Chapter 2
A big thank you to those who reviewed! I'm glad you liked the first chapter!
For now, Edmund simply continued on, day by day, begging Him to bring about a change sooner rather than later.
He was abruptly brought out of his thoughts by a knock at his door, and he only hoped that nothing had happened. He wanted to finish at least one day on a more or less good note.
"Come in."
The door opened, and Susan entered his room, looking as wary as he had sounded.
"Edmund? I just wanted to see how you are. You have not come downstairs since lunch…"
She crossed the room to sit on the edge of his bed, and Edmund let her prod his bruised face gently while he shrugged his shoulders. What was he supposed to tell her? That he was trying to avoid any confrontation and thought that staying up here was his best chance to do that? He didn't want to make her even sadder, she was miserable enough, as her expression clearly showed.
"I'm fine."
Which was of course a blatant lie. Susan lifted her eyebrow, stating clearly that she could see right through him, and Edmund let himself fall backwards onto his back, hiding his face in his hands.
"What do you want me to say, Su?"
He heard a quiet huff which was Susan's general mode of making her displeasure known, then his arm was pried away from his face, and he was confronted with a look that clearly told him he'd not be able to dissemble. The Gentle she might be called, but if she had her mind set on something, she could exhibit a stubborn streak that was at least as wide as his own. Coupled with her tendency to mother him when she thought he was in some kind of trouble, or simply felt he needed it, Edmund didn't stand a chance.
"The truth would be nice, Edmund."
Resigned to his fate, he sat up again. He knew logically that talking always helped at least a little, but that didn't mean he had to like it. It felt as if they had done nothing but talking in the last few months, and it frustrated him to no end that there was no action they could take to change anything about the circumstances they now found themselves in. However, he also didn't want to close himself off from his sisters as Peter had done, so openness it was.
"Honestly? I'm not feeling all that great."
Susan made a concerned noise and started inspecting his bruise again, so Edmund hastened to reassure her.
"No, it's not that, it doesn't even hurt anymore. It's just… I don't know what to do anymore, Su."
Her face immediately turned sympathetic, and she laid a comforting hand on his arm.
"Peter."
No more words were needed, and Edmund simply nodded.
"I've tried everything. Talking to him. Not talking to him. Yelling. Asking what is wrong. Provoking him. Appealing alternately to his honour, his sense of justice or his dignity… Nothing! It's as if he doesn't hear me at all. If he even acknowledges I'm there. It's as if I just don't exist for him."
To his annoyance he could feel tears pricking behind his eyes. He really had done enough crying by now, and it didn't help the situation in any way, even if it usually made him feel better. On the other hand, he knew that Susan understood him, understood his frustration and helplessness, as she had quite enough of her own experiences of trying to talk to Peter. Now she scooted over and put her arms around him, holding him tight. There were tears in her eyes as well.
"Oh Edmund! I know. I know you have tried so hard. And you've been so brave this whole time. I'm really so proud of you. But I'm as helpless as you are. Sometimes I think there is nothing more we can do. We can only be patient. Surely Peter cannot stay in this frame of mind forever."
Edmund stilled a bit, contemplating her words. He was very grateful for her support and her attempt to console him. And he couldn't quite express how much it meant to him that she was proud of him because more often than not he felt as if he had disappointed them somehow in not keeping their family together. He had been the one closest to Peter after all. In moments such as these, Susan had become his voice of reason, pulling him back when he threatened to lose himself in his misery, confusion and perceived failure. And on top of that she had gone to great lengths to be a substitute for Peter, even bringing herself to talk about some of the battles with him and trying to grasp the strategies he was outlining, no matter how much she normally disliked these topics. Edmund appreciated her attempts very much and gave her great credit for them, but it was of course impossible for her to replace Peter because his relationship to his sister was so different from that to his brother.
"Thanks Su. But it's so difficult, you know? How can I be patient when he acts so… so unkingly? When he brushes us away all the time, dismisses every word we say?"
Susan squeezed him a bit tighter and started rubbing up and down his arm.
