepped away and started to look for her mother's homemade cough drops in a cupboard next to the refrigerator.
"Jane, I thought you and Maura had a falling out—are you two back together?"
"What do you mean, back together?" Jane felt herself blush. She hadn't said a word to anyone about what had transpired between her and Maura, and she thought she had been covering up pretty well.
"I wasn't born yesterday, Jane. You two were way too, um, close to be just friends. But I haven't heard a thing about her in weeks, and Frankie says—"
"Frankie says what? Geez, is everyone butting into my life now?" Jane ran her hand through her hair and headed down the hallway.
"Jane, get back here—we should talk about this!"
"I'm looking for the cough drops, ma, just wait half a second, okay?"
Jane stayed in the bathroom long after she found the cough drops, trying to figure out exactly what she was going to say to her mother. She really had no idea how Angela would react if she found out that her daughter was in love with a woman, but at the same time she was slightly relieved to discover that at least her mother knew something was going on and actually wanted to talk about it. The truth was, Jane had been keeping everything bottled up for so long that she was dying to have someone to talk to.
When Jane returned to the kitchen, Angela was putting the soup container into a plastic sack, along with some crackers and a box of tissues. She handed it to Jane, who added the cough drops and then just stood in the kitchen looking slightly uncomfortable.
"So, are you going to tell me what's going on?"
Jane sighed. "Okay, you're sort of right. I wanted to—you know, try being in a relationship with Maura." Jane turned around and headed for the living room so that she wouldn't have to look her mother in the eyes.
"We got along so well, and you know how horrible I am at dating. I thought it might be a good idea."
"And?" Angela followed her daughter into the living room.
Jane hesitated. She did not want her mother to know the disastrous details of her one sexual experience with Maura.
"And, when I, um," Jane hemmed and hawed, searching for the right words, "When I broached the subject with Maura, she—she didn't react well. So we're trying to pretend like nothing ever happened and go back to being friends."
"And?"
Jane wondered how her mother always knew there was more to the story.
"And, that's not going very well either, okay? But I found out that she has the flu, and I can't just leave her alone when she's sick, so I'm going to bring her some soup and try to take care of her, if she'll let me."
"You really love her, don't you, Jane," said Angela softly. She squeezed her daughter's arm sympathetically.
Jane just nodded and took a deep breath, feeling emotionally overwhelmed and not really trusting herself to speak.
Angela continued to ask questions, trying to figure out the situation. "So Maura doesn't like women? Is that why she rejected you?"
"I don't know, Ma. Geez, put it bluntly, why don't you. This is so embarrassing," Jane sniffled.
"I'm your mother, Janie, it's not embarrassing. In some ways this might be a good thing—now we know that you like women, you can–"
"Ma, don't even start—you are not going to try to set me up with women!" Jane gave a half-hearted laugh, wiping away the few tears that had fallen onto her cheeks. "Besides, I don't even know if I like women, you know, that way. I just—I just like Maura. She's—she's everything to me, and I just can't believe I messed things up so badly." New tears began collecting in her eyes despite her efforts to hold them back.
"Jane, I know you don't want advice from an old woman, but I think if she means that much to you then you ought to try and fix it."
"How am I supposed to fix it, if I don't even know what's wrong? She won't tell me. She won't talk to me. The longest conversation we've had in the last month was about the weather!"
"So you don't know what you did wrong?"
"She says I didn't do anything wrong. But that's all she's said."
"Really? You aren't leaving something out?"
Without really knowing why, Jane just blurted everything out in short but loud sentences while she paced around the room.
"We had sex, okay? I know that's what you want to know. Then suddenly she was crying and yelling at me, and she says she wants to just pretend it never happened. And I don't want to pretend, I don't want to forget, I want to know why she hates me and then figure out how to make her not hate me! And I want to stop feeling like a damn teenager who just got dumped!"
Angela quickly crossed the room so that she could put her arms around Jane, who had sunk onto the couch with tears streaming down her face.
"Shh, honey, it's okay," whispered Angela, holding her sobbing daughter until she began to breathe normally again.
"Listen, Jane. I don't know Maura as well as you do, but I do know that you two are the same in one important way. You're both tough on the outside and soft as jelly on the inside. I've seen Maura with you, and it's always been plain as day that she loves you. There's no way that she hates you—I don't believe that for one second. But for some reason she feels like she has to be tough right now, and that she has to protect her heart. So she's pushing you away, even though she probably hurts just as much as you do."
