A/N: bahhh, I'm so sorry it took so long to update. Life happened, and I was sick and blah, I don't want to bore you. So to make up for the lateness, this chapter is long(ish).
Enjoy!
Amanda stops breathing about an hour after all the boys have their small, tiny breakfast. They had made it a regular thing to go and check on her at thirty minute intervals, always switching off who checked up on her. It had been Carlos' turn when he found her not breathing and without a pulse.
"Guys!" Carlos yells, his voice saturated with sadness and sorrow. He's frightened, actually. "Come over here, quickly!"
They all run- they think that maybe Carlos somehow hurt himself, or he's spotted something that could help them. When they reach where Carlos was kneeling though, they understand that he's trying to tell them something.
"She's-" Carlos starts, but is unable to finish. "She's-" he tries again. "Gone."
The boys all look at each other before having a group hug, in which Carlos was the center as they all hugged him, letting his tears fall of their shoulders.
They decide not to bury her- they don't have the heart to do so. They don't want to have to lay her in a horribly dug, man made grave, watching her body limp in the ground. Instead, they take one of their three blankets, and cover her body up. Kendall and Carlos would share a blanket too, just like Logan and James had done. They each have a different emotion, all of them with a tear in their eye, but Carlos is worse than the other. He's always been sensitive, but not to the extent where one single insult would push him over the edge of being depressed- nothing like that. It's not that he's necessarily stereotypically girly because he's sensitive like that, but it is just a part of who he is, naturally. So, given the fact that he does have this secret side to him, Carlos offers an idea that the four boys share their favorite memories about Amanda, say a few words, as they all sat around her body.
Logan goes first, speaking with a voice that sounded so worn and tired. "I guess my favorite memory is when Amanda first started working for us. On her very first day, she took as all out to lunch, and made us do all of those stupid 'breaking the ice' games, like 'Never Have I Ever', and things like that. I remember that we had such a fun time with her that day." Logan's voice starts to quiver a fraction. "She'll be missed." James puts a hand on the back of Logan's next, squeezing it gently in a comforting way, watching the tear roll down Logan's cheek.
Kendall is up next. "Mine's not so much a memory, but something she did all of the time, that sort of define her, as a person. She only did things that annoyed us because she cared about us. No matter how mean or bitchy she got, she only did it because she believed in us and wanted us to do well. Whenever she was mean, she was nice about it." Kendal cleared his throat, obviously affected by the statement he had just made. Kendall's more reserved with his feelings when it comes to serious matters, such as death. He's always had trouble when it comes to showing emotions, but he's never let that stop him; he's still the same fun loving Kendall that he always has been.
James is next in the circle, and he's oddly quiet. He's usually never lost for words. "Um," He stutters for a moment. "I don't really know what to say. There were a lot of things that I liked about Amanda, but I have no clue how to put those into words." He subconsciously runs a hand through his hair. "She never judged anybody. Even if they did something totally wrong, her view of them would never change. She was so not judgmental that we all had no problems being the real us around her. It wasn't like we were with a stranger the entire time, and we had to be polite and open doors for them or any of that. Maybe we didn't know her for that long of a time- but in the time that we did know her, she really became part of the family. I don't you guys feel that way or not, but, to me, she felt like she belonged with, belonged in the job that she had. She was part of the BTR family." James' eyes are pink and puffy around the edges and his voice sounds tight- it's unnerving for the others to see, James breaking down like this. The effects of death takes a huge toll on people, and the boys are only now starting to see it.
After a long silence, it's finally Carlos' turn. He's holding Amanda's wallet in his hands, and takes out the letter from he family. "This," Carlos waves the letter around. "This was my favorite thing about her. Her family- this letter. I-I, I mean it just proved to me to me that she had a life outside of her job, y'know? I've met so many people who are all about their job or Hollywood and fame and fortune, that they forget about their families. Amanda isn't like that- wasn't like that. Being a part of something bigger, and better than just yourself, is something that can't be replaced, by anything. Amanda reminded me of that."
"Let's make a pact," Kendall announces, after they've all shed a few tears, and what has happened has sunken in. "When we get back to civilization, we'll take this letter, and these memories of Amanda and bring them to her husband and child. They gave us so much without even realizing it- it's time to give them something back."
The rest of the day is quiet. The boys don't speak unless it's time to eat something. Reality is beginning to set on them. They hadn't thought about the effects that this would have on the other people who were in the crash. From all the stories one can ever hear about plane crashes, or being lost in the wild, it's always been about helping yourself, like it's a one man battle. But the stories are exactly that- a story. James had done some thinking- they had had a lot of time to think, but he had thought about the story his grandfather had told him.