"Of course I know it is difficult. Do you think it is easy for me to stay calm when he starts one of these stupid arguments again? I just wish you would stay out of his fights, Eddy. It's so horrible to see you get hurt all the time."
Edmund, who knew how much she was suffering because of the violent fits Peter fell into with the least provocation, now wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned his forehead against hers.
"I'm sorry, Su, but you know that I can't do that. I can't stand by and watch when he gets beaten up. I've sworn oaths to Peter, and I'm not going to break them. They mean so much more than either one of us, and no matter how hard it is, Peter is still my High King. Not to speak of the fact that he'll always be my brother, no matter how much I disapprove of his actions. I'll never be able to abandon him."
Susan gave a small sob and punched his shoulder lightly, then leaned forward and buried her face in his neck, letting her tears fall.
"Why do you have to be so noble all the time? It's not fair! You are doing everything you can to be a good brother, and he… I'm so, so angry, Edmund! I could hit him over and over for what he is doing to you and Lucy. If he is not acting like a king, he doesn't deserve to be treated like one!"
Edmund sighed and rested his head on hers. He could barely sort his own confused thoughts and feelings, so it was almost impossible to explain them to Susan, but he tried nonetheless.
"You know it doesn't work like that. If we start completely antagonising him, it will only get worse than it already is. Perhaps now of all times, we have to treat him like a king more than ever. Perhaps… I don't know… Perhaps this might remind him of who he is. Like I said, we've all already tried everything else. If all the reasoning and all the attempts to find out what is wrong and all our reproaches are not working… We don't have anything to lose that's not already gone."
Susan only cried harder, and it took a few moments until her sobs subsided so far that she could speak again.
"So… You mean we should just… just let him do what he wants? Not say anything anymore? That cannot be good…"
Edmund sighed, struggling to formulate this idea that had just come to him a bit more clearly.
"No, of course not. I mean… Perhaps if we talk to him as we did in Narnia… I don't know, the speech patterns might trigger some reaction or memories. Or if we… if we ask his advice on things again, and then listen to him. Just so he knows he's still a king, and we also still see him as one."
Susan was silent, then nodded against him and tried to compose herself again.
"Yes, you might have a point there. It could work… maybe. Though I am not sure if I can simply do that… I'll have to think about it a bit more… And anyway, why are you comforting me now? I came in to look after you."
Despite everything, Edmund had to smile. Trust his big sister's mind to latch onto this of all things.
"Su, you know we are all there for each other. Doesn't matter who's comforting whom. And you have been there for me. You helped me focus again."
They remained silent in their embrace for a few more moments, then Susan pushed away and wiped her eyes.
"Of course I know that, and I am more than grateful that I have you and Lucy. I don't know what I'd do without you. But still, I should…"
Here Edmund pressed a finger to her lips, effectively interrupting her. He had heard this argument often enough and still had not managed to convince her that she didn't have to put so much pressure on herself.
"Please, Su, not again! Don't forget that we've all been adults, and that we still are in some ways. You don't have to try and shield us from everything. We are in this together, and the sooner you finally accept it, the better. Don't think I didn't notice you excluding yourself when you talked about what Peter has done. Lucy and I are not the only ones that have been hurt."
Susan opened her mouth, then closed it again, as if she didn't quite know what to say. She looked away from him, over to the window, and Edmund followed her gaze, watching the dark clouds chasing each other across the sky. It was obvious that she was in deep contemplation now, and he let her be. Sometimes silence truly was golden.
His thoughts wandered for once not to Peter, but to their kingdom. A pang of longing, guilt and grief shot through his heart. For what felt like the millionth time he wondered what had happened when they hadn't returned from their hunt. There would of course have been a search; Oreius had most likely turned over every stone to find them. But what then? What had been their subjects' thoughts when their monarchs had vanished into thin air? How had the immediate future been organised? There had been so many appointments and meetings scheduled.
King Lune had been expected to arrive the next week with his sons and Aravis, they had planned to celebrate the twins' sixteenth birthday in Narnia, and preparations for this big event had already been well under way. They all had looked forward so much to seeing their friends from Archenland again. Lucy had taken over responsibility for the decorations and had made elaborate plans that promised to transform the entire Great Hall. Susan herself had worked out the design for a monumental birthday cake that had been supposed to have three layers, covered in multi-coloured iced sugar and topped with a miniature Cor and Corin complete with the armour that was to have been their birthday present from their father.