"How do you know that, Ma?" Jane mumbled, still sniffling.
"Because I've seen you do the same thing just about a thousand times, that's why!"
Jane chuckled. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm doing it right now, aren't I? I'm just as stubborn as she is."
Angela just nodded.
"So what do I do now?"
"Something really hard. Especially for you."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ma. Are you going to tell me?"
"You have to be patient. Wait until she's ready to deal with it. But there's one thing she's really wrong about—you can't pretend like nothing happened. Stop pretending, Jane. And get over there and bring her this soup!"
"Thanks, Ma."
Jane drove quickly to Maura's house and after parking out front she dialed Maura's phone number.
"Isles."
Jane winced at the impersonal way that Maura now answered her calls, but remembered what her mother said and tried not to get upset.
"Hey, Maura, it's Jane. I heard you were sick and I brought you some stuff—I'll just let myself in with my key so you don't have to get out of bed, okay?"
"Jane, that's really not necessary, and I don't want you to catch this." Maura's voice sounded scratchy.
"I'm already out front, it's no big deal. I had the flu last year, and a flu shot a couple of weeks ago, so I probably won't get it.
"Jane, really, I'm fine."
"Maura, I'm not taking no for an answer. You are my friend, and I don't want you to be alone when you're sick."
Maura was silent for a second, and then said in a small voice, "Okay. You can come in."
Jane found Maura in bed, looking pale and shivering. "Oh, sweetie, you look terrible! What kind of flu is this?"
Maura spoke more slowly than usual, and she didn't even lift her head off the pillow, but her answer was as precise as ever. "There's no way to be sure without some lab work, and most physicians prefer not to see flu patients except in cases of severe dehydration or other anomalies. So I'm not entirely sure."
Jane smiled at Maura's answer, but didn't tease. "I meant, what do you feel like? What are your symptoms?"
"Fever, chills, fatigue, sore throat, loss of appetite, and muscle aches."
"So, in other words, you feel like you want to die."
Maura smiled weakly, but Jane could see tears threatening. "Yes, that's exactly it."
Jane put her hand on Maura's forehead. "Maura! You're burning up! Aren't you taking anything for the fever?"
"Yes, but it's not helping anymore and I can't take another dose for," she paused to look at the clock on the bedside table, "twenty-two more minutes."
"Oh yeah, I remember that from last year. The stuff always wears off too damn fast." She stroked Maura's hair briefly. "Do I still have some old pajamas here?"
"I think so, in the guest room, but Jane, I don't think—" Jane ignored her friend and headed down the hall. She came back in half a minute wearing sweatpants and a long-sleeved t-shirt. She climbed into bed next to Maura, hoping that her additional body heat would keep her patient from shivering so violently.
"Jane—"
"Relax, Maura, I'm not going to come onto you when you have the flu. I'm just trying to warm you up." Jane turned on her side and put her arms around Maura's waist, pulling her close.
"That's not what I was going to say, I just don't want you to get sick."
"I probably won't get sick, and anyway who cares if I do? You spent how many hours sitting with me when I was in the hospital this summer? How many hours cooking meals for me when I was recovering, cleaning up after me, doing my laundry. Even if I get the flu for a week I'd still owe you."
Maura had no energy to protest further. She took several deep breaths, and Jane felt her body calm down. She stopped shivering, and let herself lean back into Jane. After a few moments, murmured softly, "I'm so glad you're here, Jane."
"I'm glad I'm here too. I'm sorry that you're sick, but I'm glad to be with you." Jane took a deep breath before continuing.
"Listen, Maura, I want you to know something. This has been the worst month of my life; I've missed you so much." Jane's voice cracked with emotion. "I don't care what kind of relationship you want to have, I don't care what happened before or why it happened—but I want you in my life. I don't know what you want me to do or say so I'll just say I love you, I love you so much, and I'm done pretending."
Jane felt Maura take a couple of deep breaths, and then she turned over to face her friend. There were tears in her eyes, but Jane only saw them briefly before Maura curled up against the length of Jane's body again, tucking her head into the crook of Jane's neck.
She whispered against Jane's chest, "I can't pretend any more either. I love you too, and I'm sorry. Please stay. Please say you'll stay with me."
"I'm not going anywhere, Maura. Not ever."