James' grandfather, Pappy, as he had called him, had been in a war, which war, James wasn't sure, but he was in this war, and he had all of these really amazing war stories that James used to love when he was little. James smiles at the memory of sitting on his Grandfathers lap, hearing the tales.
"Now, Jimmy," He had said. "Here's a story for you. I was a young lad, about twenty four years young, when I was stranded on an island with two other men. I had never met these fellows before in my life." James had listened with ears wide open, eager the hear more. "Listen, Jimmy. When I was stranded, the first couple of days, I only cared about myself- I didn't even talk to the other two. They were just acquaintances as the time. Little did I know that they would become two of my best friends…" Pappy had paused, looking out in the distance. "We never talked until two days before we were rescued. We were out there for 11 days, alone with no one but ourselves, and we never talked. It wasn't until one of them hurt their ankle, and I had to help them that I started to talk to them."
"Pappy?" James had asked. "Why are you telling me this?"
"James," he said. "I'm telling you this so that you do the right thing before disaster strikes. Don't wait until something terrible happens to make decisions. It's how I raised your father, and that's how I want you to be raised."
James is brought out of his memory when his shoulder is shook by Carlos. "Where's the first aid box?" he asks, noticing the distant look in James' eyes. " I need to wrap Kendall's knee again."
James motions over to his bag. "It's over there, in my backpack."
Don't wait until something terrible happens to make decisions, James thinks to himself. But, disaster has already struck- Amanda died, along with the pilot of the plane, and the stewardess, who never got a chance to leave the plane. James is concentrating hard on what they should do. Now that he remembers what his Pappy had told him, he wants to do something that would make him happy. He needs to think of something that could increase their chances of survival. He wants to be able to go the Florida when they're rescued to visit Pappy and tell him all about this whole mess. That is, if their ever rescued.
"How's Kendall's leg?" James looks over his shoulder to see Logan standing over Carlos wrapping Kendall's leg.
"It's looking better," Carlos says, focused on what he's doing. "Does it still hurt?"
Kendall nods. "It's bearable, just not exactly comfortable yet."
"Can you walk?" James asks.
"Probably,"
James nods. "I think we should start moving around."
"What do you mean?" Carlos asks.
" I mean, that instead of just sitting here, wasting away, we should start moving around. For all we know we could be in someone's backyard, or near a town." James shrugs, "If we move around, walk this plain of land, then it could increase the possibility of being rescued. It's better to be up and moving then just sitting here."
Logan glances at Kendal who shrugs, and says, "I think my knee can hold up."
"So, is it agreed that we'll move around?" James asked. "We don't have to, I mean, it's just what I think would be best. I don't want to have to wait for something terrible to happen before we do something. Better safe then sorry."
"I think it's a great idea." Carlos said. "We can leave tomorrow?"
James nods. "Sounds like a plan."
Morning sneaks up on the boys like a shadow. One minute they close their eyes, excited for the quiet time of sleep, and then the next minute the sun is warming their skin, kissing it gently. James is the first one awake, waiting for the others to open their eyes to the day ahead of them. Carlos wakes just shortly after James, followed by Kendall. Logan is the last one to wake, half and hour after Kendall. They're still quiet, though. The memories of yesterday, with Amanda, are still fresh in their mind. Carlos is the only one who goes over to Amanda, and sits next to her body, and just sits there for a while. One would think that he'd be grossed out, sitting next to a dead body, especially since he's a germ freak. But he's not, and James actually thinks it's kind of beautiful-seeing Carlos' barriers down, just sitting there, no worries about germs anymore. It's changing Carlos, being there; James almost thinks it's making Carlos a better, stronger person. If their lives weren't being threatened and they weren't worrying about starving to death, James would think that this whole mess is actually a good thing for them.
As they pack up their bags, Kendall sits and watches. The boys, especially Carlos, agree that he shouldn't have to be on his feet more than he already has to be. As much as he thinks this is a good idea, James' heart is still racing, and he's feeling oddly nervous. He's usually calm about things- he's the one who calms everyone down when needed. But now he's starting to get worried. He feels guilty for making Kendall walk, but he needs to make sure that he pleases his Pappy.
It's definitely getting colder. Their cheeks are red and rosy, and their fingers feel numb. They shove them in their pockets to keep them warm, and zip their jackets all the way up. They don't have that much to wear- they were heading back to L.A. where it was always sunny and warm, so they dressed lightly. A light jacket or sweatshirt over a tee-shirt and a pair of jeans. Simple and easy, right? But now as the days grow longer, and get colder, they switch off who get to wrap the blankets around themselves.
"Holy hell, it's cold." Kendall says, as he stands up, preparing to start walking.
"It'll get better once we start moving." Logan says. "We won't even need the blankets today, I bet."