All of them had awaited the celebration with anticipation, not only because it was such a joyous occasion, but also because of the difficulties they had faced during the preceding year, ranging from near disastrous treaty negotiations with Calormen much too soon after their battle at Anvard to almost constant skirmishes along their Northern borders despite Peter's victory over the giants. The feast had therefore also been meant to mark the beginning of a calmer, more peaceful year.
And then everything had come crashing down around them. On some days, when he was feeling particularly morose, he wished that he had never heard about the White Stag. Would they still be in Narnia if they hadn't gone on the hunt? Or would Aslan have found another way to send them back to England? Edmund was desperate to believe that everything that had happened belonged to Aslan's plan and would make sense some day. He tried to remember everything Narnia had taught him, everything he had learned from Aslan. He sought to recall every word the Lion had ever spoken to his mind and to cling to them, and sometimes he succeeded. But there were days when the image of Aslan that he held in his heart dimmed, and then the doubts crept in. And with the doubts usually came the guilt.
Although he knew in his head that it hadn't been their fault, Edmund still felt as if he had abandoned his people, his country and his home. He had sworn to protect Narnia with his life, and the fact that he couldn't do that anymore was almost like treason to him. That thought of course brought memories with it which he didn't want to touch with a ten-foot pole because he would surely break down completely if he did. There was only so much he could bear at once. But he would naturally never stop thinking of Narnia because that would be even worse.
Edmund was glad that he had Susan and Lucy, who helped him in keeping Narnia alive through their conversations, but more than anything he needed Peter there as well. They were incomplete without him, and sometimes it seemed as if Narnia was slipping through their fingers because of it. But his brother was still drifting further away from them with each passing day, and he could only hope that they would find a solution to bring him back soon.
Suddenly, Susan turned back to him and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
"I am sorry, Edmund. You are right, of course. I keep forgetting all the time."
He had to stop and think for a moment before he remembered what she was talking about, and in the meantime, she continued.
"I know that you and Lucy are adults, and I am truly sorry that I don't treat you accordingly again and again. It's just that everything is so horribly confusing. I still feel like twenty-seven, but then I look into a mirror, and I don't recognise the person I see. And I don't understand any of it! How can I return to being thirteen? Sometimes, I don't know who I am anymore and… And I just want to go home!"
She grabbed his pillow and hurled it across the room before curling up on her side on the bed and starting to sob anew. Edmund could only nod. He understood her so well, and it saddened him that he could do nothing more than listen to her.
"I know. Believe me Susan, I know. Whenever Peter gets into a fight, my first reaction is to reach for a sword that's not there any longer. Or I wake up and wait for Aristus to come into the room, shooing me out of bed and berating me for my poor choices in clothing. And then I open my eyes and see the white walls instead of my purple bed curtains, and I could scream because it hurts so much. I want nothing more than to go home as well, Su, to see all our friends again, to have things back to normal. And it's breaking my heart that we can't do anything about it at the moment, but I also am absolutely convinced that we can't give up. We have to go on thinking and talking about Narnia because if we don't, we truly abandon her and every last one of our subjects."
Edmund had started rubbing circles on Susan's back, and her sobs had slowly quieted down. He felt drained, but was nevertheless glad that his words seemed to have reached her. After a few more minutes she even managed a small smile.
"Thanks, Ed. I needed to hear that. What would I do without you?"
Edmund laughed at that and jostled her playfully.
"You'd have one brother less to worry about. And no need for thanks. Remember last month, when I almost took your room apart because I was so angry? I don't know what I'd done if you and Lucy hadn't calmed me down. Don't you forget that we're all there for each other… Or well… almost all."
Susan sat up and hugged him again, but before she could reply, Edmund's door was flung open and a pale, trembling Lucy stumbled into the room.
TBC
Things are certainly not getting better for Edmund for a time… Please tell me what you think!