"You guys ready?" James asks. When they all nod, he says, "Let's boogie," Which brings a smile to the boys faces. Even if he may not feel totally confident about this like he should, James still had the power to brighten up any mood, even in the worse conditions. It's one of the reasons they trust James unconditionally.
They move for about two hours, and then take a break. Kendall ends up being in some serious pain when they finally stop. Kendall drops down onto a rock, cursing under his breath, as Carlos kneels down next to him, asking if he was okay. "Just dandy," Kendall says. "I'm sorry that I'm going to be the one who slows us down, but I just- can't walk anymore."
"We get it, Kendall," Logan says. He looks at James who is running a hand through his hair, kicking the dark under his feet. "Is this a good place to stop for a night?"
When James looks up and Logan, Logan feels something drop in his chest. They've been out there for five days now, and they aren't seeing any sign of life in this god forsaken spot of land, and that's exactly what Logan sees when he looks at James. There a dark purple bruise like circles under his eyes, which makes Logan think that James hasn't slept at all, which James really hasn't slept that much, he would just never tell anybody that. There's a slight layer of stubble that Logan can now feel on his cheeks, as well as all the others. They're all in desperate need of a real shower; they had used the lake that they crashed in to 'shower' or really just rinse off, but their hair still was dirty and disgusting.
"This is great," James says, dropping his bag on the ground, and taking out his water bottle. There wasn't much left, not that there was a lot to begin with- they'd have to cut down even more on what they ate.
Logan watches James carefully. Something's off with him, and Logan wants to get to the bottom of it. "James, can I talk to you for a minute?" Logan says, right up against him, whispering so that Carlos and Kendall can't hear.
James nods, and tells them, "We're going to go look for ground that's flatter than this. We'll be back soon."
Carlos mutters something about not getting lost, which they technically already were, but whatever. Once the two of the are out of ear shot, Logan goes, "What's wrong?"
James looks at him and shrugs. "Aside from being completely lost? Nothing, really."
Logan stops, and crosses his hands over his chest, leaning against a tree. "You know James, you really don't fool me. I know when something's is bothering you." James sits at a foot of a tree across from Logan and Logan raises an eyebrow. James is silent. "Jay, you look like you slept for an hour at most, your being completely silent, and your just not being….James. I know we're in a tough situation, we all know. But, there's something more with you isn't there?"
James looks at Logan's trusting eyes and says, "I'm scared." It's the first time James has ever admitted it this entire time, while being lost. He's genuinely frightened of every day that's coming next, he's not sure what challenges it will hold, or what he'll have to do to survive it. And to make it worse, he feels ashamed of the fact that he is scared. He feels like his Pappy would say something along the lines of "suck it up, and be a man," and James has always wanted to do as his Pappy told him- He looked up to him like no one else.
Logan leans his head against the tree behind him. "We're all scared, Jay." He says.
"My grandfather wouldn't be."
"You're grandfather?" James nods. "You're grandfather isn't here right now- he doesn't understand the circumstances we're in. Anyone, including your grandfather would be scared."
James shakes his head. "Whether or not he would feel the same way is irrelevant. What I meant was that I feel like my grandfather would tell me to grow up and be a man in this situation. Being scared wouldn't account for being a man."
Logan sits down next to James at the tree, and looks at him, with soft brown eyes. "James," he says in a serious tone. "You're the bravest one out of all of us. I know how much you look up to your grandfather, and how much he means to you. Trust me. He'd be proud of you right now. You're holding all of us together, which is insane- I mean have you looked at what a bunch of whack jobs we all are?"
James smiles and looks up at Logan. "Believe me, will you?" Logan asks. James nods, in agreement. He's still scared, but now he knows that he can be scared but still be brave. Bravery isn't measured by how fearless you are- it's measure also in leadership, and honesty within a small group.
When the boys fall asleep that night, back to chest, James wraps his arms around Logan, who gives a quiet squeak. "What are you doing?" He asks, as he thanks the darkness for concealing the bright red blush creeping up his face.
"I'm cold," James says and then, without thinking, kisses the back of Logan's neck. "Besides, you're stealing most of the blanket, so now, you're my blanket."
Logan smiles and leans back into James' touch. He is really cold, and James does feel sort of nice, in contrast the damp cold ground underneath his back. And 'sleeping' with you friend to stay warm isn't really that weird. It's actually quite comfortable. Logan could really get used to it.
When the sun breaks the next morning, James feels more refreshed than he had in days. He actually got a decent night of rest. And it (more than likely) had a large amount to do with the still sleeping brunette, resting on his chest.
A/N: this chapter didn't end up as planned, but I like it anyway! Tell me what you think! JAGAN begins, hooray! Love it. Hate it. Review it?
And I mean, that review button is having a terrible day. You should do it a favor and click on it so it's not so lonely. Oh, and while there, how bout leaving me a review?
~SourGummyBear
